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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is marrying - is it a mistake?

142 replies

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 13:47

Friend met someone on a dating app during lockdown
She was keen to get married and settle down
He was still married but going through a divorce - he was 'taking his wife to the cleaners' financially which resulted in a longer process.

He was still on the dating app a year after they were dating - another friend told her and he said 'he forgot to delete the app'. I personally think he was still using it.

He suffers from mental health issues so subsequently comes across as 'odd' when you meet them together (her excuse for him - when he blatantly does not make eye contact and rolls his eyes when anyone talks). He has broken a few phones throwing them against walls due to his mental health issues. She had a new puppy when they met and he used to sulk that most of her attention was on the puppy during coffee dates.

I have said nothing but just supported her.
She is a wealthy professional woman who sold her flat and got loads of £ for it - she bought a house with him for over £750k and he is now living in it - 8/9 months after they initially met. She put down the entire deposit and pays more of the mortage as and he earns significantly less than her (She earns about 150k, he is on about 20k).

She was showing me around the property and showed me the 'man cave' she built for him. With his computer game console etc. She made his man cave prior to any other decoration of the property so he feels at home.

He got his divorced finalised last autumn - they were engaged the next week. Wedding is this weekend and I am dreading it. I just feel almost like a shit friend - I feel this situation has multiple red flags and everyone including myself is ignoring the elephant in the room that this could be a total disaster based on the red flags as above.

Please be honest with the best way to deal with this

YABU - this is clearly the love of her life and you are just a cynical old hag
YANBU - this guy has more red flags than the soviets and you could say something before its too late

(We are early 40s - no children involved)

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 07/08/2022 14:26

Any man who talks about taking his ex wife “to the cleaners” financially is to be avoided, particularly if he throws phones around during arguments and is jealous of a pet.

Testina · 07/08/2022 14:26

On the bright side, she can afford to bake expensive mistakes.

Mally100 · 07/08/2022 14:27

She is desperate and it shines through. There's nothing you could say, because she is determined. Unfortunately it's going to be her mistake to make.

MsBallen · 07/08/2022 14:29

Sorry but as a friend you need to be honest before she Marries him. Even if she still chooses to at least she knows. My friend got married to someone i don't like even though she knows a lot of people don't like him but she knows my feelings about him so it's not false.

She knows when she rants about him to me I'm going to be very honest about how much I don't like him.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/08/2022 14:34

He was still married but going through a divorce - he was 'taking his wife to the cleaners' financially which resulted in a longer process.

And then got engaged to your friend a week after he'd finished taking his previous wife to the cleaners ...

I wonder what he sees in a woman on 7 x his salary who pays his mortgage for him?

You have GOT to say something OP. If she marries him, she can kiss goodbye to half her assets. After all - he has form for rinsing his exes. I don't know how many years a marriage needs to last before all assets are considered 50/50 - but bet HE does.

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 14:35

It's too late to say anything now. Just trust she isn't an idiot and knows what she is doing

KettrickenSmiled · 07/08/2022 14:35

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/08/2022 14:01

She sounds so in need of love and affection that she's literally blinded by it. Hope his name isn't on the house if she's paying for it he's a cocklodger. I feel for you op but in this instance I would tell her as a friend what this looks like to an outsider I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. It will be the end of the friendship probably but at least you've tried.

He will divorce her soon enough and go for the house as sad as that sounds it's probably true. You will just have to either distance yourself from it all and watch it unravel from afar or get caught up in the drama that will now be her marriage.
You need to think of yourself and this situation will become very draining for you after a while and you will eventually distance yourself out of necessity.

With friends like @Inthesameboatatmo, who needs enemies?

ChampagneLassie · 07/08/2022 14:39

Hp) ow do these useless sounding men get multiple wealthy women???? Anyways I think a bit late for suggesting she doesn't marry but why not suggest a prenup and her ring fencing assets? Basically strongly recommend she gets legal advice ASAP due to wealth & earning differences

Ellie56 · 07/08/2022 14:40

Eek @Ilovemycat1 !

