To wish people would stop commenting on my parenting.

[1CrustyJuggler]

I have one child who is autistic and 5 years old. I don't use autism to excuse bad behaviour before anyone says that but the truth is, a lot of the behaviours we struggle with are due to DS being autistic and that's just the fact of the matter. The last 5 years have been very isolating and difficult. I've had so many occasions where people have shouted at me for the way DS has behaved that its just become a part of daily life to be judged all the time but I still find it exhausting.
The summer holidays are understandably difficult trying to navigate suitable places to take DS that are entertaining but also not too busy etc. Its a minefield and I don't always get it right. Again today a parent came over to me and told me DS's behaviour was awful and disrespectful and that it doesn't say much for my parenting.
I get it. DS with other children is hard work and difficult to manage. I do my best but I'm only human and don't get it right all the time but I'm just so worn down from always being attacked by other people for something that's out of my control. I just wish people would either think before they speak and consider that there may be special needs at play here and not just a "naughty" child or keep their opinions to themselves entirely.
That being said I do understand where they are coming from as parents who are looking out for their own children. Its just a very difficult situation that never seems to get any better.

The advice about SN groups is sound.
I don't know how you have been training him or any programs you have done but some type of play group or specialist could help him learn interaction skills.

Re ‘grabbing your bags’ before chasing after him. I used to have this with mine as toddlers moving fast. I used a small cross body bag for anything valuable, so it was always on me, and everything non-valuable in a bag I could leave unattended if needed. Or a rucksack I just wore all the time. I think you need to be able to not worry about your bags so you can move after him fast. If he bolts getting out of car or similar, make sure you are ready to go, bag on back, before he is out of the car.

I honestly don't think you can't expect anyone to have any understanding if your child hurts or upsets another parents child. Off course their child matters to them more. So asking for understanding is a pretty big ask if their child is hurt. However on the other hand I do feel for you, because you are really in such a helpless situation as it is sometimes out of your control. I don't know what to suggest other than shadow him absolutely closely. I think it would be tricky though if a parent has other dc too.

This is a good idea. I can sort a smaller bag for my phone and keys and things and put the food and drinks in a carrier bag that can be left and returned to later.

You have my sympathy.

My step child, now an adult was similar in parks etc and it was awful. My other step child and our later children were NT. We tried various things like understanding triggers, avoiding overload, had a private behaviour support worker work with us on a plan but once our child got so big that taking things off/pushing others off etc was physically risky and someone else may have got seriously hurt we would only go to parks very very early (6am) and tried to go to things especially for SEN children. The final incident was pushing a little girl off her scooter in order to ride it. One of us was always glued to our child but it didn't stop a quick sprint towards the scooter that we hadn't seen coming from behind. She was upset but thankfully not injured. The parent rightly had a go at us and I cried and we apologised but "sorry X has SEN" just wasn't good enough for us as she could have been really hurt as there was a huge physical difference. So that was the end. As much as it seemed unfair in our opinion it also wasn't fair for our child's SEN issues to cause harm to other kids. We stopped going to parks and did a lot of forest walks after that. There were other issues with unstructured/open spaces but this was easier to manage and became a much enjoyed replacement.

Yes I do understand that. Of course no one wants their child to be hurt/frightened or whatever. I know it’s unrealistic to not want anyone to say anything to me. I know. Think it’s more just frustration at the situation that I don’t want to be in. I’m tired of it being like this but there is no easy fix or way out of it.
To address the PPs suggesting things for SN children, the support in my area has been awful. It is a constant struggle and battle to get any organisations or the LA to provide any help or services. What there is is limited and with long waiting lists that when we have gotten to the top of, they offer limited services. The two FB Sen groups that offered coffee mornings both stopped them due to covid and haven’t started again. There are places like the museum etc that offer SEN sessions but that isn’t in my DSs interests so he would likely be bored and disruptive. He is very active so prefers things where he can run around etc. although this morning I have found that a trampoline park near us does a SEN session once a week so that is somewhere I can try with him.

