Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

For your own sanity you might want to stop engaging with your parents on this at all, and a stock reply as others have suggested of something like, it's all in hand, it is all getting sorted, just takes time.

As you are executor and beneficiary there is really no need for them to be involved at all or have any knowledge about what is happening or the sums of money involved.

Surely the only way they are getting information to use against you is from you, so stop the flow of information. If you don't engage about the will/admin of the estate then they don't have the details to fight you with.

It sounds like you are still trying to be the good girl to your parents but is that really worth it? Is it going to make your life any better or easier or will you just be left feeling shittier and with your needs being at the bottom of the pile after your dB and parents.

It sounds like your Uncle made a carefully considered and wise move. He assessed his relationship with his family, decided who had been the most friendly and supportive to him over the years and decided that person was you. He possibly understood your financial position and decided you were most deserving. It's yours to keep and to do anything other than that would be against his wishes. Don't let your family guilt trip you over this, but award them a gesture amount each - £10-20k maybe. Then have a holiday! It sounds like you deserve it, given what you've had to do and go through

What you are currently witnessing is why your uncle didn’t include them in his will.

I can assure you, you can split the inheritance between the 4 of you and they would still be unhappy.

Keep it all, it is not selfish, your parents do not need it, your brother doesn’t deserve it. Use it to pay your mortgage in full as this will make things much easier for your little family in years to come as the monthly amount saved from the mortgage will raise your standard of living.

Your brother didn’t even know the guy and your mum was mean to him. I think you’d be disrespecting your uncle by handing over his hard
earned cash to them. If you desperately want to, give £1k to each to go towards a holiday but absolutely no more than that. The rest is meant for you.

Question: if your brother was the sole heir, would your parents be pressuring him to split 50/50 with you? I rather doubt it.

I would only be giving the brother a couple of thousand if even that.
What if it was the brother who inherited , would he have given you a big chunk of money? Also more importantly, would your parents be forcing him to give you money if it was the other way around?

Sometimes us daughters are the ones rushing around trying to please everyone, I know the feeling.
I would be keeping my distance from them, don't answer the phone etc. Don't let them in the car journey, they are trying to control you.

Your uncle left the money for you, you cared for him and he appreciated it. You and your family deserve it, don't be railroaded into giving it away.

Don’t share any updates with your parents going forward. Try not take them on Friday. If you can get out of it, even by texting to say you are,going yourself, get in the car and go so you can’t answer.

take time, don’t be bullied into anything. Sounds like a whole before the money will be released.

You need to take legal advice about passing on such large sums. Otherwise the recipients, if you decide to give the money, may be liable for capital gains tax. Perhaps a deer of variation on the will would be possible. Don't let relations interfere with your legal duties as executor.

The thing is that with unreasonable, grabby people they are never satisfied. Even if your brother's wife gets an inheritance and then you give him a big sum, I can almost guarantee that he will want more of your parents' estate than you get. I've experienced this in my own family. It's not a case of need or fairness but of entitlement. Your parents have set this up by prioritising him over the years while expecting you to step up with all the supporting responsibilities, meanwhile he's just a lazy arse.

Your mother sounds manipulative, so will probably dangle future inheritances over your head to keep you in line and doing the grunt work looking after her, and then probably leave the lot to your brother.

Give him and them a token amount and don't let them come up with you on a seven hour journey. Read about FOG. It's what's keeping you in thrall to them. As a PP said, they only have power over you if you let them.

You will never get them to treat you fairly because your mother has a weird internalised misogyny. Put your own family first because they are the ones who care for you.

Whether you give your brother 5k, 50k or 125k, he (and your mother) won’t be happy unless it’s half. It sounds like they’d still treat you badly, and as someone else said- I’ll bet they disinherit you over this to make it “fair”. So treat this as your only inheritance and give them nothing (they don’t deserve it, your uncle only had you), or a token amount to your brother to honour your uncle’s wishes. Then spend it as you wish, like your uncle wanted!

