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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to raise an issue with what a so-called friend said to me?

529 replies

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 10:10

I have always looked very young for my age, which was a hinderance as a teenager and young adult but as I have got older I have embraced and taken upon the fact that that I look young as a blessing (I am now 28 btw but look like I am in the teenagers years range)

I bought a bottle of wine for dinner from the shop on the way home for me and my DBF last night (we are in a same-sex relationship) amongst other stuff and expected to show ID as normal and didn't get asked, so I jokingly said "Are you not going to ask me for ID for the wine?" and the (obviously gay a nd young) guy who was on the till stared at me and looked me up and down and said: "no, I don't think that's necessary."

I paid for my things without much further words and went home but was a bit upset. Later, I had a VERY SMALL cry to myself in private about it in the toilet and then when I told my friend later and told him what happened he was very nonchalant and said my crying was for attention-seeking and I always do it to try and get attention, even though I had JUST told him that I had cried to myself in total private and for very briefly, about ten seconds in total, if that!! I spoke to my DP later and he agreed with me that it was horrible but AIBU for being furious by the callous words from a so-called friend and should I lessen contact with them?

OP posts:
Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 19:32

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 19:28

Well it was relevant because otherwise people would have assumed I was female and they would have judged I was taking into consideration what the (male) shop worker said like I wanted his attention if I hadn't stated my sex and sexuality (and his) at the start.

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That's fair enough. Women are very well known for having a sexual interest in young male cashiers. Especially older-looking women who don't look youthful enough to get ID'd.

RenegadeMatron · 09/08/2022 19:33

RenegadeMatron · 09/08/2022 19:30

I wasn’t implying ‘drag queen’, I was very much implying ‘drama queen’.

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You know, in relation to your ‘woe is me’, ”so I'll just take that I'm BU and will not go out in public again and bother people by living my life” comment….

Johnnysgirl · 09/08/2022 19:37

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 19:28

Well it was relevant because otherwise people would have assumed I was female and they would have judged I was taking into consideration what the (male) shop worker said like I wanted his attention if I hadn't stated my sex and sexuality (and his) at the start.

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But you're make and gay, so where's the difference? You were seeking his attention.

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 19:42

Johnnysgirl · 09/08/2022 19:37

But you're make and gay, so where's the difference? You were seeking his attention.

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I think it's just that women are more likely to seek sexual attention from strangers than men, you know, regardless of sexual orientation.

ReneBumsWombats · 09/08/2022 19:46

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 19:42

I think it's just that women are more likely to seek sexual attention from strangers than men, you know, regardless of sexual orientation.

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Er, you do? Why?

RenegadeMatron · 09/08/2022 19:46

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 19:42

I think it's just that women are more likely to seek sexual attention from strangers than men, you know, regardless of sexual orientation.

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What…..?

Could not disagree more.

AMIAMIBU · 09/08/2022 19:50

@Keyansier you've been voted YABU BY 99% of people, fairly convincing that you are!

Move on!

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 19:55

ReneBumsWombats · 09/08/2022 19:46

Er, you do? Why?

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😅 Not going to answer that..!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/08/2022 19:56

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 19:28

Well it was relevant because otherwise people would have assumed I was female and they would have judged I was taking into consideration what the (male) shop worker said like I wanted his attention if I hadn't stated my sex and sexuality (and his) at the start.

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Surely the fact you’re a gay man and he was a gay man makes it equally likely you might have been upset because you wanted his attention as if we all thought you were a straight woman and he was a straight man? I don’t see how clarifying you’re both gay men makes it less likely for anybody to assume there was an element of you fancying him within this?

Johnnysgirl · 09/08/2022 19:59

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 19:42

I think it's just that women are more likely to seek sexual attention from strangers than men, you know, regardless of sexual orientation.

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What bollocks Hmm

Johnnysgirl · 09/08/2022 20:01

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 19:55

😅 Not going to answer that..!

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So why spout bollocks in the first place? Numpty. No one cares.

