Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to raise an issue with what a so-called friend said to me?

529 replies

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 10:10

I have always looked very young for my age, which was a hinderance as a teenager and young adult but as I have got older I have embraced and taken upon the fact that that I look young as a blessing (I am now 28 btw but look like I am in the teenagers years range)

I bought a bottle of wine for dinner from the shop on the way home for me and my DBF last night (we are in a same-sex relationship) amongst other stuff and expected to show ID as normal and didn't get asked, so I jokingly said "Are you not going to ask me for ID for the wine?" and the (obviously gay a nd young) guy who was on the till stared at me and looked me up and down and said: "no, I don't think that's necessary."

I paid for my things without much further words and went home but was a bit upset. Later, I had a VERY SMALL cry to myself in private about it in the toilet and then when I told my friend later and told him what happened he was very nonchalant and said my crying was for attention-seeking and I always do it to try and get attention, even though I had JUST told him that I had cried to myself in total private and for very briefly, about ten seconds in total, if that!! I spoke to my DP later and he agreed with me that it was horrible but AIBU for being furious by the callous words from a so-called friend and should I lessen contact with them?

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 09/08/2022 22:00

Gordon Bennet !

Katypyee · 09/08/2022 22:03

You cried because you didn't get ID'd when buying wine? Did I get that correct? Wow! Get.A.Grip.

JasmineVioletRose · 09/08/2022 22:11

You sound incredibly immature. Why. Are you posting this on a parenting website?

stillvicarinatutu · 09/08/2022 22:14

Oh love .....age happens. I'm 50 but look younger - I do t get I'd anymore tho 😂. (Actually I did once during lockdown but I did have a mask on 🤷🏻‍♀️).

Embrace looking younger and don't t fret about what others think is my advice! Enjoy the booze . I'd have well pissed off if they'd refused me a bottle of wine !

stillvicarinatutu · 09/08/2022 22:23

No need to pile on op- is there ? Be kind.
It obviously hit a nerve and he's a bit sensitive to it- I am positive he has got the message now but no need to be horrible now I'd say . 🤷🏻‍♀️. Yeah it dramatic but there's worse things out there to get worked up about trust me .

Op have a glass of wine and enjoy looking younger!

VanGoghsDog · 09/08/2022 22:49

So, your friend was unsupportive. He probably thought you were being a bit melodramatic.

You asked if you should tell him his words were callous. Well, we cannot comment on that because you say he said you always do this. We don't know if he's right or not. But to be honest, the evidence would suggest he is.

  1. you ask to be ID'd - attention-seeking/flirting/silly
  2. you take the cashier's response as "an obvious out down", even though not looking over three years younger than you are is in no way a put down
  3. you cry, albeit for ten seconds, on your own, but a bit of an overreaction.
  4. you tell your friend points 1-3 above. Why?
  5. you then tell your DP about your friend, and presumably points 1-3 above - exhausting
  6. you post about it on a public forum, mainly designed for parents
  7. you begrudgingly accept you are being unreasonable, but only with the proviso that from now on you will show zero emotion and will act like a robot - dramatic much?
  8. you then inform us you will never leave the house again so as not to upset people by living.

On balance of probabilities, I'm going to suggest your friend had a point and you might take this as an opportunity to do some self reflection and consider if maybe you do, just a teensy bit, over react and attention seek very slightly, on occasion.

debwong · 09/08/2022 23:06

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 19:28

Well it was relevant because otherwise people would have assumed I was female and they would have judged I was taking into consideration what the (male) shop worker said like I wanted his attention if I hadn't stated my sex and sexuality (and his) at the start.

Show quote history

But you didn't state your sex at the start. Hence most people probably guessed you were female because this is Mumsnet.

VanGoghsDog · 09/08/2022 23:25

debwong · 09/08/2022 23:06

But you didn't state your sex at the start. Hence most people probably guessed you were female because this is Mumsnet.

Show quote history

It was obvious from the first post that the OP is male.

  1. refers to wine for 'DBF', saying "we're in a same sex relationship", it was clear at that point he meant "dear boy friend"
  2. later refers to DP as he. In a same sex relationship with a DP who is a he means the OP is a he too.
YesJess · 09/08/2022 23:29

VanGoghsDog · 09/08/2022 23:25

It was obvious from the first post that the OP is male.

  1. refers to wine for 'DBF', saying "we're in a same sex relationship", it was clear at that point he meant "dear boy friend"
  2. later refers to DP as he. In a same sex relationship with a DP who is a he means the OP is a he too.
Show quote history

I thought the same.

debwong · 09/08/2022 23:39

VanGoghsDog · 09/08/2022 23:25

It was obvious from the first post that the OP is male.

  1. refers to wine for 'DBF', saying "we're in a same sex relationship", it was clear at that point he meant "dear boy friend"
  2. later refers to DP as he. In a same sex relationship with a DP who is a he means the OP is a he too.
Show quote history

I have never seen DBF here before so I thought it meant dear best friend.

Anyway my point stands, he did not state his sex.

