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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting working 18 year old to pay his way

181 replies

Fisifoofoo · 06/08/2022 01:36

My 18 year old son finished college this year and is now working at a local hotel. It was a part time job but is now supposed to be full time as he won’t be going to higher education - so this is it, he’s now in the workforce and is an adult. At home there is myself, my husband and a 16 year old in further education and we are finding money is really tight at the moment.

At what point do we stop paying for our son? I don’t mean food and household stuff, I mean his haircuts, clothes, prescriptions etc? He is working and wants to be treated as an adult, I think he should pay for anything that’s for him. We used to pay his gym and rugby membership before covid but think if he decides to rejoin now he should pay for it himself. We also had to cancel Disney+ and Netflix etc because of the expense, so if he wants to sign up again himself then that’s up to him.

He already pays for his own social stuff and transport to work. We will keep paying his phone for the next year until the contract runs out. He also has access to our car which we obviously pay for.

I have told him he will need to contribute in some way as child benefit stops this month. We wouldn’t expect him to pay a lot in the way of board (any suggestions?) but we aren’t rolling in money.

We had a rare family holiday this year and also had several big family events and weddings that had rolled forward because of Covid, so it’s been a hefty year financially. The family commitments involved long weekends away, suit hire/purchase, meals out, stag dos etc and we’ve paid for all of it; all we asked was that our son buys his own beer.

So:

AIBU for asking for a contribution to board now he’s working and left education?

How much would people suggest we ask for?

When should we stop paying for all the stuff that’s just for him likes clothes etc? Obviously we will still feed him!

I would really love to just keep supporting him but it’s a struggle. Thanks for taking the time to read.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 06/08/2022 13:03

Pays for everything for himself plus £50 a week for food and board. At least!

Afterfire · 06/08/2022 13:04

mjf981 · 06/08/2022 13:02

If hes bringing home 1000 a month, I would say he should be paying at least 200/month in board. And pay for all his own wants/needs. Plus helping around the house and cooking dinner one night a week. I think that is all very reasonable to expect at 18.

This.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 06/08/2022 13:06

When DD started earning her hours varied so we asked for 20% of her take home pay. She paid for her own clothes/make up/phone contract/fuel for her car.
When she grumbled about the 20% I sat her down & listed all the household bills. I added up what her share would be if we were splitting it equally. It was a lot more than her 20% contribution & the grumbling stopped. She now has her own place & says she is grateful we taught her to budget.

Suedomin · 06/08/2022 13:06

I wouldn't charge him board but he should be paying for his own clothes, phone, etc

NameAlreadyTaken16 · 06/08/2022 13:43

As alot of others have said. £50 a week seems very reasonable. He should pay for all his own clothes and prescription, memberships. I would be tempted to charge him £75-£100 per week and put £50 towards the bills and he rest in savings account for him. That way when he moves or passes driving test ect he has money built up already.

autienotnaughty · 06/08/2022 15:20

I'd say he pays for his own stuff phone, subscriptions etc and 1/3 wage board. For that he gets his food included.

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:21

I have told him he will need to contribute in some way as child benefit stops this mont

but what was his response?!

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:25

Netflix and Disney… do you still have or just took him off the account?

Rugby… I would 100% continue paying for.

He has joined a low paid industry even on management. He has no higher education. OP, the opportunities coming his way are likely to be limited. Personally at this stage, especially as he’s a saver, I would support him as much as possible. Because he does not sound like he will be anywhere near a decent salary to really get moving in life for a long time

StillHappy · 06/08/2022 15:28

Not only is he now an adult with a proper job, he’s also receiving subsidized or free lodging (and board?) from you.

It’d be absolutely normal for him now to pay for absolutely everything that’s just for him (clothes, haircuts, medicine, entertainment, holidays with friends etc) and for him to make at least a nominal contribution to the household for rent, bills and board.

