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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"its not like he is dying"

142 replies

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:37

Yesterday df got rushed to hospital. It has been diagnosed that he had a stroke and is being kept in hospital. Today dp wanted to go out a family party. I was shocked that dp hadn't offered to stay at home with me considering ive been up all night crying. He said he wanted to go for the dc which i think is just an excuse. I had to ask that he stayed as i dont want to be alone right now and no one else is here.

His defence is "its not like df is dying so he thought id be okay on my own to watch tv for awhile"

Im highly emotional right now so am i bu or is has he just been a cold arse to me

He is staying but the point is I had to make a stand for that to happen. Im just hurting so much right now. I wouldnt even think of leaving him alone in a time like this whether df is "safe in hospital or not"

OP posts:
Hercisback · 07/08/2022 11:24

I remember the ICU staff saying to us (as a family) on day 2 of my dad's stay that we had to go out and do stuff. Being at hospital (or home) waiting for updates isn't good. You need to keep busy to take your mind off things.

SandieCollins · 07/08/2022 11:25

Itskala · 07/08/2022 11:13

@Nekomata i just re read the comment again and it says how is your dad not how old!!

I could of sworn it said how old

Must be the sleep deprivation....

Aah that explains the saltiness. That would have been a weird question 😂

scoopoftheday · 07/08/2022 11:28

@Itskala have you led a very sheltered life up until now?

I would tell my partner and child to go on to the party snd try to get my head down for a few hours when the house is quiet.

You've said you didn't want his family to know your dad is in hospital as you aren't that close- reads to me like you didn't want your partner to attend his family party anyway and are using this as an excuse.

If hospital visits are anything like where I am, you probably won't even get in to see your dad anyway, you'd be better trying to sleep when you can.

CrystalCoco · 07/08/2022 11:28

You're lucky he didn't go to the party and instead stayed with you if you're snapping at him the way you're snapping at poster's on this thread.

Maybe you could have tried to go get some shut eye whilst he took the DC to the party.

diddl · 07/08/2022 11:31

It might have been better if he had asked if you wanted him to stay?

Although some would think that wrong as it would be putting the decision on you/he should want to stay.

Idk.

There's not a right way to deal with it-for him or you.

I'm useless at this sort of situation-never know what to say or do.

Hopeless at listening to obviously upset people without getting upset myself or seeming disinterested.

When I was worried about my mum I just wanted people to piss off tbh.

"Are you Ok/can I do anything?"

Meant well of course but I just wanted to scream "Of course I'm not OK & what you can do is piss off & leave me alone."

TitaniasAss · 07/08/2022 11:31

When I was in a similar situation I encouraged DH to take the children out (they were due to go to a BBQ), which he did at my insistence. I wanted it to be normal for the DCs and there's nothing I can't stand more when I'm stressed than people mooching around me asking if I'm ok every two minutes. But we all handle difficult situations differently. I hope your dad makes a full recovery OP.

Corlegg · 07/08/2022 11:39

I don't really know how to say this gently, but are you quite young? I'm in my forties and have dealt with a couple of crises (including parental death) in my life now, as has almost everyone I know. Sadly, we have to learn to cope in an emergency, and while I would expect a partner to be supportive and loving I definitely wouldn't expect them not to leave my side. At times like this someone has to keep life going, because life will relentlessly go on despite what you're feeling. And actually your partner taking the kids out and giving them some normality for the day could be doing exactly what is needed as a family. The kids are probably unsettled and worried and getting out the house will be good for them, I see no reason to think he's lying about thinking it would be good for the kids. On the other hand, you probably need to look out for other family members, maybe make calls to the hospital, do practical things like making sure he has everything he needs, and all those things will be easier to cope with if you don't have kids under your feet. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible when a loved one is seriously ill.

TitaniasAss · 07/08/2022 11:44

Corlegg · 07/08/2022 11:39

I don't really know how to say this gently, but are you quite young? I'm in my forties and have dealt with a couple of crises (including parental death) in my life now, as has almost everyone I know. Sadly, we have to learn to cope in an emergency, and while I would expect a partner to be supportive and loving I definitely wouldn't expect them not to leave my side. At times like this someone has to keep life going, because life will relentlessly go on despite what you're feeling. And actually your partner taking the kids out and giving them some normality for the day could be doing exactly what is needed as a family. The kids are probably unsettled and worried and getting out the house will be good for them, I see no reason to think he's lying about thinking it would be good for the kids. On the other hand, you probably need to look out for other family members, maybe make calls to the hospital, do practical things like making sure he has everything he needs, and all those things will be easier to cope with if you don't have kids under your feet. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible when a loved one is seriously ill.

A very sensible post and I wholeheartedly agree. It's the way life is sometimes, unfortunately.

Littleraindrop15 · 07/08/2022 11:50

I think it would do you good if your partner went out and you took the time to rest and sleep a little.

DonnaBanana · 07/08/2022 11:50

I always think if someone can’t be there for you in the smaller crises then why are they going to be any better when a really big crisis happens? He has shown his true character.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 07/08/2022 11:52

Another perspective - my FIL had major surgery a few years ago - absolutely massive, cancer related, involved ages afterwards in ICU etc.
it was on the same day as my friends wedding. I would happily have declined. My DH said he wanted to go as it would take his mind off things. So we went to the service, and left before the evening part to go back to the hospital. It was all in the same town so we were nearby.

personally I would never have buggered off to a wedding while my dad was going through major surgery but my DH thinks differently. He’s v close to his dad but thought he was in the best hands at that point and that he’d rather be elsewhere for a bit.

maybe your DH is like mine? Pragmatic and practical.

