Expensive birthday activity for DS, how to stop uninvited "extra" kids coming?

[samsmummyhere]

Just that ready.
For DS's birthday next month he wants to go to a particular place that cost almost £30 per child for the activity and food afterwards.
I've told him he can invite 10 friends along, I seriously couldn't afford any more.
Trouble is, at most of the parties he's attended in the past since starting school, I've noticed so many of the mums from his circle of friends to bring along ALL their kids, even when not invited. Like it's free childcare of something, or just because they can't leave them at home (understandable I suppose for single parents without help etc).
BUT I'm adamant I don't want this happening at my son's party... Why should I end up paying several more £30 for the sake of mums who do this?
Anyone being in similar situations? How do I word it politely but FIRMLY on the invitations that the invites are for the NAMED FRIEND ONLY, no siblings or other add-ons?

I don't know many parents who would drop a 5 year old off with people they don't know, let alone in a venue open to the public as opposed to a private house which is relatively well-secured and where the children can be easily supervised.

Likewise, many parents of that age group will stay and watch swimming lessons. Brownie leaders and other adults who run activities are crb-checked and there are safeguarding policies in place and protocols for if a child goes missing. Completely different from 20 children running around a chaotic softplay, apparently 'supervised' by a harassed parent who probably couldn't even recognise half of them as being in the party group if they haven't met them before.

I did this one year and 6 parents brought siblings, without asking me and I ended up short on food, plates, cups etc for the ones that were invited. It was a nightmare. I had to ask parents to get their kids to hand over plates to those who were actually invited.

I never thought for one minute that I would have to pay for ‘extra’ kids food etc due to CF parents. One parent had the cheek to ask why I didn’t order extra. I said that I had no idea that she would be rude enough to turn up with 2 extra children. Her husband was in the pub next door too!

I learnt my lesson and made it clear the year after that I was just paying for an activity and food for those invited and no siblings could be accommodated.

I am so pleased that DS is now old enough not to want parties.

Perfectly put.
My daughter’s swimming lessons stipulate that a parent must be poolside because she’s only five.

I can't believe you do this, major CF. don't you think the host just caters for those invited then you want to add another 2 on? drop and run or decline in future.

It’s not someone you don’t know though it’s another mum from school. At 5 they go to school, do activities like Rainbows and go for tea at a friends unaccompanied.
Obviously some parties aren’t suitable for drop and go but it wasn’t norm to stay with school aged children.

Oh this is definitely a thing here! I did a party for my 6 year old and I hired the entire venue of a normally public space. I had to pay for private hire and then cost per head per child. I did this because my child has SEN and can only enjoy these sorts of things if she's with familiar faces, not too many people etc. We invited her class and a couple of family children. So a space that can hold 75 odd children usually had about 25 which was perfect for her.

Despite the fact that I put in the invitation that it was a drop off/pick up scenario and that the venue was closed for the party so no additions could be purchased I still had people^^ turn up with uninvited siblings and try to bring them in. When they lady at the door said no, no tickets could be purchased because it was a private party I had them waving over to me asking if I could 'squeeze in one more as if hired the whole venue'.

Nope. I specifically didn't want unfamiliar children there which is why I did private hire.

I just said no though. Politely but firmly. Tough shit if it didn't go down well.

I have another friend who did a party at a trampoline park, paid for something like 15 children with a party room/sandwiches and cake at the end but it was also open to the public to buy a ticket. She gave the venue a list and two cheeky twats brought siblings and just ticked them off the list! They bounced but didn't go to the party bit so my friend didn't notice she assumed they'd come in as 'public'. So two genuine party childrens mums ended up paying to get them in (the desk is a way from the bounce bit) because all the party spaces were 'gone' when they arrived and they didn't mention it to my friend until afterwards. She was mortified and tried to give them the cost of the tickets back but honestly, peoples entitlements knows no bounds.

OP make it crystal clear!! In future I will be making it even more clear, if that's possible!

She asks the host permission 😂 Why do you think you’re in a position to unanimously decide for everyone who ever plans a party in the UK that she should drop and leave or decline?

Well that's fine for mainstream children. In my case my kids have special needs so they have no sense of danger. They need to be supervised constantly by an adult. If I left them somewhere unfamiliar with people they don't know and don't have a clue about special needs trust me they wouldn't be there when I returned.

