I’m really too old for this realisation.
I was 40 this year, I’ve been married nearly two decades, I have three children, two primary aged and one secondary aged.
I love my husband but I’m not sure I’ve ever been attracted to him. I thought I was… and all my friends moaned about having to have sex with their partners / husbands so I thought my lack of sex drive was normal. Now I’m not so sure.
I thought a long time ago that I might be gay but I was able to ignore it and it’s only been the last couple of years that it’s become more difficult to ignore. I’ve spoken to my husband about it but he says I am just depressed and when I’m not depressed I will want to have sex. He says if I were gay I’d not have got married and have had three children.
I am worried that I am depressed because I am gay and having to act straight. It’s definitely been a gradual realisation. When I look at how I felt about famous people - I’d just pick a random man out of a boyband etc and pretend to be interested like everyone else but I wasn’t actually interested. The difficulty is that I love my husband and my children but that since this has become evident having sex has become more and more difficult. I have to really make myself or get drunk first. It can’t be nice for him to feel I don’t want him either.
He is angry - understandably - but I swear I didn’t seek to lie or mislead him. My family is religious and I knew on some level that it would be impossible for me to be gay when I was younger. He comments that now I give off a ‘lesbian vibe’ and other women look at me. I find that hard, I’m not sure it’s true. I look the same as I always did.
I worry that I am wrong though. What if this isn’t what’s missing? What if I’m just having a mid-life crisis? I’ve read stuff that says people who are straight are just straight and don’t question it, is that true? I would prefer to be straight and yet this is keeping me awake at night, worrying.
It sounds dramatic but I feel I can either sacrifice myself or my husband and children. And even if I am gay, how much does it matter? Does it matter at all?
My children probably wouldn’t be thrilled with a gay mother, especially my oldest. The easiest thing is to try and ignore it again but I’m selfishly finding that really hard.
it feels so unfair, for all of us.
I feel 90% certain I’m gay but how can I know for sure?
AIBU?
To worry I’m wrong about being gay?
Barbiehouseandpool · 05/08/2022 18:31
Barbiehouseandpool · 05/08/2022 18:37
I don’t exactly fancy women when I’m just out and about.
It’s more that I’ve had intense friendships that I’ve been very invested in. When I’ve got to know a woman I’ve started to feel attracted to them. I don’t just fancy women without knowing them.
This makes it more confusing.
But I don’t find men attractive at all, in any capacity.
cookiecreammmpie · 05/08/2022 18:52
I think you can find women attractive but what it comes down to is how does the thought of sex with a woman make you feel? Do you masturbate to naked women? Do you like boobs and vaginas? If not then is there a chance you're on the asexual spectrum? Sorry to be crude but I do think that's what it comes down to. I am bisexual. I fancy men and women and I've had sex with both. I prefer men though, I'm married to a man and I've got no desire to be with a woman in the same way as I'd not cheat with a guy. You don't need to label yourself but I think the only way to know for sure is to explore further.
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SarahAndQuack · 05/08/2022 19:05
I cross posted with @ShinyMe and absolutely agree with her.
(Incidentally, and I don't mean this in a snippy way but am genuinely curious - I would like to know if the posters asking if the OP fantasises/dreams about sex with women, or naked women's bodies, are lesbians who've come out later in life?)
Elsiebear90 · 05/08/2022 19:14
I’m a lesbian, I came out in my twenties, so not late in life really, but later than a lot of lesbians I know. I was in denial for a very long time, but had fantasised exclusively about women for as long as I can remember. Convinced myself it was normal for straight women to do that though!
SarahAndQuack · 05/08/2022 19:05
I cross posted with @ShinyMe and absolutely agree with her.
(Incidentally, and I don't mean this in a snippy way but am genuinely curious - I would like to know if the posters asking if the OP fantasises/dreams about sex with women, or naked women's bodies, are lesbians who've come out later in life?)
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