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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just want service, not unsolicited advice or comments?

450 replies

PalourGamer · 07/08/2022 12:04

This is frustrating me more and more lately when it comes to the service industry. Everyone has to chip in or feels they know better. A few incidences recently:

I returned an item to a shop; a gift from a friend that was the wrong size. The assistant checks the date on the receipt, starts processing the return and then says ‘You know today is the absolute last day you could have brought it back?’ I said yes, that’s why I’d come! He sort of laughed as if this was somehow cheeky, rather than me just returning something within the set period.

In a restaurant I asked for the salt when they brought out the food. Waitress narrows her eyes, pauses and then says ‘Have you tried it?’ I said ‘Not yet - but when I do, I might want salt. Please can you bring the salt?’ I don’t want her opinion, just the bloody salt!

Another restaurant. The waiter brings out the card machine; I move to take it so I can insert my card to pay. He pulls it away from me and says ‘You can use contactless’. I say ‘No, I can’t; I need to use the PIN’ and go to take the machine again. He pulls it back again and says ‘No, you can for that amount’. I say ‘Yes, for that amount - but not with this card’. He then finally lets me have the machine. If he’d just let me pay how I wanted it would have taken seconds.

Local leisure centre - there’s a counter where you get a basket for your things and hand it to the cloakroom attendant. I take my bag over to put in a basket and the attendant tries to grab it before I can. ‘All bagged up?’, she says, then ‘Ooh no, one of your zips is open’. I say ‘I know, it’s broken. But it’ll be in the basket anyway.’ She says ‘Oh, you don’t need a basket; I’ll just put it on the side’. I say no, something might fall out; I’ll take a basket. She says ‘No, it’ll be fine on the side; nothing will fall out’. I say I’d still prefer a basket. She says ‘Can I ask what the issue is with me just putting the bag on the side?’ I say - pretty coldly by this point - ‘Please can you just give me a basket?’ She eventually does, muttering something about ‘It just makes more work for us’. There would have been zero extra work if she’d just let me hand her a basket like everyone else instead of picking an argument!

I went to get my mobile phone screen fixed. When I return later to collect it, he asks ‘How long have you had the device?’ I say ‘Abour four months; why?’ He says, ‘And this is your first repair?’ None of your damn business! I’m not asking you to do it for free - you don’t need to know if I’ve dropped my phone once or do it on a weekly basis!

Is it really too much to ask to just be served without commentary, questions or tips on how to do it better?

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 07/08/2022 17:57

midsomermurderess · 07/08/2022 17:36

And as for ‘internalised misogyny’, give over. Some days on here feel like running into teenagers who have just discovered feminism and, what do you know, we’re all doing it wrong.

Agree. Some posters find misogyny everywhere - because they want to.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/08/2022 18:06

As a former waitress, honestly I was not paid enough to give a shit what you did with your dinner as long as it didn't involve extra work for me. You want to add salad dressing to your Mac n cheese? Let me get that for you.

LaCorOr · 07/08/2022 18:07

You sound very unpleasant.

PalourGamer · 07/08/2022 18:11

LaCorOr · 07/08/2022 18:07

You sound very unpleasant.

If you were that pleasant, you wouldn’t be insulting strangers. Don’t polish your halo just yet.

OP posts:
LaCorOr · 07/08/2022 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2022 18:18

If you constantly get similar treatment off different people in different situations, I think it's worth considering what you're putting out that people are responding to

PseudonymPolly · 07/08/2022 18:27

You sound like you have serious control issues op.

These are just normal, every day interactions. You're a human and other humans will talk to you, make trite comments about the situation, make bad jokes, sometimes question your motivation or ask something of you. It's totally normal and unremarkable. People will not answer only your specific question or scurry off to carry out your exact bidding with nothing else because they're people, not robots. I can't imagine any of these situations playing on my mind for more than a minute yet you're stewing on them enough to post a whole thread of your gripes.

No ones out to get you. No one's trying to trample on you. You didn't 'win' by exerting your authority in these instances - you just made some strangers think you're a bit of a prick. Strangers that will likely never give you a second thought after the occurance - yet here you are still raging about them.

