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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"its not like he is dying"

142 replies

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:37

Yesterday df got rushed to hospital. It has been diagnosed that he had a stroke and is being kept in hospital. Today dp wanted to go out a family party. I was shocked that dp hadn't offered to stay at home with me considering ive been up all night crying. He said he wanted to go for the dc which i think is just an excuse. I had to ask that he stayed as i dont want to be alone right now and no one else is here.

His defence is "its not like df is dying so he thought id be okay on my own to watch tv for awhile"

Im highly emotional right now so am i bu or is has he just been a cold arse to me

He is staying but the point is I had to make a stand for that to happen. Im just hurting so much right now. I wouldnt even think of leaving him alone in a time like this whether df is "safe in hospital or not"

OP posts:
Thatboymum · 07/08/2022 12:21

I think your over reacting and being overly sensitive and some time alone to process and calm yourself down is just what you needed. I think your partner should have still went out with your child as your an adult and can take care of yourself for a few hours. I do think he was unreasonable to expect you to go tho.

MargaretThursday · 07/08/2022 12:21

Assuming he's not taking your only car if you need to get to hospital in a hurry, then actually I would have thought he would be better to go. Better for the children to get out and give you some space.

It is relevant how your dad is. If he's sitting up, talking, looking like he'll be out in a couple of days, then it's very different to unconscious, no reactions and life decisions may need to be made soon. I've been in both situations, and it is different. I know with the latter looking back we stayed around far too much just waiting for the phone to ring, but at the time going out didn't feel like an option.

And if he was due at a family party, then I think asking him to cancel and not really give a reason is unfair. It can make him look like he's being flaky and can also when the real reason comes out mean that they don't trust what he says next time. And saying something vague like "Op has some family issues" can be far worse as everyone speculates.

despairingdonut · 07/08/2022 12:22

Honestly? You haven't given an update so I'm assuming since he isn't dying that he is stable and comfortable and since you aren't visiting him I do see your DH point of view?

HikingforScenery · 07/08/2022 12:28

Considering your DC’s age, yanbu for wanting your DH to stay and comfort you.

Your DH is not bu for wanting to give you space. His choice of words was insensitive though.

He’s staying now so I’d accept the comfort. No point being cross about this now. You’ve more important things to think about.

Eiapopeia · 07/08/2022 12:28

Corlegg · 07/08/2022 11:39

I don't really know how to say this gently, but are you quite young? I'm in my forties and have dealt with a couple of crises (including parental death) in my life now, as has almost everyone I know. Sadly, we have to learn to cope in an emergency, and while I would expect a partner to be supportive and loving I definitely wouldn't expect them not to leave my side. At times like this someone has to keep life going, because life will relentlessly go on despite what you're feeling. And actually your partner taking the kids out and giving them some normality for the day could be doing exactly what is needed as a family. The kids are probably unsettled and worried and getting out the house will be good for them, I see no reason to think he's lying about thinking it would be good for the kids. On the other hand, you probably need to look out for other family members, maybe make calls to the hospital, do practical things like making sure he has everything he needs, and all those things will be easier to cope with if you don't have kids under your feet. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible when a loved one is seriously ill.

This is what I was going to say, only you say it better!

Nidan2Sandan · 07/08/2022 12:31

My older sister died suddenly in january and my husband was amazing and supportive. But he still had to go to work, he still went out to events and clubs for the kids and basically tried to keep life as normal as possible for the family.

He showed me he cared, by picking up the slack and keeping daily life running when I wasnt capable.

Only you know if this is what your DH was doing, or if he was being selfish.

Oysterbabe · 07/08/2022 12:34

When my mum died suddenly, she was only in her 60s too, my DH took charge of our toddler and left me to it. I was glad of it. It would have been very upsetting for her to see me upset and not really understand why and I had sorting out to do. It depends on his reasons really. Is he trying to be useful or being a prick and wanting to stay out of it. You probably know the answer to that.

