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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is marrying - is it a mistake?

142 replies

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 13:47

Friend met someone on a dating app during lockdown
She was keen to get married and settle down
He was still married but going through a divorce - he was 'taking his wife to the cleaners' financially which resulted in a longer process.

He was still on the dating app a year after they were dating - another friend told her and he said 'he forgot to delete the app'. I personally think he was still using it.

He suffers from mental health issues so subsequently comes across as 'odd' when you meet them together (her excuse for him - when he blatantly does not make eye contact and rolls his eyes when anyone talks). He has broken a few phones throwing them against walls due to his mental health issues. She had a new puppy when they met and he used to sulk that most of her attention was on the puppy during coffee dates.

I have said nothing but just supported her.
She is a wealthy professional woman who sold her flat and got loads of £ for it - she bought a house with him for over £750k and he is now living in it - 8/9 months after they initially met. She put down the entire deposit and pays more of the mortage as and he earns significantly less than her (She earns about 150k, he is on about 20k).

She was showing me around the property and showed me the 'man cave' she built for him. With his computer game console etc. She made his man cave prior to any other decoration of the property so he feels at home.

He got his divorced finalised last autumn - they were engaged the next week. Wedding is this weekend and I am dreading it. I just feel almost like a shit friend - I feel this situation has multiple red flags and everyone including myself is ignoring the elephant in the room that this could be a total disaster based on the red flags as above.

Please be honest with the best way to deal with this

YABU - this is clearly the love of her life and you are just a cynical old hag
YANBU - this guy has more red flags than the soviets and you could say something before its too late

(We are early 40s - no children involved)

OP posts:
ILikeHotWaterBottles · 07/08/2022 16:57

berksandbeyond · 07/08/2022 14:10

It's a bit late to say something now when the wedding is this weekend!
You should have said something ages ago

This. Why on earth didn't you say something sooner? He's awful and he's going to ruin her. Not much you can do now, she'll maybe assume you are jealous or just wrong and ignore you now.

RustySwitchblade · 07/08/2022 17:00

Does she want to have kids? Is that why she is rushing to marry someone she doesn’t even want to shag?

would be worth exploring this with her. Tell her there’s nothing to stop her having a child with him and just not get married.

that way when the wheels come off, he can’t take her for half her assets.

if they don’t have kids, she would get away with a very small settlement when they inevitably get divorced. The minute they have kids, she is fucked. ( no pun intended!)

of course, a sperm donor would be cheaper and less emotionally draining. She wouldn’t even need to drink a bottle of wine.

category12 · 07/08/2022 17:01

But it doesn't take away from the fact you were right to say something. She may not have wanted to hear it and ignored it, but sometimes it's what someone needs to hear and they do appreciate it.

I've regretted saying nothing because I thought someone's mind was already made up, and later they said "so do I" when I remarked "I wish I'd said something!" 😃Who knows if she would have listened at the time, but I think it's right to be honest when you think someone is making a mistake.

AMindNeedsBooks · 07/08/2022 17:10

I still think you should say something to her. Saying he's only after her money is obviously the wrong way to go about it because she will feel defensive, it would be like telling her she's not good enough to marry without her money (well, she would likely see it that wasy).

If you bring up the sex issue you could then tell her that the marriage may not work out long term if she's unhappy with that side of that side of things and if they divorce because of that, he will also take her to the cleaners. I'm surprised that comment about his ex wife wasn't enough for alarm bells to ring!

And would she really want to have children with man who is violent? Phones first, then what?

Changechangychange · 07/08/2022 17:11

Look, she wanted to get married, and she is obviously happy to carry this man financially. She’s found herself a “trophy husband”/SAHH.

I doubt he’ll divorce her, he’ll more likely just give up work and let her support him. If she’s happy with that in exchange for his company, that is up to her isn’t it?

I agree she should get a pre-nup, but they aren’t enforceable and he’d have to stay married for a reasonable while to have a hope in hell of getting half her pension.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2022 17:16

Well, she's a damned fool, but then she's entitled to be if she chooses. From some of what you've posted it sounds as if she has an inkling of what she's letting herself in for. All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces, IF your friendship survives.

