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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not want to be friends with this woman?

130 replies

Pckitin · 10/08/2022 13:27

My husband has children with his ex girlfriend, we have been together for 5 years now, married for 2 and I get on with DSC very well. They are 9 and 11. We also have DC together.

My husband's ex is okay... She's not the worst but there have been times when I've been a bit Hmm at the things she's done or said to DH. We've always been civil face to face and I've never spoken to her directly as I've not felt any need and seemingly neither has she until now.

My husband told me yesterday that she has requested my telephone number and suggested via him that maybe we should get together sometime for a drink.

I'm actually a bit taken aback as she's not really expressed any desire like this in the past. We've been civil as I say, we've had brief pleasant conversations at events like birthday parties or pick up but that's it.

I don't want to sound petty but my immediate response is no. Apparently the telephone number thing was said with the excuse that I look after DSC sometimes so she should be able to contact me. And the drink thing... Who knows the motivation.

Firstly, if there is a problem she can contact my husband who can contact me and secondly DSC has a phone so not really any need for her to need my number imo. I don't want this being open to requests or questions etc .. anything I do to help my husband out with childcare (not that regular) is between me and him and I've no desire to be contactable by her when she maybe needs something. I'm not part of their co parenting arrangements.

But most importantly, I just have no desire to be friends with this woman. I don't want to go for drinks or to discuss my life with her, the way things are now is fine with me. Everyone rubs along okay for the most part and, as I say, there have been times where I've found her behaviour questionable and she just isn't someone I want to be particularly friendly with.

What say you MN?

OP posts:
Krakinou · 10/08/2022 18:01

Pckitin · 10/08/2022 16:43

This post isn't about my relationship with the children. I have a great relationship with the children and I do care for them when they are here.

Imo that doesn't extend to needing to be involved in some 3 way co parenting relationship with their Mum and Dad. My relationship with DSC is separate and our own.

Show quote history

Your relationship isn’t “separate and your own” because they’re young children. If you’re unwilling to even share your phone number with their mother in case of an emergency, you’re not really concerned with their best interests. Your only relationship to them is as inconvenient baggage of your husband.

Imagine a situation she was in an accident or held up for some reason and needed your husband to pick up the kids, but she’s not able to get in touch with him. You’re saying you would be offended for her to even ask you since their welfare is basically not your problem?

Do these kids live in your home part of the time? I just find it so sad that children that age would be living with an adult who couldn’t care less about them.

And yes, I would be equally critical of a step-father with the same attitude. Actually the people I know who’ve been most damaged by a parental separation, it’s been due to an uncaring step parent like yourself who left them feeling unwanted and insecure in their own home.

Sswhinesthebest · 10/08/2022 18:03

Just say that you’d prefer everything to continue as it is. “Why fix something that isn’t broken” tinkly laugh.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 18:03

Blimey @Krakinou you've invented a lot of hysterical nonsense about OP!

ErmIDontKnow · 10/08/2022 18:06

I dont understand the contempt you seem to have for this woman. You come across really arrogant in your posts to be honest, very unpleasant

If you dont want her to have your number just say no. Didnt need a whole rant about her on mumsnet did it, post after post about why you dont want to give it to her.

Your all coparenting whether you like it or not, you dont have to be best friends with her but you definetly need to change your attitude about her

I'm glad my kids dont have a father because its women like you I'd worry about him ending up with

incywincyspidery · 10/08/2022 18:10

If you wouldn't be friends with her if you'd met under different circumstances (eg she wasn't your DH's ex) then don't be friends with her now. You aren't obliged.

C8H10N4O2 · 10/08/2022 18:12

ErmIDontKnow · 10/08/2022 18:06

I dont understand the contempt you seem to have for this woman. You come across really arrogant in your posts to be honest, very unpleasant

If you dont want her to have your number just say no. Didnt need a whole rant about her on mumsnet did it, post after post about why you dont want to give it to her.

Your all coparenting whether you like it or not, you dont have to be best friends with her but you definetly need to change your attitude about her

I'm glad my kids dont have a father because its women like you I'd worry about him ending up with

The OP made it perfectly clear that she has a perfectly civil relationship with the ex and is able to contact her in emergencies already. She simply doesn't want to be best friends beyond that and has already said exactly why.

