"its not like he is dying"

[Itskala]

Yesterday df got rushed to hospital. It has been diagnosed that he had a stroke and is being kept in hospital. Today dp wanted to go out a family party. I was shocked that dp hadn't offered to stay at home with me considering ive been up all night crying. He said he wanted to go for the dc which i think is just an excuse. I had to ask that he stayed as i dont want to be alone right now and no one else is here.

His defence is "its not like df is dying so he thought id be okay on my own to watch tv for awhile"

Im highly emotional right now so am i bu or is has he just been a cold arse to me

He is staying but the point is I had to make a stand for that to happen. Im just hurting so much right now. I wouldnt even think of leaving him alone in a time like this whether df is "safe in hospital or not"

The dc would be better off with their dad at the party than in the house with you sat crying. There's nothing your DH can do so I don't see why he shouldn't go. Hope your dads ok

So sorry @Itskala for what you’re going through. I sincerely hope your dad makes a full recovery. <hugs>

@KatyWaity What an unbelievably twatty post! Empathy bypass maybe?

I’m guessing that OP’s DH still has 2 healthy parents and has never faced a close member of his family suffering a serious illness? Or maybe he’s just another selfish prat, like many of you on here appear to be?

My mum had a stroke and my exDP of 12yrs was busy having an affair with someone at work whilst I was driving to and from work and then to the hospital to visit her. A round trip of more than 60 miles. Mum had an unexpected second massive stroke in the hospital and went into a coma and died a few days later. She had always been a slim, fit healthy person who didn’t smoke, drink or drive and so walked everywhere. It was very shocking because it was totally out of the blue. It’s incredibly ignorant to assume that because her dad isn’t ancient, that he’ll be fine.

My point being that your partner and many posters on here it appears, have not lost a parent and so have zero understanding of how it feels when they become seriously unwell. My dad died when I was a teenager so losing my mum was a massive deal.

I only discovered DP’s stupid affair by accident about 2 months later and obviously we split up. What he did (inc. other stuff) was unforgivable.

Why are you staying at home OP and not travelling to see your dad? No criticism, just curious as to the reason.

I think in cases like this people struggle with true empathy. It's not imagining how I'd feel /what I'd do in a particular situation, it's imagining how the other person feels from THEIR perspective based on their personality/traits etc. Obviously OP is struggling in this situation but because she can't comprehend acting in the same way as her OH she is judging him. Likewise he probably doesn't understand why she needs him to stay by her side.
I personally don't think what he has done is very terrible but that's because I would probably struggle to understand how sitting at home doing nothing helps the situation. I also wouldn't know what someone else needed from me in this situation without being told as we all handle these things differently.
However if OP finds him staying with her helpful/supportive then just carry on- he has stayed when asked so isn't being purposely dismissive.

I'm afraid I think the focus should be on the DC and the OPs father at the moment. Of course, the OP needs support, by but most people would surely want to ensure that their DC was taken care of appropriately first. If the OP is feeling distraught, as you suggest, at the moment, then she will not be in a position to do that. Her DP can.

I lost my dad, and did not want my kids to see me constantly upset , I wanted life to go on as normal for them , so it was very much Welcomed when dh took them out and took care of them when I couldn't..... or was too upset.
why is he also not allowed to tell his family members about your df? And then also not go to the party .. that's a bit odd tbh.

I think his announcing your father's medical information to his family, despite you not wanting it shared is awful.

Some people are very private about that type of thing.

Of course you are shell shocked, late 60's is not old at all.

All the rest of your family being away is hard.

I hope the prognosis is good for him.

I hope your dad is doing OK today OP and you have managed some rest.

It's one of those situations with a million variables and nobody else can really say what's right and wrong. Variables such as the severity of your dad's condition, the amount of assistance you will be required to offer in the immediate aftermath, what the "family party" is in aid of, your own ability to cope etc will all be relevant. For example if your dad had a very mild stroke and is now comfortable and safe in hospital but the "family party" is actually DP's sibling's wedding then I would definitely expect him and the DC to go and if it were me I'd be going myself (or at least joining them ASAP after some rest). At the other end of the spectrum if your dad is seriously unwell and the "family party" is the budgie's birthday then I would absolutely expect it to go without saying that your partner would be staying with you and nobody would be partying.

You should be able to expect a certain level of support from him and as long as what you're asking is reasonable, he should be happy to oblige. Whether it's reasonable will depend on all those variables.

Because some people are private & they might not want people discussing their health?!

Sorry to hear your DF is going through this OP - a stroke is very frightening, even if 'mild'. You are understandably upset and worried for him. It would help if shared his condition with us? We are all different, but I think your husband taking your child to the party was a good idea - could you not have visited your father in that time? I imagine he is short of visitors if everyone is on holiday? Expecting your DP not to tell his family the truth, is BVU. It is very difficult to be around someone who is upset, 24/07.He deserves a break and the support of his family too.

So the DHis made to lie to his family, likely causing offence at such a last minute cancellation?

