Friend is marrying - is it a mistake?

[Ilovemycat1]

Friend met someone on a dating app during lockdown
She was keen to get married and settle down
He was still married but going through a divorce - he was 'taking his wife to the cleaners' financially which resulted in a longer process.

He was still on the dating app a year after they were dating - another friend told her and he said 'he forgot to delete the app'. I personally think he was still using it.

He suffers from mental health issues so subsequently comes across as 'odd' when you meet them together (her excuse for him - when he blatantly does not make eye contact and rolls his eyes when anyone talks). He has broken a few phones throwing them against walls due to his mental health issues. She had a new puppy when they met and he used to sulk that most of her attention was on the puppy during coffee dates.

I have said nothing but just supported her.
She is a wealthy professional woman who sold her flat and got loads of £ for it - she bought a house with him for over £750k and he is now living in it - 8/9 months after they initially met. She put down the entire deposit and pays more of the mortage as and he earns significantly less than her (She earns about 150k, he is on about 20k).

She was showing me around the property and showed me the 'man cave' she built for him. With his computer game console etc. She made his man cave prior to any other decoration of the property so he feels at home.

He got his divorced finalised last autumn - they were engaged the next week. Wedding is this weekend and I am dreading it. I just feel almost like a shit friend - I feel this situation has multiple red flags and everyone including myself is ignoring the elephant in the room that this could be a total disaster based on the red flags as above.

Please be honest with the best way to deal with this

YABU - this is clearly the love of her life and you are just a cynical old hag
YANBU - this guy has more red flags than the soviets and you could say something before its too late

(We are early 40s - no children involved)

It’s only money.

It’s her risk.

She will not be homeless or penniless - she can make loads more.

She knows what’s she’s doing.

What’s her relationship history?

Does she want children?

I think this is good advice. Sometimes, people think they can’t stop. If you actually care about her and don’t want to just hand ring on line - don’t dress it up. Meet up with her and share all your concerns. I doubt you will.

Did consider this. She says she does not find him physically attractive and has to drink a bottle of wine to have sex with him.

I was in a slightly similar situation. Realised in the run up to the wedding that the marriage would be a disaster but I chose not to say anything as didn’t think I’d be listened to.

I regret it. 😔 He has made her very unhappy and now children are involved. I wish I’d asked her to slow down and live with him for a while - or find a better guy.

She says she does not find him physically attractive and has to drink a bottle of wine to have sex with him

😳 No offence but what is up with her? She’s not even attracted to him? Is she just lonely or something?

Consultant about what?

I would be concerned about the fact he was taking his ex-wife to the cleaners. It sounds like he's in it for money if I'm honest.
May be wrong, but it would alarm me since your friend is a very high earner. Gold digger comes to mind 🤑

Maybe she is using him just as much?

She wants a big white wedding? Think she can change him? Have DCs?

Maybe she has already costed up and priced in dropping him if it all goes more pear-shaped than it already is.

I found myself in almost exactly the same position a few years ago, except the chap moved in with my friend since childhood after the third date.

Myself and her other oldest friend both voiced concerns, but they were batted away. She felt her need to be in a couple trumped any red flags we saw, I think.

I am ashamed to say I cried at her wedding. I said it was because I was sad her parents (who I loved and miss very much) couldn't be there, but I think she knew.

Our friendship of over 30 years has been so damaged I can't see a way back. I wish I had been more positive about him. Rationally, I am sure it's because he is not as decent a man as I would have hoped she'd find, but she says she is happy, so I should not judge.

“Wedding is this weekend and I am dreading it.”

Are you at the wedding now?

Did consider this. She says she does not find him physically attractive and has to drink a bottle of wine to have sex with him.

Christ. If you care about her, tell her she's making a huge mistake and she can still change her mind, it doesn't matter about all the wedding arrangements, just pull out.

Maybe she protected her share of the house?