My DH's BFF (more like a brother) married a gold digger. Even her own brother cautioned him about marrying her, saying that she was (to put it mildly) 'high maintenance'. But BFF was desperate to be married, he was 40 and the sole remaining 'bachelor' . Although 2 of their friends were divorced by this time, that 'didn't count as they'd been married'. None of his friends really took him to task, but a few gently hinted that marriage was 'not the end all and be all' and that he needed to think carefully as to whether she was really 'right' for him, but he wouldn't listen.

She tried to stir up trouble amongst us 'couples' and ended up alienating all of his friends but one, who keeps in 'Facebook contact'. So now his only friends are her friends and her family. She's cut out all his sports and hobbies. He's miserable. But he hangs in there because he's still rather be "Mr Married Man". And most likely because he knows she'd take him to the cleaners.

Good luck to your friend. She'll need it.

Eunorition · 07/08/2022 17:24

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 15:08

Did consider this. She says she does not find him physically attractive and has to drink a bottle of wine to have sex with him.

Show quote history

Well now she just sounds completely mental. Why on earth is she doing this to herself? She could quit a job and burn get cash in a bonfire without the shit sex.

Is she so desperate for a wedding she'll take any old troll?

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 17:30

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2022 17:16

Well, she's a damned fool, but then she's entitled to be if she chooses. From some of what you've posted it sounds as if she has an inkling of what she's letting herself in for. All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces, IF your friendship survives.

My DH's BFF (more like a brother) married a gold digger. Even her own brother cautioned him about marrying her, saying that she was (to put it mildly) 'high maintenance'. But BFF was desperate to be married, he was 40 and the sole remaining 'bachelor' . Although 2 of their friends were divorced by this time, that 'didn't count as they'd been married'. None of his friends really took him to task, but a few gently hinted that marriage was 'not the end all and be all' and that he needed to think carefully as to whether she was really 'right' for him, but he wouldn't listen.

She tried to stir up trouble amongst us 'couples' and ended up alienating all of his friends but one, who keeps in 'Facebook contact'. So now his only friends are her friends and her family. She's cut out all his sports and hobbies. He's miserable. But he hangs in there because he's still rather be "Mr Married Man". And most likely because he knows she'd take him to the cleaners.

Good luck to your friend. She'll need it.

This is scarily similar to a woman I know and how she treated her partner.

I am starting to woman if it is the same couple I know.

OP posts:
Palmfrond · 07/08/2022 17:32

I don’t know why people are saying it’s too late. It’s not!
Whatever the monetary loss of fucking up her wedding, it will be a fraction of the emotional, social and also monetary cost of unfucking her life after the fact.
She’s entering into a binding legal contract with this wasteman. If she was buying a house or a car off of him you wouldn’t hesitate to have sword in her ear. Even if only to postpone and do a little more research.
ive seen a couple of friends and relatives in similar situations. Two divorced quickly and for predictable reasons, one remains in what appears to be a pretty dreary marriage to a schlub who is not , was not and never will be anything close to her equal.

Stripyhoglets1 · 07/08/2022 17:35

I'd just be blunt and say clearly to her that she doesn't need to get married even st this stage and it's massively financially risky if she does.

SleepingAgent · 07/08/2022 17:41

@Ilovemycat1 you keep making little comments about other people's anecdotes to keep the thread running, but haven't actually said what you are going to do?
Are you going to talk to her?

Changechangychange · 07/08/2022 17:44

RustySwitchblade · 07/08/2022 17:00

Does she want to have kids? Is that why she is rushing to marry someone she doesn’t even want to shag?

would be worth exploring this with her. Tell her there’s nothing to stop her having a child with him and just not get married.

that way when the wheels come off, he can’t take her for half her assets.

if they don’t have kids, she would get away with a very small settlement when they inevitably get divorced. The minute they have kids, she is fucked. ( no pun intended!)

of course, a sperm donor would be cheaper and less emotionally draining. She wouldn’t even need to drink a bottle of wine.

This man is not going to have kids with her - it will take all her focus off him.

My cousin lives with a similar man - he inherited the house, but doesn’t work. She pays for everything but has no rights to the house if they split. He sits around drinking all day while she works and does all the housework.

She fell pregnant accidentally in her 40s - wanted kids but thought she couldn’t have them. Her parents provide wrap-around care while she works. He continues to do absolutely nothing around the house or in way of parenting, and just sits drinking and playing video games while she is out at work, and her parents look after their daughter around him (they all have to stay out of the living room so they don’t disturb his games). Madness.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2022 17:44

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 17:30

This is scarily similar to a woman I know and how she treated her partner.

