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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother comes back to UK once a year and is treated like the bloody messiah

132 replies

Peterbear · 07/08/2022 19:49

My brother has lived overseas for 20 years. He comes 'home' every summer and my mum,aunts and uncles clamor to see him (and his lovely kids). I can't help feeling hurt though that no one really bothers to visit me and my kids/make much effort and we're here all the time.
I spend a lot of time with my mum and increasingly help with admin and call/visit more often as she's getting older but I just feel so jealous (and childish) that brother (I.e first born and also Male which seems to trump everything in my family!) Gets such a huge welcome and is blatantly the favourite!
I end up feeling resentful every time he comes back. I do make an effort and conceal my feelings but it really bugs me.anyone else similar? I'm sure there's a massive element of sexism involved . Also annoyed at myself for letting it annoy me every bloomin year.

OP posts:
Wombat27A · 08/08/2022 12:11

SaintHelena · 08/08/2022 11:18

Did DM do a lot for her DM.
It seems a rule that the parents that did not have to help their parents, take things done for them for granted, whereas the parents who did exhaust themselves helping and caring for their own parents are very grateful for anything done for them.
In fact I think it can be the same wiht babysitting .... a DGM who babysits a lot, you find her DD/DS don't bother to offer for their own DCs.
These things just go under their radar I think (they also have to be a bit inconsiderate).

I think this might be right.

My DM is still moaning about her DM and how she moved to sheltered housing by my uncles and it was terrible. My take on this is that Duncles did a lot of heavy lifting and DM just can't see that...

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 08/08/2022 12:54

saraclara · 07/08/2022 23:35

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads do you have children? Can you imagine not being able to see one of them for four years?
If that had happened to me, I'd be absolutely ecstatic to see them at last. It's bizarre to resent your parent feeling that way.
If they weren't botheredI'ds think they were a pretty weird parent.

Yes I have have children, and I'd be devasted if I couldn't see them fir 4 years. But I'd also be appreciative of the one that looked after me daily!

cyclamenqueen · 08/08/2022 14:54

I get you , I am also muggins here whilst prodigal son swans in . I understand my dc are lucky to see my parents regularly etc I know and appreciate how hard it is for the children having to be ‘on show’ but honestly db and family really don’t try to understand the other side, how we can’t just have a weekend away or ignore family events etc . We always have to consider the extended family. How we are the ones coming out in the middle of the night if there is a fall or taking them to appointments . Apparently they are much better than expected and we all exaggerate . 🤔

they also spend a lot of time complaining that everything is so difficult here and so expensive ( we know) , for example they can’t understand why everything including things like taxis to airports can’t be arranged at an hours notice . They are just not used to not having staff who can just pick them up, drop them off , do their washing etc. who expects an 88 year old to do 16 ( not a typo) loads of washing in a week and never not once washes so much as a cup up.

life in this country baffles them, can’t we just take the afternoon off? Why do all telephone lines have options on them, why don’t parents have enough broadband for them to endlessly stream films. The teenagers will not without endless reminders wear seatbelts etc etc

sorry but it’s been quite a hard few weeks 😂

Mally100 · 08/08/2022 15:04

MmeMeursault · 08/08/2022 08:19

I'm glad that you all seem to be balanced about it but (and I mean this in the nicest possible way), how can you be so absolutely sure that there isn't any bitterness?

We are an extremely close family. Example, I found out we were due around 2 weeks after my dsis wedding date and she moved her wedding date to a few months later so that I would feel comfortable enough to attend- this after she had already confirmed alot for the date. When we are over, my siblings are always saying to their dc let Mally dc spend time with gran they hardly see her. There is honestly no bitterness here. We are very close to each other. We don't see them every year so if we do we usually go over Christmas and they arrange alot around us to fit our schedule. These examples are all of their own accord , nothing we ever ask for ourselves.

Gymnopedie · 08/08/2022 15:07

I don't think that how your brother is treated when he's here is the issue. PPs have explained why this is a reasonable thing to do. It's about how you are treated the rest of the time. Do they care about you, take an interest in you and your family's lives? Or do they take you for granted and expect you to do all the donkey work with little to no thanks?

strawberrymelon88 · 08/08/2022 15:33

I hope you read about the expat family that lives in Hong kong and most likely comes back once a year. Sadly, it did not happen for the mother who died on the plane in front of her children a few days ago. Please don't be envious of those who are away and make the effort to travel back home to see family. They don't have to, but they do because they miss you.

Helen Rhodes (pictured) traveled home to the UK with her husband Simon and their two children Nathan and Emma on August 5 after living in Tung Chung, Hong Kong for more than 15 years

A GoFundMe page was set up by Jayne Jeje to help the family with unexpected expenses and to “honor our dear friend Helen”. It has raised more than £10,000 so far.

Ms Jeje described how the family was ready to “start a new chapter” and Ms Rhodes looked forward to seeing her aging parents, who she had not seen since the pandemic began.

She wrote: “Helen and her family ended more than 15 years in Hong Kong to start a new chapter in their native UK.

“Helen was excited and nervous about the move but was looking forward to seeing her family back home as she had not seen her family or aging parents since the pandemic began. Unfortunately, she never saw her again.

She continued: “We remain in disbelief and in shock at the sudden death of our dearest friend Helen Rhodes, whose life touched many in Hong Kong and the UK.”

“On 5th August 2022. Helen died in her sleep on her flight from HK to UK. Helen was found unresponsive a few hours into the flight. Despite best efforts, Helen could not be revived. This all unfolded before her children. For the remaining 8 hours of the flight, Helen lay in her seat in a breathless sleep. Although this was extremely traumatizing for the family, everyone had time to tell her what they had to say. Needless to say, they are devastated. This loss is unimaginable. Helen was a devoted wife and mother. She was the glue that held her family together. After landing in Germany and the protocol that followed, Helen stayed in Frankfurt while her husband (Simon) and two small children (Nathan and Emma) had to travel on to the UK without her.

“Helen and her family ended a life in Hong Kong for over 15 years to start a new chapter in their native UK. Helen was excited and nervous about the move but was looking forward to seeing her family back home as she had not seen her family or her aging parents since the pandemic began. Unfortunately, she never saw her again.

“Helen was one of a kind, a gem. She was a midwife by trade and was always ready to offer advice and assistance to anyone who needed it. Helen loved to talk and quickly made friends. She was the pulse of her community in Tung Chung, Hong Kong. She couldn’t walk a few yards and not meet anyone she knew by name. She was an early member of a close-knit, diverse group called the Tung Chung Mums. Over 200 women who turned to her first when they had a medical question. Helen always made herself available to help others. She was smart, funny and generous with her time.

“Helen was sharp and creative. She ran her own business making amazing custom made bows and accessories. Helen took pride in everything she did and her bows were exquisite. This fundraiser is to honor this beautiful woman who was loved by so many, a dear friend who touched so many people. We can only hope that she knew how much she meant to us and that her void can never be filled. How this loss is so painful and surreal. The sadness we feel is paralyzing. Still, we feel lucky to have known her.”

Wombat27A · 08/08/2022 17:16

I do think there's an element of "showtime" with my in-laws too. They make a huge effort for BiL/SiL and then it takes days to recover, whereas we only see them on a "normal" day for a very short time.

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