Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline this wedding now?

343 replies

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 09:56

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

OP posts:
Pinkspice · 09/08/2022 12:09

Transformatio · 09/08/2022 11:01

Don't be afraid of this reinforcement of their view that 'you're awful' - one of the key elements of escaping the manipulation of 'toxic' parents was to no longer worry about what they thought of us/their smear campaign.

As soon as you mentioned that they would go ape-shit...it came as no surprise that they're manipulative and controlling parents who have embraced the GC/SC dynamic.

You absolutely have to put YOUR family first - your child's 18th birthday, their exams and your finances. Don't be drawn into discussing it with them. They can flounce off and go NC for while if they wish.

I would send your regrets as soon as possible to get this over and done with💐

Absolutely this!

The one thing you have to remember about dysfunctional families with this kind of dynamic is they most probably won't change. They're invested with you in this role of the difficult/unhelpful/less valuable child. Your DSis plays on this to get even more attention and for you to be even more sidelined. Hence picking the most difficult time possible for her wedding: in term time, time zones away, during your DS's A levels and his 18th birthday.

They'll always find a way to make you look unreasonable. Resist playing their game by getting into a discussion, defending yourself, giving in to their demands. They are being completely unreasonable. Timings* *for A levels are not mysterious, nor are 18th birthdays. Imagine what would happen in someone arranged a wedding during GC bride's A levels and 18th birthday, would she have been told to suck it up?

Unfortunately you can't make the wedding as it's a very important time for DS, and you will understand that we have to put him first. Repeat ad nauseum. End of discussion. Giving into them will not make them love you more, prioritise your feelings, be more reasonable in the future. Once you realise this and are prepared to risk their disapproval, they lose their power to control you.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 09/08/2022 12:09

Quick question.

Do you believe that, if you break yourselves and miss DC's exams to attend sibling's wedding, that you will suddenly be welcomed into the fold of your family and feted as the new golden child? Or do you know that things will continue exactly the way they have done all along?

Why are you even considering putting yourselves out for a family who treat you like shit? And will continue to do so regardless of what you do next June.

Decline. You've given your reasons already so just repeat on a loop that it's not possible for you to attend. Don't get drawn into arguments and defensiveness. If they want to kick off, let them.

chocolateoranges33 · 09/08/2022 12:09

If the wedding is in June and your DC is 18 next school year, then they will be taking their A levels/BTEC exams throughout June so you cant go - simple.

Pinkspice · 09/08/2022 12:14

choolaboola · 09/08/2022 11:36

Ok - can I just say - your sibling is perfectly entitled to get married at a time of their choice, and is not obliged to have a school holiday wedding just because of the fact you decided to procreate!
Why wouldn't they go for something if it is cheaper?!
They would be being unreasonable if they were annoyed with you by not going. It's like getting married on a week day. I couldn't give two hoots if you need to take annual leave - if it bothers you, don't come!

Show quote history

To pick a time when it's your nephew's 18th birthday and he's doing his A levels does seem unreasonable if you expect them to come. Otherwise, why would OP say the parents would go apeshit if the B&G weren't expecting them to come? The OP isn't being entitled. It sounds like she couldn't give two hoots about going. It's just the family pressure to go that's upsetting her.

Ourlady · 09/08/2022 12:15

Your sibling is and always be the golden child and that dynamic will never change no matter what you do so I would just say sod and say you’re not going.
Your own immediate family are way more important.

Brideandprejudice · 09/08/2022 12:17

They obviously don't care about you, so why are you caring so much about them?

Sswhinesthebest · 09/08/2022 12:17

They can’t argue with exams.

Hercisback · 09/08/2022 12:22

As many PPs have said, it is very likely there will be exams on until the end of June. I'd decline now on that basis. Why would you possibly fuck up your DDs life for one wedding that you don't want to go to? You cannot go in May or June because of A level exams. Say no now and explain why.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2022 12:23

OP I didn't go to my sister's wedding and she didn't go to mine (there were mitigating circumstances in both cases). We have a great relationship and no hard feelings on either side.

Just neither of us consider weddings to the most important thing in the world. Honestly if your parents and sibling considered it that important for you to be there they wouldn't have organised it in term time.

The over-emphasis on weddings in our society is utterly mad IMHO

Ihearticecream · 09/08/2022 12:26

OP can you just not say anything at all. Pretend like it’s all booked (if asked) and then when it comes to it (if it makes it that far) then blame the travel company. Act like there’s nothing you can do. And basically just get on with your life and focus on your DC’s.

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 12:28

Ihearticecream · 09/08/2022 12:26

OP can you just not say anything at all. Pretend like it’s all booked (if asked) and then when it comes to it (if it makes it that far) then blame the travel company. Act like there’s nothing you can do. And basically just get on with your life and focus on your DC’s.

Why would you do that?

Completely aside from all the "where are you staying? Who are you flying with? Who did you book through? Who's doing your transfers?" questions, why would you bother lying and causing them expense and hassle?

clarepetal · 09/08/2022 12:29

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 09/08/2022 10:27

Your dc's birthday surely outweighs a relative's wedding?

