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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is marrying - is it a mistake?

142 replies

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 13:47

Friend met someone on a dating app during lockdown
She was keen to get married and settle down
He was still married but going through a divorce - he was 'taking his wife to the cleaners' financially which resulted in a longer process.

He was still on the dating app a year after they were dating - another friend told her and he said 'he forgot to delete the app'. I personally think he was still using it.

He suffers from mental health issues so subsequently comes across as 'odd' when you meet them together (her excuse for him - when he blatantly does not make eye contact and rolls his eyes when anyone talks). He has broken a few phones throwing them against walls due to his mental health issues. She had a new puppy when they met and he used to sulk that most of her attention was on the puppy during coffee dates.

I have said nothing but just supported her.
She is a wealthy professional woman who sold her flat and got loads of £ for it - she bought a house with him for over £750k and he is now living in it - 8/9 months after they initially met. She put down the entire deposit and pays more of the mortage as and he earns significantly less than her (She earns about 150k, he is on about 20k).

She was showing me around the property and showed me the 'man cave' she built for him. With his computer game console etc. She made his man cave prior to any other decoration of the property so he feels at home.

He got his divorced finalised last autumn - they were engaged the next week. Wedding is this weekend and I am dreading it. I just feel almost like a shit friend - I feel this situation has multiple red flags and everyone including myself is ignoring the elephant in the room that this could be a total disaster based on the red flags as above.

Please be honest with the best way to deal with this

YABU - this is clearly the love of her life and you are just a cynical old hag
YANBU - this guy has more red flags than the soviets and you could say something before its too late

(We are early 40s - no children involved)

OP posts:
ilyx · 07/08/2022 13:50

YANBU. What on earth does she see in him?!

ilyx · 07/08/2022 13:50

What job does she do? Do you think he’s just with her for money? How old are they both?

Genegenieee · 07/08/2022 13:53

YANBU ! The puppy thing is significant and treatment of her friends (eye rolling)

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 13:54

ilyx · 07/08/2022 13:50

What job does she do? Do you think he’s just with her for money? How old are they both?

She is private consultant
Early 40s

My sister feels he is only with her for money - I am not entirely sure in all honesty

I would love to know what his ex wives story is in all honesty. Although obviously would never contact her.

OP posts:
HipsterCoffeeShop · 07/08/2022 13:56

She won't thank you, but I would say something. But be gentle about it.

He sounds awful and your friend is seemingly desperate for a man because most women would run a mile at this selfish lazy rude specimen.

Cakecakecheese · 07/08/2022 13:57

She should ask him to sign a pre- nup and see how he reacts.

He's definitely no good but if you did tell her I can't see her listening.

Carofay · 07/08/2022 14:00

Impossible to know what she sees in him but it's her choice. She is of sound mind and will have to face the consequences if it doesn't work out. Stay out of it unless you are asked for advice.

AchatAVendre · 07/08/2022 14:00

What on earth is she thinking? And what has he got going for him? Is he incredibly good looking? Maybe stands to inherit a lot of money? A master manipulator type like the Tinder Swindler?

Is she a doctor type of consultant? Quite a few of my friends who are doctors have really struggled to find men for some reason, I think they can be quite bossy and not very spontaneous. Of course your friend might be absolutely lovely and I have no idea really.

GrandSlamFinalee · 07/08/2022 14:00

I have said nothing but just supported her.

Why?

I get you're trying to be supportive, I would too, but she needs to hear the truth. You're her friend, she deserves you being honest about it.

Georgeskitchen · 07/08/2022 14:01

Reading your post, it seems as if she is setting herself up for a life of misery. Is the new house in joint names? Have you told her of yoir misgivings? If it was me I would have to say something to her x

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/08/2022 14:01

She sounds so in need of love and affection that she's literally blinded by it. Hope his name isn't on the house if she's paying for it he's a cocklodger. I feel for you op but in this instance I would tell her as a friend what this looks like to an outsider I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. It will be the end of the friendship probably but at least you've tried.

He will divorce her soon enough and go for the house as sad as that sounds it's probably true. You will just have to either distance yourself from it all and watch it unravel from afar or get caught up in the drama that will now be her marriage.
You need to think of yourself and this situation will become very draining for you after a while and you will eventually distance yourself out of necessity.

Jalisco · 07/08/2022 14:03

Neither.

I think you are probably right. But saying something will not stop her. If she cannot see what you see, telling her won't open her eyes. But it will very probably break the friendship. Nobody, absolutely nobody, on the verge of their wedding, will hear that they are about to make a mistake.

When I got married many, many years ago, the celebrant was one of my closest friends. When I divorced him three years later, he told me that he had never seen what I saw in him, and couldn't understand why I married him. I asked why he hadn't said something. He said that I wouldn't have heard what he said. Point taken. I wouldn't. If I had thought my husband to be was a two-timing, shiftless idiot, I wouldn't have been marrying him!