It doesn't sound like it's them with a problem.

orangeisthenewpuce · 07/08/2022 18:27

You seem to have a persecution complex OP.

palygold · 07/08/2022 18:30

To be honest, you all sound a bit wet. I don’t see putting up with any old crap just to demonstrate to the world how chilled you are as a virtue. If you let yourself get trampled on for the sake of a quiet life, people will indeed trample.

I don't think it sounded like (from your own OP) anybody trampled on you. You shouldn't let the small things impact on you like this. All of the examples you gave were easily 'remedied' with a word and most of us do similar at times I'm sure.

Lovesplasticstraws · 07/08/2022 18:33

So a 50/50 or 47/53 vote means unanimous now?
Tedious interactions. We've all had them. Right now I can't think of specifics - probably because I have let them go.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 07/08/2022 18:39

You sound like you have serious control issues op.

I don’t think expecting the answer to ‘Could I have some salt, please?’ to be ‘Yes, of course’ or similar to be ‘controlling’. I’m not in a relationship with the waitress. I haven’t asked for her kidney or first-born child.

GrowlingManchego · 07/08/2022 18:41

You sound angry and inconsiderate. Shop workers and waiting staff are human too you know. This is how I would have handled the scenarios:

In the shop, the shop assistants dread having to tell customers that they are outside of the period where returns are allowed. They have no power to change the rule. Some customers will get angry and take out their frustration on the shop staff. The assistant was probably expressing relief that the item was within the allowed exchange period.

At a restaurant I would taste my food before asking for salt. You might not need it. Why create unnecessary work for anyone? It signals that you believe their time does not matter because you are paying. It also shows a lack of faith in the ability of the kitchen team to season food correctly, which is rude.

Another restaurant. Just smile and say “My contactless doesn’t work, I need the machine please.”

Local leisure centre. Not sure I understand this one. Fuss about nothing?

The phone repairer was telling you that they felt a repair had already been made to the phone. They were probably trying to help you in case you had bought it as new or A grade second hand as you might have been ripped off. I would have asked more questions. “What makes you think this?”

CaptaNoctem · 07/08/2022 18:50

Honestly, I’m not making it up- it’s generally accepted to be rude to add salt to food before tasting it.

Yes but I don't want to taste it and then watch my food get cold whilst I try and get the waiting staff's attention.......

Salt and pepper should aways be on the table.

PalourGamer · 07/08/2022 18:52

In the shop, the shop assistants dread having to tell customers that they are outside of the period where returns are allowed. They have no power to change the rule. Some customers will get angry and take out their frustration on the shop staff. The assistant was probably expressing relief that the item was within the allowed exchange period.

As you say, it was within the return period, so no frustration for me to take out on anyone.

At a restaurant I would taste my food before asking for salt. You might not need it. Why create unnecessary work for anyone? It signals that you believe their time does not matter because you are paying. It also shows a lack of faith in the ability of the kitchen team to season food correctly, which is rude.

Tasting it once the waitress had left the table and then calling her back to ask for the salt would have created the exact same amount of work - work that is part of her job. I showed faith in the ability of kitchen team when I chose to eat there. No chef can cater for the exact tastes of every customer. Just because I like salt with my food, it doesn’t mean I think the food is inedible shit without it.

Local leisure centre. Not sure I understand this one.

Probably not worth you commenting then.

The phone repairer was telling you that they felt a repair had already been made to the phone. They were probably trying to help you in case you had bought it as new or A grade second hand as you might have been ripped off. I would have asked more questions. “What makes you think this?”

You've invented this. I told him how long I’d had the phone. I told him it was the first repair. If he was trying to imply it was a dodgy patch-up job, he would have told me then. He never implied there was anything wrong.

OP posts:
OhGoodnessItsSoExhausting · 07/08/2022 18:53

For what it's worth OP, I'm with you! :)

achillestoes · 07/08/2022 18:54

I agree, FWIW. None of the waitress’s business why you want salt, not unreasonable to ask for a basket etc. I’m not the ‘customer is always right’ person (sometimes the customer is a toaster), but you’re not asking for much, just ordinary service without a debate.

achillestoes · 07/08/2022 18:56

A tosser. The customer is almost never a toaster.

LoveMyPiano · 07/08/2022 18:59

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/08/2022 14:23

Oh my, the vacuous sound-biters have arrived.