I think you do need to say something about what it looks like from the outside and quickly, before as PP said she is in a position where he is taking her to the cleaners too.

Or if she won't call off the wedding, to at least see a solicitor about legally ringfencing her assets / drawing up a pre-nup agreement or whatever it takes to protect herself.

chilliesandspices · 07/08/2022 14:41

I think it's too late to talk her out of it. The wedding is next weekend. Just be there for her if it turns out to be a mistake. Yes, he could go after her pension but hopefully if it's a mistake, it will be a short marriage and he won't get 50:50 from the assets.

Ladyof2022 · 07/08/2022 14:42

YA and YAN BU.

This man is a walking disaster and that fact that your friend can't see that is a measurement of how desperate she became to get a man, any man.

You are correct BUT it's too late now.

You said you wanted us to be honest and to be honest you should have started warning her long ago.

Now she's invested so deeply emotionally and financially there is no way she is going to pull out no matter WHAT you say now.

However, you should still say it, because you can see it. Just don't expect her to pull the plug on him at this late stage.

Your friend will be on the Relationships board in 2 yrs time with her tale of woe and MNetters will be advising her on how to escape.

Midlifemusings · 07/08/2022 14:44

There are many many men who have bought and paid for a house that their girlfriend, fiancee, wife moved into. It isn't unusual at all for the high earning partner to pay for most costs. If you read other threads on here, it is generally expected that the high earning partner will fund the low earning partner's life. And it is usually seen as the price you pay for marriage when the low earner or non worker gets assets in a divorce. That has been happening for decades.

You aren't marrying him - she is. Women are capable, competent humans with agency to make good and bad decisions just like men. This is her choice, this is who and what she wants right now, this is her decision. She is able to weight the pros and cons and to decide what she wants to do.

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 14:45

ChampagneLassie · 07/08/2022 14:39

Hp) ow do these useless sounding men get multiple wealthy women???? Anyways I think a bit late for suggesting she doesn't marry but why not suggest a prenup and her ring fencing assets? Basically strongly recommend she gets legal advice ASAP due to wealth & earning differences

I really have no idea but I have heard of several occasions of this happening.

I think the reasons are more complex than 'just being an idiot'. Socialisation, patriachy, biology. I am not sure what the answer is.

More recently I knew of a beautiful and bright woman - professional. She met a guy who lived with his parents and worked in a shoe shop. He was a few years younger than her. They married after six months - she got him into the gym and paid off his debts. He started a professional qualification which she paid for. She built him from the ground up. He left her at the top of his game - taking 1/2 her assets. I was utterly shocked.

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 07/08/2022 14:47

KettrickenSmiled · 07/08/2022 14:35

With friends like @Inthesameboatatmo, who needs enemies?

Show quote history

@
KettrickenSmiled.

How so ? An enemy would let the friend walk into this all without saying anything. And friends that bang on constantly about their partners glaringly obvious red flags are very tedious indeed and sometimes even the best friends in the world will need to step away for their own sanity.

Twizbe · 07/08/2022 14:48

It sounds like she just wanted to be married and doesn't really care to who.

Sadly I too think she's making a huge mistake and he'll either divorce her or have multiple affairs over the years.

It's not likely she'll call off the wedding though, even if she's starting to see the flags.

bloodyunicorns · 07/08/2022 14:49

YANBU. Christ on a bike, he sounds awful and she sounds desperate. But if you say anything to her, you might lose her as a friend..,

burnoutbabe · 07/08/2022 14:50

any pre-nup would need to be done a few months before a wedding, with appropriate advice on both sides. so its too late to get one done a week before the wedding. you;d have to call it off to get one done and be upheld (i know they are not 100% legally binding but for adults without kids they are probably mostly upheld unless blantantly unfair or if circs change - ie someone becomes unable to work or kids come along)

Adversity · 07/08/2022 14:52

I have had a few friends who have married wankers. I told two of them, one dropped me as a friend. The other disagreed but I value her so never mentioned it again, a decade later they divorced. At one point he asked her if he could sleep with other women because he had a higher sex drive, she also had a letter form an anonymous woman saying they had an affair but she just believed him when he said the woman was lying. Her relationship with her adult child is destroyed due to this idiot. I gave up by then and have said nothing to the third. Even DH didn’t like the situations and commented and he is the calmest, least judgemental person I have ever met. Even DS who was about 12 at the time could see through the last one.

