Brother comes back to UK once a year and is treated like the bloody messiah

[Peterbear]

My brother has lived overseas for 20 years. He comes 'home' every summer and my mum,aunts and uncles clamor to see him (and his lovely kids). I can't help feeling hurt though that no one really bothers to visit me and my kids/make much effort and we're here all the time.
I spend a lot of time with my mum and increasingly help with admin and call/visit more often as she's getting older but I just feel so jealous (and childish) that brother (I.e first born and also Male which seems to trump everything in my family!) Gets such a huge welcome and is blatantly the favourite!
I end up feeling resentful every time he comes back. I do make an effort and conceal my feelings but it really bugs me.anyone else similar? I'm sure there's a massive element of sexism involved . Also annoyed at myself for letting it annoy me every bloomin year.

My mother was the prodigal child - came 'home' with us every year to visit family. My aunt has previously stated a bit wistfully that she's always had to say 'No, I'm the one who stayed home' to friends of my grandparents who obviously found my mum's lifestyle far more memorable. I felt a bit bad for my aunt tbh, so I get you OP.

My mum definitely loved being the prodigal though, she was so self absorbed 😂

I could have written this myself OP!!! My brother doesn't come home too often but when he does... Wow!!!!

My dad arranges all sorts of days out, canal boat trips, zip lining, meals out etc and doesn't even ask me. And we live in the same village 😂

Exactly. It doesn't mean that the 'child' visiting is the golden child. It means that they are much missed, just as the home sibling would be if they were the one living abroad.

Anyone reading this who has two young/schoolage children is deluding themselves if they don't think that they'd behave in exactly the same way if they only see one of them for a week or two a year when they're adult. If either of my adult DD's only saw me once a year due to geography, of course I'd be massively pleased to see them each time. And I do not have a favourite child.
The remaining one would probably be driven mad if I treated them with the same amount of fuss all year round!

And OP. if you were the visiting sibling and got the same amount of attention in these two weeks as you get at the moment as the home one, I imagine you'd be pretty hurt that no-one was bothered abouut seeing you or excited that you were back.

I don't see that it's sexism or favouritism. It's just about missing the one who's away.

Same here.
We all have to sit around and wait for my brother to announce his plans and then we all fit round them. My mother acts like it's a royal visit.
As a child I was told I could "have x toy etc if <brother> doesn't want it" so I say at the dinner table "if <brother> doesn't want that potato, can I have it?"

My Bro lives the same distance as I do from parents but other side of my parents. His coming to see them was HUGE, because he never did, I see them lots, go on holiday with them and fix all sorts of stuff, he is the baby of the family at 50, given all sorts of Oh poor baby, he’s got XYZ issues so can’t come/do etc. he’s told me he’s not interested and doesn’t know why I bother with them. Mum realised about five years ago and doesn’t bother inviting him, he’s now wondering why. It’s a bit odd but totally brilliant parents have finally seen through it.

I do 'get' the son worship @Peterbear and many women have experienced it. Their brother (the son!) never doing a damn thing wrong, ever, and never doing shag-all to help the parents. He just take take takes, and never gives, but is worshipped. Whilst the daughter does loads for the parents, runs them about, does home admin, and household chores for them etc, and gets no thanks.

But your example is not very good, because as some posters have said, of COURSE your parents and aunts and uncles etc are going to be clamouring over him, if he lives abroad and only comes in the summer to visit for a few weeks. I'd be surprised if they didn't do that to be honest.

If he is generally worshipped then that is annoying but, as has been said, this is very common sadly. And it IS steeped in sexism. And the mothers are worse than the fathers for worshipping sons IMO and IME. And as I said, they can do no wrong, and it's like the sun shines out of their arse, even though they do nothing to deserve the adulation, except exist.

@Laska2Meryls you are a bit politer than we are - my sister and I refer to Dbro as Golden Bollocks!

Where does he live @Peterbear is it much warmer than here?
you are DEFINITELY NBU!

so if one of your kids was only home once a year you wouldnt make a fuss

its eatural isnt it

I live abroad and my family treat me as special when I visit. They can be quite suffocating and overwhelming to be honest. Very need of my time. It is a bit exhausting managing your families feelings when you have moved away in order to just live your own life. Of course it's a different dynamic to my siblings who live near. They are safe in the knowledge they can see them any time. I think nothing beats that relationship. That's the true close relationship and it can't happen when you move away. If you moved you would be treat like the prodigal son. Suck it up I say.