My thoughts too

twoshedsjackson · 09/08/2022 12:30

A friend of mine used to be organist at a big London church. At one stage, they were doing very nice business with a company who arranged London weddings for Japanese couples, as part of a holiday in Europe; an exotic location for such a couple.
Apparently there is a strict etiquette in some parts of Japanese society, whereby it is obligatory to invite certain people, including one's boss and certain colleagues for example, and picking an inaccessible wedding venue is face-saving way of pruning the guest list.
Are the happy couple capable of such Machiavellian planning, do you think, or is it simply the motives, or thoughtlessness, which have already occurred to you?

goldfinchonthelawn · 09/08/2022 12:31

You are absolutley not being unreasonable. Explain that you'd love to go but it is exam season so you need to be home with your children.

No further explanation necessary. Anyone who takes offense at that is self-absorbed and you don't need them in your life.

TenoringBehind · 09/08/2022 12:32

you can’t go because it clashes with exams. Politely decline now and don’t give it another thought. Offer to host something in the summer by way of a celebration.

a rare case where the answer is clear cut and shouldn’t cause offence.

browneyes77 · 09/08/2022 12:37

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 10:49

Is your sibling the golden child? The one who can do no wrong? If so, you need to think about long term and going low or no contact for your own sanity.
Add message

This is the dynamic yes and I am already LC with them. In a way, us declining is just reinforcing to them how "awful" we are.

If they already think that about you anyway, why waste money you don’t have, for people who aren’t very nice to you and think so low of you?

Fuck that. I wouldn’t waste a penny on them. Let them go nuclear. Their wedding does not trump your child’s exams, nor should you have to wipe out all your money attending. Especially for people who clearly don’t have a good thing to say about you anyway!

Quitelikeit · 09/08/2022 12:42

These people will treat you with contempt whether you go or not, sadly.

you don’t have to be unkind, explain in a polite text as to why you can’t make it

do consider really distancing yourself from this toxicity and dysfunction that exists in your life and causes you mental anguish. You cannot change them only your response to them.

frazzledasarock · 09/08/2022 12:43

Do you have anything to lose by declining?

you’re budget and prior responsibilities are ignored anyway. So go ahead and decline very politely.

who cares what they tell other people. People are not stupid anyone with half a brain cell will know that having a child in school during exam time is not a time a parent can go off to a wedding.

I bet you won’t be the only one to decline.

decline then ignore the parent. They’re not going to put you or your family needs ahead of your siblings wants so you have to.

NicLondon1 · 09/08/2022 12:44

Can I play the devil's advocate... I would be interested to know where it is ?

From your post, I am imagining long-haul travel and thousands of pounds spent.... however, if it is in Europe, could you fly low-budget and just go for 2 nights over a weekend? Does it have to cost a fortune..?

Exams are the perfect excuse if it's longhaul, but it's a weekend in a European destination, perhaps it's not unreasonable to make the effort..?

Fifteentoes · 09/08/2022 12:44

It always amazes me how much weddings bring out people's toxic attitudes to relationships with others, and are used to justify all kinds of juvenile power games.

It sounds like you're related to some right horrible people. You won't be able to change what they do or say, or somehow turn them into nice and reasonable people. Your only decision is whether it's worth spending your life savings and sacrificing your DS's birthday and education to maintain your relationship with them on its current terms.

I know what I'd do.

Ihearticecream · 09/08/2022 12:45

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 12:28

Why would you do that?

Completely aside from all the "where are you staying? Who are you flying with? Who did you book through? Who's doing your transfers?" questions, why would you bother lying and causing them expense and hassle?

Show quote history

It is not something I would normally do at all but given the OP’s circumstances whereby she feels she will be blamed no matter what reasonable reasons she has for declining, why go in for a fight? Just take anything they can argue with away.

Ihadenough22 · 09/08/2022 12:45

The bride or groom are the golden adult child and your not. The golden child has always been put 1st and gotten what they want always.
Most families I know would consider immediate family members that they want at their wedding when planning a wedding day.

So the couple in question want an expensive destination wedding. They have to accept that people may not be able to afford to go, can't take holidays then or can't go due to family reasons.

Planning a destination wedding at the moment just shows how tone deaf this couple are and I am surprised their parents have not said why don't you get married in in UK.

I would just tell them you can't attend this wedding due to it being exam time. Why should you spend thousands to suit them or get into debt for this?
If your parent/parents are unhappy that their problem. I am going to be honest they are not going to get a large number of people going to a destination wedding despite what they think.

WeAreTheHeroes · 09/08/2022 12:45

All well and good @choolaboola - then they do so in the knowledge not everyone will be able to attend. You can't pick a date during school/college term time and expect kids to be taken out of school. For an afternoon locally then it's probably doable, but not for a gig abroad. The couple should just have a couple of witnesses, enjoy a holiday and have a party when they get back.

No one is obliged to accept an invitation. It is an invitation not a summons after all.

User6372648284 · 09/08/2022 12:45

Just decline.

tell them your son might have exams.

tell them you can't afford it.

It is unrealistic for a bride & groom to expect everyone to able to afford it, even more so in current times.

Monkey2001 · 09/08/2022 12:47

Your 18 year old will be doing A levels - this year the final date was around 24th June, that is a great get-out, whichever of you is the sibling could go alone.