Stepmothers can't do right for doing wrong. If they don't act as surrogate mothers and act as besties with the ex they are hard/cold/unpleasant, but if they form a bond with the DSC and get involved in the parenting relationship and arrangements they are usurping the mother's position.

sonjadog · 10/08/2022 18:14

As you know this woman and the way she has interacted with you and your husband for the last five years, I would listen to your hunch that she wants your number so she can badger you for childcare. If you feel you can't say no to giving it to her, then I would be prepared with a stock answer, "You will have to contact husband to discuss that" for every time she messages you about it.

Krakinou · 10/08/2022 18:20

@C8H10N4O2 she’s not able to contact the mother in emergencies though. She would have to use her husband’s or his children’s phones.

NumberTheory · 10/08/2022 18:22

I get not wanting to be friends with her. But she hasn’t actually asked for that.

I read her requests to DH as her realising as the kids get older your significant role in their life isn’t going to be limited to physical care - you’re going to be an influence on them and they re going to know and talk about you a fair bit. And so she may be thinking she should improve her relationship with you to better support her kids. That doesn’t necessarily mean being friends, just being friendly in the way you can be friendly with people at work whom you wouldn’t want to be friends with, or extended family members, or such. Something that allows for more fluid communication because of a shared concern and a better understanding of each other to facilitate the care of your DSC.

Your concerns over being contacted and seen as a go-to for childcare issues is understandable and real, but you can put that boundary in place easily enough. If she’s been reasonable and civil up to now there’s no reason to think she’s suddenly going to become unreasonable because she has your phone number and you’ve seen her a few times without the kids. I think your immediate hostility is counterproductive to an easy life if she and your DH have a good co-parenting relationship and unlikely to be the best for the kids.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 18:24

Krakinou · 10/08/2022 18:20

@C8H10N4O2 she’s not able to contact the mother in emergencies though. She would have to use her husband’s or his children’s phones.

The horror! having to use a different phone in this much-vaunted emergency!

It's been like this for 5 years & neither OP's husband or his ex have had an issue with it. As they're not bothered about it, I don't know why a bunch of strangers are.

Unless it's just a convenient stick to beat a stepmum with ...

Hereforaccountability · 10/08/2022 18:26

I'd say you're really busy with work or something at the moment, but let's swap numbers in case of emergencies, and leave it there.

Then if she has a specific concern she can call/message you directly, and if it turns out to be difficult and she wants to cause trouble then I guess you could block her.

We don't know her intentions, but you are in a blended family together. I suggest you compromise this way.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 10/08/2022 18:30

I would say no!
tell your husband that she is his responsibility not yours.

Badger1970 · 10/08/2022 18:35

She could just be reaching out for a whole host of reasons, and I think I'd be kind and offer direct contact but with boundaries in place as to what you're comfortable with.

strawberry2017 · 10/08/2022 18:43

I feel like meeting up with her once can't hurt. I feel like by refusing you will cause more issues.

C8H10N4O2 · 10/08/2022 18:46

Krakinou · 10/08/2022 18:20

@C8H10N4O2 she’s not able to contact the mother in emergencies though. She would have to use her husband’s or his children’s phones.

She is able to contact the ex through DH or the DC phones if needed. Its worked for them perfectly well for several years Perhaps the OP could have the ex's number but not the other way around if really necessary.

If the OP was claiming a relationship with the ex because of wanting to be involved in the children's arrangements or expecting the ex to be friends and have social arrangements then most answers here would be roasting her for her temerity. Similarly if a mother posted expecting her ex and current DH to be chums and be part of the parenting conglomerate she would be told that was her responsibility not the second husband's.

Stepmums here can't do right for doing wrong.

