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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"its not like he is dying"

142 replies

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:37

Yesterday df got rushed to hospital. It has been diagnosed that he had a stroke and is being kept in hospital. Today dp wanted to go out a family party. I was shocked that dp hadn't offered to stay at home with me considering ive been up all night crying. He said he wanted to go for the dc which i think is just an excuse. I had to ask that he stayed as i dont want to be alone right now and no one else is here.

His defence is "its not like df is dying so he thought id be okay on my own to watch tv for awhile"

Im highly emotional right now so am i bu or is has he just been a cold arse to me

He is staying but the point is I had to make a stand for that to happen. Im just hurting so much right now. I wouldnt even think of leaving him alone in a time like this whether df is "safe in hospital or not"

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/08/2022 11:03

Honestly if there's nothing he (or you) can do for your father, I don't see the point of him and your DC sitting around the house all day.

ThisWasMeTooo · 07/08/2022 11:03

It's times like this - births, deaths, marriage and illnesses that cause lots of hurt and misunderstanding. Give him a break. You are in a heightened state of emotion but the reality is that it is not the same for him however close he may be. You are looking for someone to be your kicking dog right now and he is the closest.

PrinceOfPegging · 07/08/2022 11:04

With some of your responses on this thread it does seem like you are under pressure and a bit snappy. It’s understandable, health scares aren’t easy.

I can see why your DH wanted to get away and give you space. Partially for self preservation, avoiding arguments etc. but also to give you room to yourself to handle your emotions.

maddy68 · 07/08/2022 11:06

If he has commited to going to a family party and he feels up to it after being up all night that's fine. Your dad is in hospital. They know what it is. He's being treated. Staying in moping isn't helping anyone.

You are understandably emotional.

Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 11:07

@ThisWasMeTooo so we are all meant to deal with the hard parts of life alone

Okay then....

You should be able to rely on loved ones. They dont just get you when its all sunshine and rainbows

OP posts:
MumMumMumMumMum1 · 07/08/2022 11:07

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:46

@SandieCollins@SandieCollins sorry didnt mean to come across snappy. I was just genuinely confused. He is late 60s

@SandieCollins asked HOW he was-as in how is he doing?-not how old he was.

OutnumberedByNone · 07/08/2022 11:08

If it was me I'd be happy for him to take the kids out so I can get some peace especially if they are very young. If the roles were reversed I'd probably also suggest that I take the kids so he can relax a bit. His comment was insensitive but I think the rest sounds more like he maybe just didn't understand what you would prefer.

minipie · 07/08/2022 11:10

I think the way he phrased it was pretty unfeeling.

I do however think it’s reasonable and sensible for him and DC to continue with their plans.

Did you really expect them both to stay in with you all day and miss a family party just to give you emotional support? That seems quite surprising to me. I understand you are feeling in shock right now but I think once you are calmer you’ll see his suggestion was ok.

Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 11:11

I dont know maybe this is one of the many areas where me and dp differ because god forbid something happened to his parents i wouldnt even think of leaving his side unless he asked for space

OP posts:
Nekomata · 07/08/2022 11:11

grosgirl · 07/08/2022 10:52

@SandieCollins asked how your dad was doing, not how OLD he was.

It's so odd because I also read it as "How old is he?"
I was also wondering why you were asking.

I hope your dad is doing ok, OP. I think you see another side to people when times are hard.

Mamamia7962 · 07/08/2022 11:11

Have you phoned the hospital this morning OP for an update?

CallMeBettyBoop · 07/08/2022 11:12

If it was me I'd be happy for him to take the kids out so I can get some peace especially if they are very young. If the roles were reversed I'd probably also suggest that I take the kids so he can relax a bit. His comment was insensitive but I think the rest sounds more like he maybe just didn't understand what you would prefer.

This ⤴️
Sounds like you could do with some sleep, OP. Please try to rest.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 07/08/2022 11:12

I wouldn't expect my husband to offer but I would expect him to understand if I asked him to stay. No matter how much someone loves us their first reaction would be based on what they think is right. My DH would want to be on his own to process his thoughts and would expect me to be the same. I would want to cling to him and my first thought would be that he would want that too. It's not a case of right or wrong and there is no rational reason to be hurt. Your emotions are heightened and things look different right now but if he is happy to provide you with comfort and support then accept that, even though you had to ask for it.