I am starting to woman if it is the same couple I know.

Show quote history

Well, I'm NOT in the UK as you can tell from my name.

TBH, I think these are pretty common 'tactics' in both men and women who are controlling/narcs, whether it's for financial reasons or a psychological need to make themselves feel good by tearing others down.

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 17:44

SleepingAgent · 07/08/2022 17:41

@Ilovemycat1 you keep making little comments about other people's anecdotes to keep the thread running, but haven't actually said what you are going to do?
Are you going to talk to her?

Yep
I am going to mention a few things before the wedding

In the nicest possible way - I just need to think about my wording etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 17:46

@AcrossthePond55

It is excatly the same story. Scary scary scary.

OP posts:
Wonnle · 07/08/2022 17:50

They have only been together 8/9 months yet he was still on the dating app a year after they met ?

How can that be

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 17:53

Wonnle · 07/08/2022 17:50

They have only been together 8/9 months yet he was still on the dating app a year after they met ?

How can that be

They bought a house together after 8/9 months following meeting on an app
Whilst they were living together and a year into their relationship a friend seen him on the same dating app they have initially met on

OP posts:
Ohtoberoavingagain · 07/08/2022 17:54

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 14:20

When married is the spouse entitled to pension if you divorce?

She has done exceptionally well professional and she told me she would have 'reached her pension limit' in her late 40s.

🫣

Yes.
I fear she will really be taken to the cleaners.
The puppy related behaviour is very significant as app said, as is the eye rolling.

littleandlots · 07/08/2022 17:55

Be honest with her, but at the end of the day it's her life and her money and up to her what she does with both of them.

But a true friend should be able to voice their concerns. There is a very good chance she will dump you as a friend either when you speak to her, or later when he finds out or it starts going tits up for her and she feels embarrassed and shame.
But a real friend would take that risk, and also be there for her when she needs you in the future.

Dacquoise · 07/08/2022 17:56

My experience of this is that they don't listen to you anyway so save the energy. A friend of mine has ended up with someone who is now very firmly entitled to half her house, her pension and an inheritance that is imminent.

When she met him he was unemployed, living in a bedsit, no car no assets, late forties. Moved him in within days, took out loans to pay his debts. They ended up with her paying most of the bills so he could do a minimum wage job as he didn't want the stress.

I tried to warn her about protecting her house but she was so desperate to get married she went ahead anyway. She told him what I had said and I listened to his 'I was in the gutter' speech every time I saw him. The feelings of dislike were mutual. He was very very keen to get married. I wonder why🤔

Roll forward ten years both myself and another longstanding friend are no longer friends with her, combination of her behaviour and his. Unfortunately, the drive to couple up is stronger than objectivity. All you can do is wait and see, if he doesn't drive you away in the meantime.

Iflyaway · 07/08/2022 18:08

taking 1/2 her assets.

This is why I don't understand you don't have the possibility of a Pre-nup in UK.

I live in a country where you can do it. He signed one, the marriage didn't work out and he was never interested in my money but as the higher earner I was glad he didn't want to marry me for money.....

Hawkins001 · 07/08/2022 18:13

Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 13:54

She is private consultant
Early 40s

My sister feels he is only with her for money - I am not entirely sure in all honesty

I would love to know what his ex wives story is in all honesty. Although obviously would never contact her.

Show quote history

I guess all you can do is be the good friend, otherwise yes you could try to say x, but if your friend is already "inlove" chances are time will see as to the outcome.

Iflyaway · 07/08/2022 18:18

she went to an African country on holiday for 2 weeks and when she came back, she told us she met this guy and a month later, they were engaged and she went back and got married to him last month (all this was within 6 months). The guy has absolutely nothing going on for him and we tried to tell her to take things slowly because it just looked like someone wanting to marry her for visa.

Of course it's for a visa. And once they have the rights, they go over and bring back their local wife/girlfriend..... even leaving kids in their wake. Despicable men.

DFOD · 07/08/2022 18:30

@Ilovemycat1 When’s the actual wedding?

How long have you got?

Original poster
Ilovemycat1 · 07/08/2022 18:32

DFOD · 07/08/2022 18:30

@Ilovemycat1 When’s the actual wedding?

How long have you got?

A week

OP posts:
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