WibbleBibble · 10/08/2022 18:51

My mum never had a phone number for my dads new partner and there was never an issue. Id not get involved either op

SemperIdem · 10/08/2022 19:00

It’d be a hard no from me too op

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 10/08/2022 19:12

My dm and sm socialised together. Too bloody weird - don't do it op.
Oh and it wasn't genuine. Sm just wanted to know dm wasn't shagging df behind her back.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2022 19:21

I read her requests to DH as her realising as the kids get older your significant role in their life isn’t going to be limited to physical care - you’re going to be an influence on them and they re going to know and talk about you a fair bit. And so she may be thinking she should improve her relationship with you to better support her kids. That doesn’t necessarily mean being friends, just being friendly in the way you can be friendly with people at work whom you wouldn’t want to be friends with, or extended family members, or such. Something that allows for more fluid communication because of a shared concern and a better understanding of each other to facilitate the care of your DSC.

None of that is OPs problem, she's not a tool there to better serve the kids. She's her own person, she has plenty of reasons to not want to do this and she is entitled to put those above the wishy washy notion that this might vaguely benefit the kids.

SplendidUtterly · 10/08/2022 19:38

As someone else already said my mum didn't have my dad's new wife's number and they definitely weren't meeting up for cosy drinks. It's weird.

Wannago · 11/08/2022 01:28

Would you be wanting the DSC to be making the call "Daddy has had a heart attack you need to pick us up urgently"

No obviously not but they have her number and I can get it from them or use their phone if necessary.

But that may mean negotiating with a panicking 9 or 11 year old to get their phone - or to ask them to do it/dictate the number while they are panicking. Or if they are not panicking and don't understand, explaining to them exactly why you need their phone without panicking them. Kids get very possessive about their phones. Will they listen to you in this kind of circumstance - especially if you are yourself pretty close to panicking? And of course if it is a car accident with DH and the DSC .... Presumably you know DH's password, but it might mean finding his phone and unlocking it, assuming not smashed.

I know these get more and more unlikely, and maybe this risk is worth to you given that it sounds like if you do exchange numbers you will have to set some pretty firm boundaries about use. Can you have the number (so you can ring her in an emergency) but block anything incoming?

mycatisannoying · 11/08/2022 01:42

I feel a bit sorry for her! She probably just wants to get to know you a little and for the rapport to be good - for the benefit of the children - rather than pledge lifelong friendship.

CelestiaNoctis · 11/08/2022 01:53

Sounds perfectly reasonable of you. Sounds like you function great and there's no need to be friends. Is there a milestone birthday coming up or anything?

wordler · 11/08/2022 15:28

mycatisannoying · 11/08/2022 01:42

I feel a bit sorry for her! She probably just wants to get to know you a little and for the rapport to be good - for the benefit of the children - rather than pledge lifelong friendship.

See this is how I feel but seems like the minority on this thread. I can understand blended family conflict and holding people at arms length when there is or has been drama and animosity. But assuming there's not massive backstory over bad behaviour, money conflicts, CF childcare behaviour etc, why wouldn't you want to be in a good social relationship with all the adults involved in your kids/stepkids lives.

It's not going out for girls nights every week, it's checking in maybe once every few years, and it gives you a great base for easy-going relationships for all the joint occasions which come up over the years - big birthdays, weddings, christenings. And any sad or stressful issues - serious illness etc.

My SDs are now both in their 20s and started to want some of the big family occasions to have all of us there DH and me, their mother and her husband. It's nice for them to not have to choose which house to go to for Christmas occasionally for example. We can all have a nice time together every once in a while and it means the world to my DSDs.

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2022 15:49

See this is how I feel but seems like the minority on this thread. I can understand blended family conflict and holding people at arms length when there is or has been drama and animosity. But assuming there's not massive backstory over bad behaviour, money conflicts, CF childcare behaviour etc, why wouldn't you want to be in a good social relationship with all the adults involved in your kids/stepkids lives.

From the parents POV, sure, but people need to understand that there is less incentive for the step parent to feel that way, especially when there are potential downsides (but even without them). I'm not that bothered about being close socially to the other adults involved in my step kids life. It's not high on my priorities.

Meanwhile I don't want to welcome messages (any really) from their mum into my life and I don't particularly want much contact with an ex of my DP's. It's not that hard to understand.