ErmIDontKnow · 07/08/2022 12:44

I think YABU

Your dad is in hospital, hes getting the care he needs. Its definetly been a shock and it is scary but your dp is right, he isnt dying. Hes being well looked after

I couldn't expect my DP and DC to stay at home with me because my dad was unwell in hospital.

I hope your dad recovers well

Idontknowwhattothink · 07/08/2022 12:44

@Itskala I'm really sorry about your dad. You must be distraught.

I think your partner is being thoughtless towards you and now is being defensive because you've drawn attention to it.

You need lots of hugs and reassurance and he is minimising.

But try not to let his error become bigger in your mind than it is - very easily done when you're feeling fragile. Plus the last thing you need is the resulting stress from a fight if you have a big overreaction.

I would say to him later that you don't want a fight but you do need him to step up, you're having a hard time.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

DillDanding · 07/08/2022 12:52

A loving partner would do exactly what you want them to do.

If you say you need company, he should drop all plans and be there for you. If you need alone time, he should facilitate this also.

Eiapopeia · 07/08/2022 12:59

drawacircleroundit · 07/08/2022 12:08

Your DP, I think, may well be genuine when he wants the DC to go to the family gathering. If it's something they have been looking forward to, I don't think your situation warrants their disappointment.
Also, and I mean this nicely, I'd be careful how much emoting your DC see. I work in a field with highly emotional children - and, when I meet the parents, I see the same low resilience and impulsively emotional reaction to situations that could be managed with calm reasoning. I know that yours are young, but they will pick up on Mummy's mood and, in the future, they will imitate it.
I don't mean to sound reductive, but this is one of so, so many challenges that life will throw your way, and how you manage these situations as your DC's role model will impact on how they go on to manage difficulties. And calm, reasoned management is always impressive; it'll mean they will hold down jobs, not expect life to stop for them, and not embarrass themselves in the workplace. There's always a toilet cubicle, or moments alone with loved ones to have little meltdowns.
I hope you find a coping mechanism that works for you but meanwhile there is some really good advice on here - please listen to it Flowers

This is also very sensible.

Twiglets1 · 07/08/2022 13:01

But why not just tell the truth? Since that is a reason that they can easily understand and should sympathise with you over even if you don’t have the best relationship

KatyWaity · 07/08/2022 13:08

A loving partner would do exactly what you want them to do.

Really @DillDanding ? Always? Even if it's unreasonable?

I think it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other here.

The H was perhaps a little callous in the way he expressed his feelings. But (generalising here) men do tend to be a little more 'practical' sometimes and I can understand why he said what he did.

But on the other hand, I think you are being overly emotional.

It's a shock of course, but now you know your Dad is pretty okay, and you've not been told to expect any deterioration, you should try to get on with your day AND allow family life to go on as normally as possible.

Can you not put your energy into what happens next with your Dad?

Does he live alone?
What help will he need when he comes home?
How can you help organise that or help him?

Doing something practical, will help you and him a lot more than sitting around moaning that your H didn't step up in the way you hoped.

justasking111 · 07/08/2022 13:09

I would absolutely encourage my husband to take kids out keep it as normal as possible. We've been through this a few times both sides of the family and have shielded the children as well as we can.

BigChesterDraws · 07/08/2022 13:09

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:49

All of my family are away at the moment so it is literally me on my own

So your family is all away. Is that on holiday or they live far away? You can hardly chastise your husband for taking your child out for the day when your own family haven’t come a-running to be with you and your father.

Strokes can be mild or life-threatening. If your father is currently stable I think it’s a good idea for your husband to take your child out for the day. You said it’s a “family party” so I assume it’s your husband’s side of the family holding the party. It’ll be good for your child to be among family members rather than spending the day at home with you in tears. It’ll give you some peace and quiet to clear your mind and process this news.

BigChesterDraws · 07/08/2022 13:11

DillDanding · 07/08/2022 12:52

A loving partner would do exactly what you want them to do.