Do parents of 5 year olds really drop their children off at large soft play barns open to the public with only one or two adults supervising them?I

I wouldn't have felt happy to, not would DD at that age. No other parent did unless they asked another parent beforehand to keep an eye on them.

I’ve never come across this, and I find it hard to believe people think it’s OK. Of course you don’t bring siblings- ever. You drop your child off and go home/take your other children to do something else. Or if you must stay, you amuse/play with your other children, even pay for your child to do something separately. But don’t muscle in on the party group.

Even asking the hosts permission is the height of bad manners, It just puts the host in an awkward position and like she can't really say no!

I wouldn't put on the invite "no siblings" because it may result in some not being able to attend. I have no choice but to take the sibling but I always ask if they could add an extra one and I will bank transfer the money (if it's not possible to just turn up and pay on the day). Also I take a packed lunch for the sibling, I would never expect them to join in the party food. If it turns out the sibling can be included in the whole party then I spend double on the present as there's two attending.

Just make it clear you are only paying for the child invited and say on the invite that they need to let you know and pay for any additional children (get the money up front).

Not talking about soft play parties - not the done thing where I am beyond age 4 and yes some parents stayed in cafe then. And by age 6 was definitely dropping and leaving.

None of this would be an issue where I am - party activities have to be booked months in advance and have restricted numbers (GoApe, Ninja Warriors, Gravity etc)

Its quite a simple concept that has been happening for years, you take your invited child to the party, you can even take your other children with you to do this, then you say goodbye little jonny enjoy your party, ill be back to collect you at 5. You then take your uninvited children back home with you and return at 5. Where is childcare needed?

My kids are 7 and 4. We get invited to a lot of parties (seem to be averaging at least 3 a month at the moment although we had two yesterday) and so far only one has offered drop and run...I tried to run but ended up drinking wine in the kitchen with the birthday girl's mum.

The favoured soft play venue around here expects parents to stay for ratios. The lazer tag and climbing wall place expects you to stay in the building and all the parties in people's homes have wine/snacks laid out for parents. Hoping this year will offer more opportunities for escape.

do you think most host's would feel comfortable telling CF's no they can't bring siblings? They shouldn't even ask!

I definitely wouldn't my ex took my son to a party at a soft play when he was 4. (Severely autistic) so couldn't be left anyway. He couldn't see where he was so went upstairs looking for him.

He was sat in his shirt and nappy. There was two lads not part of the party unbuttoning his shirt. They had taken his trousers off and chucked them down the slide. They claimed he had taken his own clothes off. A little girl at the party that knew him from nursery brought his pants back up for him. Never found his socks.

Why should ops son have people at his party that he didn't invite? Honestly I am taken aback be some of these responses. And why do you have no choice but to take your other uninvited child?

Asking if you can pay for your child to attend a public space is height of bad manners? What a sheltered life you lead.

I think it’s much worse to assume you can drop you five year old off and expect them to be supervised by an already stressed stranger without bothering to even ask.

Yes, I would definitely not send my 5yo to any swimming lessons where the parents couldn't watch. It only takes a couple of minutes to drown.

And WHATEVER the age of my child, I would be very, very wary of any party involving water, especially after the recent Windsor tragedy. I just don't think you can rely on the party mum/staff to supervise large groups of children adequately around hazards like this.

That's horrific I hope your ex said something to the parents of these awful mean boys that's brought a lump to my throat x

I'm not sure why you need to even mention anything.

You pay for ten kids in advance and that's it!

As I’ve stated before, as far as I’m aware, it’s not the done thing to leave my one and four year olds home alone so I can take my 5 year old to a party.

If a CF came along with extra children in tow and expected me to cater for them I just wouldn’t invite their child (who is actually friends with DC) next year. Harsh I am sure but CFs will keep doing it until they get pulled up on it or it starts to affect them

Also these CFs very likely went to parties without their parents when they were young so why are they now doing the opposite for their own children

Also I was brought up in a single parent household and not once did my siblings come to the parties I was invited to and vice versa. Hate when that excuse comes out as it makes it look like all single parents are CFs

I also have a severely autistic non verbal 12 year old who can't be left alone so I get where yoyr coming from ,but surelyvyou wouldnt expect both of your children to be able to attend the high cost activity party?
Horrifying though what those older boys did your son 😓