To just not want to be friends with this woman?

[Pckitin]

My husband has children with his ex girlfriend, we have been together for 5 years now, married for 2 and I get on with DSC very well. They are 9 and 11. We also have DC together.

My husband's ex is okay... She's not the worst but there have been times when I've been a bit at the things she's done or said to DH. We've always been civil face to face and I've never spoken to her directly as I've not felt any need and seemingly neither has she until now.

My husband told me yesterday that she has requested my telephone number and suggested via him that maybe we should get together sometime for a drink.

I'm actually a bit taken aback as she's not really expressed any desire like this in the past. We've been civil as I say, we've had brief pleasant conversations at events like birthday parties or pick up but that's it.

I don't want to sound petty but my immediate response is no. Apparently the telephone number thing was said with the excuse that I look after DSC sometimes so she should be able to contact me. And the drink thing... Who knows the motivation.

Firstly, if there is a problem she can contact my husband who can contact me and secondly DSC has a phone so not really any need for her to need my number imo. I don't want this being open to requests or questions etc .. anything I do to help my husband out with childcare (not that regular) is between me and him and I've no desire to be contactable by her when she maybe needs something. I'm not part of their co parenting arrangements.

But most importantly, I just have no desire to be friends with this woman. I don't want to go for drinks or to discuss my life with her, the way things are now is fine with me. Everyone rubs along okay for the most part and, as I say, there have been times where I've found her behaviour questionable and she just isn't someone I want to be particularly friendly with.

What say you MN?

As a mother who has tried to even get on an acquaintance level with my ex-husband's girlfriend for three years, I absolutely find it to be unreasonable. I don't want to be her friend, but she IS apart of our co-parenting relationship because she's around my children. If it were the other way around and a man was involved in my children's life, I'd want him and my ex-husband to have an amicable relationship as well. If anything it's to be sure everyone is on the same page and feel comfortable at family functions.

You're around her children. She has every right to at least a conversation with you, if for no other reason than to feel comfortable with you as an influence on her children. It's disrespectful and inconsiderate to keep her at arms length like that.

My ex husbands girlfriend did a wonderful job of turning me away from feeling supportive and happy for their relationship to hating her. Three years and she couldn't sit down for coffee, instead choosing to block my number after verbally insulting me multiple times. I've been nothing but respectful and kind to this woman, even while she was treating me like dog poo, simply because I'm his ex wife. We recently had an emergency where he had to be taken to the hospital and admitted. You think communication will be fine until it isn't. She called me from a private number, which luckily I answered, and I had no way of getting follow up information for days. As if my children didn't need to know the condition of their father or what hospital he was even at. I have every reason to hate this woman for shacking up with my ex while we were still married, but ironically it's been me that encouraged their relationship and kept him in check when he was starting to screw it up. Her gifts? I pick those out. Her relationship with my kids? I keep them respectful and in check. 🙄

Whether you like it or not they and her by extension are your family. You are co-parenting their children if you're doing anything at all that involves them. The very least you can do is have a friendly conversation and her number for an emergency. What you are doing is straining that relationship with her and that will cause issues with their co-parenting eventually. I don't want people I don't know around my children. Would you?

Get over whatever weird feelings you have and be decent about it. Nobody needs to be involved with people who have children if they're going to cause problems with the other parent. You don't have to be her friend but you do need a working relationship.

It's interesting the different ways people view things I guess because to me you just sound quite controlling GengisK.

I'd be immediately put off if my husband's ex was talking about having "every right to X Y Z". .

Your exes girlfriend is a person with just as much right as anyone to decide who she does and doesn't want to get to know. You don't get to override that just because you're a mother and I'd find it disrespectful and inconsiderate to have that repeatedly ignored.

DHs ex and I have already spoken before and it's already comfortable enough at family functions. I was not the OW, there was no air to clear in that respect and we've always been civil.

I don't want people I don't know around my children. Would you?

It's not up to you. Your ex is as much your child's parent as you are and you don't get to dictate who he does and doesn't have around your children. I could want to know all I like but that doesn't mean I have a right to demand it.

I do disagree about the co parenting thing. I'm not co parenting with her. At the most I guess I'm parenting with my DH when the DC are here but I'm certainly not in any sort of co parenting relationship with his ex where I'm required to discuss their care with her etc..

I agree she should have given you follow up info when your ex had an accident. I would have done in that situation.

I suppose technically if she really was so inclined, she could get my number off DSC.

Well said OP.

Agree with this.

@GengisK, completely disagree with you and your claim to have "every right".

How bizarre.

There isn't anyone you have every right to a relationship/conversation with.

Certainly not with the new partner of your ex partner, even if they are involved with your children.

You can work to foster a polite relationship with this person, but you have absolutely zero rights if they don't wish to engage with you.

I would run a mile from someone so controlling as to think my involved with their ex had them thinking they had ANY rights over me, or my time, even if there were children involved.

Also as an ex, you do NOT get to assign "co parenting" status on another person.

Very strange.

Many step parents have absolutely no wish to co parent, as is their right.

You can be involved in a childs life through a partner and have no part in co parenting them.

I have seen it done very successfully.

I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to develop a friendship with my ex's new partner. One time she was buying suncream for their family holiday and asked my ex to message me to check the brand and factor were ok with me, which was very nice of her. But other than that, I don't need any contact.