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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"its not like he is dying"

142 replies

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:37

Yesterday df got rushed to hospital. It has been diagnosed that he had a stroke and is being kept in hospital. Today dp wanted to go out a family party. I was shocked that dp hadn't offered to stay at home with me considering ive been up all night crying. He said he wanted to go for the dc which i think is just an excuse. I had to ask that he stayed as i dont want to be alone right now and no one else is here.

His defence is "its not like df is dying so he thought id be okay on my own to watch tv for awhile"

Im highly emotional right now so am i bu or is has he just been a cold arse to me

He is staying but the point is I had to make a stand for that to happen. Im just hurting so much right now. I wouldnt even think of leaving him alone in a time like this whether df is "safe in hospital or not"

OP posts:
Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:40

Bump

OP posts:
VanillaParkersBowl · 07/08/2022 10:40

Wow, what a bastard. I'm sorry you're lumbered with such a selfish shit of a 'man'. I'm also sorry your DF is unwell and wish him a speedy recovery Flowers

YADNBU

SandieCollins · 07/08/2022 10:41

How is your dad?

sugarspiceplumfairy · 07/08/2022 10:43

Hard to tell if he’s being a dick or thinks he’s being helpful by getting the dc out of your hair only you know that

Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:43

@SandieCollins i dont really see what relevance that has

OP posts:
FredandFloReadyToGo · 07/08/2022 10:44

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:43

@SandieCollins i dont really see what relevance that has

I think maybe she was just being kind and asking OP. I hope he's doing well.

I think your DP is insensitive frankly. I'd want him to offer to stay home. Xx

Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:45

@sugarspiceplumfairy i told him i didnt want to be alone. Dc is not a problem

OP posts:
Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:46

@SandieCollins@SandieCollins sorry didnt mean to come across snappy. I was just genuinely confused. He is late 60s

OP posts:
MintJulia · 07/08/2022 10:47

if he's going to flounce around the house like a martyr, to be honest I'd rather he went and took the dcs, so that I could support my dm and other family members in peace.

When are they going to let your df home? Can you go and see him?

dampgreg · 07/08/2022 10:47

It's difficult to say OP. Maybe he thought you wouldn't feel up to the party and that you'd also like the kids out of your hair for a while. Are you going to visit your DF? I'm assuming that would be easier without the kids around. Maybe he thought it would take the kids minds off what had happened.

Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:48

Its 1 dc and dc is 17 months so quite unaware of what is happening and honestly a much welcome distraction

OP posts:
ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 07/08/2022 10:48

I think @SandieCollins was just trying to show care OP. You're obviously very shocked and upset which is completely understandable but I think "bastard" and "selfish shit" are a bit much. Peace and quiet with him and the kids out of your hair sound ideal to me and maybe he thought you'd prefer that, or want privacy to cry or go and visit or something. Not everyone deals with emergencies / health crises in the same way. As often said on here, men often look for practical solutions and he may not think sitting and holding your hand is actually achieving anything. If he got it wrong, fine, tell him calmly what you'd prefer but I don't think he deserves a pile on. Best wishes for your dad...my mum had a stroke years ago and made an excellent recovery with LOTS of physio.

Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:49

All of my family are away at the moment so it is literally me on my own

OP posts:
Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:50

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat i never called him a bastard or shit show? I just wanted to see if i was being overly emotional or if he was being insensitive

OP posts:
grosgirl · 07/08/2022 10:52

@SandieCollins asked how your dad was doing, not how OLD he was.

dampgreg · 07/08/2022 10:53

He was planning to take the kids out, you asked him to stay, he was unnecessary rude, granted, and now he's staying. I don't think he's done a lot wrong. Sounds more like he assumed you want peace and you assumed he want to stay and sit with you and the DC

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 07/08/2022 10:54

DP could have been thinking of giving you peace and quiet.

DP could be aware that the family party (presumably his family?) is very important, and so is creating a way for him and DC to be present without putting any pressure on you.

DP may have had his own relative that had a stroke, and is reacting in a way that is familiar to him (maybe that relative's stroke was minor, maybe other family attended hospital, maybe he doesn't see it as such a big deal).

I think the fact you 'bumped' your own thread after just three minutes would suggest that you are incredibly upset and over-wrought by what has happened, and not thinking straigh.

BorderlineObsessedWithYou · 07/08/2022 10:56

If you feel his support would help then I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

But in reality, what can he actually do? Your father is getting the care he needs, you haven’t slept so will hopefully sleep.

Prinnny · 07/08/2022 10:57

If your dad is stable and you’ve not slept maybe DP thought he was doing a nice thing taking the kids out so you can catch up on some sleep?

Mamamia7962 · 07/08/2022 10:58

I can see this from both sides. If this is the first time that your father has suddenly been taken into hospital then of course it has been a massive shock for you and also it can make us realise that our parents are getting older and more vulnerable.

But from your husband's point of view he is in the best place and receiving care, and there will be a limit on the amount of visitors at the hospital. I would let your husband take the children to the party, better for them to be there than bored at home, especially if they are too young to really understand. Then you can concentrate on your dad and go to the hospital and support your mum without having to worry about the children.

Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:58

Dp hasnt had any experience like this fortunately. He actually still expected me to go and when i said no i wasnt up to it he then decided he still would go. It wasnt really for my benefit. I understand the mentality of offering me a break but surely he should of asked what i preferred and not assumed going was the best thing.

I also asked that he didnt tell his family as we arent that close but he has now publicly announced my dfs health to everyone against my wishes. I feel like he could of come up with another reason had he put his head to it and respected what i wanted

OP posts:
Blanketpolicy · 07/08/2022 10:59

I think it depends on how badly your dad had been affected by the stroke. When my dad was taken in after his stroke he had some confusion, left sided weakness, was slurring words but could communicate and walked, aided, to the ambulance. We went to work etc as normal the next day as there was nothing we could do other than wait for visiting hours.

If the effects of your dads stroke are more serious, obviously that is very different.

BorderlineObsessedWithYou · 07/08/2022 10:59

And presuming that he’s normally a caring partner, I don’t think he’s insensitive. If he’s not a good, caring partner, the maybe and you need to address that once your DF is recovered.

Mally100 · 07/08/2022 11:01

He really sounds unsupportive and uncaring. Why would he assume that a party is where you would want to go after being so upset and worried? And you specifically asked not to be alone. And then he tops it off by disclosing it to everyone. He is horrible. Sorry op, hope your df recovers well.

dampgreg · 07/08/2022 11:02

I've changed my mind a bit after your update. You asked him not to say why but he has "told everyone"? He could have said you/he/DC were under the weather, so for that I don't think YABU