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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"its not like he is dying"

142 replies

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:37

Yesterday df got rushed to hospital. It has been diagnosed that he had a stroke and is being kept in hospital. Today dp wanted to go out a family party. I was shocked that dp hadn't offered to stay at home with me considering ive been up all night crying. He said he wanted to go for the dc which i think is just an excuse. I had to ask that he stayed as i dont want to be alone right now and no one else is here.

His defence is "its not like df is dying so he thought id be okay on my own to watch tv for awhile"

Im highly emotional right now so am i bu or is has he just been a cold arse to me

He is staying but the point is I had to make a stand for that to happen. Im just hurting so much right now. I wouldnt even think of leaving him alone in a time like this whether df is "safe in hospital or not"

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 07/08/2022 15:21

Surely it's better for everyone to just carry on as normal?

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/08/2022 15:23

I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable, either reaction is fine, because some people would want company and some wouldn’t.

If he stayed when you asked him to without making a fuss, then that seems fine.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/08/2022 15:27

Hbh17 · 07/08/2022 15:21

Surely it's better for everyone to just carry on as normal?

@Hbh17

Why would it be better and for whom?

The OP is distressed her father is very unwell and wants company. That’s perfectly reasonable. Her kids are too small to care either way. Her partner isn’t being asked to do anything outlandish.

KatyWaity · 07/08/2022 15:50

@FatBettyintheCoop No, not an empathy bypass. Just a reasoned, sensible post, IMO.

And if you really have to know, I've possibly experienced more than you- including my father who took 3 weeks to die in hospital with dementia.

I drove for 5 hours/300 miles on my own to be there, and 5 hours home, alone, the day after his funeral.

mycatisannoying · 07/08/2022 15:53

But it's not like he asked to go to the pub on his own?
You've overreacted but it's completely understandable in the circumstances. You have told him what you need, that you don't want to be alone, and he has acted on that. He's not a mindreader though.
I hope your dad makes a full and speedy recovery Flowers

Staffy1 · 07/08/2022 16:15

Probably not so much as insensitive as it not occurring to him that you would want him to stay with you. Not everyone is the same. Some would find it better to be on their own without kids to worry about for a while.

ittakes2 · 07/08/2022 16:20

I am sorry about your dad - people take things differently - a stroke has varying degrees of effect - some minor and will get better and others life changing forever. I must admit if my one of my family had a stroke I would not expect everyone to stay home - BUT that's me - its OK if you are different the fact you were clear on your wishes and he took convincing is the issue. If it was me I would prefer my hubby took the kids out but its OK that you feel differently.

Blanketpolicy · 07/08/2022 16:20

Clarinet1 · 07/08/2022 14:01

There are stories on this thread on both sides. I think what it boils down to is, in the long term, you and DP need to learn about each other’s characters and reactions and to communicate. For instance DP could have said “Would you like me to take DC to the party so you can get some relaxation or would you rather we stayed here?” Or you could have said “I’d really feel
better if you stayed with me and didn’t go”.
Everybody’s different and part
of successful relationships is getting to know how someone will feel on a situation.
I do hope your Dad pulls through well. If you feel able do let us have an update.

If only it was so black and white. Your example is based entirely on the OP being unequivocally reasonable. When dh's mum died he wallowed in it and a lot of his behaviour was unreasonable (not saying the OP is as we don't know the full details), the dh is allowed to, as sensitively as possible, have an opinion too.

Treacletoots · 07/08/2022 16:22

Oh I'm sorry OP you appear to have married my exH

One of his finest hours, I was incredibly poorly in bed and he fucked off to his mother's for the weekend with no food in the house because I was boring. When I pointed out that I was disappointed, putting it mildly, he proceeded for the next 2 hours that it was my fault for not telling him I would need food and drugs and I was too poorly to get it as I'd not got out of bed for the past few days.

Sounds pretty similar. I divorced him shortly afterwards

Staffy1 · 07/08/2022 16:23

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 07/08/2022 14:03

I can't understand the desire that he lie to his family and that OP's father's health is kept a secret. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

Possibly because the OP is worried they will think she is being unreasonable to stop them going.

ittakes2 · 07/08/2022 16:24

Treacletoots · 07/08/2022 16:22

Oh I'm sorry OP you appear to have married my exH

One of his finest hours, I was incredibly poorly in bed and he fucked off to his mother's for the weekend with no food in the house because I was boring. When I pointed out that I was disappointed, putting it mildly, he proceeded for the next 2 hours that it was my fault for not telling him I would need food and drugs and I was too poorly to get it as I'd not got out of bed for the past few days.

Sounds pretty similar. I divorced him shortly afterwards

sorry treacletoots this is not similar - you understandably needed physical and emotional support because you were sick - not the same as emotional support because someone else's family member is sick.

SunshineAndFizz · 07/08/2022 16:28

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:43

@SandieCollins i dont really see what relevance that has

Surely this is relevant?

My Dad had a number of strokes over the years, some minor and he was pretty good straightaway and sadly a major one with big consequences.

How's he doing?

RightsHoardingRaptor · 07/08/2022 16:29

Sometimes people have different ideas or what is helpful but his comment wasn't nice.

ThettaReddast · 07/08/2022 16:44

What was the family party? A wedding or a 90th birthday or something I could see why he’d think he should still be attending. A random bbq just because less so.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2022 17:29

Could it be a miscommunication? I'm the sort who just wants to be left alone to deal with a bad or emotional situation. I need to sift through things on my own and find my own path/inner strength to carry on. Once I figure things out, I emerge from 'isolation' to be comforted with my head on straight. DH, on the other hand, doesn't want to be alone, he wants others around to comfort, offer advice, and listen as he works through things. This caused a lot of upset in our early years as he thought I was 'rejecting' him and I felt he was being 'histrionic'. But we figured it out in the end and now know each other's 'peculiarity' and know how to support each other.

Sharing personal medical info after being asked not to is just dead wrong, though. But I do think I could see my DH doing this in this same situation as part of his 'seeking advice/listening' way of dealing with things. He wouldn't think it was wrong if I did the same thing, although I never would.

I think once things calm down, you and he need to have a long talk. and my best wishes for your dad's recovery.

Holly60 · 07/08/2022 18:43

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:58

Dp hasnt had any experience like this fortunately. He actually still expected me to go and when i said no i wasnt up to it he then decided he still would go. It wasnt really for my benefit. I understand the mentality of offering me a break but surely he should of asked what i preferred and not assumed going was the best thing.

I also asked that he didnt tell his family as we arent that close but he has now publicly announced my dfs health to everyone against my wishes. I feel like he could of come up with another reason had he put his head to it and respected what i wanted

You were expecting him to lie to his family? I can understand you didn't want people to know but I don't think you can expect someone to lie to their loved ones for you.

Colouringaddict · 07/08/2022 19:05

How is your Dad? Is he affected badly by his stroke? My dad had several strokes that were considered minor to the last big one he had. They’re not all life limiting or even disabling.

I hope he is on the mend soon

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