Op, in all seriousness why are you getting support from mumsnet and not your partner and friends?

something like this… I’d be calling my two closest friends of 25 years to chat everything through. And if I had a partner (I am divorced) talking things through in depth with him.

Not a judgement, just curious why so grateful for support of an anonymous chat room?

They are grabby
i hate what money does to people
many morals they disappear!
do not let them dictate what you do! Do not give it away to them it’s poor character for them to even try get the money off you.

Sit on your hands, nothing has to be decided now and stop discussing it with your parents, just say it's in the hands of the solicitors
TBH if I left it to you I'd be bitterly disappointed if you handed over a significant amount to people who didn't care about me

No way would I give your brother any if he didn't see your uncle for 20 years! At the end of the day they'll all be pissed off with you anyway, unless you give him half, so you may as well not bother.

Your uncle obviously knew you were the one who could be relied on and who had genuine affection for him which is why he gave you all the money.

Your parents and brother are behaving appallingly.

I would keep most of the money and make a small donation to your brother to respect your uncle wishes. As others have mentioned it is likely your parents will favour your brother in their will...

You need to do what's right for your dh and children first and foremost op. Given all you've coped with and clearly your welfare isn't important in your families mind you can't assume any help will be forthcoming from your parents or brother one day. (sounds like cutting you out in favour of him is entirely possible).

It's clear why your uncle made the choice he did and it's HIS perogative to do that and it should be respected by all.

If you keep the peace by giving some that's great, I probably would in a normal kind family, but given how badly they're behaving they don't deserve any.

I say that as someone who had a childless aunt leave a similar estate to my sister and one other relative. My sister was not closer to the aunt than me so we have no idea why she picked her out. It was a life changing sum of money. It wouldn't have occurred to me not to share it. Sister kept the lot. Her choice. I was hurt as we were really struggling at the time and I never would have made that choice, but ultimately its up to her and that's that.

You “never expected a bean”

but clearly discussed the inheritance with your uncle and that you were going to receive it all?

my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that mean

Well it sounds like your brother is the Golden Child, and you should bear in mind that your parents may favour him in their will no matter what you do.

He had zero relationship with your uncle, your Mother's wasn't much better, and your Uncle wanted you to inherit.

I say give brother £10,000 as will doesnt specify amount but if Uncle had wanted larger amount hed have said so. Zero to your Mum (she'd give it to your brother!)

Honour your lovely uncle's wishes and keep at least 90% for Yourself.

Dont allow them to invade your trip! Who the fuck do they think they are? Stand up for yourself, im absolutely sure your uncle would be cheering you on!

Endlesslypatient82 the conversation you refer to sounds to me as though it happened after the son died, a few months ago. Op has had a good relationship with her uncle for years.

On what grounds do you base that?

quite clear to me the uncle told the op before he died that she’d get everything but to give her brother a contribution. She explicitly says that!

which contradicts her later statement that she had no idea she’d be getting a bean from the inheritance

I was going to say this also.

My dh has gone through something similar. He kept all the money that he was left and is under the clear understanding that when his mother dies, his brother will inherit everything.

My dh made his decision after realising that his mother and brother had never been particularly nice or kind to him, and that if he did give them some of the money that he had been left, it wouldn't change what they thought of him or how they treated him. He feels incredibly bad about the whole situation.

Sounds like your Uncle knew his relatives only too well.

I was once in your situation, you should respect your /uncles wishes, i.e Give some money to your Brother.

Involved in probate? there is a Will and sole beneficiary.

If your uncle asked you to give something to your brother I think you should, I know you don't have to legally but it would be horrible not to honour his wishes when he has left you everything.

Obviously the difficult thing is how much, such a shame your uncle didn't clarify.

I don't think you need to give anything to your parents as it doesn't sound like they need it, your uncle didn't ask you to and they haven't behaved well.

Good luck it really is a difficult situation.