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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother comes back to UK once a year and is treated like the bloody messiah

132 replies

Peterbear · 07/08/2022 19:49

My brother has lived overseas for 20 years. He comes 'home' every summer and my mum,aunts and uncles clamor to see him (and his lovely kids). I can't help feeling hurt though that no one really bothers to visit me and my kids/make much effort and we're here all the time.
I spend a lot of time with my mum and increasingly help with admin and call/visit more often as she's getting older but I just feel so jealous (and childish) that brother (I.e first born and also Male which seems to trump everything in my family!) Gets such a huge welcome and is blatantly the favourite!
I end up feeling resentful every time he comes back. I do make an effort and conceal my feelings but it really bugs me.anyone else similar? I'm sure there's a massive element of sexism involved . Also annoyed at myself for letting it annoy me every bloomin year.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 07/08/2022 20:39

After my DSis left home for uni, I could always tell when she was coming home for the weekend because DMum would do 'proper' food. (Roast chicken and all the trimmings)
Scarcity value, innit?
DMum is long gone now, but DSis and I get on great in spite of this.
Do YOU like your brother, OP? Try to hold onto that, if you do.

Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:41

We are like chalk and cheese in most ways but we do manage to enjoy each other's company and have a similar dark/stupid sense of humour.:)

OP posts:
Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:43

Ursulapandress - yes I hear you. That is indeed priceless. X

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 07/08/2022 20:45

We see this so often. One sister who lives locally does all the daily call ins, fetching, carrying, taking to appointments, shopping etc. The other sister who only live an hour away comes to stay once a year and its the second coming. It's almost as if you need to do less to manage parents expectations of you, then when you do the very bare minimum, such as visit, the red carpet is thrown under your feet!

gogohmm · 07/08/2022 20:45

I'm sure my brothers thought the same when I lived abroad. It's just when you live overseas you have to squeeze a full years worth of socialising into 2 weeks

99redballoonsgobyy · 07/08/2022 20:55

@Peterbear omg I could have written your post myself exactly the same with my older brother and me. Although my brother is still in the UK but a few hours drive away. He's always been the golden child, whilst I'm here caring for our elderly father who has dementia with absolutely no input or interest from db, not even a phone call to ask how dad is or how I'm coping caring for him, I've had some incredibly stressful times as you can imagine. Before Dad became as unwell as he is now it was always "my son this my son that" as though the sun shone out of his backside, it has always been incredibly hurtful and as though I'm invisible and I'm the one that is here and does everything for our parents. Brother just visits once a year for a couple of hours if he can be bothered and it's like a major event you'd think the queen was coming! I do think the child that sticks around and cares for parents is very much taken for granted. Dad would also give brothers dc money when he'd see them but mine would get nothing absolutely no idea why.

TokyoTen · 07/08/2022 20:57

I (f) used to come to the UK once a year to see family as I was working abroad for a few years. It's honestly a bit of a nightmare sometimes and you're well aware that some family members feel hard done by as other relatives make a fuss of you. I know some of you have mentioned ppl returning home and doing things differently but often that's prompted by parents/elderly relatives requesting something slightly different which I then had to try to arrange, sort of like "X is doing Y for us, but could you just try and do it so that..." sort of thing. You know it's going to be changed back, but I used to try - and you feel guilty a lot. I appreciate that doesn't help how you feel or your situation but there are 2 sides to it.

Crabwoman · 07/08/2022 21:00

My DB is home for two weeks and staying with me. I have seen him for about 4 hours since he's been back due to him being booked out.

He was in a bad mood this morning as he's tired of "14 days of being the entertainment", multiple meals out with family members, nights out with old friends etc. He is looking forward to a proper holiday apparently!!

I get it, due to blended families both DH and I are the 'stay at home' and 'prodigal child'. We share the burden of responsibility for one set of parents and also the guilt for not being there for another. Both are difficult tbh.

AlternativelyWired · 07/08/2022 21:02

Surely he's not the messiah? He's a very naughty boy!

Seriously though, what is it about sons that get this?

workwoes123 · 07/08/2022 21:05

I’m the one that lives away overseas, and I’ve produced the only grandchildren to boot 😂. Everything does revolve around us during our visits because we have two families to catch up with and only two weeks to do it in. It feels like we are on show the whole time🙄. Luckily my (only) sister and I are pretty close and we can chuckle about it, plus my parents aren’t at the stage of needing help. DH and his sister are close too and he readily acknowledges that she has been able to do so much more hands on stuff to help their ailing parents than he has.

i think a lot of it comes down to individual family dynamics.