Blue4YOU · 09/08/2022 20:04

@Jourdain11
Ah come on. Are you hoping we will all mother you.. those of us who are women?
or .. are gay men supposed to admire and want to shag every other gay man? But it’s upsetting because this one didn’t want to? Or he didn’t play by the rules?
or gay men don’t seek sexual interest from other parties than their partners… ahem. Yes, that’s the most well known pair of tropes: gay men are so content in their own lives, loves and looks that they are only interested in their partners views and sexual interest, whereas heterosexual women or lesbians seek attention from young, very obviously gay men.
Yes.
Now it’s clear.
Are you going for the literary prize in investigative journalism, upending all previous assumptions on sexual interest and who wants it?

waterbotherer · 09/08/2022 20:04

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 19:42

I think it's just that women are more likely to seek sexual attention from strangers than men, you know, regardless of sexual orientation.

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are you a woman? Cos you don’t sound like any I know. Embarrassing

waterbotherer · 09/08/2022 20:06

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 19:28

Well it was relevant because otherwise people would have assumed I was female and they would have judged I was taking into consideration what the (male) shop worker said like I wanted his attention if I hadn't stated my sex and sexuality (and his) at the start.

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this makes no sense, a woman and a gay man are both attracted to men Confused

ReneBumsWombats · 09/08/2022 20:10

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 19:55

😅 Not going to answer that..!

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No, I didn't think you would.

CreepyDibillo · 09/08/2022 20:16

BMW6 · 09/08/2022 16:48

Have you ever seen the Sistene Chapel OP?

I just snorted my wine 🤣

ReeseWitherfork · 09/08/2022 20:20

AMIAMIBU · 09/08/2022 19:50

@Keyansier you've been voted YABU BY 99% of people, fairly convincing that you are!

Move on!

Who were the 1%?! And are they mad?

AMIAMIBU · 09/08/2022 20:20

@ReeseWitherfork OP on another account, or human error? Grin

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 20:21

Umm. I thought that (alongside my comment at the top of the page) it was fairly obvious sarcasm, in response to OP's rationale for disclosing their gender/sexual preferences.

From a woman.

RenegadeMatron · 09/08/2022 20:35

Sorry @Jourdain11 - no hint of sarcasm in that one at all.

RenegadeMatron · 09/08/2022 20:36

And not implying to didn’t mean to be sarcastic - just that it really didn’t come across!

titchy · 09/08/2022 20:36

Keyansier · 09/08/2022 10:21

I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP - I didn't cause a scene at the shop, I didn't react until I got home in private and privately was a bit upset by it. So I don't see how that is trying to seek attention because it wasn't in front of anyone.

If it wasn't in front of anyone how did your dp know you had a little cry to yourself?

Presumably you told him you cried in the bathroom - hence the attention seeking. If you were a bit upset (really...) but realised you were being daft you should have just not mentioned it.

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 20:42

RenegadeMatron · 09/08/2022 20:36

And not implying to didn’t mean to be sarcastic - just that it really didn’t come across!

"Women are very well known for having a sexual interest in young male cashiers. Especially older-looking women who don't look youthful enough to get ID'd." really didn't sound sarcastic at all? I mean, it's hard to replicate tone of voice and facial expression in text but... Yeah, I'm going to put this down to a non-native-speaker issue. And I haven't actually taken offence at being squashed by a huge pile-on 🙃

RenegadeMatron · 09/08/2022 21:02

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 20:42

"Women are very well known for having a sexual interest in young male cashiers. Especially older-looking women who don't look youthful enough to get ID'd." really didn't sound sarcastic at all? I mean, it's hard to replicate tone of voice and facial expression in text but... Yeah, I'm going to put this down to a non-native-speaker issue. And I haven't actually taken offence at being squashed by a huge pile-on 🙃

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Well, no, given that everyone responded in the same way to it!

Jourdain11 · 09/08/2022 21:07

Yeah, okay, fine. I take the point. I was actually trying to lightheartedly object to something that I thought was sexist, and I thought that the wording and context made it obvious. And actually, I think it did, but everyone was too eager to call me a numpty and say "no one cares" and "you don't sound like any woman I've ever met". Clearly my English is too crap to try to be funny and obviously everyone thinks that this vitriolic response was entirely justified given that no one has actually apologised for those comments so, yeah. I'll leave it there.