If you say you need company, he should drop all plans and be there for you. If you need alone time, he should facilitate this also.

A loving father does what is best for the child.

Duttercup · 07/08/2022 13:12

I like my in-laws well enough. But if one of them was in hospital and there was no errand or specific action needed from me, I'd be unlikely to change my plans and I'd be surprised if my husband expected me to.

I'm sorry about your dad, I hope he's up and about soon.

JenniferBarkley · 07/08/2022 13:14

Presumably the family party is a special occasion for someone. Tbh I would be surprised if a whole family missed a family party because a grandparent was in hospital, just to stay home. Obviously if there's visiting and logistics to handle that's a completely different kettle of fish. I think in most families you would have all gone or your DH would've taken the DC to give you a bit of downtime or time to get things organised.

As others have said, life will sadly throw up many moments like this. It's good to keep as many of the normal routines going as possible, and the nice things as well. When your DC are older they'll want to see cousins etc at family parties and it wouldn't be fair to stop them. Between them our parents have had cancer 8 times, six of them since we got together and four since we had DC (our eldest is 4 so that gives you an idea of what it's been like!). The world only stopped turning when we got to the end of life stage.

The posts by @Corlegg and @drawacircleroundit are excellent.

justasking111 · 07/08/2022 13:19

Itskala · 07/08/2022 10:49

All of my family are away at the moment so it is literally me on my own

Can you go to the hospital and see for yourself if your dad doesn't have a wife

Hollyhead · 07/08/2022 13:19

To be honest, I think you’re being a bit over sensitive which is understandable. I’d have still gone to the family party, you won’t make your dad any better moping around at home feeling sad. Yes you’ll feel flat and not yourself but dwelling on things makes them worse.

bearbackrida · 07/08/2022 13:20

OP, I voted yabu because it sounds like you're an attention seeker and a drama queen. It is your dad who is ill, not you. Of course you're worried about him, but your reaction has been over the top and you need sleep. Your resentment and anger towards your partner is unreasonable and will not help you sleep.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 07/08/2022 13:21

DillDanding · 07/08/2022 12:52

A loving partner would do exactly what you want them to do.

If you say you need company, he should drop all plans and be there for you. If you need alone time, he should facilitate this also.

I just can't agree with this.

PP's are right. Dealing with unwell relatives is increasingly common as we get older - you can't always just drop everything and be there for your family. It's just not possible or practical in many cases.

In the last year, both my dad and FIL have needed emergency medical treatment - life had to go on regardless. Both DH and I had to work, we had arrangements we couldn't get out of etc. I wouldn't have expected DH to cancel social arrangements to sit home with me - it wouldn't have changed the outcome with my dad - likewise with FIL.

Luckily both parents are fine but do you really think it's reasonable to expect someone to drop everything and snap to attention on their partners' say-so?

rooinspace · 07/08/2022 13:23

Everyone’s different, I would be going to the party myself (barring a risk of imminent death), so would expect my OH to go to a family party and take the baby in similar situation.

PandaBearBear · 07/08/2022 13:24

OP with all the love in the world, I think your emotional state is affecting your view on this - which is completely understandable.

It's really easy in a relationship to get very upset over your partner acting in a way that you feel you wouldn't, but your partner is a whole different person to you. He may have different coping mechanisms. He's lived a different life to you so his view on the world won't be exactly the same as yours. Sometimes we do have to voice what it is we need in the moment, you've done that and so he has stayed. There is no use holding onto what you feel his immediate response should have been.

I hope you're able to get some rest xx

Readytoplay · 07/08/2022 13:25

YANBU that he handled the situation badly and worded what he said poorly. he is also out of order for announcing it to everyone when you asked him not to.

YABU To ask him not to attend the party, your partner might have been looking forward to this event, and it’s not fair if the family have been looking forward to seeing the kids but now can't because mummy is (albeit understandably) upset.

regardless, I am sorry that you’re going through this and wish your father the best with his health x