Expecting working 18 year old to pay his way

[Fisifoofoo]

My 18 year old son finished college this year and is now working at a local hotel. It was a part time job but is now supposed to be full time as he won’t be going to higher education - so this is it, he’s now in the workforce and is an adult. At home there is myself, my husband and a 16 year old in further education and we are finding money is really tight at the moment.

At what point do we stop paying for our son? I don’t mean food and household stuff, I mean his haircuts, clothes, prescriptions etc? He is working and wants to be treated as an adult, I think he should pay for anything that’s for him. We used to pay his gym and rugby membership before covid but think if he decides to rejoin now he should pay for it himself. We also had to cancel Disney+ and Netflix etc because of the expense, so if he wants to sign up again himself then that’s up to him.

He already pays for his own social stuff and transport to work. We will keep paying his phone for the next year until the contract runs out. He also has access to our car which we obviously pay for.

I have told him he will need to contribute in some way as child benefit stops this month. We wouldn’t expect him to pay a lot in the way of board (any suggestions?) but we aren’t rolling in money.

We had a rare family holiday this year and also had several big family events and weddings that had rolled forward because of Covid, so it’s been a hefty year financially. The family commitments involved long weekends away, suit hire/purchase, meals out, stag dos etc and we’ve paid for all of it; all we asked was that our son buys his own beer.

So:

AIBU for asking for a contribution to board now he’s working and left education?

How much would people suggest we ask for?

When should we stop paying for all the stuff that’s just for him likes clothes etc? Obviously we will still feed him!

I would really love to just keep supporting him but it’s a struggle. Thanks for taking the time to read.

He got good GCSEs (all 5s and 6s) and was doing well at college until things went bottoms up.

Great, good he’s got those under his belt.

what was his response when you said you expected him to contribute?

Thanks so much for your message. He did well at school and got 5s and 6s in everything, it was at college that things changed. I’m confident he’ll find a new path 😊

@Fisifoofoo you say he's not on minimum wage but somewhere else you say he's on £9 per hour which is actually less than minimum wage..?

18-20 min wage is £6.83

He’s only eighteen, there is plenty of time and there will be plenty of opportunities for him to choose a different direction later.

There are so many ways to do well without a strong academic background, and it’s unbelievably closed-minded of the posters on here writing them off. They probably have children with shit degrees who are upset that others didn’t make the same mistake.

He can start off just doing his current job well, and work towards a promotion and higher money while exploring his other options. There are apprenticeships available or adult learning courses, which can open up the way into a trade with extremely good earning opportunities.

As I’ve posted elsewhere, my husband goes away with a club he’s in where members tend to have to be extremely well-off to join. Most others there are not in professional careers, they install industrial lighting, or have a plumbing firm, or do factory maintenance.

@Endlesslypatient82 ah thank you

Doesn't irritate me I think it's absolutely right and proper.

As I’ve posted elsewhere, my husband goes away with a club he’s in where members tend to have to be extremely well-off to join. Most others there are not in professional careers, they install industrial lighting, or have a plumbing firm, or do factory maintenance.

how old is your husband?

when I went to private school back in 80s/90s - the parents were GPs, local solicitors etc

Now at my children’s private school - the landscape of professions that can afford £30k tax free a year is most definitely not these professions (not me that pays btw! Ex!)

When are posters going to realise that the world we live is almost unrecognisable from 20/30 years and sadly it has changed most definitely not in favour of our children / teens

He’s mid forties.

You are simply wrong here, you can still become very successful in a trade, and even professionally without a degree.

I think that now you’ve mentioned private school I can maybe see why you have a bit of a bee in your bonnet here; you’d like to feel that you are buying something valuable for your own children, and are not happy at the idea that they may be out-earned by people without their advantages.

I am new here, but was seeking peoples’s thoughts on whether I would be unreasonable to ask my son for financial contribution. Apologies if I’m not an expert at this, we all have to start somewhere.

