Expecting working 18 year old to pay his way

[Fisifoofoo]

My 18 year old son finished college this year and is now working at a local hotel. It was a part time job but is now supposed to be full time as he won’t be going to higher education - so this is it, he’s now in the workforce and is an adult. At home there is myself, my husband and a 16 year old in further education and we are finding money is really tight at the moment.

At what point do we stop paying for our son? I don’t mean food and household stuff, I mean his haircuts, clothes, prescriptions etc? He is working and wants to be treated as an adult, I think he should pay for anything that’s for him. We used to pay his gym and rugby membership before covid but think if he decides to rejoin now he should pay for it himself. We also had to cancel Disney+ and Netflix etc because of the expense, so if he wants to sign up again himself then that’s up to him.

He already pays for his own social stuff and transport to work. We will keep paying his phone for the next year until the contract runs out. He also has access to our car which we obviously pay for.

I have told him he will need to contribute in some way as child benefit stops this month. We wouldn’t expect him to pay a lot in the way of board (any suggestions?) but we aren’t rolling in money.

We had a rare family holiday this year and also had several big family events and weddings that had rolled forward because of Covid, so it’s been a hefty year financially. The family commitments involved long weekends away, suit hire/purchase, meals out, stag dos etc and we’ve paid for all of it; all we asked was that our son buys his own beer.

So:

AIBU for asking for a contribution to board now he’s working and left education?

How much would people suggest we ask for?

When should we stop paying for all the stuff that’s just for him likes clothes etc? Obviously we will still feed him!

I would really love to just keep supporting him but it’s a struggle. Thanks for taking the time to read.

And as he progressed @StillHappy my expectations would change

but based on the facts of this OP’s son and her question re charging now? you would charge substantially. I wouldn’t

Prescient - he may mode professions as you say. And adjust accordingly! Precisely my point!

DS18 works part time, just did his A levels this year, and is going to uni next month. He pays for his own car, clothes, hair cuts, gym membership etc. I don't ask him to contribute to household expenses as he's saving up to move out. I would though if he was in full time employment and decided to stay at home.

I’ve got to go now as cooking my two teens a curry. They didn’t contribute a penny to it

ducks for cover from @StillHappy

Our still at home adult children pay keep plus pay for everything they want outside the house for themselves. We take them for a meal out sometimes! The keep is low ish but depending on income. I do not want my young people incapable of budgeting or unprepared for adult life, nor do I want them to develop an entitled attitude. I cook family meals still, as I'm cooking for everyone, but if they don't like it they often shop for (less healthy 🤣) options for themselves.

This is where we are now, my eldest is 18 and has been working for a while. It was more part time while he was in 6th form but now he has left and is working more hours. He pays £40 a month at the moment and pays for anything he needs (hair, clothes, extra food,phone, driving lessons). Once I no longer get child benefit for him he will be asked to pay more.

He obviously doesn't have loads of costs whilst he is here so he is saving too.

I'm not happy about the idea of him being written off because he isn't going to university, he doesn't want to right now but he could still do anything and have a great future and go back to education when he is older. He is only 18!

Crikey, I stopped paying for both my sons personal things such as haircuts, clothes, mobiles etc as soon as they both got their first part time jobs at 16. One is now at Uni and the other in his last year of college and they still pay for their own personal item and social spending, inc petrol and their car insurance.

once they are both in full time work and, assuming they will live at home for a bit, they will defo be paying their way at home. I Won’t be asking to make a profit from them living at home but they 100% will be needing to contribute towards what they use in terms of food and household bills

Unfortunately there is no possibility of him being admitted (it was the Royal Navy). The condition and effect on his career plan knocked him sideways and he didn’t end up passing his course. He’s now working while he decides what direction to take for the future.

Thanks for the suggestion though, much appreciated

Thanks for your message.

I don’t believe that not having a degree or other higher qualification means that my son will have limited earning potential. Several friends/family members didn’t go to uni but worked their way up to good jobs and have successful careers.

I’m confident that my son’s resourcefulness and determination will stand him in good stead once he finds his new path. In the meantime he’s working hard and keeping himself busy.

I know this is going to sound very defensive, but he hasn’t ‘joined a low paying industry’ as a career move, he’s just upped his hours in the part time job he already had while he was at college (rather than being out of education and unemployed) and I don’t believe that going to uni is the be all and end all.

I am confident that plenty of opportunities will be available for someone that is still hard working and resourceful despite the setbacks he’s had.

Sadly he didn’t pass his college course - getting his skin condition and his navy career going up in smoke knocked him for six.

An apprenticeship is a possibility once he has reset and found a new direction.

Thanks for your message.

Thanks, my feelings exactly 😊

Until last month he was still in college, under 18 and I’m still getting child benefit for him until the end of the month. So until now I haven’t even considered asking him for any money, as he was a child.

Thanks for your message.

Working in hospitality was a part time job (albeit on plenty of hours), but will keep him going until he’s able to find a new path for his future.

Sadly he didn’t pass his course due to what happened with his health, so I expect he’ll try and find a new direction.

Bit harsh imo
I would have resented my parents for it for sure and moved out

And what do weddings have to do with it.

If he doesn’t start learning life ain’t free,when does it start?

Why would you presume he has a couple of thousand pounds in a child trust account? Hi

Sorry, I was just giving context that we’ve paid for lots of big events this year and even though he’s working full time the only thing we’ve asked him to pay for is his beer.

He’s not on minimum wage, and we are finding things really tight just now. At the end of the month it’ll be even tighter when child benefit stops.

I would love to be able to afford to support him until he finds a place of his own in future, but we are not that well placed financially. My son actually brings home more than my husband who can only work part time due to ill health.

At 18, I would expect him to pay most of his own expenses like clothes, phone, days out, alcohol etc. If he borrows your car, I would expect him to put petrol or diesel in it too. I might cover insurance, but it depends on if it’s monthly or annually paid and who uses the car more. I would also expect him to sort out his own lunches for work, and potentially breakfast/ dinner if he doesn’t eat with family.
Rent is a bit different and depends what his long term plans are and how much you are struggling. I might give him a couple of months to build up a safety net, but a contribution is reasonable considering his salary and especially if he doesn’t plan on moving out any time soon.

I missed that he has what sounds like quite a debilitating skin condition.

if he failed his course, does he have any qualifications to his name whatsoever?

perhaps offer to pay for him to at least retake gcse maths and English is he failed these two

It is one thing not to go to university OP

But if he failed his course, then it is quite another to have no qualifications whatsoever to your name

They need to pay something to learn the value of money. All families circumstances are different. You don’t have the luxury of letting him stay for free.

If your DS has below a grade C in maths and English he should be able to study these for free at an adult/further education centre.

We do charge DS and we don’t need to, I know we are lucky. I’m sure some will view this as harsh. He will be given it back towards his house deposit but we haven’t told him.

But what are you actually teaching them? Mum and dad won’t tell you how they are managing your finances and then give you a lump sum when they think you’re a big enough boy to handle it (despite fact you are employed and being paid).

Sorry that was for @Adversity

don’t charge rent or do charge rent.

but to squirrel away money that your adult child gives you for board and then present them with it as a nest egg is hardly teaching them the value of things!