TitaniasAss · 07/08/2022 11:55

DonnaBanana · 07/08/2022 11:50

I always think if someone can’t be there for you in the smaller crises then why are they going to be any better when a really big crisis happens? He has shown his true character.

Has he though? He said that he wanted to go for the DCs. That may be true (although the OP doesn't believe him, which I guess shows there is a lack of trust between them), and if it is, I think that shows that he has a decent character.

Embarras83 · 07/08/2022 12:04

Totally get where you’re coming from OP. I guess the only thing is if you did get bad news and you were on your own. But if your DF is fairly stable then perhaps DH does take the kids. It’ll give you a break and you can rest. Of course you shouldn’t go.

SpindleTurning · 07/08/2022 12:06

'The children' are in fact one 17 month old child. The OP says in an update.

SpiderVersed · 07/08/2022 12:08

OP, you're stressed and overtired, quite naturally, and you're lashing out.

Your OH did nothing wrong. Get yourself to bed to catch up on your sleep, ands I hope your Dad is OK.

drawacircleroundit · 07/08/2022 12:08

Your DP, I think, may well be genuine when he wants the DC to go to the family gathering. If it's something they have been looking forward to, I don't think your situation warrants their disappointment.
Also, and I mean this nicely, I'd be careful how much emoting your DC see. I work in a field with highly emotional children - and, when I meet the parents, I see the same low resilience and impulsively emotional reaction to situations that could be managed with calm reasoning. I know that yours are young, but they will pick up on Mummy's mood and, in the future, they will imitate it.
I don't mean to sound reductive, but this is one of so, so many challenges that life will throw your way, and how you manage these situations as your DC's role model will impact on how they go on to manage difficulties. And calm, reasoned management is always impressive; it'll mean they will hold down jobs, not expect life to stop for them, and not embarrass themselves in the workplace. There's always a toilet cubicle, or moments alone with loved ones to have little meltdowns.
I hope you find a coping mechanism that works for you but meanwhile there is some really good advice on here - please listen to it Flowers

drawacircleroundit · 07/08/2022 12:11

DonnaBanana · 07/08/2022 11:50

I always think if someone can’t be there for you in the smaller crises then why are they going to be any better when a really big crisis happens? He has shown his true character.

Or, he is being calm, reasonable and stoical - which is what (to a lot of us) it seems that OP needs right now.

KatyWaity · 07/08/2022 12:13

I am sure you are upset, but on the other hand, if your father is out of danger and stable, then I can't see what help your husband is simply by sitting at home with you.

Unless his life is in imminent danger and you are expected to dash to the hospital, then sitting at him on your own isn't such a big deal. You can't change what has happened and you need to deal with it yourself.

Crying all night is a very emotional reaction IMO . Yes, it's worrying but your father has survived and is likely as a young-ish man (compared to someone 80+) to make a good recovery.

I think if your husband had said he would take your baby out for the day to (his?) family gathering so you could rest, that would have been very thoughtful. He surely can't really mean a 17month baby wants to go to the party? That's just bonkers.

Does your father have a partner? Is your mum around?

Are there no other family members you can connect with- aunts, uncles, cousins, your Mum, etc?

faw2009 · 07/08/2022 12:17

So sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he is recovering OK. My dad had a number of strokes and it can be very emotional and a big shock.

Please let your husband know the best way he can help you and then he can be there when you need him or get on with all the practical stuff that will still need doing. He is not a mind reader but hopefully will be there for you.

KatyWaity · 07/08/2022 12:18

Itskala · 07/08/2022 11:11

I dont know maybe this is one of the many areas where me and dp differ because god forbid something happened to his parents i wouldnt even think of leaving his side unless he asked for space

But your dad is being well looked after, surely?

I assume you yourself are in touch with the hospital and getting updates? That ought to reassure you and unless this party is hours away, your H can get back to you if needed urgently.

You say all your family members are away.

So they clearly aren't ending their holidays to be rushing back to see him.

I'm sorry but you are over reacting.

This is a shock of course, but reassure yourself that your Dad is being well looked after. You need to build your own resilience to cope with things.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2022 12:19

Excellent post @Corlegg.

The last couple of years of my parents’ lives were peppered with emergencies of various kinds and hospital admissions. We couldn’t both down tools every time and go rushing off. My bloke always had my back and he showed that by having a meal and a glass of wine waiting when I got home. If your dad lives for another 20 years @Itskala you may have to deal with a lot of this kind of thing, much of it by yourself.

Immaterialatthispoint · 07/08/2022 12:19

I agree with @Corlegg and @drawacircleroundit

in any event, you wanted him to stay and he is, so it’s a futile and self destructive attitude to be pissed off about it now.

Bpdqueen · 07/08/2022 12:19

I think yabu unfortunately in life things happen and the older you get the more they will happen and life doesn't just stop and you, your partner and child can't just sit in the house for however long your dad is in hospital this could be weeks. You are all still gonna have to go to work, nursey, supermarket ect its just the way it is

HikingforScenery · 07/08/2022 12:19

Considering you’ve DC, yabu, I’m afraid.
Youre very worries, understandably. However, there’s no need for your DC to be at home worrying, too.
DH should’ve taken them to the party to help take their minds off if.

Bubbafly · 07/08/2022 12:20

How is your dad now OP? I think a few people have asked you.