Friend is marrying - is it a mistake?

[Ilovemycat1]

Friend met someone on a dating app during lockdown
She was keen to get married and settle down
He was still married but going through a divorce - he was 'taking his wife to the cleaners' financially which resulted in a longer process.

He was still on the dating app a year after they were dating - another friend told her and he said 'he forgot to delete the app'. I personally think he was still using it.

He suffers from mental health issues so subsequently comes across as 'odd' when you meet them together (her excuse for him - when he blatantly does not make eye contact and rolls his eyes when anyone talks). He has broken a few phones throwing them against walls due to his mental health issues. She had a new puppy when they met and he used to sulk that most of her attention was on the puppy during coffee dates.

I have said nothing but just supported her.
She is a wealthy professional woman who sold her flat and got loads of £ for it - she bought a house with him for over £750k and he is now living in it - 8/9 months after they initially met. She put down the entire deposit and pays more of the mortage as and he earns significantly less than her (She earns about 150k, he is on about 20k).

She was showing me around the property and showed me the 'man cave' she built for him. With his computer game console etc. She made his man cave prior to any other decoration of the property so he feels at home.

He got his divorced finalised last autumn - they were engaged the next week. Wedding is this weekend and I am dreading it. I just feel almost like a shit friend - I feel this situation has multiple red flags and everyone including myself is ignoring the elephant in the room that this could be a total disaster based on the red flags as above.

Please be honest with the best way to deal with this

YABU - this is clearly the love of her life and you are just a cynical old hag
YANBU - this guy has more red flags than the soviets and you could say something before its too late

(We are early 40s - no children involved)

Why do you think she wants to marry him OP? Is she desperate for kids?

So you have confirmed that the wedding is this weekend.

Must have happened then as it’s the end of the weekend wherever you are on the planet?

I would tread carefully with this one.

It might not end well for you, and you don't want to lose a friend!

You can make a pre-nup, it just doesn’t supersede other responsibilities. It’s so that rich men can’t coerce less rich women into signing one (women generally have less earning power then men, obviously not always, but often), and then ditch them and the kids without a backwards glance.

The CMS (child maintenance service) doesn’t really have teeth to force absent fathers to pay up, so a decent divorce settlement is essential to keep a roof over the children’s heads. If pre-nips are legal where you are, I assume child maintenance arrangements are more robust.

It's still not too late to say something. I would in a 'I'll stand by you whatever you decide but I don't think this marriage/man is right for you because of xyz'. Just say it.

If pre-nips are legal where you are

They were even legal when my parents got married in 1950. They didn't have one though. Were together 70 years.

I think they are a good thing to have as a possibility, to protect the more vulnerable partner. The film Gaslighting comes to mind. (Could still be on Youtube, in parts.....).

OP you sound like a decent friend

It's a hard one

My ex tried to push me into marriage
My friends could all see it and said nothing as they were too scared
A colleague spoke out and named it for what it was
She said he had me trapped and she was v v concerned
I did a runner s few days later thanks to her

As she hit the nail on the head

I feel so bad for your friend

There are far more women who marry for a visa than men.

He about to add her to his list of ex wives he takes to the cleaners, but even if you say anything she won't hear you now, this close to the wedding.

You could gently ask her if she's got any concerns, and see if she bites, and if not you've got to button it and prepare to pick up the pieces when he's waltzed off with her cash and her self esteem. Sounds like a nightmare.. let's hope she has a sudden flash of realisation before it's too late.

He about to add her to his list of ex wives he takes to the cleaners

Yeah he clearly has form 😫 what these wealthy women see in him I have no idea.

The trade off for men who marry women who need a visa is that the woman often comes from a country where she has few prospects other than poverty, or relative poverty. Moving to a western country and basically serving a British man is a good step when you can't marry well in your own country or have a good career. Or indeed when you come from a country where multiple marriage (by men of course) is legal.

Men who marry for visas frequently do so due to fraudulent intent.

Scary for sure. And unfortunately apparently not that uncommon.

You see threads on MN of people who have 'woken up' to realize they are in controlling, isolating relationships with no idea how they got there and no idea how to get out and keep their finances (and self) safe.

I think you are in a difficult situation as to how to be supportive. You could decline to attend given your views which would be a good enough reason, but I'm not sure that would achieve much.

Sadly your friend is one of those who are "so blind they will not see" as DM used to say.Your friend is a highly successful woman with a good career.Maybe she feels she wants to be married . Often successful people seem to marry "down" quite often for reasons unknown,I honestly dont know what she sees in him either.Often people feel only they "know" their partner, and make all kinds of shit up to justify it to themselves .I would tread carefully .Often people know we are right but dont want to admit it to themselves.I also have a friend like this .Must be more common than we think!

Have you thought about asking her why she wants to mary him?

There is no obvious reason.

Have you thought through your wording - when and how will you approach it?

What’s your relationship like with her to date? When she has told you she needs to down a bottle of wine to have sex with him etc - what did you say at that point and how was it received?

I don't think it's too late. And I would rather say it now than say nothing and witness a car crash.

If your friend was about to bet everything - house, money, puppy, pension pot, sanity - on a poker hand that she couldn't see or understand, you'd stop her. If she was blindfolded and about to step off a cliff, you'd stop her.

This is no different. It's not over until the license is signed.