One thing that may relevant - my husband is a "fixer" and if he can't fix then he gives up. We've been married nearly 40 years and he is finally beginning to understand that a sometimes all the "fixing" he needs to do is to make me a cup of tea and sit next to me on the sofa while I cry!

harriethoyle · 07/08/2022 11:13

I think yabu a bit I'm afraid. it's fine to say you need him but a bit much to berate him for suggesting he might go out BEFORE you'd said that. It's also contrary to stop him going to a family party but try and ban him from saying why because if he just looked like he didn't turn up because can't be bothered rather than was supporting you, that could cause big ructions in his family

Really hope your dad recovers quickly.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/08/2022 11:13

My DM has had a stroke and it really was very worrying. It's a tough time for you OP, you're worried about your Dad and have been up all night.

However, I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to take the children to the party. There is nothing you can do, your Dad is in the best place and hopefully more stable now after his stroke.

It really is one of those cliches but you do need to look after yourself, get some rest and some sleep. You can't help your Dad if you're exhausted. So maybe let him take the children to the party and you get some much needed rest.

Original poster
Itskala · 07/08/2022 11:13

@Nekomata i just re read the comment again and it says how is your dad not how old!!

I could of sworn it said how old

Must be the sleep deprivation....

OP posts:
Lovetogarden2022 · 07/08/2022 11:14

It's odd to say, and I totally understand why you wouldn't want to, but when my grandma was poorly in hospital, we had a family party to go to and we all went as a family and it was actually a welcome distraction.
You won't feel like it, but I found being around other people a big help.

ThisWasMeTooo · 07/08/2022 11:14

Itskala · 07/08/2022 11:07

@ThisWasMeTooo so we are all meant to deal with the hard parts of life alone

Okay then....

You should be able to rely on loved ones. They dont just get you when its all sunshine and rainbows

I was a kicking dog for my Mum and believe me it is horrible. It is different from relying on someone. You want someone to blame right now - it's understandable . You are taking your anger and frustration out in his direction.

BorderlineObsessedWithYou · 07/08/2022 11:15

Itskala · 07/08/2022 11:11

I dont know maybe this is one of the many areas where me and dp differ because god forbid something happened to his parents i wouldnt even think of leaving his side unless he asked for space

You wouldn’t leave his side? Life goes on for others I’m afraid. Your child would need looking after, to be taken to nursery or school in future, work, shopping, etc.

Icedbannoffee · 07/08/2022 11:16

You asked him not to go and he hasn't gone, seems fair enough. People aren't mind readers, once you said how you felt and wanted him to act he listened. I'd try and get some rest, my dad was in hospital for a number of weeks before he died and it is hard going, but life does go on in the meantime realistically. It was a bit insensitive what he said but hopefully he's correct.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 07/08/2022 11:20

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, although I'm sorry your dad's so poorly.

I actually think getting the children out of the house for a while and showing them some normality is the right thing to do.

SandieCollins · 07/08/2022 11:20

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:43

@SandieCollins i dont really see what relevance that has

Well if your dads OK, then taking the kids out of your hair for a while so you can get some rest is a good thing. If he’s still at risk or badly affected by his stroke I’d expect him to stay at home.

Mischance · 07/08/2022 11:21

Please do not be too hard on your partner ... he is just looking at it a different way. This does not mean he does not care. Sometimes men look at these things in a different way. He is going to be around in the months and years to come and it would not help if you fell out with him.

I went to my DGD's birthday party the day after my OH died - it was tough but I did not want to disrupt things for her. It did me good to see life going on.

We all deal with these things in our own ways.

I am sorry your father is ill. I wish him a speedy recovery.

Hercisback · 07/08/2022 11:22

I think you have different attitudes. In your shoes I wanted to be left alone and was very happy for DH to take the kids out as much as possible. My dad was in hospital for weeks and life did have to carry on.

Clear communication is key here. Neither of you should assume anything.

waterlego · 07/08/2022 11:23

I don’t think he is being unreasonable in planning to go to the party and taking the children. As others have said; it sounds as though he thinks he is being helpful. For a lot of people, that would be helpful.

My mum and dad both had cancer at the same time (which sadly didn’t end well for either of them). They spent a lot of time in hospitals and hospices. It was an extremely distressing and exhausting time. My husband was very supportive and at times, that support meant taking the children out for the day (they were very young at the time) so that I could sleep and cry and catch up on phone calls to update the rest of the family etc.

I also went to a wedding four days before my dad died, and another wedding three days after he died. It didn’t ‘take my mind off things’ but it did add a little lightness to an otherwise desperate time.

You are not unreasonable to ask your DH to stay home if you feel you need him by your side today, but I also don’t think he was unreasonable to plan to go.

He is U however for disclosing news to others when you had asked him not to.

I hope your dad is doing ok and that he makes a full and speedy recovery. 💐