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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is marrying - is it a mistake?

142 replies

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 13:47

Friend met someone on a dating app during lockdown
She was keen to get married and settle down
He was still married but going through a divorce - he was 'taking his wife to the cleaners' financially which resulted in a longer process.

He was still on the dating app a year after they were dating - another friend told her and he said 'he forgot to delete the app'. I personally think he was still using it.

He suffers from mental health issues so subsequently comes across as 'odd' when you meet them together (her excuse for him - when he blatantly does not make eye contact and rolls his eyes when anyone talks). He has broken a few phones throwing them against walls due to his mental health issues. She had a new puppy when they met and he used to sulk that most of her attention was on the puppy during coffee dates.

I have said nothing but just supported her.
She is a wealthy professional woman who sold her flat and got loads of £ for it - she bought a house with him for over £750k and he is now living in it - 8/9 months after they initially met. She put down the entire deposit and pays more of the mortage as and he earns significantly less than her (She earns about 150k, he is on about 20k).

She was showing me around the property and showed me the 'man cave' she built for him. With his computer game console etc. She made his man cave prior to any other decoration of the property so he feels at home.

He got his divorced finalised last autumn - they were engaged the next week. Wedding is this weekend and I am dreading it. I just feel almost like a shit friend - I feel this situation has multiple red flags and everyone including myself is ignoring the elephant in the room that this could be a total disaster based on the red flags as above.

Please be honest with the best way to deal with this

YABU - this is clearly the love of her life and you are just a cynical old hag
YANBU - this guy has more red flags than the soviets and you could say something before its too late

(We are early 40s - no children involved)

OP posts:
Trying20 · 07/08/2022 16:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

nomarmaladeplease · 07/08/2022 16:05

It sounds like a mistake of epic proportions his shockingly poor behaviour, his history of divorcing and going after the money, the disparity of their incomes but at this point, do you think you can convince her to call off the wedding? It's probably too late, if there ever was a time you could have spoken to her without enraging her and causing her to end the friendship.

She should know better. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes, unfortunately.

SheilaWilcox · 07/08/2022 16:08

I think I would have said something before this point.

I think you HAVE to say something, but be gentle.
Along the lines of 'I love you and will support you no matter what if you are head over heels and he makes you happy, but......If you're having ANY doubts, I will help you sort it. I will tell him, I will tell your family and our friends. You do not have to go through with this. It is NOT too late. A few weeks of embarrassment and mess is better than a lifetime of misery.'

I wish someone had offered me an out. I'm 12 years in and completely trapped financially and socially and there is a child involved, so I figured I've made my bed and should lie in it. It's no-one elses fault I didn't have the guts to pull out because I was pregnant. Help her.

Midlifemusings · 07/08/2022 16:09

Many years ago a friend of mine married someone with mental health issues who I thought was a terrible prospect for a husband. I did tell her right before the wedding. She was not impressed with the timing of my comments and while she acknowledged my concerns, she said she still wanted to marry him. Many moons later, they are still married, have half a dozen children and live their own merry life. I still can't stand him and I doubt the marriage is happy but she made the choice she wanted and has stuck with it. None of us have perfect lives and if there are enough pros to weigh out the cons, then lots of people make decisions that work for them at the time.

Pipsquiggle · 07/08/2022 16:18

I think I would say something. Definitely about the alcohol before sex thing.

But I am guessing you might have to steel yourself if she gets arsey with you and she may go ahead with it

Nothappyatwork · 07/08/2022 16:20

I suspect it’s too late put a smile on your dial, wish her well and hope for the best.

Nothappyatwork · 07/08/2022 16:23

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 14:45

I really have no idea but I have heard of several occasions of this happening.

I think the reasons are more complex than 'just being an idiot'. Socialisation, patriachy, biology. I am not sure what the answer is.

More recently I knew of a beautiful and bright woman - professional. She met a guy who lived with his parents and worked in a shoe shop. He was a few years younger than her. They married after six months - she got him into the gym and paid off his debts. He started a professional qualification which she paid for. She built him from the ground up. He left her at the top of his game - taking 1/2 her assets. I was utterly shocked.

Show quote history

This is extremely common men do not want women who have built them from the ground up to stick around because that won’t suit their narrative that they’ve done it all themselves and she will not be impressed by everything that they’ve become.

it’s extremely common for them to reach the top of the game and then find some 25-year-old bimbo who will look up to them at how wonderful they are.

I’m very surprised he got half her assets though she can’t have a very good Solicitor

Goodskin46 · 07/08/2022 16:24

This is frankly terrifying. I would definitely suggest a prenuptial, I'm not sure there is much else you can do at this stage.

AStar98 · 07/08/2022 16:26

It's not your funeral wedding...

People are allowed to make their own choices and their own mistakes, they don't need anyone else's permission to do so.

Whoops1 · 07/08/2022 16:30

Please please get her to have a pre nuptial written. Suggest it’s just normal these days?We thought it was excessive, but my friend was in what we thought was the strongest of marriages and has just discovered he’s had multiple affairs and she can’t afford to leave. And she has put more money than him into the house, and of course put her career second to the child. So it’s cost her a lot financially and emotionally. We are all shocked.

greatblueheron · 07/08/2022 16:32

She's clearly desperate and blinded by wanting to be married, even though he's clearly in it for the lifestyle she can provide for him.

She's a fool who will soon be parted with her money. It's a shame, but it's a common story. Just look at the daily rags and threads showing all the desperate women who have ended up with cocklodgers just after their money.

