Expecting working 18 year old to pay his way

[Fisifoofoo]

My 18 year old son finished college this year and is now working at a local hotel. It was a part time job but is now supposed to be full time as he won’t be going to higher education - so this is it, he’s now in the workforce and is an adult. At home there is myself, my husband and a 16 year old in further education and we are finding money is really tight at the moment.

At what point do we stop paying for our son? I don’t mean food and household stuff, I mean his haircuts, clothes, prescriptions etc? He is working and wants to be treated as an adult, I think he should pay for anything that’s for him. We used to pay his gym and rugby membership before covid but think if he decides to rejoin now he should pay for it himself. We also had to cancel Disney+ and Netflix etc because of the expense, so if he wants to sign up again himself then that’s up to him.

He already pays for his own social stuff and transport to work. We will keep paying his phone for the next year until the contract runs out. He also has access to our car which we obviously pay for.

I have told him he will need to contribute in some way as child benefit stops this month. We wouldn’t expect him to pay a lot in the way of board (any suggestions?) but we aren’t rolling in money.

We had a rare family holiday this year and also had several big family events and weddings that had rolled forward because of Covid, so it’s been a hefty year financially. The family commitments involved long weekends away, suit hire/purchase, meals out, stag dos etc and we’ve paid for all of it; all we asked was that our son buys his own beer.

So:

AIBU for asking for a contribution to board now he’s working and left education?

How much would people suggest we ask for?

When should we stop paying for all the stuff that’s just for him likes clothes etc? Obviously we will still feed him!

I would really love to just keep supporting him but it’s a struggle. Thanks for taking the time to read.

If he's working full time he pays everything himself. If you can afford it don't charge him board if you don't want to but hair, clothes, phone, medication etc he has to pay for.

I would say that 18 is very young to be contributing to the household these days,

Not if he is working full time it isn't, age is irrelevant. Also, why would OP ask if he would like to contribute? What if he says "no thanks, I'd prefer to keep all my money for myself while the household struggles on"?

Not only are you NBU but I actually think that by continuing to pay for everything you would be doing him à disservice as not preparing him for life as a grown adult.

😂😂😂

This.

I wouldn't ever charge a dc board and lodge to live in their own family home. Particularly as he will be on minimum wage.

Just agree he pays all his own way regarding social activities, phone, clubs etc and you pay the bills which you would do if he were living there or not.

Is higher education definitely not an option? Or a apprenticeship or similar? Many regret the decision and now is the time to opt for the opportunity of a higher wage in the future. I’d not be bank rolling him personally. I’d make him realise how expensive life is.

I paid weekly ‘housekeeping’ to my Mum, as did all my friends, as soon as I was earning. I was earning rubbish money (even for the time compared to friends, over 30 years ago) but still paid £10 a week (it was a 6th of my wage). I paid for everything else I needed … lunch at work, fares, prescriptions, clothes, transport, going out. Then bought my first car etc myself. My friend’s son pays £25 a week and will pay more as soon as he gets a rise . I have other friends whose kids pay for the weekly food shop instead etc. But all my friends’ kids pay at least something.

If he’s happy to contribute (he might ask for a few months breathing space first- which if you can I think you should give him) ask him how much he would like to give.

What the actual fuck, breathing space from what? What if he says he doesn't want to contribute or wants to contribute a fiver?

The OP says she needs it (hosting another adult is expensive, especially with inflation) but even if she didn't it does them good. It will still be the time where her son has the least responsibility and most disposal income. It does no-one and favours to treat adults like children.

Mine was giving 50 a week plus paid for driving lessons,mobile phone,lunches travel clothes and toiletries.
He has just left home and I know reality will bite.
My dm took 25% which was harsh but taught me the value of money young.

When DD1 was in that situation we didn't charge food/rent/toothpaste but she paid for everything else. But if you need/want rent on top of that, I don't think it would be unreasonable.

He will pay for everything himself as previous posters said.

I’ll add that he needs to put away some money in some sort of a savings account towards rent so he clearly understands what his salary looks like in real life.

I have a cousin who was on minimum wage who used to think he was rolling in money. He obviously lived with his parents. It’s crippled his mental growth, he could never become a proper adult or move out (or get a partner) as he was used to not paying for any life expenses.

my best friend stayed with her parents until she got married at 30. By then she saved tons and bought a nice house !

it depends on how you steer this OP.

I have DS(23) still living at home. He pays £175/month. This gives him free access to family food and drink, share in family takeaways etc.

He pays for all his own clothes, haircuts, hobbies. He does his own laundry. Does chores if asked. Buys his own takeaways if he doesnt fancy what we are having.

This is a temporary arrangement. DS has applied for armed forces and the application has stalled a number of times.

