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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother comes back to UK once a year and is treated like the bloody messiah

132 replies

Peterbear · 07/08/2022 19:49

My brother has lived overseas for 20 years. He comes 'home' every summer and my mum,aunts and uncles clamor to see him (and his lovely kids). I can't help feeling hurt though that no one really bothers to visit me and my kids/make much effort and we're here all the time.
I spend a lot of time with my mum and increasingly help with admin and call/visit more often as she's getting older but I just feel so jealous (and childish) that brother (I.e first born and also Male which seems to trump everything in my family!) Gets such a huge welcome and is blatantly the favourite!
I end up feeling resentful every time he comes back. I do make an effort and conceal my feelings but it really bugs me.anyone else similar? I'm sure there's a massive element of sexism involved . Also annoyed at myself for letting it annoy me every bloomin year.

OP posts:
GaraMedouar · 07/08/2022 20:02

Haha - not laughing at you but with you OP as I am in the same situation exactly - I feel your pain. My brother (older) returns like the prodigal son ! My mum is so excited when he comes back - he recently did after 3 years due to covid - normally it’d be once a year.
i just roll my eyes and think ah bless - when she’s giggling like a schoolgirl.
i think you have to step back from it really otherwise it’ll be so annoying. So I do now and just shrug and smile.

but i know when she’s older and needs support it’ll be me doing that as I live in the Uk not too far from her , and of course I will do so without a problem - my brother will just phone behind my the concerned son but be oh so busy ! 😁

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 07/08/2022 20:09

Yep!!!

Right there with you @

MsBallen · 07/08/2022 20:12

But you have said you spend a lot of time with your mum and live in the area whereas your brother sees them once a year with his kids. It makes sense people will make more of an effort to see them?

MichelleScarn · 07/08/2022 20:12

Why are you (and others!) doing this to yourself?
The way you are being treated is appalling, so.ok for the day to day drudgery and required tasks, but any thanks or gratitude is for the male who does bugger all?
Step back for a bit and see if wonder boy can actually fit the halo given by your DM.

Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:13

Thanks for your replies.x
sorry you're both in the same position but also kind of glad it's not just my family that are sooo infuriating. Maybe I need to be a tad more philosophical about it? :)

OP posts:
geogteach · 07/08/2022 20:14

Don't think it is just son's DH sister gets the same treatment when she visits ( once or twice a year from up north). We are supposed to drop everything when she announces she is coming ( no consultation). DH visits every week but that is insignificant when his sister announces a visit.

Springdaisy · 07/08/2022 20:16

I have a sister overseas and its exactly what you describe. I get along really well with her though and get very excited whenever she comes to visit, so i make a huge fuss too.
I think its normal that everyone reacts like that when they never see him and his family. They are trying to make up for all the time they didnt get to spend with him.
I dont think it has to do with him being male, they probably just miss him and they would miss you too if you were living abroad.

Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:16

Geogtach hmmm.....very irritating!

OP posts:
Frenzi · 07/08/2022 20:20

LOL. Exactly the same here but with me its the inlaws. I go round every other day to make sure they are getting food out of the freezer and are eating ok (their memories, particular MIL, are bad and they often forget. I do their online shopping with the once a week - mainly ready meal type of things so they don't have to remember to cook - just take it out the freezer. And every Sunday I go round to sort out the tablets.

Then home comes SIL for one month from NZ. Golden gir. She has changed everything. I am letting her get on with it and will just change it all back when she has buggered off again!

Willow351 · 07/08/2022 20:21

I’m on the other side of this as the one who returns once a year. It’s lovely but I would rather have the regular visits and admin. I get jealous of those normal experiences the rest of the family has together and find it difficult to miss out on everything and hear about it the rest of the year.

Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:24

Thanks for replies having a wry smile to myself .

OP posts:
ihatebojo · 07/08/2022 20:25

I am the one that lives abroad and I hate coming 'home' for this very reason. It's a whole lot of obligations, we call it the 'whistlestop cup of tea tour'. It is anything but a holiday and trying to cram everything and everyone into a visit is hard, especially with my DP trying to show me and the DC off to anyone who happens to be around. People get huffy if you don't see them, or spend enough time with them.

My Dsis and I laugh because all she ever hears about from DP is us, and all we every hear about is her (even though we are close and she tells me all of her news anyway).

It doesn't mean that they are the favourite at all. It just means that the visit means a lot. My parents like nothing more than us all being together, and so we do it when we can and the rest of the time we go back to our normal lives.

Honestly, I pick my battles in life and this isn't something I would choose to waste energy on. We are all trying our best.

Lovethemarsbars · 07/08/2022 20:29

I found the title funny. It is amusing to think of him coming home like the messiah. My children are still young but I would be very excited at one of them coming home from living abroad. It wouldn't be a reflection on how I felt about the others, just excitement to see the one who left.

If they treat you badly that's something that needs addressed but I think it is nice that they all get excited to see your brother once a year.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/08/2022 20:30

Is that you Prince William?

Oops no! Clearly it isn't.
😍

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/08/2022 20:33

I couldn't get rid of that inappropriate emoji above!

(This cheap wine is better than I thought)

Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:33

Hmmm.interesting stuff. I guess everyone's perspective/family history and sibling relationships are all very different (obviously). :)

OP posts:
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 07/08/2022 20:34

Yep!!

Right there with you @Peterbear

DBro came home from Oz for the first time in 4 years at Easter. You'd have thought he'd walked here! On the other hand I was with her when she got he cancer diagnosis, took her to her weekly chemos and other appointments; cared, cooked and cleaned for her, walked her dogs, am constantly dealing with her lost car keys, scam attempts, broken phone etc. Whilst working full time and with two young teen/preteens. I am happy to do this, I am sure she appreciates it, but I would be nice for her to say!

DBro rocks up after a 4 year absence (he was meant to come in April 2020!) and it's like he's Lord Lucan.

Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:34

🤣🤣

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 07/08/2022 20:35

Same here. Or was.

Brother been overseas for 40 years. Wafted home once a year. I lived close by.

But I held the hands of both my parents as they left this world and that is irreplaceable.

AnnaKorine · 07/08/2022 20:35

Yeah they should just be busy and refuse to see him the once a year he comes home. Surely this a natural reaction when you see a family member so little?

onlythreenow · 07/08/2022 20:35

You must have led a sheltered life OP. This happens all the time - and not just with sons. I know it must seem like a kick in the teeth, but as the family only see your brother once a year of course they are going to be excited and as others have mentioned you would get the same treatment if they rarely saw you.

Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:36

Laughing at Lord Lucan comment not cancer related ordeal obvs.xx

OP posts:
Laska2Meryls · 07/08/2022 20:37

We have one of those ( or he was in that position until sadly our lovely Mil died earlier this year) He is known- to his face- as 'Goldenballs'.😂...

Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:38

Onlythreenow - erm do you think you maybe need an early night??

OP posts:
Original poster
Peterbear · 07/08/2022 20:39

Laska that is exactly what I call my brother! Kind of fits :)

OP posts:
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