Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, it's not pleasant. Lean on your DH's support if you feel you can.

My thoughts would be:

• Do not let your parents involved in any way with the admin of the estate. It will make a stressful time even more so.

• You make it clear all the pressure is coming from them, not your DB, so it would be unfair to penalise him for their behaviour. Your uncle said you should give hime "something" but didn't feel strongly enough about it to put it in his recent will, therefore he was happy to rely on your judgment. This implies a fairly small amount unless you felt he deserved more, and that's your call.

• You could mention in passing that your uncle probably let it skip a generation to avoid double inheritance tax. It may ease your mother's feelings a little and costs you nothing to say it.

Good luck and stay calm.

I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle.

I'm also sorry that your family are behaving in such a shameful manner.

I agree with the majority of posters - maybe give your brother a token amount, but definitely nothing to your parents. Your uncle went to the trouble of updating his will in your favour, and if he had wanted other family members to inherit large sums he would have stated it in the will.

If my family had behaved as yours are doing (which they would never do) I would have no second thoughts about cutting them out of my life - your family are greedy and grasping. I suspect, as others have said, you may well be cut out of your parents will, but frankly with the sum you are to inherit that wouldn't bother me at all.

I also think it would be very unwise to travel so far with your parents. No doubt they look upon it as an opportunity to work on you.

The money was left to you because your uncle wanted YOU to have it.

Good luck!

You do what you feel is right to do but 125k is a lot of money and remember he may just inherit your folks house and would he be so generous. Your uncle left you the money because you were kind and caring towards him and kept in contact with him. Next time they start on about it just say that it was him who made the will and left it to you so just stop. Do not feel under pressure at all and just give what you can and not what you feel you have to give.

Do not let them go with you in the car stand up for yourself and so sorry about your loss, they all sound mean and bullies.

Have you asked your parents about their will? Odd that they haven't told you, I would assume from that it's all going to your DB.

If your parents are in their 80s then maybe it was understandable they didn't want to travel to see your uncle? IDK maybe they were worried about Covid or maybe they thought they had more time.
Lots of porters are saying there is no amount you could give your brother that would make this ok but I suspect if you split the money evenly that that would be enough. 🤷🏻‍♀️. It depends how much you value your family. Keeping the money may split your family permanently. Is that really worth it to you?

Posts like this totally disregard the fact that the OP's uncle made it clear he wanted her to inherit his estate - it really has nothing to do with who visited whom and how often. What is the point of making a will if people are going to just hand the money out to others who were not named in said will?
As for permanently splitting a family - I would have no compunction in splitting a family who behaved in such an appalling way!

Sorry for your loss OP.

Wills can cause so much trouble in families. I know how difficult situations like this can be.

But your uncles wishes are his wishes, you are under no legal obligation to gift your brother, parents or any other relations money.

I can see it will undoubtedly lead to problems if you don’t, so sorry you have been put in this situation

I'd keep it OP.

Nothing to your parents and maybe £25K to your brother as a gesture.
We have had similar situations in our family a few times.
Elderly relatives dying and favouring one relative to the total exclusion of others.
Usually with good reason however- the favoured relative have been the ones who cared.
Not just a few months towards the end, but for decades, making sure the elderly person was involved, taking care, including in trips, making sure they felt part of the family.
After passing there has never been any question of the caring relative being left all or the greatest share of the estate.
Seems entirely fair.
I donlt know if this is the case in your family?

First of all there may be no tax to pay. It depends on whether he has inherited tax relief linked to a house etc...there could ultimately be an estate of 1m and pay no tax. That would need some advice to be sure although fairly easy to work out. Sounds like you have had some.

Your parents and brother have no right to be involved at all given the provisions of the will. They could of course challenge it but don't appear to have any grounds at all. My advise if keep them away from everything as otherwise it will become more difficult. Bearing in mind your uncle suggested giving them all "something", the ideal would be to sort the estate, let things calm down and then decide. However, the better tax efficient way would be to vary your uncles will as then it means the money never enters your own tax area and isn't seen as a gift from you.

Frankly it sounds like whatever you give them, they are going to be shitty and angry. Did he leave any rationale as to why he did this or is it obvious?

Personally I think you are flinging £125k down the drain...sounds like you won't hear from your DB much more anyway!! The obvious answer to them is that this is what your uncle choose and they need to ask themselves why...not you!

No good deed goes unpunished.

That’s all you need to remember.

If you can avoid it at all then don’t do this car journey with them on Friday

I wouldn’t give your brother anything much, maybe 50k or something as your uncle said to give him some. Nothing to your parents.

