Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

I wouldn’t give them a penny. The reason isn’t because you are being selfish or anything it’s because it was left up to you to decide what to do, and rather than decide to help you offer to help organise some of the bits that need doing they went straight to giving you grief over money.

You didn’t sour the relationship they did. Paying they rewards their behaviour and they won’t stop, first you will give them a small amount but it won’t be enough or be fair and you will still be the bad guy for ‘only’ giving them 25k

in this instance just don’t give them anything and move on.

Woah- what have they invited themselves along to? You need to start putting boundaries in place, they are trying to grind you down.

You don't have to let them invite you along to anything.

I would send them all a fiver each and tell them it's what their relationship with uncle was worth. Your mum has to learn at some point that crying like a child isn't going to get her her way, although I assume it's too late for that. You were never going to inherit the same amount as your brother anyway from your parents, keep the whole lot. They won't be fair in the slightest. If they say they are changing it now, I really doubt they are, I'd bet it's already in favour of him. Let them crack on with their lives and don't help when they are older and sick, that's the favourites job. And remind them of that.

She always thought her cousin would inherit, that only changed in May when the uncle made a new will. He died in July so at max she knew for a couple of months but he might have told her on his death bed, if there were any expectations they were for a very short time.

I’d give brother 10k and that’s it.

Don’t trust your parents to give you anything. Our brother is getting my parents £600k home, even though me and my sisters do everything for my mum. Purely because he is male.

Endlesslypatient82 <sigh>

Son dies

Later in same year uncle dies

Op stated while son was alive she expected, as anyone would, any will would leave all to the only son.

So throughout the lifelong relationship of op and her uncle she was not expecting a bean and had enjoyed a good relationship

Therefore this other conversation about it going to her but giving 'some' to the brother must have occurred between son dying and uncle dying

Tell your parents that
"the estate is complicated, probate is complicated, and I have to get legal advice on sorting everything out properly. When that's done, I'll work out what's available to pass on to family. Uncle told me what he wants."

If they are still pushing
"I'm getting really stressed from all the nagging, to be honest, and it's slowing me down".

Still pushing
"Look, the easiest thing for me to do is to keep it. Stop pestering me or I will!"

Can you avoid this car journey? It's an unreasonable opportunity for them to snipe at you.

When you say you have a good relationship, do you really? Or are you just quite good at managing them?

Do you think they will love your uncle more if they get some of his money?
They can't turn back time and are damaging their relationship with you over his decision.

I would give them a token amount and when they start again cut them off.

Leave an hour early

Also op, this is hard but your parents don't care about you. Just the money.

Yes.

So she did know rather than not thinking she’d “get a bean”

No way would I give 125k to my brother when he didn’t even bother with his uncle!!

id give him enough so he could have a really nice holiday or something like that so 10k max.
Same with your parents.

Is July regarded as “he died at the beginning of the year”?

Sorry May

Jesus! If ever there was a hint to stop doing stuff for your parents. This is it!

So the uncle made a new will in July.

but despite saying to op to give her brother something, he didn’t use the opportunity of creating a new will in May to clarify how much?

Just in relation to this comment you posted @Teentaxidriver -
"My mum keeps saying how to wants to give her grandchildren money (4 in total, 2 mine and 2 DB's)"
She is welcome to do that with whatever she wants to bequeath in her will, not your uncle's will. That was his choice, his decision and he made it.

I cannot get over how absolutely awful your parents are. How grabby they are. How materialistic they are. They are really dreadful.

I would try to get out of the car journey and try to make your own way to and from wherever you're meeting up. Can you imagine the poison they will drip-drip-drip into your ear about how they feel they should have X amount and they will try every trick in the book to wear you down until you agree with them.

What I would do is say to them this and repeat this until they actually hear what you're saying "Uncle Dave decided this. This is not my decision to make. Can we not please respect what Uncle Dave wanted to do? I think it's very disrespectful to not follow what Uncle Dave wanted to do. I mean, Jesus, the man lost his own son earlier this year so he must have had good reason for making the decision he did. Now I won't hear anything more about it. It was Uncle Dave's decision and that is that."
If you mother wants to go on about how she wants to look after her grandchildren, advise her to revisit her will and write them into her will and to stop trying to commandeer someone else's will for this purpose.

