To wish people would stop commenting on my parenting.

[1CrustyJuggler]

I have one child who is autistic and 5 years old. I don't use autism to excuse bad behaviour before anyone says that but the truth is, a lot of the behaviours we struggle with are due to DS being autistic and that's just the fact of the matter. The last 5 years have been very isolating and difficult. I've had so many occasions where people have shouted at me for the way DS has behaved that its just become a part of daily life to be judged all the time but I still find it exhausting.
The summer holidays are understandably difficult trying to navigate suitable places to take DS that are entertaining but also not too busy etc. Its a minefield and I don't always get it right. Again today a parent came over to me and told me DS's behaviour was awful and disrespectful and that it doesn't say much for my parenting.
I get it. DS with other children is hard work and difficult to manage. I do my best but I'm only human and don't get it right all the time but I'm just so worn down from always being attacked by other people for something that's out of my control. I just wish people would either think before they speak and consider that there may be special needs at play here and not just a "naughty" child or keep their opinions to themselves entirely.
That being said I do understand where they are coming from as parents who are looking out for their own children. Its just a very difficult situation that never seems to get any better.

Ignore them OP, people commenting are ignorant and not worthy of your time. You are doing a fantastic job

I appreciate it must be very difficult for you, what are the behaviours that your DS is displaying that are causing comments? Is he hurting other children? Because while I would have empathy for you and your DS, I wouldn't be able to accept my child being hurt by yours, so I can understand why people may comment if that is the case.

It is difficult, I would never comment because I don’t know the child’s needs but people do have their own children’s best interests at heart and if your DS has hurt/sworn at them or whatever then they are probably going to be annoyed about it. My friend has a young autistic son and often wears a sunflower lanyard if they go out together somewhere he might play up. Of course she shouldn’t HAVE to, but it does make parents stop and think when they see her son ‘misbehaving’ (you can almost visibly see the change in their facial expressions when they notice the lanyard). I also think you do need to be seen to attempt to deal with the behaviour, even if he doesn’t quite understand what he’s doing wrong.

we are all making it up as we go along, I can’t imagine how tough a balance it must be for you trying to give your son enjoyment from his summer holidays alongside managing his needs 💐

Well it depends on what your child did to their child?

@1CrustyJuggler I feel exactly the same. My DS is 3 and on the pathway to official ASD diagnosis , and whilst he rarely lashes out I am alway on edge following him around to try and avoid any conflict. Everywhere being much busier in the school holidays gives me huge anxiety taking him anywhere.
Mainly he just oversteps boundaries and is often in peoples space wanting to play, but not understanding nor everyone wants him to play with them.

Yes sometimes he does hurt other children by being too rough, although I do manage to intervene before anyone gets hurt most times but if course there will always be occasions where I'm not fast enough. But hurting people is not the main behaviour, as I said, I'm usually always there to monitor behaviour and intervene before things get too rough. Its more DS's inability to share or play along side other children as he is very rigid in his thinking and his play. So for example if he finds something in a playground that he's enjoying he will want to stick to it and "hog" it. He also struggles socially so sometimes will get too close to other children and be in their space and not know when to stop or take a step back. He has suspected PDA and ADHD so is always on the go all the time and struggles with any sort of demand put on him so as you can imagine this makes going out anywhere very difficult.

I do understand the perspective from the other parents. I do. I think if I was in their shoes I would potentially be the same way. Its just that I'm so fed up of it and so worn down by it. I feel like I can't go anywhere with my DS as where ever we go there will always be something that happens that causes someone to say something to me. So aside from staying at home all day I don't know how to get around it.

Are you 'overfacing' your DC with situations that they find it difficult to cope with hence the behavioural problems? It is hard to really understand what is going on if you don't describe the behaviours.

There are also so many places you can attend for SEN sessions where the parents/adults might be more understanding.

This sounds very similar to my DS. I understand the feeling of being on edge all the time. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed going out or doing anything social with others and DS as its just so stressful.

Did you tell them he has SN ? My son has although he is a very gentle soul but if he is too loud for example I say I'm sorry but he does have special needs . I'm trying my best 🤷‍♀️

Unfortunately there are few situations where my DS won't struggle cope. It is literally anything we do, anywhere we go. Quiet, busy, it doesn't make that much of a difference. His behaviour is very challenging.
Also this is not entirely true. Where I live there are very few things for children with special needs to attend.

What happened today op?

Could you get him a badge or something to say "I have autism, please be patient with me?"

Sunflower lanyard sounds good idea.

it’s a shame that it’s not feasible (and I get that it’s not!!!) thst you can’t do what dog owners do with signs on the sides of dogs had assets saying nervous or restive etc.

I think it’s totally fine to respond to people that he’s autisitic. Although if they’re dickheads that probably won’t help much.

try not to take it to heart x

This used to upset me. My kid is 8 now. Now I just smile and tell them to fuck off. And I do not give a fuck any more.