We’re not on the breadline but money is very tight. We planned a rare family holiday a long time ago (2019) that by the time it came around put us in an awkward spot, but we weren’t going to cancel what will be our last time going away as a family. For context it was a caravan holiday, not an expensive package deal, but to us it was a lot in the end.

Also because of Covid several close family weddings / celebrations have all landed in this year, all of which involve travelling and staying away, again we’ve had to bite the bullet to attend and that’s hit the finances hard. I only mentioned these to illustrate how we have paid out for a great many things throughout the year and all we asked my son to buy was his beer.

I appreciate you putting across your opinions, but you’ve made a huge amount of assumptions about me and my son, and have come across very negative and to be fair a bit pompous and mean.

My question was about whether I should ask my son to pay his way, I wasn’t asking people whether they thought he was a deadbeat that had written off his future and was destined for a poor life. 🙄

OP, I would discuss it with him. He should now be paying for everything and you shouldn't if you can't afford it.

if he can't afford to pay you a small amount to live at home then he certainly won't afford to be able to move out, so he needs to count himself lucky.

Ignore all the "oh I would never charge my child rent" comments, as we all live different lives with different finances.

Also, ignore all the comments about how he will never amount to anything. I didn't go to college or university, and I got a qualification in later years, which is equivalent to a degree and now I earn a decent amount and run a successful business. Each path is different and we don't all get there the same way.

Once he has reset as you say, he can consider apprenticeships etc and if you can talk to him about this, you can help him to find something suitable. I know several friends DC who are doing degrees via apprenticeship having never gone to Uni.

Goodness you don’t sound at all pleasant!

Op is there a reason why you won’t answer what your son’s response was to you asking for a contribution?

As I’ve posted elsewhere, my husband goes away with a club he’s in where members tend to have to be extremely well-off to join. Most others there are not in professional careers, they install industrial lighting, or have a plumbing firm, or do factory maintenance.

of course you can

but do you honestly not read / watch the news / discuss with colleagues and friends - how young people today are facing a much much more challenging work environment and financial landscape.

You can’t open a paper without an article about it.

My question was about whether I should ask my son to pay his way, I wasn’t asking people whether they thought he was a deadbeat that had written off his future and was destined for a poor life.

oh dear god OP

Actually read my posts! 😂

My parent cut me off from anything but buss pass at 16. Then anything at all at 18 and began to charge me rent. I got a job at 15 and started buying my own clothes and cooking my own food. At 18 when asked for rent I moved out to live alone. Starting to think I had it really rough. I'm glad though because I liked being independent early on.

I think paying for his haircuts at that age is strange to be honest but it's probably just a different time.

As soon as I finished full-time education and started working, my parents asked for a contribution towards “housekeeping”. They asked for 1/3 of what I earned each month, with the idea that I’d spend 1/3 and save 1/3.

Most months, of course, I spent 2/3 and saved absolutely nothing but it was actually very good practice for when I eventually moved into my own place as the rent was a hefty chunk of my monthly salary and I wasn’t thrown by this or surprised at all.

I did, all of them. Maybe you should read them again yourself with a different set of eyes.

Actually, I missed it the first time you asked, but having seen your responses since then I declined to answer when you asked again because I find you rather judgemental and opinionated to be honest.

You’re not the only one.

The hypocrisy 🙄

Our GP referred ds1 to dermatology dept at hospital. Push to get his skin sorted. Then push navy, I bet you can get him in.

He pays board each week. so that goes toward household bills like morthage, electricity food etc then he pays for his own stuff !! Like clothes, phone, haircuts, toiletries

Gosh I had a house at 17 with my DH. Wish I was at home keeping all my money to myself to haha your not been unreasonable op!!

I’m having the same dilemma @Fisifoofoo and DH and I are just figuring out numbers. We’re considering whether it would be best to keep it deliberately low (£20 a week), just so he gets into the habit, or whether to make it a % if his wage…maybe 10-20% a month?