Perhaps this is something I’m going to have to accept if DS doesn’t improve with age.It is very sad but I agree that other children shouldn’t be at risk. It’s a shame that there are not more places for children with special needs.

It can be so tricky. My friends DC had been undergoing testing for Autism. Her DC and mine were good friends. Gradually my DD withdrew and became upset at the slightest suggestion of meeting up with her friend. I had sat her down and explained that sometimes her friend might find situations really hard and she should
try to be mindful and considerate because we would never understand how challenging life might feel for her. Then I witnessed a particular day where my friends DC was advancing on mine screaming at her, DD backed away visibly upset. My friend witnessed this as well. She said nothing and did nothing. TBH it was bloody hard to watch, DD confessed this happened regularly and she didn’t know what to do but felt frightened but felt she shouldn’t say anything because she loves her friend when she’s not shouting at her. I was upset my friend did nothing , my expectation was for her to at least have a chat with her DC and give her time to calm…anything that recognised that she was upsetting my DD. We muddled though for another year but the episodes started to get worse and in the end DD broke down and told me she didn’t enjoy being friends but was worried that her friend would be alone. My DD’s health was badly affected, never acknowledged by my friend. It’s a real hard one because I know why she might struggling but at the same time my DD became overtly anxious because of it and I was to blame because I told my little girl to do her best because her friend really struggled and she took that to heart. I’ve read a few posts with parents stating that they would just say ‘fuck off’, but tell me how on earth should I handle that situation?

Have you tried a visual countdown for when an activity is aiming to an end ? It's a 54321 number line so the child can see that this is nearing an end. I work with autistic children and we use visuals like this a lot and they really do help a lot of kids

OP you sound like a lovely mum and have also reminded me to be more aware of what other parents may be dealing with behind the scenes

You've had some good suggestions here but some of them (basically don't ever let him interact with other children) are a little extreme! He has to learn and as long as you're right there then to distract then that would be enough for me

I've had plenty of kids hit, smack, snatch, hog toys, not share etc while at soft play with mine. As long as the parent intervenes then I accept that this might happen. It's the ones where parents are sat on their phones oblivious, or worse, see it and do nothing that really get to me.

OP
Can you keep trying re reigns? Maybe those on a little rucksack?

While I understand that it is exhausting as a parent of a SN child sometimes we still have a duty as parents to intervene as best we can and manage the situation, so I can understand why you were upset at the parent doing nothing as that is just not fair on your daughter. I also don’t agree with telling people to “fuck off” as even though it wears you down having all these negative encounters all the time, swearing at people obviously isn’t the answer.
For me it’s just the frustration of doing the best I can, watching DS all the time, following after him everywhere, intervening, apologising to the parents and the children, taking DS aside and explaining to him why it’s not acceptable and what to do instead etc, actively trying the best I can to manage the situation yet still getting SOME (not all) parents being rude to me or shouting at me. There are some parents who come over and have a word in a civil way which is a lot easier to accept and be able to talk to them, but the ones where they come straight at me shouting that I’m a bad parent etc, it just hurts.

He has to learn

^ at the expense of your child? What if the parent didn't quite get there in time and your child was badly hurt? I never encountered people with this attitude when my step child was interacting. I would also say it wasn't learning. I don't know how much you know about SEN children and how different their needs can be but it isn't a case of teaching oh you must wait your turn etc don't do that again...and voila. If only!

I don't know how we 'square the circle' in these situations. i really feel for you and your son.

But - it's a tough one. Of course, no-one wants their child labelled visibly in any way as having this kind of ND condition, but if their behaviour is impacting others and they protest - well, this kind of situation will happen.