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 16:33

Whoops1 · 07/08/2022 16:30

Please please get her to have a pre nuptial written. Suggest it’s just normal these days?We thought it was excessive, but my friend was in what we thought was the strongest of marriages and has just discovered he’s had multiple affairs and she can’t afford to leave. And she has put more money than him into the house, and of course put her career second to the child. So it’s cost her a lot financially and emotionally. We are all shocked.

Your poor friend - I hope she is OK 🥺

OP posts:
greatblueheron · 07/08/2022 16:35

I think you have nothing to lose at this stage but to tell her. Send her the link to this thread as kind of a 'hail Mary' attempt to get her to wake up and small the misery and financial ruin awaiting her down the line once she's legally entangled with this leach.

Good luck.

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 16:35

That you all for all the advice on the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 16:35

Thank *

OP posts:
meadowbleu · 07/08/2022 16:39

Summerfun54321 · 07/08/2022 15:59

She is a wealthy professional woman who sold her flat and got loads of £ for it - she bought a house with him for over £750k and he is now living in it - 8/9 months after they initially met. She put down the entire deposit and pays more of the mortage as and he earns significantly less than her (She earns about 150k, he is on about 20k).

This is irrelevant and no one would blink an eyelid if the gender roles were reversed. Concentrate on the way he treats her, that’s the only thing that’s your business as a friend.

I don't agree that it's irrelevant or that if the gender roles were reversed, or if it were a same sex partnership, friends and family wouldn't be concerned. It's not the finances alone that ring alarm bells it's the speed this relationship has progressed. Getting engaged a week after his divorce with the wedding soon after and the fact that he's openly boasted about taking his last wife to the cleaners. I wonder if he'd have committed so soon had this lady been on a minimum wage and renting her home? and that's exactly the same comment you read when the genders are reversed.

From the remark about how their sex life gets off the ground it's really not clear what he's got going for him.

Midlifemusings · 07/08/2022 16:42

meadowbleu · 07/08/2022 16:39

I don't agree that it's irrelevant or that if the gender roles were reversed, or if it were a same sex partnership, friends and family wouldn't be concerned. It's not the finances alone that ring alarm bells it's the speed this relationship has progressed. Getting engaged a week after his divorce with the wedding soon after and the fact that he's openly boasted about taking his last wife to the cleaners. I wonder if he'd have committed so soon had this lady been on a minimum wage and renting her home? and that's exactly the same comment you read when the genders are reversed.

From the remark about how their sex life gets off the ground it's really not clear what he's got going for him.

Show quote history

At the end of the day she is a capable competent woman who knows all this better than OP does and she still wants this guy and wants to marry him. She is making a decision of her own free will. Women are more than able to make decisions for themselves and to make what I might consider to be a mistake or a bad decision. They have that autonomy to make whatever choice they want - good or bad.

MissBPotter · 07/08/2022 16:51

She says she does not find him physically attractive and has to drink a bottle of wine to have sex with him

Apart from anything else, why is she marrying him if this is the case?!? I don’t see what she’s getting here, except a bit of company….

please say something to your friend and do it today, over the phone if you have to. It might not go down well and obviously say you’ll support her either way but tell her you’re really worried that she’s making a mistake financially etc.

Goodskin46 · 07/08/2022 16:51

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 15:08

Did consider this. She says she does not find him physically attractive and has to drink a bottle of wine to have sex with him.

Show quote history

This just goes from bad to worse for the love of all things Holly WHY ?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2022 16:52

He was still on the dating app a year after they were dating

That's a big nope from me. He's after her money.

Suggest she either calls off the wedding or gets an iron-clad pre-nup and asks him to sign it beforehand. His reaction should let her know...

Talia99 · 07/08/2022 16:52

It’s already been mentioned by one previous poster but it is much too late for a pre nup if one isn’t already in place. It has to be done without pressure of time months before the wedding. One she produced now would almost definitely be thrown out in any divorce as putting him under pressure of time due to the imminent ceremony.

category12 · 07/08/2022 16:52

At the end of the day she is a capable competent woman who knows all this better than OP does and she still wants this guy and wants to marry him. She is making a decision of her own free will. Women are more than able to make decisions for themselves and to make what I might consider to be a mistake or a bad decision. They have that autonomy to make whatever choice they want - good or bad.

Of course she is. But sometimes everyone is in need of a friend to say, "hang on, are you sure you want this, given x & y reasons? It's never too late to get cold feet, and I'll support you no matter what".

Especially with weddings being a bit of a juggernaut of expectations and costs once they get started.

Midlifemusings · 07/08/2022 16:52

It is really unfair of her to marry him if she doesn't like him and has to drink a bottle of wine to have sex with him.

She is the problem.

Goodskin46 · 07/08/2022 16:54

Midlifemusings · 07/08/2022 16:52

It is really unfair of her to marry him if she doesn't like him and has to drink a bottle of wine to have sex with him.

She is the problem.

Nobody has to be " the problem" maybe they just shouldn't get married.

Midlifemusings · 07/08/2022 16:54

category12 · 07/08/2022 16:52

At the end of the day she is a capable competent woman who knows all this better than OP does and she still wants this guy and wants to marry him. She is making a decision of her own free will. Women are more than able to make decisions for themselves and to make what I might consider to be a mistake or a bad decision. They have that autonomy to make whatever choice they want - good or bad.

Of course she is. But sometimes everyone is in need of a friend to say, "hang on, are you sure you want this, given x & y reasons? It's never too late to get cold feet, and I'll support you no matter what".

Especially with weddings being a bit of a juggernaut of expectations and costs once they get started.

For sure. However it is unlikely that what OP could say to her would change her mind. OP can absolutely voice her opinion. As I said in above response, I did that and it only irritated the bride!