On the other hand, it’d still feel reasonable for you to provide some meals, do some laundry, give him lifts out, take him on family holidays etc.

StillHappy · 06/08/2022 15:32

CakeCrumbs44 · 06/08/2022 07:01

I wouldn't charge for food or rent unless he is on a pretty good wage (I assume he is on the under 21s minimum wage so not a lot)

He’ll be on a minimum of £1,100 per month after tax. For someone with no dependents and who isn’t paying board that’s a lot of money. Asking for £2-300 per month for the room and a share of the bills would not be unreasonable.

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:34

StillHappy · 06/08/2022 15:32

He’ll be on a minimum of £1,100 per month after tax. For someone with no dependents and who isn’t paying board that’s a lot of money. Asking for £2-300 per month for the room and a share of the bills would not be unreasonable.

Show quote history

But my perspective on my children isn’t so short term

Realistically this 18 year has very likited earning potential in the future. No high education and very low paid industry.

id went to support as much as possible especially as he’s a saver

Jux · 06/08/2022 15:35

When I had holiday jobs when I was 14, 15 and 16 I had to contribute a bit to my keep - mum just put it in PO account and when I was struggling to save for something later she took all the money out and gave it to me!

Once I was working ft of course I contributed and paid for everything else myself. Don't treat him like a child, he wants to be treated as an dult - do so.

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:36

It would be a peppercorn contribution here

with his very limited earning potential at the front of my mind

If saw him pissing it up the wall, I would re evaluate!

StillHappy · 06/08/2022 15:37

SueSaid · 06/08/2022 12:55

'My 18 year old is about to start an apprenticeship. Hes going to pay about 1/4 of his wages for house keeping.'

A quarter of his wages?! Omg and then people wonder why youngsters can't get on the property ladder. Deposits. They need to be saving for deposits, parents should be helping not charging their kids who are earning peanuts.

Parents “should” be helping?

Why? Pretty much everyone I know moved away from home at eighteen for education and then never went back. There was no expectation after that that they’d be subsidized by their parents, the view was that their parents had given them all of the tools that they needed by eighteen, and that it was time to leave the nest and learn to fly.

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:40

@StillHappy unless you’re under 25, what happened “in your day” really is irrelevant to today given the economic landscape

StillHappy · 06/08/2022 15:48

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:40

@StillHappy unless you’re under 25, what happened “in your day” really is irrelevant to today given the economic landscape

Of course it isn’t. There was no minimum wage back then, so first jobs were often paid much less than the OP’s son is getting and than is now normal.

If your children haven’t been brought up to be capable of standing on their own two feet as young adults then you have my sympathies, but I stand by my view that it’s not to be encouraged.

USaYwHatNow · 06/08/2022 15:50

From about when I was 16 (I'm the eldest) our parents would pin their bills to the fridge to give us an idea of how much it cost to run the house. When we had part time jobs anything we wanted in terms of extras we covered, day to day expenses were still covered by our parents.

When we qualified in our respective professions (Midwife and Scientist) 10% of our monthly wages went on 'keep'. It was a % as my brother, although 3 years younger, had a higher wage than me lucky bugger, so this was to make it as fair as possible. I bought a house and moved out at 25,and my brother did the same at 24.

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:51

StillHappy · 06/08/2022 15:48

Of course it isn’t. There was no minimum wage back then, so first jobs were often paid much less than the OP’s son is getting and than is now normal.

If your children haven’t been brought up to be capable of standing on their own two feet as young adults then you have my sympathies, but I stand by my view that it’s not to be encouraged.

Show quote history

May I ask how old you are?

i was a teen in the nineties. A world away from todays economic landscape and job market.

most bizarre to think otherwise!