I am always amazed at how unbelievably dumb allegedly intelligent women can be when it comes to situations like this. The last two are like your friend and very wealthy. I think they are grateful anyone can profess to love them. Being wealthy and academically intelligent has nothing to do with self esteem I guess.

Tohaveandtohold · 07/08/2022 14:52

There can’t be any talking sense into her at this point. Someone in my church also did something similar, for her, she went to an African country on holiday for 2 weeks and when she came back, she told us she met this guy and a month later, they were engaged and she went back and got married to him last month (all this was within 6 months). The guy has absolutely nothing going on for him and we tried to tell her to take things slowly because it just looked like someone wanting to marry her for visa.
She’s normally very sensible, good job, she’s 39 and it just seemed as if since lock down, she’s just felt too lonely and kept dating something has to change. she’s currently helping him to apply for a spouse visa.
It’s all done now but there really was no talking to her. I really pray I’m wrong though and he turns out to be a good person because It just doesn’t feel like it

FloydPepper · 07/08/2022 14:53

Midlifemusings · 07/08/2022 14:44

There are many many men who have bought and paid for a house that their girlfriend, fiancee, wife moved into. It isn't unusual at all for the high earning partner to pay for most costs. If you read other threads on here, it is generally expected that the high earning partner will fund the low earning partner's life. And it is usually seen as the price you pay for marriage when the low earner or non worker gets assets in a divorce. That has been happening for decades.

You aren't marrying him - she is. Women are capable, competent humans with agency to make good and bad decisions just like men. This is her choice, this is who and what she wants right now, this is her decision. She is able to weight the pros and cons and to decide what she wants to do.

Yes but those are higher earning men so should pay their way

she’s a higher earning woman so paying more is unfair

also seen posts on here recommended the woman retakes the man “to the cleaners”, which is somehow ok but in a man it’s a sign he’s an arse?

I actually don’t disagree with a lot of posts saying this isn’t great and she should protect herself.

Yabado · 07/08/2022 14:55

Well as they say history repeats itself
so in a few years he will be taking her to the cleaners

she won’t listen to you
you are wasting your time

Stravaig · 07/08/2022 14:57

You've left it insanely late, but you could still talk to her, in case she also has doubts, but doesn't know how to stop the wedding juggernaught.

Otherwise, just wait to pick up the pieces, when they inevitably split and he takes your friend to the cleaners too.

And don't ever say 'I told you so' - because you didn't tell her.

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 14:57

Tohaveandtohold · 07/08/2022 14:52

There can’t be any talking sense into her at this point. Someone in my church also did something similar, for her, she went to an African country on holiday for 2 weeks and when she came back, she told us she met this guy and a month later, they were engaged and she went back and got married to him last month (all this was within 6 months). The guy has absolutely nothing going on for him and we tried to tell her to take things slowly because it just looked like someone wanting to marry her for visa.
She’s normally very sensible, good job, she’s 39 and it just seemed as if since lock down, she’s just felt too lonely and kept dating something has to change. she’s currently helping him to apply for a spouse visa.
It’s all done now but there really was no talking to her. I really pray I’m wrong though and he turns out to be a good person because It just doesn’t feel like it

Prayers to her

Its not easy

OP posts:
sst1234 · 07/08/2022 14:58

You can’t reason with stupid. She will learn the hard way.

Testina · 07/08/2022 15:03

@Ilovemycat1 “I think the reasons are more complex than 'just being an idiot'. Socialisation, patriachy, biology”

See when she bought that puppy? That puppy brought no money into the equation, and cost her a lot. All she’s doing now is buying something else that she can afford.