Brother comes back to UK once a year and is treated like the bloody messiah

[Peterbear]

My brother has lived overseas for 20 years. He comes 'home' every summer and my mum,aunts and uncles clamor to see him (and his lovely kids). I can't help feeling hurt though that no one really bothers to visit me and my kids/make much effort and we're here all the time.
I spend a lot of time with my mum and increasingly help with admin and call/visit more often as she's getting older but I just feel so jealous (and childish) that brother (I.e first born and also Male which seems to trump everything in my family!) Gets such a huge welcome and is blatantly the favourite!
I end up feeling resentful every time he comes back. I do make an effort and conceal my feelings but it really bugs me.anyone else similar? I'm sure there's a massive element of sexism involved . Also annoyed at myself for letting it annoy me every bloomin year.

"My mum probably talks about me and DS as if she worships us."

The parents I know only ever say nice things about their dc to the other siblings. I certainly would never complain about one to the others. Mostly because they're fantastic so there isn't much to complain about, but also because it's not fair.

So I do wonder whether those of you living nearby get fed up of hearing gushing praise for the one who moved away, and the one who moved away gets fed up of hearing gushing praise for those of you who stayed local.

Do less @Peterbear
I have read that if you have to choose between guilt for not doing everything you feel you 'should' be doing or resentment for doing everything you feel you should be doing, CHOOSE GUILT.

Iscream, that's a good explanation thank you.

So much bitterness on this thread, it's quite amazing.

So, I am wondering, for those of you who are feeling unhappy/frustrated/taken for granted, what could/would you have done differently to prevent these feelings? Would you change how you live your lives?

My parents moved abroad so when we "go home" it's anything but a holiday.

It's obligation after obligation after obligation. People get upset if you can't visit them this time, or can only stay for tea rather than overnight etc.

It's difficult. Yes, as a child I got a lot of attention from relatives but I barely had relationships with them otherwise. I'd rather have grown up knowing my cousins, aunts and grandparents 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep, i'm the distant relative and the bitterness in this thread is a bit weird to be honest.

My SIL has lived abroad for years and it's always very exciting for the family when her family comes to the UK. My BIL also lives several hours away from where he grew up and where my PIL live. They obviously get so excited when either of my DH's siblings visit and relatives do arrange to see them etc. It isn't showing a preference for them over my DH though. They're just making the most of a reasonably rare opportunity to see their son.

I guess we feel more confident that there is no favouritism as we too have had this 'special treatment' when visiting my DH's family before, when we too lived further away.

Don't you feel more excited to see someone for a catch up if it's been a while? Or more eager to connect with them as you know that you have a short amount of time to reinstate or bolster the bond between you before you go back to your seperate lives?

I'm glad that you all seem to be balanced about it but (and I mean this in the nicest possible way), how can you be so absolutely sure that there isn't any bitterness?

Don't understand some of the bitter thought processes on here at all. Of course people are more overtly excited to see a loved one they only see once a year more than they're excited to see one they see weekly, regardless of their gender.

If the home birds of the thread upped and moved away they'd also experience the excitement at their return, along with the draining experience of being shoved from pillar to post throughout.

I don't think it's sexist. I'm the daughter that lives overseas, and when I return home once a year, it's a huge deal for everyone - my parents and siblings are so happy to see me! I don't really understand your logic - your parents are lucky in that they get to see you all the time. You will have a closer relationship with them as a result, and they will feel happy in their hearts that they get to see their child so often. They only get to see your sibling once a year - that's really hard for a parent. I really don't get your issue. Enjoy the oodles of time you do get to spend with your parents!

Jeez, why shouldn't she change things? I have no idea why you are so bitter!

Well yes, but I recommend counselling for you - your take on this is not healthy and seems to be making you unhappy.

Yes, I’d agree. For nearly 25 years, I was the one visiting from abroad and struggling to deal with all the expectations and obligations on the annual visit, try to socialise a young child into behaving nicely with elderly relatives he only knew from Skype, dealing with siblings’ resentment I wasn’t there to be hands on with ageing parents etc.

I moved back home later on, and believe me, I’m so not the Messiah.

Get some palm fronds and wave them in front of him as he walks by. Ask if the donkey needs anything 😉

But why would you even do this? What would you be hoping to achieve beyond looking petty?

As a kid growing up, I lived on the same street as my grandmother (with my mum, her daughter) and two of my uncles. The third uncle on this particular side of the family lived about 20 miles away (so not exactly moved to New Zealand by way of distance) but he was the one that my grandmother went cockahoop over whenever he visited her. Even though she had 3 of her 4 children living on the same street and who would pop in for a quick visit almost daily.
It really annoyed my mother though.
It's not always the first born that is the 'Golden Child'. This uncle was the third born!

It's not bitterness. It's exasperation.

Honestly, it is just remarkably sad seeing my poor kind DH treated so badly.

We like his brother. We actually like his parents too. The issue is that it strongly comes across that it's not as fully reciprocated & that causes resentment. It is unfair & dbil has now noticed, it's that obvious.

My dsis has ironclad boundaries but they only seem to work one way, happy to ignore mine.

Thanks justfive.

So I think that being greeted (unprompted) with some of the same happiness and anticipation that the prodigal gets - that's what the resident child would like, just occasionally l.

//// This is very true. Something as simple as maybe occasionally call me (I always call) for a chat, ask about your granddaughter who is only down the road but always sits and chats with you, messages you unlike DGS up north who when he does visit is glued to his device. Instead of only ever calling/messaging to ask what time I'll be picking you up.

I'm aware as I read these posts back that the phrase Rod For Own Back plays a small part.

You could say that about most of MN ... you must get RSI typing that response on threads all day

But as most have acknowledged it's a work in progress unpicking and trying to change. Which takes time with a family relationship.

Were you born without a sense of humour or did you have it removed?

@figmaofmyimagination just don't find any humour in being nasty, obtuse or doing anything that contributes towards breeding contempt.

Did DM do a lot for her DM.
It seems a rule that the parents that did not have to help their parents, take things done for them for granted, whereas the parents who did exhaust themselves helping and caring for their own parents are very grateful for anything done for them.
In fact I think it can be the same wiht babysitting .... a DGM who babysits a lot, you find her DD/DS don't bother to offer for their own DCs.
These things just go under their radar I think (they also have to be a bit inconsiderate).

😂😂
I’ll leave you to your literal life then.