Tiani4 · 06/08/2022 15:55

Wow, my nearly 20 year old at uni has been buying his own clothes, his haircuts, paying his own gym membership and travel since he was 18. Students don't take home anywhere near as much as someone working part time or FT! He paid his travel to and from his part time job 16-18 , half his haircuts (he wanted haircut every 6 weeks), and his socialising money. He took over his own mobile phone bill from 19 when the contract I had ran out but he'd been paying me to contribute towards it anyway from aged 17 (was back then 4x cost of my mobile bill at £44 p month , per month as he wanted a new iPhone on contract at the time, when he took over it was £16 month for sim only )

I buy his food in general when home (he buys extras when he's out if he fancies something I'm not making (he buys his food term time up at Uni but I do a big food shop for him at start of each term)

So all that would be left is when he's working full time he will need to pay some nominal rent at home (which I may set aside for him). I'm surprised your boy thinks he shouldn't have to pay for any of that

My DCs couldn't wait to work part time aged 16 to start to pay for some things themselves and expect to be independent in some areas once 18 even if at uni.

alwaysmovingforwards · 06/08/2022 15:56

excelledyourself · 06/08/2022 01:48

If he's earning full time, why would you even think to be buying his clothes?

He should be taking on all of his expenses now, phone included. Get that transferred.

And he should be paying dig money. Especially if you're struggling. Depends what he's earning, but something should be paid to cover his share of food, gas/electric, etc.

Exactly.

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:57

USaYwHatNow · 06/08/2022 15:50

From about when I was 16 (I'm the eldest) our parents would pin their bills to the fridge to give us an idea of how much it cost to run the house. When we had part time jobs anything we wanted in terms of extras we covered, day to day expenses were still covered by our parents.

When we qualified in our respective professions (Midwife and Scientist) 10% of our monthly wages went on 'keep'. It was a % as my brother, although 3 years younger, had a higher wage than me lucky bugger, so this was to make it as fair as possible. I bought a house and moved out at 25,and my brother did the same at 24.

A midwife buying a property at 25?

Surely you can see that this is a world away from what a 25 year old midwife could possibly afford.

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:59

Tiani4 · 06/08/2022 15:55

Wow, my nearly 20 year old at uni has been buying his own clothes, his haircuts, paying his own gym membership and travel since he was 18. Students don't take home anywhere near as much as someone working part time or FT! He paid his travel to and from his part time job 16-18 , half his haircuts (he wanted haircut every 6 weeks), and his socialising money. He took over his own mobile phone bill from 19 when the contract I had ran out but he'd been paying me to contribute towards it anyway from aged 17 (was back then 4x cost of my mobile bill at £44 p month , per month as he wanted a new iPhone on contract at the time, when he took over it was £16 month for sim only )

I buy his food in general when home (he buys extras when he's out if he fancies something I'm not making (he buys his food term time up at Uni but I do a big food shop for him at start of each term)

So all that would be left is when he's working full time he will need to pay some nominal rent at home (which I may set aside for him). I'm surprised your boy thinks he shouldn't have to pay for any of that

My DCs couldn't wait to work part time aged 16 to start to pay for some things themselves and expect to be independent in some areas once 18 even if at uni.

What opportunities lay before you university student? What degree? Decent uni?

The possibility of your son earning substantially more than the OP’s son - no HE, entering a very low paid industry on the bottom rung, is…. Likely

FreezerOrgReq · 06/08/2022 16:10

A quarter of take home pay I believe has long been the recommended amount.

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 16:10

FreezerOrgReq · 06/08/2022 16:10

A quarter of take home pay I believe has long been the recommended amount.

By whom?

StillHappy · 06/08/2022 16:14

Endlesslypatient82 · 06/08/2022 15:51

May I ask how old you are?

i was a teen in the nineties. A world away from todays economic landscape and job market.

most bizarre to think otherwise!

Show quote history

No-one in my extended family is living at home last twenty. The graduates I employ at work rarely are.

The OP’s son is on £9 per hour, plus tips. Fir a 40 hour week that’s £20,000 per year. Suggesting that the OP should continue to struggle while her son lives the high life is not reasonable.