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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline this wedding now?

343 replies

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 09:56

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

OP posts:
BillyBobBear · 09/08/2022 12:47

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 10:58

It's very hard, very frustrating, & can be very upsetting. I do understand.

However ... you could decide that this wedding is your line in the sand - from which you are going to start disengaging from your awful family.

I absolutely get it OP - it's demoralising & suffocating when you are being gaslit & the flying monkeys are pushing the bullshit on anyone who will listen.
In fact, I think THIS is the real problem, not the wedding: you need to give yourself permission for that disengagement. Part of that is finding a way to not let the batshit opinions of abusive people matter to you.
That's easily said, not so easily done, & nobody can tell you what tactics will work for you. But if you are 'stuck' here, please spend some of the money you will save by avoiding this show-off wedding on some therapy for yourself.
Not because there's anything wrong with you - there isn't - but it takes a while, & sometimes professional support, to unpick the dynamics of decades of dysfunctional family FOG.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Show quote history

Absolutely this. Decline OP, it will do you all the world of good. And DC literally can't miss exams so that's an iron clad reason (Not an excuse) to say no.

PantyMcPantFace · 09/08/2022 12:50

OK, I am guessing either the 18 year old is doing a completely vocational course /apprenticeship (though sure these to have ahem, ahem....summer exams) or you have changed some details, so as to remain a bit anonymous - because there is no way anyone would expect an 18 year old to be able to go on any trip in June. As so many PPs have said - A levels/BTECs take place in May/June and contingency day tend to be 28/29/30th.

If they do have exams (or even if they are ahem, ahem, slightly made up for the purpose) - it is completely unreasonable for any of your family to expect you to attend. Even if they are in Y12 next June - some BTEC courses have exams at the end of Y12 as well as end of Y13.

To be honest, I would just decline - with valid reasons. If there is any fall out just walk away. NC does not seem to be a great loss to worry about! Maybe decline, NC and rejoice?

Crumpleton · 09/08/2022 12:52

I'd phone and say
"Sorry the timing just isn't right. Not sure if it's slipped your mind but it's your Niece/Nephew's 18th birthday and they're having a party on that day. It's also exam week and imperative that DC is there to take them"

Seriously how can family members, especially your parents, DC grandparents, forget that it's their grandchilds coming of age, if they think so little of them I'd definitely not go.
The wedding could have been on any day a birthday is that day and that's it.

So be it if they take umpage and you fall out it says more about them than you, and believe me being away from family drama is no loss.
There's no way I'd miss my DC 18th or be part of them missing important exams just to please the chosen child.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/08/2022 12:54

Don't go.. obviously.

But play the game, make sure you tell EVERYONE, the postman, the bloke down the roads dog, eeeeeeveryone.. just how absolutely GUTTED you are that due to childs exams you can't make it, SUCH a shame you were SO looking forward to it but its obviously such an important time for child, you'd be TERRIBLE parents to go...

If you get that out there now, fuck all B&G can do.

Figgygal · 09/08/2022 12:55

No chance id go either
Costly and inconvenient
Thats the risk you take with overseas weddings

RedHelenB · 09/08/2022 12:56

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:15

Nuclear fallout as it is a sibling and parent will go ape shit.

The sibling at the very least should go .

Notanotherwindow · 09/08/2022 12:58

Everyone else can afford it? That's nice. We can't. Terribly sorry we'll have to miss it, can't wait to see the pictures, we'll drop your wedding present round when you get back.

Let the parents go apeshit. Just keep repeating that dc has exams, you can't afford it and it is also dc 16th so you already have a commitment.

It just won't work, ever so sorry, we'll be raising a glass to you at x time, hope you have the most lovely day. Then down a glass of liquid zen, sit back and watch serenely as the shit hits the fan.

Its just a wedding. They have the rest of their lives together. What does it matter if one person isn't there for one day?

WaveyHair · 09/08/2022 12:59

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:39

I'm guessing your brother or sister is the golden child?

Yep.

I'm pretty sure they picked this date as it was a bit cheaper and they could get this week. I'm pretty sure they know it is my DC's 18th and school, but assume that because they are much more important than anyone else, it is irrelevant.

I'm pretty sure if we don't go the relevant facts about it being term time and a significant birthday will be removed when the drama is recounted to anyone who'll listen.

Don't be bullied into going. Unless you were part of the decision than you are under no obligation.

Yes they may throw a massive tantrum but unless you are a very close knit family (which it sounds like you are not) then stand your ground.

I live far from my family so understand the dilemma. But your priority will be to your own family.

Freddiefox · 09/08/2022 12:59

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:49

Is your sibling the golden child? The one who can do no wrong? If so, you need to think about long term and going low or no contact for your own sanity.
Add message

This is the dynamic yes and I am already LC with them. In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are.

They have a low opinion of you, because that’s where they want to put you. It’s comfortable looking down. So Even if you went, it won’t change your relationship with them. They have given you a role, a wedding won’t change that.