Toosadtocomprehend · 07/08/2022 21:06

TBH if one of my children lived overseas and I only saw that child once a year I would be bursting with excitement! It doesn’t mean I love that child more .

Sellie555 · 07/08/2022 21:06

Omg exactly the same here! Bro and his family live in Dubai and come back once a year, I love them all dearly.

i do all the life admin and support for my parents who are in their 70’s. My bro and his wife make around £300k a year in Dubai but never have any money (as even on that money they live way beyond their means) and my mum is always saying ‘poor boy hasn’t got any money’ 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

when he had an affair several years ago and ended up in the position that his then wife was pregnant yet was having an affair with someone else , I was furious with my bro cos he said he didn’t love his wife anymore and I said ‘you don’t have sex with someone you don’t even like!!!!’. My mums reaction? ‘Well u know what his wife’s life, very damanding, so the poor boy probably felt he should continue sleeping with her’ 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

ThatsAllFolks · 07/08/2022 21:10

AlternativelyWired · 07/08/2022 21:02

Surely he's not the messiah? He's a very naughty boy!

Seriously though, what is it about sons that get this?

Lol was thinking the same. Good old Python

Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 21:17

Thanks for all the responses- seems to be a common theme (which makes me feel better?)- interesting to hear the other side of things too.x

OP posts:
BigChesterDraws · 07/08/2022 21:19

How do you think you’d be treated by him if you went to visit him once a year?

Panatone · 07/08/2022 21:21

This seems much more likely with sons tbh. Anecdotally, friends who have brothers are usually the ones who are doing the day to day care/ looking after parents as the age and need more support!
The males have usually buggered off!

Namenic · 07/08/2022 21:23

It’s probably hard on both sides - the person coming back can wish people didn’t make so much of a fuss and might want some chill out relaxing.

But I think it’s nice for the overseas sibling to be appreciative (verbally and financially) to the close-to-home sibling - especially if they are doing significant caring.

GooglyEyeballs · 07/08/2022 21:24

I have the same. My sibling lives on the states and she came home for Christmas once as a surprise and my parents sobbed hysterically. Even though they had seen her 4 months before and hadn't seen me in a year. No one sobbed when they saw me for the first time in a year! I am the least favourite though so what can you do 🙄

Wombat27A · 07/08/2022 21:25

My in-laws moved to live by us as it's cheaper than where Bil and Sil live, we sorted it all out but rarely get over the doorstep.

Bil & SiL came over and it was exactly like the 2nd coming. They were treated to several meals and apparently, PiL on good form!

My poor DH was left pretty upset but this all but it's been the same for subsequent visits and we're a bit more used to it now. Sucks tho.

WhatHaveIFound · 07/08/2022 21:25

Same situation here - sibling overseas for 10+ years. I went to visit my parents today and they spent the whole time telling me my sister's news. They also had a long list of job that needed doing the minute I walked in the door!

Musicalmistress · 07/08/2022 21:29

I feel you! Similar situation here although they're not home very often but it's also the regular chat when we meet family - what the abroad family are up to, the latest achievements of the teens/children & people hardly ever ask after us/our DC

TommySaid · 07/08/2022 21:31

YABU of course they’re going to fuss over him if they only see him once a year!

They’d do the same for you if it was the other way around.

I can guarantee that they give you just as much, if not more attention but it’s just spread out so you don’t notice it as much.

It’s like when it’s your DCs birthday.
You give them attention and love everyday but you make more of an obvious effort on their birthday to make them feel special.

diamondpony80 · 07/08/2022 21:37

If I only saw my son once a year I'd be clamoring to see him too! It wouldn't mean I loved any children that lived close by any less, but once a year must be very hard on your mum.

JudgeJ · 07/08/2022 21:38

He is looking forward to a proper holiday apparently!!

This was how we felt when we lived abroad, teaching, we were expected to parade the children for three school holidays and often for half terms too, when we decided to have a proper holiday one Easter some were not happy.

HRTQueen · 07/08/2022 21:40

My brother is the family favourite

my aunts literally go all silly around him now that is happening to my nephew and my ds. When my ds ate curry by scooping it up with his roti he received a round of applause 🙄 he doesn’t look it be he has Asian blood you can tell my aunts all agreed

myself and my sister are congratulated for having such wonderful sons