Well I have four dc in their 20s and one of them lives abroad. Of course I make a fuss when he comes home - I only see him once a year. I miss him like mad and want to know everything and spend as much time as possible with him. It is a different visit to those I get from my other dc because there is a lot to pack into a short space of time, and I try to make it 'perfect' because it will be 12 months before I get to do it again.

I love my other dc as much, and love spending time with them, but it is entirely different. I'd hate to think that they are jealous or feel as if I am too welcoming. I don't think they do as they are usually as excited as me, but this thread has made me wonder.

My father and his wife have not lived in England since 1980 ish (bar a couple of years when he came and got free HE for his oldest son). When they come back (and I'm not even sure why), they do expect everyone to be pleased to see them and dance to their tune.

He does have a brother who stayed closer to their parents/mother and he and his wife and one or two of their daughters helped to take care of her (basically fit and well until she almost literally dropped dead one Christmas). He complained about what her funeral might cost him and contributed nothing. He is also too mean to pay for an hotel, so says with his brother, but privately complains that they "don't want us there".
(They have wildly differing religious beliefs - Atheist/Mormon.)
He does reciprocate the hospitality - to a select few - but does want a contribution for housekeeping - and apparently asked that my brother not use too much of the "It's expensive you know" maple syrup. He lives in Canada.

And is a millionaire.

I refer to him as the International Man of Mystery.

I'm actually surprised that those who can visit their parents any time they want to are so upset when their siblings return from abroad and are given 'special treatment.' There are benefits to living nearby - a closer relationship probably, opportunities to do things together, lots of little points of contact, help with childcare and so on. I have always thought that those living abroad must be a bit sad that they're missing out on that. It seems that siblings never really grow out of rivalry.

Australia treated COVID and international travel very differently to most other countries, even the individual states and terrorities had road blocks to stop people from going across internal borders.

Certainly not of his doing that he couldn't leave.. or be sure to be able to go back either.

his brother, not MY brother.....

Really? You're surprised that those who are handling the day to day drudgery of appointments, housework, shopping, general life management are pissed off when a sibling who isn't doing any of that appears and gets the fatted calf treatment, and your view is local sibling is lucky to be the drudge?

Margaret Thatcher was like this with her kids

poor Carol xx

It’s like this with BIL & nephew in my family (and my Dad, too). They are gods in the eyes of my mother, and must be worshipped. All plans are made around them, and my sister.

Me, DH & DS are the poor relations!

Exactly the same for me too. DB comes ‘home’ from down south about three times a year and goes on outings and meals etc and I live in same village and don’t do these thinks.
when we are together I have to bite me tongue because the jealous rivalry thing seems to be not too far off

I feel your pain OP.

I have it with my sister, no idea if she is jealous, or what.

I feel done with it. It hurts though.

Really? You're surprised that those who are handling the day to day drudgery of appointments, housework, shopping, general life management are pissed off when a sibling who isn't doing any of that appears and gets the fatted calf treatment, and your view is local sibling is lucky to be the drudge?

The flip side of that is often baby-sitting, family support, company, sharing the load and other stuff family does. You get to be there for weddings, birthdays, fun stuff. Grandparents at the school play, fetes, treats for the kids.

Otherwise, why doesn't everyone just emigrate?

Plus, Mum (and Dad) daren’t actually ask what their plans are. We all must wait until they kindly bestow the info. They’re far too busy & important to be asked...

Why don't you suggest meals out and outings with your parents? My kids both live about half an hour away and suggest meet ups and outings. Invitations don't have to be only one way.

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads do you have children? Can you imagine not being able to see one of them for four years?
If that had happened to me, I'd be absolutely ecstatic to see them at last. It's bizarre to resent your parent feeling that way.
If they weren't botheredI'ds think they were a pretty weird parent.

Mine has been estranged from us since he went abroad ten years ago (evil wife). When my Dad died a month ago, all anyone could talk about was if he would come back for the funeral, how he must feeling etc. I don't give a shit thank you!!!