FloydWasACat · 09/08/2022 23:54

Sorry OP, but there are worse problems in life than this

EmeraldShamrock1 · 09/08/2022 23:59

This cannot be for real. 😳

Tallisimo · 10/08/2022 00:00

Good grief. You cried over that? You are being ridiculous. Get over yourself.

RenegadeMatron · 10/08/2022 01:12

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 21:07

Yeah, okay, fine. I take the point. I was actually trying to lightheartedly object to something that I thought was sexist, and I thought that the wording and context made it obvious. And actually, I think it did, but everyone was too eager to call me a numpty and say "no one cares" and "you don't sound like any woman I've ever met". Clearly my English is too crap to try to be funny and obviously everyone thinks that this vitriolic response was entirely justified given that no one has actually apologised for those comments so, yeah. I'll leave it there.

Your English is the exact opposite of ‘crap’, believe me!

For my part, I apologise for misinterpreting your comment.

I believe - correct me if I’m wrong - that you’re surprised that people misinterpreted it, as you’d made other comments on the thread that would suggest your post that’s caused the furore should obviously have been seen to be sarcastic?

The issue is that MN’s layout means it’s really hard to differentiate between posters, and remember who said what. I rarely take a huge amount of notice of a user’s name when they post - so can’t recall what they may or may not have said earlier in the thread.

I also think your follow-up post to the sarcastic one, where you said you didn’t want to explain it with a 😅 emoji made people think you were doubling down.

In any case - sorry for misinterpreting, and hope your day gets better. Flowers

RenegadeMatron · 10/08/2022 01:19

VanGoghsDog · 09/08/2022 23:25

It was obvious from the first post that the OP is male.

  1. refers to wine for 'DBF', saying "we're in a same sex relationship", it was clear at that point he meant "dear boy friend"
  2. later refers to DP as he. In a same sex relationship with a DP who is a he means the OP is a he too.
Show quote history

You’re absolutely right.

It’s just that crying in the loos because you didn’t get ID’d - and had shade thrown by the check-out person - is really, really not the sort of thing one would expect from a nearly 30YO man.

I mean, come on, you have to admit.

Caveat: it’s not what you’d expect from a nearly 30YO woman either - but really not from a man.

Also, as I said upfront - MN is not the natural home for a young(ish) gay man. It really is an odd place to post about this (not saying he’s not welcome - he is - just, you know, talking to a bunch of Mums about it. Really….?).

SpringIntoChaos · 10/08/2022 01:22

Bless your heart 😌

milkyaqua · 10/08/2022 01:27

ldontWanna · 09/08/2022 10:43

You ASKED to be ID'd - attention seeking
You then cried because you weren't- ridiculous but whatever floats your boat
You told friend about it- attention seeking
You told partner about friend being mean- attention seeking
You told MN about it all- attention seeking.

You might've just as well cried in the shop

This.

You couldn't have been any less attention seeking. I suppose you didn't smash your bottle down on the counter while shrieking at the heinous insult, so there is that.

Craver · 10/08/2022 02:06

I think you need to grow up

Batwomanandrobin · 10/08/2022 07:40

Sorry but I'm afraid it's called 'getting older'...when I was in my early twenties I was very slender and often got mistaken for 15/16, sadly that changed and now I wound get mistaken for anything other than mum own age, maybe you used to look like a teenager but you couldn't expect that to last for ever ?

Batwomanandrobin · 10/08/2022 07:43

I mean *my own age

Strugglingtodomybest · 10/08/2022 07:52

@Jourdain11 just got to the end of the thread and wanted to say that I got your sarcasm, and I hope you're feeling better today.

Burgoo · 10/08/2022 08:06

@Keyansier "Obviously gay and young"

Can you tell us how it was "obvious" he was gay? Are you saying that all gays look and act the same? That they are all stereotypically "gay" in some way. I suspect you didn't intend to seem a bit bigoted but it certainly sounds like it.

You didn't keep it private. You then talked about it with a friend, thus it was no longer private. I suspect - and I may be wrong here - that you have a tendency to turn relatively minor things into dramas and your friend has had enough and called you on it. This seems to me like a non-event and yet you were emotionally reactive enough to have a "small cry" about it.

I also imagine that much of your conversations are about you. What you did, who you saw, what drama happened in your life. It sounds like your partner placated you because its less hassle than agreeing with your friend.

I would also suggest that you aren't able to sit back and reflect and hear what is being said. The fact you said "so called" friend indicates that you are friends with people until they disagree or call you out and then suddenly they aren't friends anymore.

I may be WELL off, though do have a think OP. DM me if you want.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 10/08/2022 12:14

@Jourdain11 I got the sacasm. Not sure how no-one else did!

Vikinga · 10/08/2022 12:19

If I'd been pathetic enough to cry about this (because you know there are real things to cry about like the world collapsing all around us with extreme weather events that everyone is ignoring, people dying etc) I certainly wouldn't have admitted it to anyone (and I'm an open book).

This can't be real, surely?

Derbee · 10/08/2022 12:28

@Jourdain11 clearly your post was sarcasm. But unfortunately there are a lot of people on here who have things to waaaaaaay over their heads. Don’t give too much thought to people who miss the point and try to argue the toss over
something pointless!

Swipe left for the next trending thread