To wish people would stop commenting on my parenting.

[1CrustyJuggler]

I have one child who is autistic and 5 years old. I don't use autism to excuse bad behaviour before anyone says that but the truth is, a lot of the behaviours we struggle with are due to DS being autistic and that's just the fact of the matter. The last 5 years have been very isolating and difficult. I've had so many occasions where people have shouted at me for the way DS has behaved that its just become a part of daily life to be judged all the time but I still find it exhausting.
The summer holidays are understandably difficult trying to navigate suitable places to take DS that are entertaining but also not too busy etc. Its a minefield and I don't always get it right. Again today a parent came over to me and told me DS's behaviour was awful and disrespectful and that it doesn't say much for my parenting.
I get it. DS with other children is hard work and difficult to manage. I do my best but I'm only human and don't get it right all the time but I'm just so worn down from always being attacked by other people for something that's out of my control. I just wish people would either think before they speak and consider that there may be special needs at play here and not just a "naughty" child or keep their opinions to themselves entirely.
That being said I do understand where they are coming from as parents who are looking out for their own children. Its just a very difficult situation that never seems to get any better.

Of course I am working on the issues. I seem to be the only one working on it as the DS's school are not and have said as a mainstream school they cannot cope and aren't suitable for him. Fair enough, the problem is the specialist schools in the area all rejected him based off of his EHCP saying it would disrupt the learning of the students they already have and would use too many resources. So that leaves DS with no where to go. All the alternative provisions that his funding provided by the LA are either fully booked or say they can't meet his needs and we are just passed from pillar to post. So all DS has is what I can give him which understably puts an incredible amount of pressure on me and like I said, I don't always get it right but I don't know that anyone else would do any better in this situation.

Just to let you know OP that @ulteriorbread was a banned poster who was purposefully trying to rile you up and has been banned according to MN email so please ignore all of their posts which were designed to provoke a reaction xxx

I'm pleased to hear this also. Absolute judgemental twat. I hope they were just on a wind up and not airing their actual views, although sadly people who think this waydo exist in RL

You're at a tricky age where your DS no longer blends in with the unruly toddlers, but is young enough that his outbursts look like bad behaviour/parenting rather than additional needs. If his behaviour impacts other children then some parents will comment, and yes that will be hurtful. If they are commenting on behaviour that doesn't affect them then they should mind their own business.

I don't know if you would consider a sunflower lanyard or something to make clear that there is a reason? I genuinely don't know of children that young wear them.

Ok OP.
I've just read your last post. Post again, in the SN section. They are fabulous. You are being let down by your LA,LEA, schools, county. All trying to fobb you off saying nowhere can take your ds.

This happens. The MN SN experts will help you attack it like a legal case, who to phone, who to email, etc, keeping notes of everyone you speak to, following everything up with an email so there's a paper trail.
You mentally prepare yourself for a fight. And then you fight. Hard.

It sounds like you are trying to implement strategies but still need to fine tune them. I think having one cross bag is a good idea, and perhaps implementing a 'three steps from me' or handholdong policy if reigns don't work.
For what it's worth I do try and make allowances for Sen. My own son has a motor neuro disability and asd. But I do get cross when parents don't actively try and prevent situations that will hurt my child,.particularly as my child is vulnerable but his physical disability is not always obvious.
For example,.one time he was at the park and climbing up a ladder. Such a huge step for him because we didn't even know if he would walk, yet alone climb. I was standing back because it's important for him to develop confidence in his own gross motor skills. A little girl a bit bigger came and literally threw him off and I managed to catch him. Mum said she was autistic fair enough. But then when my child tried the ladder again the mum allowed the exact same.thing to happen so we had to move on. It was a shame because she could have distracted her with another activity, or had a countdown till she started or anything, but she just considered because she had disclosed her autism job done. And I never disclose my child's status if I can help it because I feel it does his confidence good to not be treated as different, so possibly that parent went away thinking I was an intolerant nt mother when in actuality my child has his own difficulties, but because we use strategies and have worked hard in physio it's not always apparent.
As long as you try your best is what I am saying.