An analogy from a school I once worked in where the following situations/rules made it impossible to ever get things right:

Conditions such as ASD (and disabilities such as hearing impairment) were kept incredibly confidential from most staff. We were told to adopt a 'zero tolerance' policy towards disrespectful or disruptive behaviour. Needless to say, these 2 policies were totally incompatible and staff ended up telling off children with certain needs/conditions and conversely, ignoring behaviour from others which should have been picked up on.

I don't know how this problem can be addressed. If people understand that a child is ND, then they should make allowances, but does that mean that any behaviour should be tolerated by others just in case a child has such a condition? I really don't know the answer - I'm just suggesting why these difficult situations occur.

I have retried the reigns over and over but DS will not tolerate them at all. It causes huge meltdowns where he will flop to the floor, won’t get up again and will smash his head into the floor, become destructive etc. He says that it’s hurting him, it’s not but it’s just the sensory feeling it creates for him. Obviously when he was younger it was easier as he was smaller but he is quite tall now and strong. I honestly have tried multiple times to desensitise him to them and make it a part of the routine but he just will not tolerate it.

See, it's people like @ulteriorbread that have formed my 'smile and, if they are gits, tell them to fuck off'

I watch my child like a hawk. Ten times more vigilance required than a parent of a NT kid. He doesn't hit or hurt other kids but he does have loud meltdowns sometimes, during those I receive the most judgemental mucky looks from other adults, when I'm trying to comfort him and calm him down. I often say 'End of show guys, get your entertainment elsewhere'. People are so so rude.

OP, honestly do not answer to parents of NT children with no idea of what you and your child go through. They will never understand.

I think you sound like a fantastic parent, because you really make no excuses and very understanding of the other side. I feel for you because it really is an impossible situation and at times you will be caught off guard. The only thing I think you can do is try remember that these people are reacting only from seeing their child upset. They don't actually know you personally to say that you are a bad parent.

Are there any local support groups you can join for mums with SEN children? You might be able to share some tips, as well as building up a network of mum friends dealing with similar issues.

You sound like a kind and caring mum, but objectively speaking, if your child is deliberately harming other children then I can understand why parents would be upset by this and react. If you're doing as much as you can in the moment to prevent this from happening then it does seem unfair to put your parenting into question, but if this is something your child does on a regular basis then 'he has SEN' isn't a good enough excuse to hurt other children.

@1CrustyJuggler , I do applaud you for trying to give your DC the same experiences as other children.
The BUT that I have is that sometimes this just is not possible. One has to be realistic, eventually.
My younger sister had a disability and was restricted in her capacity to interact. Our parents insisted that she joined in everything as I did. It seldom worked. Dear Sister could not do it. Oh! how I wish we had been given the chance to do things that more relevant to each of us earlier.
Parents were not realistic in their expectations. for so long. When she went into residential accommodation she changed and improved and learned more. As my DBro put it, "She is no longer automatically the odd one". Ohers did go to her for help. Not always playing catch-up. Not being pushed to keep up.

I know it is difficult for you and you are doing well working so hard at this but you may have to work it differently.

I accept this. It’s incredibly difficult as a parent seeing your child not be able to partake in most things even though they desperately want to because the world is just not designed for them but I accept that that’s the way it is and that I will have to find other options. We have been massively failed by the education system and the local authority and have no school to send DS to but we are waiting on a hearing date to hopefully go to court and get DS into a specialist school. I’m hoping that once he’s there and can be around others similar to him he may eventually build some friendships and not feel so lonely any more so his intense desire to go to parks and other places with children in them will ease off a bit if he has his own friends that he can interact with.

Thank you. Yes that is something I will keep in mind. It’s a difficult situation for everyone.

Are school working on all these issues? Are you? ASD or not, hurting someone else is just not ok, and he needs to learn that. And yes ds1 is AS, so I do know. All his social skills need working on. What is in place to facilitate that and help him?

What support IS available in your area? Is he still under a Paed?
Have you got a:
Family Support Worker

The National Autistic Society
County Autism Resource Centre ?