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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother comes back to UK once a year and is treated like the bloody messiah

132 replies

Peterbear · 07/08/2022 19:49

My brother has lived overseas for 20 years. He comes 'home' every summer and my mum,aunts and uncles clamor to see him (and his lovely kids). I can't help feeling hurt though that no one really bothers to visit me and my kids/make much effort and we're here all the time.
I spend a lot of time with my mum and increasingly help with admin and call/visit more often as she's getting older but I just feel so jealous (and childish) that brother (I.e first born and also Male which seems to trump everything in my family!) Gets such a huge welcome and is blatantly the favourite!
I end up feeling resentful every time he comes back. I do make an effort and conceal my feelings but it really bugs me.anyone else similar? I'm sure there's a massive element of sexism involved . Also annoyed at myself for letting it annoy me every bloomin year.

OP posts:
Stripsorspots · 07/08/2022 23:52

A friend of mine is the one who lives away. When she had her first trip home after Covid her brother who was doing all the work of looking after their mum took a break from caring for her and left it to his sister. I thought it was very fair.

Next time you know they're coming say you'll only overlap by a couple of days as you've sadly booked a holiday for that fortnight, can't cancel without being out of pocket, he can do the heavy lifting with your parents.

Wombat27A · 08/08/2022 06:24

MichelleScarn · 07/08/2022 23:14

Really? You're surprised that those who are handling the day to day drudgery of appointments, housework, shopping, general life management are pissed off when a sibling who isn't doing any of that appears and gets the fatted calf treatment, and your view is local sibling is lucky to be the drudge?

Show quote history

There's definitely some posters on here with the golden child blinkers on.

Just listened to an Annalisa Barbieri podcast on the sibling relationship. It was very interesting.

Had both sister & bil (not related) going on this week about how they're organising big holidays & why don't we go somewhere nice....

I can smell a bit of burning martyr about me & DH but frankly, they aren't being very thoughtful.

MmeMeursault · 08/08/2022 06:37

My DB lives abroad and is treated exactly like this. In addition to general messianic treatment, he's received a monthly allowance from my DM plus she's paid his rent for the last four years as he can't be arsed to get a proper job and pay his own way through life. He claims to have just joined a rock band.

He's 45 and has just taken citizenship of the EU country in which he lives.

I live 20 mins away and do all the grudge jobs. On the rare chance that DM picks up something from the supermarket herself for me, I get presented with the receipt and am expected to pay.

Yes, there's a lot of resentment.

I'm doing my best to distance myself from both of them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2022 06:39

He claims to have just joined a rock band.

He's 45

I am so sorry.

Darbs76 · 08/08/2022 06:48

If one of your children move overseas and you only see them once a year trust me you’ll be the same. It’s not because he’s male, it’s just what happens when people move abroad and as someone on the other side has said it’s not easy on the person visiting either trying to fit everyone in so not to upset them! It’s life. Your brother is probably jealous you get to spend so much time there

Thefruitbatdancer · 08/08/2022 06:52

Book a holiday while he's over visiting and grab some relaxation time for yourself.

2mumlife · 08/08/2022 07:11

Not even a different country, but yes, my brother is treated like the Messiah. It annoys the hell out of me

Paulineski · 08/08/2022 07:16

so now the Watch thread button has disappeared...

justfiveminutes · 08/08/2022 07:24

"Really? You're surprised that those who are handling the day to day drudgery of appointments, housework, shopping, general life management are pissed off when a sibling who isn't doing any of that appears and gets the fatted calf treatment, and your view is local sibling is lucky to be the drudge?"

Well no. If the thread was about being a drudge and not wanting to do it anymore, I'd be saying something a bit different.

But it is actually about parents who are very happy and excited to see a child who lives abroad and visits once a year, and their local child who resents that welcome.

What should the parents do? Welcome local child every week as if they haven't seen them for a year, so that they feel equally valued? Or greet the other child, the one they see annually, as if they pop in daily for a cuppa?

Surely people can look at their children and imagine how it feels to hug one of them after an entire year of phone calls only? I am absolutely desperate to hear my child's news, to sit around a table and chat. I want everyone to have a good time because it will be a year before I can do it again.

It is a different, closer relationship with my other children who I see more regularly. We do things together all the time. I babysit, I cook for them every week, I adore them and know about their lives. I would honestly hate to think that they resented the fact that I made a fuss of their brother in the one week I get to do it.

SaintHelena · 08/08/2022 07:25

I think elderly rellies assume you have the time to do all you do for them - no idea why, I spose it suits their own story that they are no trouble and you are happy doing it.
That's probably why the 'you need more support(ie care home) ' conversations are so hard.

SaintHelena · 08/08/2022 07:30

It is a different, closer relationship with my other children who I see more regularly. We do things together all the time. I babysit, I cook for them every week

I don't think that that is the relationship that OP has - plus aunts and uncles joining in.

justfiveminutes · 08/08/2022 07:34

I have actually always thought that the dc living abroad would be jealous of those siblings living nearer to home. Certainly we get lots of posts on mn from people living abroad and resentful of their siblings' relationship with parents living near their parents, who they feel get more help with children and so on.

I think I will ask my children about this so thank you for the interesting thread.

I do think that the issue of drudgery is separate though - if you resent doing things for your parents, don't do it. If you feel as if your efforts are taken for granted by them, have a conversation. That is what I would want my dc to do anyway. I would hate to think they were doing anything for me that they resented me for, and conversation clears up a lot of misunderstanding.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 08/08/2022 07:34

This is me except brother lives up north, makes next to no effort to keep in touch and visits twice a year - if mum and dad are lucky coz, you know, him and SIL are so so busy - and honestly it's like the bloody jubilee celebrations.

