To wish people would stop commenting on my parenting.

[1CrustyJuggler]

I have one child who is autistic and 5 years old. I don't use autism to excuse bad behaviour before anyone says that but the truth is, a lot of the behaviours we struggle with are due to DS being autistic and that's just the fact of the matter. The last 5 years have been very isolating and difficult. I've had so many occasions where people have shouted at me for the way DS has behaved that its just become a part of daily life to be judged all the time but I still find it exhausting.
The summer holidays are understandably difficult trying to navigate suitable places to take DS that are entertaining but also not too busy etc. Its a minefield and I don't always get it right. Again today a parent came over to me and told me DS's behaviour was awful and disrespectful and that it doesn't say much for my parenting.
I get it. DS with other children is hard work and difficult to manage. I do my best but I'm only human and don't get it right all the time but I'm just so worn down from always being attacked by other people for something that's out of my control. I just wish people would either think before they speak and consider that there may be special needs at play here and not just a "naughty" child or keep their opinions to themselves entirely.
That being said I do understand where they are coming from as parents who are looking out for their own children. Its just a very difficult situation that never seems to get any better.

It must be very hard OP.

In terms of practical advice, my friend with a similar sounding DC take her children to the park really early when it will be empty eg 7am.

They go to places like woods or for walks in fields where they are less likely to have to share anything or fight over equipment - go for really long walks which tires their child out. Some woods have things like rope swings

I think it says more for their own parents parenting that they raised rude, ignorant twats who have turned into adults of the same.

Sorry but if your child hurt mine I would judge you and day something. If your child might physically hurt someone they shouldn't be there

Sorry I’ve not read full thread as rushing out but do you watch your ds like a hawk. I’ve had similar to you ds is now older and if something happens I want to know what it is. A lot of parents don’t watch their kids as they get older and you’ll find the actual situation isn’t quite what another child is saying to their parent. It’s very easy to always blame the autistic kid and my son was less articulate in explaining what happened and tends to blow up more if he thinks he’s getting h blame. So for this reason when I parent comes to me I want to be able to tell them exactly what happened

Would he wear a sunflower lanyard so other parents are aware he has special needs?

My ds is 9 and thankfully never hits or shouts at other children. But me on the other hand… he shouts and swears horrendously and hits me. I get such looks in public it’s embarrassing. Thankfully people rarely get involved because I’m pretty sure he’d tell them to fuck off too.
I dread to think what my neighbours must think of us.

This is good advice. I do often try to get out as early as I can or later in the evenings when its tea time for others to avoid the busiest times and mostly this works well for us. DS doesn't sleep well at all so some days the early starts just don't happen due to sheer exhaustion. Lots of walks in the national park and the local forests are what I'm going to try to fill the time with this summer. The sad thing is DS is desperate to have friends and to play with other children, he just struggles to do it appropriately at the moment. It doesn't help that he has no school to go to to help him learn as all mainstream and specialist schools have rejected him but that's another thread entirely. I am hopeful that with age things may become easier.

Yes I do for this exact reason and also because I don't want him to hurt others or behave in a way that's not acceptable with others. I am very conscious of it. I want to encourage him to learn to play appropriately with other children so I'm always following behind him like a helicopter parent whereever we go. The times when things like this happen are when he's bolted off at full speed to the next thing in the park or to whatever has gotten his attention and I'm grabbing our bags and running after him. If he gets there 5 seconds before me its enough time for him to be grabbing the equipment off of someone else but I'm close behind and see whats happened and correct him. I try to prevent things before they but there will always be instances where I don't get there fast enough.

We often get the brunt of it as the parent don't we? I've heard its to do with us being the safe place where they can let it all out, not that this is much comfort to us in the moment! I often worry what my neighbours think as well but thankfully both on either side are understanding and supportive.

If you’re getting comments a lot I think I’d try to take him at less busy times. Not that you should have to of course, but if it saves you some anxiety.

Not much advice op but solidarity. It is very frustrating that as a parent of ND children we bend over backwards to see things from others points of view and are always having to be hypervigilant, yet some parents of NT children show absolutely zero tolerance or empathy.

I think it sounds like everything is very overwhelming for the child here, and not a fully pleasant experience.

So, 'not that you should have to' could be reframed as 'this can lead to a more pleasant experience for everyone.'
It's not a negative, but working with what you have, so that everyone has a nicer time.

OP, I am so sorry, it sounds tough.

I have no experience of SN but quite a lot of experience of going through difficult times (we have had financial issues, bereavement and now a life limiting illness so I have cried a lot this past year).

my point is that when I pull myself together and take my children out, sometimes I might not have the patience either. And if I saw another child hurt my children/ behave unacceptably, I would probably speak to the parent.

however, I am always quite close to my children when they play. If a parent would come up to me, before something happened and explain that their child was desperate to play with other children but that they had SN, I would encourage my children to play with that child.

i would also explain to my children that this child might do things that is a bit rough, take things etc (due to perceiving the world different to them) but that his mummy was close by and would sort it out.

Can you apply for play therapy to help him learn how to interact with other children? You say he does want friends so if there’s motivation PT could really help.

Also try to find SEN groups or sessions to take him to, he’ll get to be around other children and the parents will be more understanding.

This is a good way of looking at things. I suppose just like others don’t know our situation, I don’t know the other parent’s or what is going on in their lives. It’s a good thing to keep in mind.

“Future victims” 🙄You sound like a really pleasant person.

@ulteriorbread you sound thoroughly unpleasant. The op has said that it'd not intentional lashing out/hitting but not snatching or bumping into. You seem desperate to paint a picture of the op's child violently assaulting other children which is not the case. Wind your neck in.

@1CrustyJuggler you sound like a fantastic mum who’s doing a really great job. Your insight and understanding of your child’s issues are really useful to read and yes it would be much better if society recognised SN faster and wasn’t so quick to judge by that crappy 1950’s/Victorian style view of children that we all seem to have been brought up with.

Tbh if a kid hurts my child or is rude to them etc and the parent is nowhere to be seen or ignoring it then I do judge and it does piss me off. But if the parent is close behind and is doing something to correct the behaviour then I have no problem at all. Actually I would be very inclined to think there could well be SN at play here if the parent is following the child round and having to step in a lot. So I definitely wouldn't judge.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can and not ignoring your child and expecting the other kids to just put up with his behaviour. I don't really understand why other parents feel the need to comment when you are actively dealing with what your ds is doing 🤷‍♀️
I think that there are some people out there who think that parenting is a competition, and they love to point out any perceived "failures" in other parents because it makes them feel like they are winning.

Have a look on Facebook or at your councils local offer page - you can find details of SEN groups or play schemes to take your DS. We take our autistic DS along and it’s nice to be able to mix with other parents who get it, and are non judgemental. He also gets to spend time with other children like him, who get him too.

I remember an incident when a parent came and had a go at me because DS had refused to share something at soft play with her son. This was the same child I’d seen not 10minutes before, belting another kid in the face and his mum had responded with a “boys will be boys” comment when that child’s parent spoke to her. Yes it’s not nice when your child gets hurt, but tackling it in a non-judgemental way would certainly be more helpful. Most of us are doing our best.

So how would you suggest being more effective? You mentioned reigns. DS can’t use reigns. Not won’t, not doesn’t want to. Can’t. If you knew anything about autistic children you would understand that there are some sensory things they cannot tolerate. So what is your other suggestion, aside from staying the house and never going out? A straight jacket? I think if you’re going to call me ineffective then you should be able to offer a suitable alternative.

@ulteriorbread goodness me, you would have a coronary if you witnessed a playtime at primary school then 🙄