There's knowing and knowing. A lot of people play games when it comes to wills. I had an elderly aunt for whom my mum did a lot in her final years, out of affection for the aunt who'd been like a big sister. Mum cleaned and shopped and organised house maintenance and took her on little holidays in the last ten years or so of her life. I'd go along to support sometimes. The aunt would say that she'd left the house to Mum, who didn't have much to spare. When the aunt died and the will was read, it stipulated that the house be sold and half the money go to the neighbours (who as far as we could see had done nothing to help her) and the RSPCA. Mum was gutted. Not because of the money but the lies.

Give 'em nowt.

I was in similar situation but was my parents will. They left all to me and nothing to my two siblings. I gave up work to look after them for five years, siblings did bugger all, when dad had go in a home after mum died dh and l cleared and sorted their mountains of belongings and did up their house to rent out to pay towards the massive care home fees. Still neither sibling came bear with so much as a paintbrush. When dad died they were furious had all been left to me and when l sold the house really thought proceeds should be split three ways equally, even though dh and l had spentabout 20k on refurb and endless man hours over about a year.
I was left with approx 125k and dh thought l should be the bigger person despite several toxic messages and letters and should give them 20 to 25k each. But l figured l would still be the antichrist so might as well keep it all, as they made it clear they absolutely wanted a full third of sale (about 60k each) and not a penny less.But l made the offer anyway.
They went see a solicitor about my offer and he told them to bite my hand off( l was told by another relative) as l didn't have to give them anything. But no they still ploughed on with it.

Give 'em nowt.

I was in similar situation but was my parents will. They left all to me and nothing to my two siblings. I gave up work to look after them for five years, siblings did bugger all, when dad had go in a home after mum died dh and l cleared and sorted their mountains of belongings and did up their house to rent out to pay towards the massive care home fees. Still neither sibling came bear with so much as a paintbrush. When dad died they were furious had all been left to me and when l sold the house really thought proceeds should be split three ways equally, even though dh and l had spentabout 20k on refurb and endless man hours over about a year.
I was left with approx 125k and dh thought l should be the bigger person despite several toxic messages and letters and should give them 20 to 25k each. But l figured l would still be the antichrist so might as well keep it all, as they made it clear they absolutely wanted a full third of sale (about 60k each) and not a penny less.But l made the offer anyway.
They went see a solicitor about my offer and he told them to bite my hand off( l was told by another relative) as l didn't have to give them anything. But no they still ploughed on with it.

Op if your Uncle had wanted your brother to get £125 he would have named him in the Will. I'd give him £25-50k

You need some stock answers and stop discussions.

I'm following the will as Uncle wanted.
It's his private business.

You could try flipping the questions, how's your Will set out?

Cleaning out Cousin Bob's room was heartbreaking. I'm missing Uncle and talk about his sense of humour etc.

But generally changing the conversation is the way to go.

Oh Mum/Dad there's no need for you to come of Friday, it's a long drive in a heat wave. I'm more than capable of dealing with the Lawyer alone. Uncles business deserves privacy and respect.

God don't give your brother £125k when he never visited your uncle. I would guess by "something" your uncle meant a holiday or a car, £25k is sufficient. Your parents don't deserve a penny. It's vile when people get so grabby over their "loved"ones money when they die. I just picture people clamouring over a dead body stealing their jewelry and money out their pockets.

Can you need to move some stuff during the journey so don't have space for extra passengers? Or a pet that isnt well and can't be left alone?

@Bahhhhhumbug

give her brother nothing despite the uncle explicitly asking her to?

And how was it resolved?

What is it with some of these parents of grown up children who seem to think they can still dictate what their children do!? This is the 2nd thread in 24 hours I've read with over bearing parents of grown up children.
They have NO rights over you. Yes they can strop and throw a tantrum and act like a child but you are a grown arse woman with your own family. You sound like a lovely, caring person and I'd imagine your parents are used to you doing what they like to keep the peace, well fuck that it's time to put yourself first for once. Also as pp have said if you are going to gift a large sum (I really don't think you should) you need to look into the tax implications.