To wish people would stop commenting on my parenting.

[1CrustyJuggler]

I have one child who is autistic and 5 years old. I don't use autism to excuse bad behaviour before anyone says that but the truth is, a lot of the behaviours we struggle with are due to DS being autistic and that's just the fact of the matter. The last 5 years have been very isolating and difficult. I've had so many occasions where people have shouted at me for the way DS has behaved that its just become a part of daily life to be judged all the time but I still find it exhausting.
The summer holidays are understandably difficult trying to navigate suitable places to take DS that are entertaining but also not too busy etc. Its a minefield and I don't always get it right. Again today a parent came over to me and told me DS's behaviour was awful and disrespectful and that it doesn't say much for my parenting.
I get it. DS with other children is hard work and difficult to manage. I do my best but I'm only human and don't get it right all the time but I'm just so worn down from always being attacked by other people for something that's out of my control. I just wish people would either think before they speak and consider that there may be special needs at play here and not just a "naughty" child or keep their opinions to themselves entirely.
That being said I do understand where they are coming from as parents who are looking out for their own children. Its just a very difficult situation that never seems to get any better.

I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely person and a good mum. It sounds difficult and that you are doing your best.

Ignore them. My son is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities . I’ve had a lot of parenting “advice” over the years. A lot of stares when out. You just develop a thick skin. My son is an adult now and it’s very clear he has special needs so I don’t get the advice anymore just a lot of pity and ‘’I don’t know how you do it” comments 🙄

Thank you so much. I appreciate that. I am trying my best. I don't always get it right and there are lots of learning curves but I'm trying and it just gets to me sometimes how my parenting is always criticised when sometimes I don't think people could do any better in the same circumstances.

OP thank you for opening my eyes a bit and reminding us all that we don’t know people’s circumstances. I’m guilty of probably being a bit quick to judge other parents so this is a good pointer for me to consider there could be fair reasons why other children are misbehaving.

sorry you have to deal with this so often.

You're doing everything you can, people are very impatient in general.

You dealt with the issue there was no reason for the DM to add fuel to the fire.

I remember when DS used to have regular meltdowns in public and strangers would say be a good boy or anything that interferes and he would explode further.

I promise it gets easier until then keep doing what you're doing, ignore impatient people and if the situation occurs again stand upright and tell them you're dealing with it.

Thanks. I know I need a thicker skin but I'm a sensitive person so as much as I try to let it go over my head I always end up getting upset about it. People can get so angry and say really harsh things. I've been on the opposite side before where DS has had other children being rough or not sharing etc and I haven't confronted the parents. I just try to move DS away to something else. I suppose because I'm quite quiet and sensitive it doesn't come naturally to me to comment on someone else's parenting and also I am a bit more understanding due to my own situation.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. I think I just needed to vent a little as it's been a tiring day.

Perhaps it is shocking if you have no experience of autistic children.
Aside from locking my son in the house all day I don't know how else I can prevent these things from happening? Its part of who he is. I manage it as best I can when we are out in public, its not like I stand back and watch him wreak havoc but inevitably an autistic child is going to do something that is out of the social norm. Perhaps if more people were understanding of that and weren't so quick to pass judgement then I wouldn't have to endure so many remarks.

The way you describe him in your second post explains perfectly why people would comment on it. And that's not unreasonable. They don't know your kid has asd.

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job in a hard situation. I have a friend in a similar situation and she also talks about how isolating it is. No judgement at all from me. Hope things will get easier for you as time goes on. @ulteriorbread she is not 'letting this happen' she is doing her best to prevent it (and also he is not hurting others deliberately)

Comment on it yes. But to say that I am a bad parent and in other cases shout at me and be unkind, surely this is also unacceptable? I understand the other parents point of view, I do. They are protecting their own children as they should and of course SN is not an excuse to hurt others or be unkind/infringe on their enjoyment which is why I don't "allow" it to happen. I don't sit back and let DS do whatever he pleases as the expense of others but sometimes things happen before I have a chance to react. Thankfully there hasn't been an incident where he has seriously hurt someone or lashed out in the form of kicking or punching but yes he has hurt others before by hugging too tightly or knocking into others when being too rough and overexcited but on these occasions I have been right by him and have dealt with the situation, for example removing him and explaining its not OK and asking him to apologise to the child. I'm trying my best. I don't just let him do it and then say "oh well its ok because he's autistic." I know its not ok but unfortunately it comes with the territory of having an autistic child. I think the frustration for me is that it happens more frequently than it would for parents of neurotypical children so it becomes very exhausting. Can you imagine trying your best to raise your child in a way thats fulfilling for them but also navigating others as to not infringe on them yet still getting criticised often? You say I need to sort something out but what would you suggest?

If you have suggestions on how I can do better then please share them with me. I would love to hear it as I'm doing my best but from the sounds of it you know how to do better.

I understand this. I do accept I'm probably BU to not want comments as it is behaviour that would be commented on. I am just exhausted and frustrated by the whole situation. Its a very difficult situation to be in that has no easy fix or right answer. Although I would say perhaps a little more awareness wouldn't go amiss as PP clearly think I 'let' these situations happen as if I am very blasé about the whole thing.

My DS would absolutely not tolerate reigns due to sensory issues. I have tried before. It is not sustainable. He would flop to the floor and not walk. I have tried different sorts, tried it on multiple occasions and it is not something he can tolerate. Not every autistic child is the same, not all of them can tolerate the same things. If it was that simple do you not think I would be doing it already?

Wow, looks like it's not just OP's son whose thinking is rigid. Sorry you've experienced such twattery on here OP. Have you also posted in the special needs section of here?

AIBU is often quite hostile, especially on a Saturday night when people have had one too many.

And you need to discover empathy.

As I said, being judged has become part of daily life for me now. I'm used it and expect it around every corner. Especially on the AIBU section on Mumsnet. Good idea about the SN section on here. I'll check that out. Thank you.

I want to send you some solidarity - you are clearly trying your best. PDA is very difficult to deal with indeed, never mind the challenges that come with having an autistic child. I don’t know what your local offer is but where I live, the provider does a lot in the way of family activities and days out in the school holidays. This means that you would be around other parents who ‘get it’ and understand the challenges you face every day.

it doesn’t sound like your son is really endangering other children and everything you describe could be quite lightly dealt with by other understanding parents. I have a son with ASD and a NT daughter and from a young age my daughter has learned how to shrug off and navigate my son’s rigid ways and her character and maturity has been the better for it. Life is way easier for her than him and she gets that. So I suppose I am saying that if NT kids are inconvenienced/temporarily startled by the needs of some children who face huge challenges being out in the world then I am sorry but that is what true inclusion looks like. If my daughter wanted to go on something at the park and a child was not able to share then I would move my daughter on as she does not have the same challenges. Of course you and your child have every right to be out and you sound like you are doing everything you can to make things run as smoothly as possible under challenging circumstances.

While you may be hurt by these parents’ reactions, my advice would be not to assume that their children or they themselves do not have SEN and find your son’s behavior to be especially upsetting or disruptive for reasons that are not readily obvious to you. They don’t know your story and they don’t know your’s.

This is a good way of looking at things.