To just not want to be friends with this woman?

[Pckitin]

My husband has children with his ex girlfriend, we have been together for 5 years now, married for 2 and I get on with DSC very well. They are 9 and 11. We also have DC together.

My husband's ex is okay... She's not the worst but there have been times when I've been a bit at the things she's done or said to DH. We've always been civil face to face and I've never spoken to her directly as I've not felt any need and seemingly neither has she until now.

My husband told me yesterday that she has requested my telephone number and suggested via him that maybe we should get together sometime for a drink.

I'm actually a bit taken aback as she's not really expressed any desire like this in the past. We've been civil as I say, we've had brief pleasant conversations at events like birthday parties or pick up but that's it.

I don't want to sound petty but my immediate response is no. Apparently the telephone number thing was said with the excuse that I look after DSC sometimes so she should be able to contact me. And the drink thing... Who knows the motivation.

Firstly, if there is a problem she can contact my husband who can contact me and secondly DSC has a phone so not really any need for her to need my number imo. I don't want this being open to requests or questions etc .. anything I do to help my husband out with childcare (not that regular) is between me and him and I've no desire to be contactable by her when she maybe needs something. I'm not part of their co parenting arrangements.

But most importantly, I just have no desire to be friends with this woman. I don't want to go for drinks or to discuss my life with her, the way things are now is fine with me. Everyone rubs along okay for the most part and, as I say, there have been times where I've found her behaviour questionable and she just isn't someone I want to be particularly friendly with.

What say you MN?

Just don't respond to the request then. No need to put this woman sounds vindictive.

I think it would be nice to be on good terms with your step-kids Mum - you're going to be in each other's lives for a long time and will be involved in some big family events together in the future - graduations, weddings, etc.

But I once went away for a weekend with both my MIL and stepkids' Mum and it was lovely. From other responses sound like I'm the odd one out!

You're absolutely entitled to your boundaries OP and, as ever, the first wives' club frothing because you're a stepmother is entirely predictable. Don't swap numbers. Let your DH bat it off.

There may be a hidden agenda there but there might not.
There probably is - & it's probably because she wants direct access so that she can ask OP to do more childcare: it's something she's got form for, she's previously said "why can't OP do it" to her ex, which shows the way the wind is blowing.

She could be lonely and just looking for some friends.
And it's not OP's job to supply that to her. If she is, she'd do better to find some new friends who are not married to her ex.

Why? She's been content not to know this for several years ...

& there is nothing that OP needs to "agree about the kids".
Any agreement is for their father to decide.

I think it would be nice to be on good terms with your step-kids Mum - you're going to be in each other's lives for a long time and will be involved in some big family events together in the future - graduations, weddings, etc.

Isn't it down to the individual to judge this though? Even if my experiences of the ex were good (which it doesn't sound like they are in this case) I just wouldn't find it "nice" to be close to an ex of my DP. It's just something I'd rather avoid.

I have no concern at all that she's after "my man". That's not what this is about, neither am I jealous of her (of what?).

Yes she's the mother of my stepkids and as such, I've been more polite / present / civil than I would be in normal circumstances with an ex of my husband but I still have no desire to interact with an ex of my husband's socially. There's nothing wrong with referring to her in those terms, she is my husband's ex and she is also my stepchildren mum. It's not one or the other.

This post isn't about my relationship with the children. I have a great relationship with the children and I do care for them when they are here.

Imo that doesn't extend to needing to be involved in some 3 way co parenting relationship with their Mum and Dad. My relationship with DSC is separate and our own.

I'll suggest FB messenger actually. Good idea.

She wants to tell you all about her experience of him probably. Maybe to stir up trouble, maybe she feels she has something valid to tell you

I'd be furious if it were this tbh. I've no interest in discussing her opinion of DH or their relationship with her.

Your step kids are young. I wonder how they feel when they’re staying at your home, seeing you be a real mother to their siblings whilst maintaining a relationship with them like a babysitter

😂They're 9 and 11. I'm sure they know who their parents are by now. OP is NOT their parent, why would she pretend to be?