Yes I did say that he is autistic and that I was sorry for the way he was behaving and tried to redirect DS to another activity which inevitably caused a huge meltdown and ended in us leaving. To give the other parent their due, they were more understanding once I had said that he has SN but for me the negative interaction has already added to a stressful day and I find it hard to come back from. Its just depressing.

It really depends on what is happening during the events, is he hurting other DC? My DS got a ferocious kick in the chest at his SN monthly play group.
The DC who kicked him is often violent and shouldn't be unsupervised ever when other DC are playing.

Not unreasonable in the slightest. My 4yo is autistic and we’ve had both sets of NND round to complain about him throwing things over the fence. Totally legitimate complaints but they were really calm and understanding when I explained. We’ve doing

No one should be attacking you.

It must be a huge challenge for you and your child

But if other parents just see your child hurting other children / refusing to share or take their turn, then I can understand why they don't take kindly to it

Would it help to be quicker to explain the reason? I appreciate you may not wish to share your child's issues, but third parties might be more understanding

It wasn't a violent incident today. My DS doesn't often lash out in that way, the times when he has hurt children have been from doing things like getting too much into their personal space and hugging them for example but squeezing too hard when hugging as this feeling of pressure is something he enjoys but doesn't understand that others don't or grabbing a child by the hand and pulling them with him as he wants to play but doesn't realise dragging them along like that is hurting expecially if they are smaller. Thankfully we have never had a situation yet where he has kicked or hit another child with the intention to hurt them.
Today it was a case of not sharing equipment at the park and pulling it off of another child. DS often bolts off ahead of me leaving me running behind trying to catch up so in this case he reached the equipment before me. Once I caught up with him I made him get off and give it back to the child whose turn it was. She wasn't hurt physically, I imagine it was just the unpleasant experience of having a bigger child pull something away from her when she was using it that upset her and her parent, and I understand that. I suppose IABU to expect others not to say anything in these situations. I just wish life was different for me so I would have to be in these situations and on the receiving end all the time.

@1CrustyJuggler it is very lonely!
We tend to go out before 9am to ensure it’s quiet, although bloody park runs every where on a weekend make this more challenging, as he wants to steal all the brightly coloured cones!
We also have a few woodland walks near us which mean we can avoid people and I don’t have to spend the whole time telling DS to not do something, so is much calmer for us both.

You have to carry your hard hat absolutely everywhere.

I have two children and the three of us are autistic, the three of us have ADHD.

My children are also very different with how their conditions affect them and how they behave.

Whether because I couldn't join in with celebrating all the little wins in the playground at pick up, or because I couldn't access the same activities others kids did, our being as we are really shut us off from regular things and places and groups. Because most people don't understand.

It is also hard to explain things when you've been gatekept over assessments etc (we didn't get referrals til we eventually moved).

It's never ok for a kid to be violent or rude or otherwise horrid to anyone else, diagnosis or not, but I'm so sorry you've been spoken to like this. I would recommend finding a card to carry round which you can hand out to people who need to know more about your situation.

You're likely doing your best.

I think all you can do is stay calm and explain (I can’t imagine how exhausting and frustrating it must be though). From other parents POV it’s hard to tell if it’s just behavioural or ND or whatever and although we should all be understanding if they perceive him to be rude or unpleasant particularly to small children it will upset people.
I think a lanyard or badge or similar if he would tolerate it could work. I feel for you OP it must just put a dampener on every trip. What’s he like at home?
I wouldn’t as pp suggested tell them to fuck off with no explanation that doesn’t reflect anyone well.

It’s good you see it from both perspectives, obviously a bigger boy dragging equipment away from a smaller girl is going to upset the child and raise the eyebrows of the parents.

I think PPs have gave you good ideas, go out early, try find sessions at soft play etc that are for special needs kids and just be open and honest with the affected parents when incidents occur.

Aw it is tough. IME every year gets a little easier.

He'll learn to regulate emotions with some help - if whatever item is causing the issue try the removal and replacement trick, distraction is key.

Rewards and praise when the day has gone well.

It's hard to get to grips on it but it is important that DC on the spectrum learn there is consequences or a sad face when things are getting out of control.

My DS relies on my face and reaction a lot.

I used to use the sunflower lanyard before covid but since covid it seems to have lost its meaning.
DS is very challenging at home as well. The whole situation is very difficult.
No I would never tell people to fuck off as I think that would just validate what they are already thinking of me.
I think that's why it upsets me so much as I really do try my best to be a good parent in difficult circumstances but I always get people expressing their negative opinions about me to my face. It hurts.

In the school holidays, things like soft play are quiet in the later afternoon and weekend sessions. People want the weekday daytime. If you just want to do something where you can have a bit of confidence it won’t be horrible that might be a good idea. The other parent was unkind, yes a bigger boy taking something away from a small girl would seem wrong but going straight in with insults to your parenting is totally unnecessary.