@1CrustyJuggler you sound like a fantastic parent. I have two children with ASD and ADHD (eldest possibly PDA too) and having to be hyper-vigilant the whole time is exhausting and makes you permanently anxious. I can relate to everything you have said. I also agree that the sunflower lanyard has lost its impact since covid.

I would always be apologising for DS1's behaviour and I would get very upset. I only started to cope better and parent him better when I found my 'hard hat and flak jacket' I joined some ASD parent groups where I found my people and learned from them. TBH the children didn't all get along but the kinder and more understanding attitude from the other parents boosted my confidence. Is there anything you could join locally?

Can you afford a private occupational therapy report.

DS had 1 on 1 without diagnosis in play school through an inclusive program.

It wasn't enough for primary school and the waiting lists for assessments were years.

I booked an OT assessment it helped secure an SNA in mainstream, his behaviour warranted a 1 to 1 his emotional regulation was off the chart.

He is 3 years in mainstream school and has improved by miles, I appreciate he is in a good school with teachers who have went the distance to support him.

Get onto your mp, council, disability services.

I'm not in the UK so I don't know the procedure.

Report your post and ask for the thread to be moved to SN board or edit the title.

OP what happened with school? It sounds like he was in mainstream class but isn't now? Did you feel you had to remove him in the end or was he permanently excluded? I really hope they weren't constantly contacting you to pick him up (to the extent that you felt you had to take him out) as this is illegal if it is not a proper official fixed exclusion every single time in writing. Taking him out completely yourself might be convenient for school but now means his behaviour isn't a 'problem' for anyone else and so you're on your own pushing for him to be educated without the back up of ta/teachers/head/other SN people involved with him. It gives me the fucking rage that parents of kids and the kids themselves are treated like this by the education system. From what you've said it doesn't sound at all like his behaviour is unmanageable in the right SN class.

Your son is 100% entitled to an full time education and every day he is not in school he is being failed by the fucking LEA. I'm just sorry you have to fight to get him what he's entitled to, it sounds absolutely shit. He needs to be in school, he needs to be able to make friends, he needs to be getting an appropriate education and you need a break.

did you manage to yet play therapy paid for? Where I live there is zero chance of this

Ah op I don't have any good advice but wanted to say your situation sounds exhausting and it is no surprise you're feeling overwhelmed and fed up.

Do you get any reprieve at all? Opportunities for a bit of self care and recharging?

I am on holiday at the moment, and this morning there was a kid who was having a total meltdown. She looked so embarrassed so I just gave her a smile and a sort of "we've all been there look" and she visibly relaxed! She was clearly doing her best. I have no idea if her child was NT or ND but how hard is it to just be a bit understanding!?

Parenting is HARD...

@Staynow I was ignored by the local authority when I told them I didn't think he should start directly into a mainstream school as I didn't think it was right for him but they told me he'd be fine and didn't need specialist. Within 4 weeks of him being at mainstream the school said it was not working and they couldn't cope and reduced his hours down to 4 hours a week and said him being there any more than that would result in a formal exclusion. Since then the SENCO has been trying to get him into specialist provision but he is rejected from everywhere so has no where to go. For the 4 hours he is in school he is kept in what is literally the side cupboard to keep him away from the other children so he has no opportunity to learn how to interact with others. I understand why they do this but its still a very painful and heartbreaking situation. Its very stressful and leaves me with not much energy left to face much else in life! Hence getting upset easily by everything else that goes on. I'm hoping that once it goes to court we will have some kind of resolve and can move forward with finding the appropriate setting for DS to be able to access an education.

It is very hard and a little bit of understanding goes a long way. There are few opportunities for time to myself as sadly I don't have any family around me to help out obviously DS can't attend the normal clubs others do and doesn't go to school for more than 4 hours a week so it is very full on for me.