Pays for everything for himself including petrol and contributes 20% of his wages to board and food (but if he eats a lot of snacks he pays for them).

You could choose to save some of it for a deposit if you can afford to.

Why the hurry for higher education if he's not interested at the moment?
Surely better to get some life experience under his belt and return to education in future if/when he knows what he wants to do.

When I started working full time I paid £100 a month rent. They also paid for my car, about £2000 if I remember, and I paid them back another £100 a month until that was paid back. I paid for all clothes, haircuts etc myself. Think I was on about £750 a month.

@WhereTheLightningBugsBlaze - I was on similar to this. My parents put aside the cash I paid for rent and it was returned as a cash gift when I got married (same for my siblings).

It was, I think, an example of parenting at its finest - make me be financially responsible but use the money to execute an act of love. Try to live up to their standards (not always easy)

I would not charge him for rent or food - though the food is on my terms in the sense that he can join the meals I'm going to make anyway, but I'm not adding items just for him to the shopping list (within reason, so if he prefers mature cheddar and I don't mind either way then OK). Using the car would be fine also - but it's occasional or he puts fuel in.

Everything else is up to him. But, hotel work is not lucrative, especially as a teenager and so I might help here and there, assuming (and this is the important part!) he is respecting my house, my boundaries and my generosity. If I sense entitlement, that's not going to work.

But! If you genuinely need him to chip in to keep a warm roof over his head, then that's what he has to do.

Thanks so much for all your comments, I’m sorry I can’t reply to them all individually.

So, higher education isn’t an option as college didn’t work out for him. His career path of joining the armed forces was ended when he developed a skin condition a year ago - even though its now under control he will never be able to sign up. So it’s time for a plan b, but he’s working in the meantime which is good.

He earns £9 per hour plus tips, I reckon he’s bringing home around £1000 a month but it varies due to how many shifts he gets (and he’s not started paying into a pension yet). I don’t think this is bad for an 18 year old - he’s worked part time since he was 16 and since he was 17 he has been on many more hours as college was only 3 days a week.

I know he puts money away and he is saving up to eventually buy his own car, apart from socialising (limited because of his weekend bar work) he doesn’t seem to spend an awful lot.

I know it will come as a shock to him that he will have to start paying his way. When I cancelled Netflix and told him he could sign up himself he was gobsmacked! But, having read your messages I think it is time.

Thanks again, very much appreciated. 💚

My 18 year old is about to start an apprenticeship.
Hes going to pay about 1/4 of his wages for house keeping.
He'll also have car insurance as he just passed his test and he'll have to but all his own clothes, shoes, hair cuts social life etc. I'm also hoping he'll save a bit.

Im going to help him with his budgeting for the first while and hopefully he'll get the hang of it.
He'll take home about €350 per week so he will easily be able to support himself.
I'm always surprised at parents on here who don't ask their working children for housekeeping. I don't know why you wouldn't. It helps to teach them to budget and the value of money.

I'm honestly utterly baffled by the idea that he doesn't pay his way. Obviously he needs to - that's part of the deal of being an adult surely??

I left home for uni at 18 and my parents earnt little enough that in those days I got a grant+ the full loan. They bought me a book during my first year of university, as well as Christmas and birthday presents - I paid for everything else myself.

Why not just say he can pay for his own clothes, activities etc but tell him he must save say £200 a month. Has he got savings to add to? I presume as he's 18 you'll have had a child trust account for him so he'll have at least a couple of thousand saved?

He's 18 on minimum wage he needs your support like he would if were at uni and you'd be topping up his maintenance loan for living expenses.

'My 18 year old is about to start an apprenticeship. Hes going to pay about 1/4 of his wages for house keeping.'

A quarter of his wages?! Omg and then people wonder why youngsters can't get on the property ladder. Deposits. They need to be saving for deposits, parents should be helping not charging their kids who are earning peanuts.

We literally had this conversation in bed last night, our children aren’t old enough yet but we said if we were finically stable we wouldn’t charge rent etc. however I would expect them to pay for their own clothes / clubs / bus fare etc.

if we were struggling more finically I think asking for £100 board would be nice. Enough they can still save for their future but not the same as moving out into rented.

any extra food they want additional to what you buy they should be funding. Basically you shouldn’t be giving them any money. If anything they should probably be giving you some.

You stop paying for anything that he requires well sort of.

I would see out the phone contract

but I would charge him maybe £75 a week?

also try to encourage him towards a modern apprenticeship to do whatever it was he was going to do in the forces

£9 an hour for the rest of his life isn’t going to be very rewarding

If hes bringing home 1000 a month, I would say he should be paying at least 200/month in board. And pay for all his own wants/needs. Plus helping around the house and cooking dinner one night a week. I think that is all very reasonable to expect at 18.