Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

Did your sister in law give you anything from her inheritance? No? You rparents sound like the son is the golden child and you are here to make his life better. Id give a token amount, but certainly not hundreds of thousands and I would definately NOT be guilted and pressured into splitting the money evenly. That would be a gross betrayal of your late uncle, who presumably used his own eyes, ears and heart to see who gave a stuff about him and who didnt.

Also my DH has been through something similar. His family, slightly complicated, but two siblings had very little contact with their father or stepmother for years. The father changed the will so these two only got a small token amount. When DH's father died, we were expecting them to challenge it but they didn'.t

I now have one sibling who has never bothered, never speaks to our mother for over 10 years. Also has been cutting the rest of the family out.
DH says my mother should change her will, cut her out but I know she will never do it. I'm sure this sibling will soon appear when the time comes for money to be handed out unfortunately.

Endlesslypatient82 l didn't give them anything in the end as the toxicity was clearly going to continue either way, they made that clear so either way l'd lost my relationship with both of them so l kept it.

Well that’s just odd

Some of these family set ups described on this thread leave me utterly baffled

OP your father is trying to control the situation. This is a good time to exert yourself.

I would give your brother some money as per your Uncle's wishes. But 10k perhaps. I'd also consider giving your mum the same.

But this is life changing money for you and your family. Don't go against the will and definitely don't let your parents take control.

Endlesslypatient82 ah yes l missed that bit, but l doubt the uncle would've meant such a substantial amount as £125k or surely would've been specified in will and l certainly think the parents should get nothing.

You sound like a lovely niece and your uncle clearly appreciated what you did for him. Honestly id cut the amount you are going to give your brother significantly your uncle didnt make provision for him as he saw their lack of relationship. Why go against his wishes?

This is it. Your relatives will not be satisfied with whatever you give them. Do what your uncle asked. If you feel guilty, leave something in your will for your brother.

Op I should add little point in money going to your parents. It will end up in the bank then inheritance tax having to be paid when they die.

Sad but true.

I would instruct a solicitor to assist you in obtaining probate and administering the will as then you will not be coerced by your family
Act to protect your interests it is likely you will be disinherited by your parents
Give a token amount of 10000 to your brother
Good luck

This!
Leave it to the solicitor.
If your mother or brother ask just keep telling them the solicitor is looking after it.

Do what you think is best but I do know two people who have been in this situation and they gave their family a smaller amount out of good will.

But both of them were called selfish, thieves etc and none of their family and some of their friends have fallen out with them and they’ve been completely ostracised.
It’s been about over 10 years for one and 20 years for the other and still their family don’t want anything to do with them.

Me and my siblings have said because we don’t want to end up like these other family members then we would split it equally regardless of circumstances.

I don’t think your parents should get much as this money is more useful for a house deposit etc which they don’t actually need. But I would speak to them about this.

Maybe it could be brother £150k. Parents £50k and you £300k which is more than enough.
You could say the total amount was £200k so you have simply taken £50k more considering it was left all to you.

If I was your uncle I'd be rolling in my grave at how they're trying to undermine my last will and wishes.

Your family are behaving appallingly

Legally you need to distribute according to his instructions (you may find yourself in a position of finding genuine or spurious debts as part of dealing with the estate so make sure to deal with it exactly as needed & he instructed).

Morally you may choose to gift them some of your money (make no mistake, legally it's all yours) but after what they've done I'd follow your uncle's verbal instruction and only give your brother a token amount of 5k ish.

If he'd wanted you to gift your brother 125k he'd have stipulated it in his will.

I'm livid on your behalf op.

Don't hand 125k to a fuck up who held your uncle in no regard. Give him an item, to honour the vague request. Tell your parents to stop interfering. Your mum can cry a river. Inheritance amazes me.

Whatever you give him will not be enough; it'll also cause issues with your parents.

I think this is key. There's no use trying to find an amount that will settle everything and allow all your relationships to continue positively, unless you're willing to go all the way and give them everything they want. So attempting to do what seems reasonable to you will just cost you money and not actually help anyway.

I would give your brother whatever you think's reasonable, because your uncle said so and YOU feel it's the right thing to do, but without any expectation of a particular response. The rest I would keep largely because, as you've said, you may end up getting much less from your parents now (and you would anyway, even if you gave them something). You need to look after yourself and DC, and your parents don't need it. Assuming you're not going to spend it all straight away, you can always use some to help with their old age if one day they do need it.

There's no need to make any decisions now. Emotions are too high, there are too many other practical arrangements to deal with.

Tell your family, kindly, to give you some space. They cannot be 'involved' in getting probate. That is the executor's role alone. Draw your boundaries early on this one.

Then talk it over with a solicitor.

If DUncle's will was written by a solicitor they may have meeting notes from the time explaining his reasoning for changing his will as he did, and why the estate was left to you not shared with your mum and brother

What you have suggested sounds good and fair.
It must be very hard for you to deal with all of this. It’s so sad how money can come between people, so often with inheritance.

Your parents are AWFUL - how dare they!

Why on earth would your brother be morally entitled to claim anything from someone he’s effectively been estranged from for 20 years? If you WANT to give him some of your money; that’s an entirely different matter.

The only thing to consider OP is that your parents will likely write you out of their will if you inherit the lot and don’t “share” 🙄 but frankly the money is such a leg up in life that I’d be inclined to keep it and sod them.

They have no right to be involved in the estate either.

Im so angry for you. We’ve had two contentious probate disputes in our family (one which affected me and also from someone estranged for over 20y) and one where someone tried to diddle my 16YO niece so I hate money grabbers with a passion.

I'm sorry OP but you're going to have to shut this down now or they will drain you emotionally and financially. The fact that they want to be involved in probate is very bad. It sounds to me like they are emotionally manipulative and you aren't quite up to speed on how they behave. Its hard, I know but stick up for yourself and your family (your children should come first).

I ended up being manipulated by my B over my fathers will, stupidly I trusted him. Again lots of tears, and manipulation. It's only later that I saw the pattern and how they always seem to get what they wanted (or to them, deserved). I wish I'd never trusted them, and wish I'd stood up for myself better, because it's my DD who's also lost out. Don't do anything to keep the peace, they will always want more and will only be happy if you do exactly as they want. Don't give your brother that amount - it's insane. Respect your Uncle's wishes.

There are really no tax implications. Either gift it yourself or do a variation on the will.

No tax.

The only issue is that when people have more money their own estate increases (unless they spend it of course) for inheritance tax purposes. But that's a later issue. And only an issue for the giver is if they die within 7 years of making the gift, then it is notionally added back to the estate for IHT purposes - a variation of will avoids that latter scenario.

Maybe you could tell them that inorder to make everyone happy you'll donate the 550k to local animal shelter and see how they react.

It’s yours to do with as you want. Don’t be made to feel guilty by them.

If my son were to die before me, it would be my nieces getting my estate, not my brother and sister. It has never occurred to me to put them in the will actually and we all get on 😂

He clearly didn’t want your parents to have any of it.
respect the wishes of the dead.
if you feel guilty or greedy, give ‘their’ chunk to charity.