I would stick by my friend. Yes go to the wedding. And be there for her when it falls apart. If you really are a friend, that's what friends do. And if you are very lucky, it won't fall apart. Perhaps what you expect from a husband and what she wants from one are different things, and this is her compromise. If so she might be very happy. I doubt it - but equally none of us can say for sure.

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 14:04

Georgeskitchen · 07/08/2022 14:01

Reading your post, it seems as if she is setting herself up for a life of misery. Is the new house in joint names? Have you told her of yoir misgivings? If it was me I would have to say something to her x

When she told me she was buying a house with him - I told her to speak to a lawyer.
She also said that she knew people would think she was mad.

OP posts:
Geranium1984 · 07/08/2022 14:10

Whhhaaaat on earth does she see in him ?!
Really difficult but I think you'll need to go light touch and perhaps ask about a pre nup given his meager contribution to their house and how the recent divorce turned out 🥴

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 14:10

AchatAVendre · 07/08/2022 14:00

What on earth is she thinking? And what has he got going for him? Is he incredibly good looking? Maybe stands to inherit a lot of money? A master manipulator type like the Tinder Swindler?

Is she a doctor type of consultant? Quite a few of my friends who are doctors have really struggled to find men for some reason, I think they can be quite bossy and not very spontaneous. Of course your friend might be absolutely lovely and I have no idea really.

IT consultant. All private work.

Most of my friends who are Medical Drs have struggled to find love too (especially the female surgeons). I think Men just do not find a woman who is that bit more intelligent than them (with the percieved status of 'Dr) attractive if I am honest. That is my perception, I could be wrong and I do not want to open up a can of worms as I know also many Drs who did find loving partners and have amazing marriages. One of my surgeon friends is hilarious - I mean tears streaming down your face stand up comedy hilarious. She looks like a famous actress - stunning woman. I have known her since Uni so I know her really well and she just gave up with love in her early 30s. She now owns several properties abroad and in the UK and lives the life of luxury.

OP posts:
berksandbeyond · 07/08/2022 14:10

It's a bit late to say something now when the wedding is this weekend!
You should have said something ages ago

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 14:12

berksandbeyond · 07/08/2022 14:10

It's a bit late to say something now when the wedding is this weekend!
You should have said something ages ago

I think you are right
🥺

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 07/08/2022 14:13

He's clearly at best lazy and unmotivated and at worst an outright cocklodger.

TBH I'm afraid saying anything at this point is probably going to be counterproductive. People who are "in love" and hell bent on going through with something will interpret any attempt to convince them of the error of their ways as jealousy or sabotage. You will almost certainly be dropped or sidelined.

That said, I think you probably do have an obligation to say something. No one will ever acknowledge to your fact that they are about to make a huge mistake, but at some level it will percolate in.

I would sit her down once and say to her in a calm way that what she is doing is incredibly financially risky and you recommend if she is going to do it that she at a minimum take legal advice because she is putting herself in a dangerous position. Don't do anything to bruise her ego: don't tell her he's only out for her money or he doesn't love her, because that will only put you in the "enemy" camp. Keep it factual and sympathetic.

Beyond that, there's not a lot you can do except just be there for her when it all unravels (which is certainly will).

AchatAVendre · 07/08/2022 14:13

There will be no talking sense into her. Maybe suggest watching the Tinder Swindler on Netflix, but in an unrelated way because its entertaining, and see if anything sticks.

SpiderVersed · 07/08/2022 14:16

There’s no use in talking to her, just be ready to support her should it all go tits up.

burnoutbabe · 07/08/2022 14:19

if your male doctor friend was marrying someone who worked full time but maybe in a shop (so earned around 20k) would you say he should not marry her as she is a cock lodger- especially if the plan is to have kids soon and she be a full time mum?

So i'd just assume she knows her own mind and he adds something to her life that she wants.

if they have no kids, and divorce quickly, she won't lose all her assets (assuming no pre-nup which she may have done and not mentioned it) as its a short marriage.

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 14:20

When married is the spouse entitled to pension if you divorce?

She has done exceptionally well professional and she told me she would have 'reached her pension limit' in her late 40s.

🫣

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 07/08/2022 14:21

Yanbu

ManateeFair · 07/08/2022 14:22

She’s insane to be marrying this complete bell end, but also there’s nothing you can do about it. She can’t have missed the red flags, and has apparently decided to turn a blind eye to them. It’s hard to watch a good friend make a mistake like this (I’ve been there with a friend of mine) but I honestly doubt there’s anything you can do other than be there for her.

Testina · 07/08/2022 14:25

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 14:20

When married is the spouse entitled to pension if you divorce?

She has done exceptionally well professional and she told me she would have 'reached her pension limit' in her late 40s.

🫣

A week away from the wedding, what is the point of us answering? Seriously - you sat back and watched the car crash, so your only action left now is to pick up the scattered pieces.

The answer is yes in England & Wales. What use is that knowledge to you?

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