Tell then all that they want to start being a bit nicer to you if they want any benefit at all

I spend a lot of time with my aunt, my kids know her well, we get on well. My brother and his horrible wife ignore her. I know that if my aunt dies, and her son pre-deceases her, I'm a beneficiary and my brother isn't. Tough.

Your uncle deserves a say in this, and he has spoken.
I would keep the lot. NC your parents if necessary; they should, in fact, be happy for you. If a windfall came to my DC and left me out entirely I would be so happy for so many reasons.
Your parents are not behaving like parents, and your brother was not left anything for a reason.
Trust your uncle’s instincts. X

Do not disregard your uncle's will. He wanted the money to go to you because you are the only person who he had relationship with. Don't get your parents anywhere near probate and don't give them any money. Tell them this is the end of the conversation and you will do what your uncle told you to do.
Re your brother.. Give him something is not a 6 figure sum. I would give him £25k and explain you uncle wanted for you to give him a small sum.
If there is a fall out then let it be. Perhaps these greedy people need some home truth

People often inherit because of their actions, not their shared DNA.

I’m sorry about your loss and then finding yourself in this situation.

I would find a reason to get out of this 7 hour car journey even if it was lying about having Covid.

Your uncle left it to you and apart from a small comment about something for your brother. I would give him £25k whether that is £5k each to his dc and £15k for him or all to him. But if your uncle wanted him to have a significant amount he would have said.

I might be tempted to give your parents the same and tell them the uncle said they should use it to travel just to give you some peace.

As others have said your parents may now change their will to favour your brother but it might have been like that anyway.

I would also do something to honour your uncle, maybe travel somewhere he wanted to go to or loved or plant lots of his favourite flowers or something as a way of saying thank you

Why should he want some of the money when they’re already financially stable, and in spite of his daughter and her family?

OP’s description:

“My mother is very much a surrendered wife, who thinks men should come first, second and third hence the need for DB to get his half.”

Op.if it was all going to your mum for so long,and he's just changed it,then this isn't a long forgotten will where we forget what choices we've made and don't have time to change or overview it.this is a recent clear and precise change.
So you are actually needing to put all your feelings aside and listen to your uncle.he has made it very VERY clear.
Also due to your mum bring men first.i fear you might suffer in their own I inheritance.
So they no how much it's worth?
Don't tell them.givd them much smaller amount.
I think what your offering would be amazing g if you were all close.bit how they've treated you and your uncle changes it all.
You need to stand up to them.and yes use a man( dh) if you need to.
I no you just want to probably be loved,do the right thing,then finally mum and dad will treat you right(relish u like your golden db?!)
But that ain't going to happen and perhaps your uncle forsore this.
Perhaps he could see it coming and do wanted to help YOU out.knowing it night be the only chance.
Feel lucky.go get some ease into your life.fuck, with the coming years hour goung to need every penny.
How much of a weight of your dhshoulders how your family could feel settled where else it might have been fraught.

Would your DPs have driven for 7hrs to see your uncle when he was alive?
I think we all know the answer to that.

Be kind to yourself OP. The poster upthread who did share the inheritance 50/50 and still got grief is how things will turn out, regardless of how much you give DPs and DB.

I'm glad it sounds like you have a really good DH as your birth family don't seem kind at all.

Your uncle clearly had the measure of his sister and his nephew!
He left the money to you because he wanted you to have it. I would give nothing to your patents, but a small token to your brother, maybe £5,000. Nothing more.

Every time your parents raise it, just repeat that you are respecting uncles wishes and don’t wish to discuss it. No apologies no discussion.

I would not be in a car with them on Friday. They’ve invited themselves along? Well tell them it’s not possible. If it’s to do with the estate it’s not their business. There’s no room in the car as your whole family are going… any excuse not to take them. Can you change the date? And don’t tell them anything about the process….

Are your parents inferring that you were involved in the changing of his Will?

This. You should keep the lot.

Give your self permission to do what you want to do! Put yourself and your family (DH & children) first. It’s also what your uncle wanted and it is his money.

The rest of your family are toxic and don’t deserve the consideration you are giving them.

Say no to the 7 hour car journey with your parents.
Say no to giving them any money.
Give your brother 10% max.
Explain you are simply implementing the express wishes of your uncle as stated in his will and what they think/feel has nothing to do with it!

It is not up to you to keep them happy. If they want to risk their relationship with you & your family over money that’s on them.

This 100%

I definately wouldn't do the car journey with them.

Give yourself time to grief and sort out all the paperwork that needs to be completed. Make no decision yet.

Your parents really aren't involved in this, as they weren't mentioned in the will and your father is not a blood relative.

The only person you need to discuss money is your DB and the 'token' amount he's bequested.

I haven't seen my brother for 7 years due to his behaviour and expectations at our DF funeral and I don't miss him.