Expecting working 18 year old to pay his way

[Fisifoofoo]

My 18 year old son finished college this year and is now working at a local hotel. It was a part time job but is now supposed to be full time as he won’t be going to higher education - so this is it, he’s now in the workforce and is an adult. At home there is myself, my husband and a 16 year old in further education and we are finding money is really tight at the moment.

At what point do we stop paying for our son? I don’t mean food and household stuff, I mean his haircuts, clothes, prescriptions etc? He is working and wants to be treated as an adult, I think he should pay for anything that’s for him. We used to pay his gym and rugby membership before covid but think if he decides to rejoin now he should pay for it himself. We also had to cancel Disney+ and Netflix etc because of the expense, so if he wants to sign up again himself then that’s up to him.

He already pays for his own social stuff and transport to work. We will keep paying his phone for the next year until the contract runs out. He also has access to our car which we obviously pay for.

I have told him he will need to contribute in some way as child benefit stops this month. We wouldn’t expect him to pay a lot in the way of board (any suggestions?) but we aren’t rolling in money.

We had a rare family holiday this year and also had several big family events and weddings that had rolled forward because of Covid, so it’s been a hefty year financially. The family commitments involved long weekends away, suit hire/purchase, meals out, stag dos etc and we’ve paid for all of it; all we asked was that our son buys his own beer.

So:

AIBU for asking for a contribution to board now he’s working and left education?

How much would people suggest we ask for?

When should we stop paying for all the stuff that’s just for him likes clothes etc? Obviously we will still feed him!

I would really love to just keep supporting him but it’s a struggle. Thanks for taking the time to read.

He should pay for his own things.

Does he have a LD?
You might encourage him to try another course for something in a year or two.
Not everyone's brain matures at the same time and he may be able to successfully do a course in a year or two.

The suggestions given on this thread, as well as what OP has suggested, mean the son would still be getting a better deal living at home than moving out.
Why on earth is it "harsh" to expect him to pay his way, now he's an adult and earning? No wonder so many people have zero money management skills, end up in debt, can't budget.

This thread has gone bananas. I wonder how some posters think people manage on low incomes when they have rent and bills to pay alone? Or why the pressure to immediately go into education or training aged 18 as if there's never going to be another chance, or before they're really committed to what they want to do (/have the motivation after living on a low income!)

OP, your sone sounds great. Getting on with what he can do at present - upping his hours at work - whilst he figures out what to do next, after a difficult setback. There's plenty of time for further education or training. Maths and English might be the thing to focus on first, and anything more specific when he's figured out what. It's ok if he doesn't have his entire life plan figured out at 18. 🙄

My son actually brings home more than my husband who can only work part time due to ill health.

I think in that case it's reasonable to make your DS aware of how much bills cost and ask him to contribute - especially with the raise in fuel bills. I think possibly a % of the food and fuel bill as they would be less if your DS would be living elsewhere.

I do think some people on this thread must live in cloud cooktop land - not everyone is academically able enough to go to uni or pass maths and English GCSE, but it doesn't mean they can't work their way up to a reasonable level in the service industry, and will one day be able to support themselves financially. These people walk amongst us in society and every day

Give it a rest.

He's 18 and gaining work experience. He can come back to qualifications if and when he feels ready.

Plenty of people do very well in life without a uni or college education at 18, or indeed any age.

I didn't pay for anything outwith .birthdays,Christmas the odd treat for dc past 18 . He wants a haircut he pays for it , why are you still paying out for him?

My point is that this 18 year old

seems to have a serious skin condition
failed his course and so seems to have no qualifications to his name
has entered one of the lowest paid industries in this country

The world is not exactly his oyster and if i was his parent, I would probably be supporting him saving at this time of his life as much as possible.

but that seems to irritate some posters 😐

He's 18 on minimum wage he needs your support like he would if were at uni and you'd be topping up his maintenance loan for living expenses

He's slightly about min but age and if her were at uni he's get max maintenance loan, would have had to go to uni where he could afford accommodation and would probably need to work part time. Not all parents can help their student children through uni ) Going to uni on very little money is possible as my DS did it.

But presumably you're in a position to do that - OP is saying she isn't as money is very tight. I'm sure if OP was rolling in it she'd be happy to continue supporting her son, but the fact is she isn't.

'Why would you presume he has a couple of thousand pounds in a child trust account?'

Because he is 18. They were issued 18yrs ago so even if you'd only put in a tenner a month he'd have 2k to add to.

He needs to pay for his own extras and luxuries but not rent, let him try and save.

This!

What's irritating is that you seem to be writing him off at 18, and implying that you're better than OP, because you can obviously afford to support him in a different way from her.

If the op can’t, she can’t. In which case, there is no AIBU about it.

but she is “we are not rolling in it” which lead me to believe that it wasn’t quite so cut and dry as that

Oh good heavens no!

I am not writing off the boy / adult. I am looking at the facts and recognising that he is entering a very very difficult economic landscape and he doesn’t have much going in his favour as it currently stands. Those facts would impact how much I would ask of him.

In her very first post, she said money is very tight at the moment!

@Fisifoofoo DS had a similar disappointment regarding the armed forces and did the same, took a bar job to give him time to rethink.

A year later he started as an apprentice electrician through a friend of mine.

25 years later he has a degree in electrical engineering which he did through OU and earns fifty thousand a year. Don't let people tell you he can't fo well.

As for the rest I was a single parent at the time and DS paid be 25% of his wages to cover household stuff snd paid for all his own wants. I tried to put some of it away ( couldn't always) and gave it back to him as a deposit for his first rental.

Thank you!

baffled how it seems to irritate so many posters!

Yes but then lists holidays and weddings and weekends away and says they’re “not rolling in it”. Plus she is posting in AIBU.

if it if financially not possible to support someone then of course there’s no AIBU about it!

but why post in AIBU if there was no possibility of supporting unless there was 😐

Why would you presume he has a couple of thousand pounds in a child trust account?'

Because he is 18. They were issued 18yrs ago so even if you'd only put in a tenner a month he'd have 2k to add to.

Some people couldn't/wouldn't pay regularly into the trust accounts - I didn't and I'm glad because my DS pissed his up against the wall (IMO) If I'd gone without when DS was younger for him to waste the money, I'd have been disappointed. 18yos don't always make the wisest choices. (As an aside, the little that was in the trust account did very well!)

@Endlesslypatient82

Because sometimes people need a little reassurance that it's understandable why they are making a choice, even when it's not the one they wish to make. Again, something made clear in the OP - she wishes she could continue to support him, but she can't.

Then AIBU, by it’s very title a forum for debating, was not her best bet.

Money or Parenting or Chat perhaps

Well yes, I'm sure she's learned her lesson well from you.

of you actually bother to read my posts before getting on your high horse you will see if have not even remotely criticised the Op. Not once. Not even close. I have just put a different perspective across that you disagree with and seem to have seen shadows as a result!

I am confident that plenty of opportunities will be available for someone that is still hard working and resourceful despite the setbacks he’s had.

You're absolutely right. Continue to ignore the posters here who have a very narrow perspective. I'm sure he'll understand the difficulties you're having. Especially as child benefit is ending. And want to do his bit when he has a think about it.

Thanks so much, that’s really reassuring, he has done so well 💚

I have told him he will need to contribute in some way as child benefit stops this month.

and what was his response?