And the firs time I have ever been called vacuous.....
It is a vacuous remark though, I'll concede that.

I think it sometimes about myself (and my previous posts might suggest why), especially when I, for example, start ranting at other motorists and road users; they can't all be wrong, surely?

As for the main point of this thread, I do still think that the OP is causing herself rather needless stress, and of course, it does seem so much worse when aggregated together for the purposes of the post. So I do apologise for my off-the-cuff remark. We can get on a roll sometimes - and Mumsnet is a perfect example of this - and see always the bad, even in the most otherwise boring minutiae of life.

I have always been grumpy when making a call when having to wait, select through a menu, or deflected away to their website, and then be finally met by someone to whom I couldn't make myself clear. But I am recently making a concerted effort to be patient, not over-explain (and frustrate myself), use humour to try to make light of things (and get frustrated even more), and generally downgrade my expectations and be clear and concise, whilst remembering that I am speaking to a human being who may be having a bad day, and have also to deal with some shitty and impatient people. I know that I feel better after I have trisd harder in such an exchange, even if it isn't MN-AIBU-worthy.

However, when we seem to repeatedly ended up pissed off in our dealings with the world around us (and some specific situations in which we may be in the more "powerful" role....), it is worth - in MY opinion - figuring out who/what is the common denominator.

(Which is a much longer way of saying what I originally - in a rush - posted. Sorry again OP.)

achillestoes · 07/08/2022 19:01

‘However, when we seem to repeatedly ended up pissed off in our dealings with the world around us (and some specific situations in which we may be in the more "powerful" role....), it is worth - in MY opinion - figuring out who/what is the common denominator.’

Maybe the OP is right, though, and people are developing a tendency to just be over-familiar or directive with customers? She doesn’t like it. She doesn’t have to.

Brefugee · 07/08/2022 19:02

Once I’ve paid for a meal, the chef doesn’t get a say in how I season it. If you buy a dress, do you ask the designer for permission to accessorise?

Because all chefs/waitresses have experienced idiots who get food, cover it with salt and then complain that it's too salty and make a fuss.

I think the common denominator here is you, OP. They're probably just making conversation to alleviate the boredom of their days

bubblescoop · 07/08/2022 19:02

You are rude, difficult and unpleasant. No wonder you keep having these interactions.

And of course, instead of doing some self reflecting and realising you’re rude, difficult and unpleasant, you try and turn it back on everyone else by saying “you’re not so nice yourself!” like a child who doesn’t like to be reprimanded.

If you are going to behave as you are you should continue to expect this sort of thing. If, however, you realise you could be a less stressed, much kinder person, you will find the world much easier to navigate.

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 19:03

achillestoes · 07/08/2022 18:56

A tosser. The customer is almost never a toaster.

Grin
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 07/08/2022 19:03

PseudonymPolly · 07/08/2022 18:27

You sound like you have serious control issues op.

These are just normal, every day interactions. You're a human and other humans will talk to you, make trite comments about the situation, make bad jokes, sometimes question your motivation or ask something of you. It's totally normal and unremarkable. People will not answer only your specific question or scurry off to carry out your exact bidding with nothing else because they're people, not robots. I can't imagine any of these situations playing on my mind for more than a minute yet you're stewing on them enough to post a whole thread of your gripes.

No ones out to get you. No one's trying to trample on you. You didn't 'win' by exerting your authority in these instances - you just made some strangers think you're a bit of a prick. Strangers that will likely never give you a second thought after the occurance - yet here you are still raging about them.

It doesn't sound like it's them with a problem.

Excellent post.

achillestoes · 07/08/2022 19:04

‘If you are going to behave as you are you should continue to expect this sort of thing.’

What, like, to ask for salt in a restaurant?

godmum56 · 07/08/2022 19:05

PalourGamer · 07/08/2022 17:52

Calm down! There's much more important things to get worked up over than someone asking if you have tried food before giving you salt! I'd be terrified to give you any suggestions/comments if I knew you in real life. Hardly a good trait is it?

She was a waitress, not my friend. All she had to do was bring the salt as asked. Any ‘terror’ at my reaction to her comment could have been avoided by just doing her job.

If the OP managed to terrify you out of making stupid suggestions and pushing them when they were refused I'd say she had made the world a better place

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