Hersetta427 · 09/08/2022 12:59

Will your 18 yr old not be doing A levels - easy excuse !

frazzledasarock · 09/08/2022 13:01

I’d want to be home to support my child through their exams.
I’ve had dc sitting A’levels, and I was needed to be around at least till they finished exams.

if the sibling wanted OP to be their they’d have taken OP’s availability into consideration.

Twilight7777 · 09/08/2022 13:02

Sound like narcissists and golden child sibling. Guessing you’re the scapegoat. I would do grey rock technique (don’t be interesting, or antagonistic, be invisible Google for more info) and broken record technique (just repeat and repeat something similar to ‘we are unable to attend the wedding’, no explaining no apology, just repeat ad infinitum.

MsRosley · 09/08/2022 13:02

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:49

Is your sibling the golden child? The one who can do no wrong? If so, you need to think about long term and going low or no contact for your own sanity.
Add message

This is the dynamic yes and I am already LC with them. In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are.

You can live to please them, which is probably impossible in this toxic family dynamic, or you can ignore their crap and live to please yourself. If anyone judges you, or passes on other people's judgements to stir drama, reiterate why you couldn't go then block them.

It's up to you, OP. You can break free of this if you want to.

AWobABobBob · 09/08/2022 13:03

Can you not leave DC with the other set of grandparents for that week?

MsRosley · 09/08/2022 13:04

RedHelenB · 09/08/2022 12:56

The sibling at the very least should go .

Show quote history

Are you the bride by any chance?

LaurieFairyCake · 09/08/2022 13:04

Put the invite on Facebook along with a massive gushing post about how you wish they could go but DC has exams that week and you hope they all have the BESTEST time making wonderful family memories

And you will be there with them in your heart/spirit and various other SHASH BOLLOCKS along with a big grin and a tear emoticon

Basically make sure you cover all bases for the family who read your posts

And then don't pick up the phone to them for 2 days and practice a baffled/wounded expression "Didn't you SEE how sad I am to not be going"

drawacircleroundit · 09/08/2022 13:05

If you have DCs in year 11 or 13, they will be doing exams in June. I think the advice this year was to not go anywhere until after June 19th as this was the emergency exam board mop-up day. Dates like this aren’t released until nearer the season. If you have DC in years 10 or 12, they may (“will?”) have mocks which will influence predicted grades, which are important for progression into the sixth form, UCAS/college applications and (wheel this one out, why not) their sense of worth and the need to apply themselves with revision for said exams. If you have DC in yr 9, the school might start GCSE courses after June half term - no way are you going to jeopardise that settling in period for them - they get it only once.
I’d let slip the dogs of war and say that we won’t be attending. Too much uncertainty about schooling and finances, and so you can’t commit, don’t want to mess them around, and so it’s a polite “No”. Put your DC first!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2022 13:05

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:19

Do they decline though Wavey? When we initially pushed back on it due to cost we were told "everyone else has accepted and doesn't have a problem with the cost". None of them are loaded. They all have average jobs.

I can't quite see that myself.

Bet they said that to everyone who complained - after all, who is going to compare notes with others if they think they're the only one pushing back?
Standard control tactic - divide and conquer.

Please decline. If they cut you off, you won't be any worse off, really - if you go, you will be MUCH worse off. Thanks

Echobelly · 09/08/2022 13:06

Who on earth has a term-time destination wedding when they have close family with kids and then expects everyone to come? I am really surprised sometimes how couples can totally fail to consider other people's needs - ensuring our wedding was financially and travel accessible for guests was probably my number one priority, and that was any guests, not just close family.

Frankola · 09/08/2022 13:08

Sibling or not, when someone chooses a destination wedding they have to be prepared to receive declines to their invite.

You've got plenty of valid reasons there. Say no.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2022 13:08

AWobABobBob · 09/08/2022 13:03

Can you not leave DC with the other set of grandparents for that week?

Yeah sure - leave the kid whose 18th birthday it will be with grandparents to fly to a shindig of people they don't really care about and who certainly don't care about them - grand plan!

billy1966 · 09/08/2022 13:09

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:49

Is your sibling the golden child? The one who can do no wrong? If so, you need to think about long term and going low or no contact for your own sanity.
Add message

This is the dynamic yes and I am already LC with them. In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are.

So you have nothing further to lose.

Their wedding does NOT come ahead of your children or their exams.

No point in defending yourself.
Just a pure statement of fact.

Lemonyfuckit · 09/08/2022 13:10

The fact it is in term time is actually the perfect excuse for the fact it was going to cost more than you wanted to spend OP - you can't go, it's as simple as that. Honestly anyone who holds a wedding in term time which requires a long journey has to accept that guests with school age children won't be able to make it. The bride and groom are under no obligation to plan their wedding during school holidays, and you are under no obligation to go. There really shouldn't be any drama involved with this.

DancingUnderTheLights · 09/08/2022 13:10

Just say no and keep saying it.

Comefromaway · 09/08/2022 13:12

If you have an 18 year old in Year 13 then they WILL be doing exams. Even if they are doing a 100% coursework Btec then they will have assessment deadline submissions during June.