I'm just the mug that lives down the road and visit's weekly on top of taxi service for shopping, doctors appointments and ferrying to family get togethers.

It sucks Confused

shrodingersvaccine · 08/08/2022 07:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

shrodingersvaccine · 08/08/2022 07:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 08/08/2022 07:38

MsBallen · 07/08/2022 20:12

But you have said you spend a lot of time with your mum and live in the area whereas your brother sees them once a year with his kids. It makes sense people will make more of an effort to see them?

I think for me it's the feeling of everything you do all year round, constantly thinking of ways to get them out, arranging regular weekends for them to come to us for lovely long lunches (they've no car and mums depression - which she refuses to get help for... that's another exhausting issue - often means she wouldn't leave the house if I wasn't planning things for them - being taken for granted.

Then baby brother pops down for a papal visit and all their Christmases have come at once.

justfiveminutes · 08/08/2022 07:39

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 08/08/2022 07:34

This is me except brother lives up north, makes next to no effort to keep in touch and visits twice a year - if mum and dad are lucky coz, you know, him and SIL are so so busy - and honestly it's like the bloody jubilee celebrations.

I'm just the mug that lives down the road and visit's weekly on top of taxi service for shopping, doctors appointments and ferrying to family get togethers.

It sucks Confused

Do you get anything out of the relationship with your mum, or did you when she was more independent? If not, stop doing it. I wouldn't want to be a burden to resentful children, would you?

She is in a hard situation. She'll know it's rubbish that your brother visits so infrequently, and it will hurt her, but of course she will still be glad to see him and want to give him a nice welcome. What is the alternative? Being unwelcoming, so the visit is horrible and he visits even less?

justfiveminutes · 08/08/2022 07:42

"Then baby brother pops down for a papal visit and all their Christmases have come at once."

Are your parents not happy to see you? Don't they say thank you or that they love you?

It sounds like you do a lot for them. But genuinely interested, what more would you like from them in return to make you less resentful?

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 08/08/2022 07:46

Obviously I wouldn't expect that and I know it's hard and actually the alternative for me to think "stuff this" is they would struggle.

Acknowledgement that my regular, ongoing but less glamorous help is valued would make me feel better.

Also for my arse of a brother to occasionally check in with me to see what support from a distance he can provide would be nice.

I'm normally pretty assertive in all other areas of life but I do struggle here.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 08/08/2022 07:48

I sometimes get a thank you, often when I prompt it in some way Grin

But it's complicated and I know my brothers laziness is as much an issue of my feeling of invisibility.

It's a work in progress but I wanted to tell OP that yup - I get you

xJoyfulCalmWisdomx · 08/08/2022 07:51

Definitely sexist lens at play here.

My brother and I both live near our parents (now) but they have so much respect and admiration for him, he's really on a pedestal, but me, they need me to be emotional and mad. Only just realised how bad things are really but they insult me and then label me angry or sensitive when I react. Meanwhile they are hanging on my brother's every boring word. Our whole family of origin, eugh, it's a dysfunctional mess.

Notcreativeatall · 08/08/2022 07:58

I'm the sibling living abroad- just went back after 3 years -very different .. we spent all the time making the effort- travelling to see people etc being expected to be at my mum's beck and call. I made a huge effort to meet up with various members of my family - only to have my mum whinge /look sad that she never sees them (she never actually makes the effort) -
My mum probably talks about me and DS as if she worships us- but to em its just constant comparisons with her other grand kids.
One thing i would say is don't blame your sibling- I would love to have time to spend with my sibling one on one but my mum made this impossible

justfiveminutes · 08/08/2022 08:03

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 08/08/2022 07:48

I sometimes get a thank you, often when I prompt it in some way Grin

But it's complicated and I know my brothers laziness is as much an issue of my feeling of invisibility.

It's a work in progress but I wanted to tell OP that yup - I get you

It's a shame you feel unappreciated.

I adore all of my dc equally. But I miss the absent one like mad, and am so excited when they come home. I can't suppress it, and don't think I should have to, and I wouldn't be able to fake it (fake 'missing them') with my other dc who I see far more frequently.

But I do value and appreciate my local dc, adore them just as much, do things for them, know more about them, know their children better. I hope I do enough to communicate all of that but am going to check I think.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 08/08/2022 08:03

justfiveminutes · 08/08/2022 07:42

"Then baby brother pops down for a papal visit and all their Christmases have come at once."

Are your parents not happy to see you? Don't they say thank you or that they love you?

It sounds like you do a lot for them. But genuinely interested, what more would you like from them in return to make you less resentful?

I think in the case of my own family, it was the difference in enthusiasm that caused resentment. Aunt is visiting and it's 'Oh yeah thanks, we needed milk', but when mum was visiting they were all 'Oh we must buy the special biscuits, oh we must make sure to be in, X will be coming over that day'. It's the excited tone of voice, the look in the eyes - just general excitement and happiness which the resident child doesn't get and suspects they wouldn't even if they did move away.

So I think that being greeted (unprompted) with some of the same happiness and anticipation that the prodigal gets - that's what the resident child would like, just occasionally l.

Mally100 · 08/08/2022 08:09

We are the ones living abroad and it is a massive deal when we do visit. I'm glad our families are not bitter like some here. They get to see each other all the time, we are the ones missing out. My dc is spoilt with so much attention, but why not? They don't see the GPS at all.