Why don't you say (very sympathetically) ". Do you have some health diagnosis that explains your behaviour? My son has autism".

People should not be coming criticising your parenting to your face.

But equally, you can't allow a situation where your DS could harm another child. I know you have mentioned your DS can't wear reins but is it an option to consider any other creative options that might a) meet his sensory needs better but b) give you a means of limiting him bolting off?

I'm thinking along the lines of a Squease or other pressure vest (you mentioned he likes the pressure of hugs) but with something sewn on that gives you a means of gentle/safe restraint for the most triggering/high risk situations.You could maybe chat to an occupational therapist who might have ideas.

As he gets older, sadly, you may find he just cannot safely play in a park where there are lots of much younger/smaller children, if the risk is too great that he will hurt them.

4 hours a week in school is effectively an exclusion and is not acceptable. He has a right to be in school full time. Send him, you will find a solution will be found much more quickly. Right now they wont find anything for him because he is barely there.

I agree. Legally he must have a school place and the school it's not providing an education. Have you applied to a special school op ? You need to push for this because the school will be able to help you in so many ways to manage things at home aswell. At special school they have so many autistic children and know the best way to handle the challenges it brings. The visual cues I mentioned before can be implemented from school to home to help with your day to day life. I would say to the school you will be sending your son full time until they can give him a specialist place elsewhere it is his right to have a school place after all

@jammiewhammie65 The mainstream school contacted the LEA to apply for specialist schools but all the special schools in our area that take children from my son's age rejected him so there are none left to apply for until he turns 8. But we are taking one of the specialist schools to a tribunal to try and get the decision overturned so that he can have a school to go to. I have tried telling the mainstream school that I will send him there full time but they say it will result in a formal exclusion if I do as DS won't cope and will be disruptive so they will have no choice but to formally exclude.

I agree. Send him, as much as you can. They don't care right now because he's only there bothering them for only 4 hours a week.

Email everyone. Senco, now. Email everyone over the summer. Push. Hard.

Does he have his own TA?

Why can't she fucking cope with him for more than only 4 hours?
I call :bullshit. School are failing you op. And failing him!

Very difficult for you OP - I’m sure you’re trying your best, and you can’t lock your DS up and never take him anywhere. But I also understand other parents getting cross when their kids get injured etc however that happens. All you can do is explain and do your best to monitor him 💐

Gosh, I'm not surprised you're exhausted - this sounds very stressful! I'm sure people aren't judging your parenting as much as you think but you're probably hyper sensitive to it? I remember fireman's lifting DD out of a restaurant once when she was behaving appallingly (this was years before she was diagnosed with autism). Fortunately it was a family hotel and I remember getting only sympathetic eye rolls from other parents...

The most helpful thing I did was to join a Facebook group for my area - I found it on the website of the PDA society I think. Although we don't do meetups with parents from the group, some of them do meet, especially the ones whose DC aren't in school. Just finding one or two mums dealing with similar could really help I think.

Regarding school, a friend has had similar issues although her son managed to complete reception just about. She discovered the local authority had something called a 'virtual behaviour service' and they provided a one to one for school.

I discovered, via a (very embarrassing) referral to Social Services that Mencap have the contract locally to us to help ASD parents. It may feel like there's nothing available locally but sometimes it's in odd places due to our crappy fragmented system. So please do persevere.

The website Sensory Direct has a lot of useful stuff.

I don’t think there’s any excuse for slagging off someone’s parenting- unless they are abusing or neglecting their child.

if another kid hit mine, I wouldn’t automatically blame the parents- all kids can be mean and violent at times.

so What if they formally exclude him? They are using this to scare you but if they do formally exclude permanently then the la will have to provide alternative education, at the minute you are providing the solution by agreeing to him only going in 4 days. Exclusions will help with your appeal as it’s all evidence