YANBU please say something to her before she makes the biggest mistake of her life marrying that leech he will eventually do
to your friend what he did to his poor ex wife. I really hope your friend sees sense and doesn’t go through with the wedding but if she does I really hope she has a prenup in place to protect herself from this mooch.

She doesn’t have to go through with the marriage. You can change your mind at any point until you actually make the vows. I know someone whose mother asked her a week before the wedding whether she was really sure she wanted to go through with it. The daughter said no, they cancelled the wedding and her parents took the financial hit of the reception etc.

She was so grateful to her mother. A couple of years later she got married to a different man. They are still happy together twenty years later.

someone very wise once said to me that people are afraid of what other people will say, but that their interest only lasts for a few days, whereas your unhappy mistake can last for years. Maybe she would find your honesty the trigger she needs.

I would have to say something -

“Friend you know I think the world of you and will be here to support you no matter what, but I’ll kick myself if I don’t say something now. I think you are making a mistake marrying this man and I believe he is a) at best a lazy and rude cocklodger or b) out for all your worth with bad intentions. I just want you to reallllly take a moment to consider if this is what you want (because I think you are worth more) and if it is I will say absolutely say no more about it and butt out. Just please consider what is best for you.”

Hopefully she’d appreciate the honesty if nothing else…

More red flags than a commie parade for sure.

I think all you can do at this stage is check she has financially protected herself. Courts can take prenups into account so it might work, and that way at least you’ve raised the question so she can always pick it up later when it goes to shit.

Hopefully he’s great in bed and she thinks he’s worth the money.

I wouldn't even go with the worried about him being after her money angle, I'd just to stick to "it's not right that you need to drink before you can shag him - that's your body screaming this is not the right man for you."

This. Absolutely.

Someone I know ( not very well ) got married during lockdown.
She has a great job and has come into an inheritance.
She seems mad about him.
I don't get a good vibe from him.
Time will tell.

What an earth is she doing? Why would anyone marry someone they don't find attractive?! She must be feeling pretty desperate 😬

Yanbu! The guy sounds awful. What a horrible situation for you to be in though. Ive no advice on what to say to your friend.

She says she does not find him physically attractive and has to drink a bottle of wine to have sex with him.
Wait what?
OK you have GOT to say something.
I find the phrases "Talk me through it" and "If it was a friend of yours, how would you advise them?" useful.

Don't tell her what to do, but ask her, if she had a well-off friend who hated sleeping with her fiancé, a man who boasted of rinsing his previous wife, who was impatient with her puppy, how she would advise this friend.

Shit-sandwich it with, "I 100% accept it is your life and your decision and will be there for you regardless" and "But sometimes people get caught up in a tide of events and just need one person to say it's OK to do a U-turn".

The thing about a puppy is ... it doesn't fuck off after a couple of years taking half your house and half your pension.

Does she have elderly relatives that she loves? Would she appreciate having to care for them while still working (because pension half gone) and not being able to help them out financially (because half her money has also vamoosed)? Rather than coping with elderly parents while retired and with a nice heap of dosh to throw at problems?

But really SHE SHOULD NOT BE MARRYING SOMEONE SHE HATES HAVING SEX WITH - I mean JESUS NO!

She is a wealthy professional woman who sold her flat and got loads of £ for it - she bought a house with him for over £750k and he is now living in it - 8/9 months after they initially met. She put down the entire deposit and pays more of the mortage as and he earns significantly less than her (She earns about 150k, he is on about 20k).

This is irrelevant and no one would blink an eyelid if the gender roles were reversed. Concentrate on the way he treats her, that’s the only thing that’s your business as a friend.

if the wedding is this weekend it probably a bit late but I would still say something to her. Probably about the sex and could the ceremony be altered slightly so it was a blessing rather than a wedding. So she can still have her big day.
I knew a couple where the woman had to had a stiff drink before sex and they got married as far as I’m aware they are still married.