But you are involved in some way if you look after them? I’d hate the idea of DD being in the sole care of someone I didn’t know and had never met. I’d tolerate it if it was ex’s choice but I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

I invited ex’s new partner to a joint WhatsApp group about DD when it became clear that she was taking care of DD on her own occasionally. I thought it might be handy in case of emergencies or if she wanted to share pics of their activities. I later asked if she wanted to meet properly to get to know each other as DD was telling me more about her and I thought it was nice how they got on so well, and wanted to offer friendship to someone involved in my DD’s life who I had heard so much about. And who seemed lovely! We did meet up and had a really nice time. Have chatted a bit since.

I wouldn’t have been offended if she had said no, I just thought it would be nice for DD if everyone in her life who takes care of her got along.

Is she an ex girlfriend or an ex wife? Because you've called her a girlfriend yet mentioned your DH being married to her. She's an ex wife if they got married.

If so, then legally they had more than just the children to share so whatever she might have on her mind might affect you materially.

Or she might just be trying to rope you into childcare. But you won't know until you ask.

I think you’re making this a bit of a drama. If you are looking after her children, of course she should have a way of communicating with you. Why not?

Surely having the number of the person caring for your DC is normal though? My DSDs Mum has my number and we send the occasional photo or question etc.

It’s completely normal that she would want to have your number and know who you are as a person.

The mother of these DC has not had OP's number for 5 years, & has been fine about that. Why is it suddenly so important now?

You sound paranoid
And a little jealous...

And not wanting to give your phone number? Rediculous
She needs to be able to contact YOU when you have her kids. And vice versa.

You are being difficult. Out of insecurity about her

What an extraordinarily bitchy viewpoint.
Having boundaries about who you want to be friends with has got nothing to do with being paranoid or jealous @Marvellousmadness.

One is far more likely than the other.

YANBU OP, and I wouldn't encourage Facebook messages either. No need for this sudden contact. Just ask DH to ignore and if she mentions it again, he can say you're happy with the way things are now.

YANBU to want to avoid three way parenting arrangements.

I wonder how many step fathers become friends with their partners ex husbands beyond the civilities you describe? I can't think of any I know, but I do know a few step mums who end up organising and making arrangements for step children with the ex wife and who are looked at critically if they don't (whilst also having to walk on eggshells to avoid encroaching).

I also noticed that you referred to her as his ex-girlfriend a few times, rather than just his ex , and I wondered if you were doing that to minimise her role a bit, as in you are his wife but she was “just” a girlfriend. But then you mention their marriage ?

Sorry no was a slip up when typing, they weren't married. I meant their relationship not marriage.

I’d hate the idea of DD being in the sole care of someone I didn’t know and had never met

She has met me.

I’d hate the idea of DD being in the sole care of someone I didn’t know and had never met

This is a consequence of separation that you need to come to terms with. If you were still with your child's other parent you would most likely have either met anyone they planned to care for your DC, or you would trust their judgment.

Once you have separated, that may not be the case, but it doesn't change the fact that they are just as qualified to arrange childcare for the children as you are. You might not always get to meet that person.

YANBU.

They co parent well and you have no wish for triangulation of their parenting.

As for no wishing to have drinks with her, again, perfectly reasonable.

I think in your place I would say that in your opinion we have a pleasant relationship and that you see absolutely no need to add to it.

That is the truth.
It is working, no need to tamper with it.

I think there might be sense in her having your number for emergencies. You never know when she might need to get hold of one of you quickly, eg if your H is not picking up but there’s something vital about the DC.

I can understand not wanting to go for a drink. My exh has a new partner (he and I have DC and then he has one DC with his partner) and I wouldn’t think to ask her to go for a drink. I have my own friends for that! I don’t think there’s a need for that additional relationship circumventing your H/ her ex partner.

I wonder how many step fathers become friends with their partners ex husbands beyond the civilities you describe?

^^
this is a v good point!

I'd exchange numbers if she wanted but yanbu to not do this. I wouldn't do any more than that.

It's working. Leave it alone.