There are stories on this thread on both sides. I think what it boils down to is, in the long term, you and DP need to learn about each other’s characters and reactions and to communicate. For instance DP could have said “Would you like me to take DC to the party so you can get some relaxation or would you rather we stayed here?” Or you could have said “I’d really feel
better if you stayed with me and didn’t go”.
Everybody’s different and part
of successful relationships is getting to know how someone will feel on a situation.
I do hope your Dad pulls through well. If you feel able do let us have an update.

I can't understand the desire that he lie to his family and that OP's father's health is kept a secret. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

I would never leave my DH upset and worried to go off to socialise. It’s not what a caring, loving person does. So, YANBU.

Honestly think it’s ridiculous to suggest that the husband wouldn’t tell his own parents why his wife is absent/ missing from
their family get together.
I mean he could make up an excuse but maybe he doesn’t want to lie to his own parents. Maybe he didn’t see any need to. Wonder how long it would be reasonable to keep the lie going if the father ends up staying in hospital for a while?

You can't keep a stroke private it's a long road with support needed from both sides of the family. Appointments transport, childcare. It goes on.

This only happened yesterday.
The OP is trying to get her head around it.
The rest of her family are away.

That people cannot understand that her partner should respect her wish to keep her fathers medical issues private while she wraps her head around what is going on is awful.

She is not close to his family and does not wish for her fathers illness, which is so raw, to be todays news for them.

Completely understandable.

The entitlement of people that he has the right to tell his family.🙄

Awful behaviour.
So crass.

OP, mind yourself.
Sounds like you have a right thicko for a partner.

I hope your family return quickly and you have some support real soon.

People view things types of things differently.

I rely on DH for support (they way it logically should be for adults imo, we have been together over half our lives so I have been with him longer than I was at home with my parents etc...) but DH drops everything and runs to his mam over everything its like he actively doesnt want to be near me when he is stressed/upset/ill.

He thought he was having a heart attack and rushed to his mam instead of me (we live just houses apart so its not like he couldnt make it home, he left our house to go there saying he was just going to borrow something). He said his reasonings where 'someone has to stay with the kids', but his parent watch the kids during all other emergencies (and where clearly free) so really he just choose his mam over me.

It hurt at first that he always cuts me out but at this point im just use to it.

Just because you want him there doesnt mean he automatically thinks the same way, as many have said he may have thought it was helping to give you space. Its 'logical' regardless of if it was right or wrong for you personally.

But there are other people to consider here as well as the OP.

They had plans to see family - is it really fair to let everyone down when the alternative is sitting at home? It would be a bit different if they were all oing to the hospital, but they're not.
Also, what about the children? Is it fair for them to have to stay home and be around a mum who's upset and/or in tears all day?

I have to say, I wouldn't expect my DH to cancel long-standing plans with his family just to sit at home with me. It wouldn't achieve anything or change the outcome, after all.

Both my dad and FIL have needed emergency medical care lately - life had to go on for us. Yes, we helped where we could but I wouldn't have cancelled pre-arranged plans unless it was to go and do a hospital visit or similar.

How bloody rude! Itskala is simply asking how your dad is now

I don’t quite understand what you’d gain from your DP being there. What support can he actually offer? I don’t think there’s much to be gained from your DP and your child being cooped up in the house with you when you need to catch up on some sleep.

Obviously you’re worried about your dad but as your DP says, he isn’t in a life-threatening condition (thank god) and nothing is likely to change today so while I understand why you wouldn’t want to go to a party I don’t see why your DP can’t go and take your child and give you a bit of peace for a few hours.

I think this is a very sensible and reasoned post. I too have experienced the same and I am now in my fifties.

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. How is your Dad today?

Your DP's comments were rather clumsy and that should, of course, be mentioned to him. However, he probably meant well and is without experience in dealing with this sort of thing.

I am another though who thinks that the offer to take the children to the family gathering, thus allowing you some peace to process things, was a good one. I would have appreciated that when my children were very young. It would also keep things as normal as possible for the children, which can surely only be for the best?

Maybe he should have refrained from telling his family all of the details about your Dad, but he will have to tell them something because some will presumably ask why you are not there?

I wish you and your Dad all the very best. I hope he makes a good recovery and can come home soon. Take each day as it comes. Check out the visitors policy at the hospital to see if you can go to see him.

Be kind to yourself and to those around you who are trying to know how to help.

Blokes are a bit dense sometimes. I tried to get my DH to come back from the pub when I was told my father was in hospital and technically dead. He was overseas so there was a lot to sort out with flights and childcare. He said "ok sure, I'll just finish my drink because someone just bought a round".🤔

Hope your Dad is feeling better.

Families are so different. My husbands family treat any hospital visit as a massive medical emergency requiring everyone to sit next to their phones, feeling very very worried and phoning each other with updates every five minutes. . My family do the complete opposite, we are pragmatic and wait for something to actually happen before getting upset and even when things are critical we crack on with things. I imagine there is a middle ground that strikes it about right.

Exactly this!