To worry I’m wrong about being gay?

[Barbiehouseandpool]

I’m really too old for this realisation.
I was 40 this year, I’ve been married nearly two decades, I have three children, two primary aged and one secondary aged.
I love my husband but I’m not sure I’ve ever been attracted to him. I thought I was… and all my friends moaned about having to have sex with their partners / husbands so I thought my lack of sex drive was normal. Now I’m not so sure.
I thought a long time ago that I might be gay but I was able to ignore it and it’s only been the last couple of years that it’s become more difficult to ignore. I’ve spoken to my husband about it but he says I am just depressed and when I’m not depressed I will want to have sex. He says if I were gay I’d not have got married and have had three children.
I am worried that I am depressed because I am gay and having to act straight. It’s definitely been a gradual realisation. When I look at how I felt about famous people - I’d just pick a random man out of a boyband etc and pretend to be interested like everyone else but I wasn’t actually interested. The difficulty is that I love my husband and my children but that since this has become evident having sex has become more and more difficult. I have to really make myself or get drunk first. It can’t be nice for him to feel I don’t want him either.
He is angry - understandably - but I swear I didn’t seek to lie or mislead him. My family is religious and I knew on some level that it would be impossible for me to be gay when I was younger. He comments that now I give off a ‘lesbian vibe’ and other women look at me. I find that hard, I’m not sure it’s true. I look the same as I always did.

I worry that I am wrong though. What if this isn’t what’s missing? What if I’m just having a mid-life crisis? I’ve read stuff that says people who are straight are just straight and don’t question it, is that true? I would prefer to be straight and yet this is keeping me awake at night, worrying.
It sounds dramatic but I feel I can either sacrifice myself or my husband and children. And even if I am gay, how much does it matter? Does it matter at all?
My children probably wouldn’t be thrilled with a gay mother, especially my oldest. The easiest thing is to try and ignore it again but I’m selfishly finding that really hard.
it feels so unfair, for all of us.

I feel 90% certain I’m gay but how can I know for sure?

I agree with you that yes, sexuality is about sexual feelings. But I think with many who come out later in life, the sexual feelings really do take some considerable time to develop. The way we're conditioned by society and life, accepting and admitting these sexual feelings towards the same sex often don't come easily, and it often takes time. I spent a good 8-10 years thinking I was asexual - I'd been in relationships with men before that, and then felt I was no longer interested as I didn't enjoy the sex and didn't really like them that much, and felt I was better on my own. I rarely had any sexual feelings at all during that time. Then I had a bit of a revelation, and started considering whether I was actually gay (in fact, I wondered if i was bi first, and dismissed that pretty quickly because the thought of seeing another naked man, eww!) and while I was working it out in my head, the sexual feelings towards women took a good year or two to properly develop in my head and for me to allow myself to actually experience them, without repressing them and telling myself they weren't normal. So it's unlikely that OP can easily go from being in a hetero marriage to deciding she wants to have sex with a woman (and feel able to visualise what that might look and feel like) in a short space of time.

OP, I agree with others that have said that you need to consider the relationship you're in, and your feelings about your sexuality, as two separate things. I recommend a session with a therapist or LGBTQ+ counsellor - in my area we have an LGBTQ+ society which is a charity, and they have workers who can help and advise. Fairly early on, I emailed them and had a session on zoom with a really nice lady who asked lots of questions that I hadn't considered, and who listened and didn't judge and just let me work through a few things. She was excellent and it really helped.

In my area they have groups as well, where you can meet people and talk. I haven't been yet, because I keep chickening out, but I suppose I should.

Not being sexually attracted to men doesn't automatically mean you are sexually attracted to women. There's a lot of other labels you could put on it (asexual, demisexual, sapiosexual etc.), but what it comes down to is that being not-straight is not the same as being gay. For you personally, rather than wondering about being gay, I would concentrate on the relationship you're in - ask yourself do you love him romantically (apart from the sex), do you want to work on the relationship, or do you think the sexual part is an insurmountable problem?

I have to be honest and say I’d even have conversion therapy if a) I could find anywhere that offered it and b) I thought it would work.
Id never ever suggest it to anyone else and think it’s horrific but I’d still give it a try if there were a 1% chance it would work and I could stay married. I mean I could stay married regardless - but the sex is damaging me and it isn’t fair for my husband crucially.

The internalised homophobia in you is off the scale, eh?

Go for it if you can @ShinyMe - may be beneficial and you may get to talk to others with similar experiences.

Certainly seems that way - think @AgnestaVipers has a point there! I had real problems with internalised homophobia in past too. Is there anyone you could talk to for support with this OP?

Can you imagine yourself being very intimate with a women? Kissing them, giving them oral sex etc?

Why did you get with your husband if you don’t find him attractive?

It could very much be your depression as I’ve never been with a man I’ve not wanted to have sex with (I feel sorry for your friends too) but I think you could be what’s called asexual - where actually you don’t fancy men or women and would rather just have them as close friends rather than having a sexual relationship.

To answer your question about whether straight women enjoy female erotica or sometimes find women attractive, I definitely haven’t ever. I have always wished I could be gay and find a female partner because on the whole I have found most men to be bad ones. But there isn’t even a bi-curious bone in my body unfortunately. I just jumped on to say that as I have got older (am 48) I don’t find any random men on the street or out and about attractive anymore either. I feel like a combination of my menopause and my toxic long term relationship has taken away all my sexual desires full stop. Weighing everything up, it sounds to me like you probably would be happier with a female partner but it is very understandable that you don’t want to break up your family unit. Therapy might help. Sorry you are going through this. It sounds tough.

If you are depressed then I’d go to the GP and then sort out your current marriage, forget about the gay thing for a while.

You are not happy in your relationship so you can either split or have an open marriage.
Id be thinking which I’d prefer (for me I’d rather split) and start communicating with your DH about it.

Yeah, I can accept I have internalised homophobia, much as that pains me because I’ve never considered myself homophobic and if this were one of my friends I’d be horrified if they mentioned conversion therapy.

I don’t believe I’m asexual.

I do understand OP, it's difficult- I've realised as I've got older(am now 60) im simply not attracted to men sexually anymore- which is awkward when you've been married 26 years!! Im not obviously attracted to women either sexually- I realise I have 'become' asexual but I think I've always had a tendency that way- I've had 3 relationships (2 marriages, 1 live in) and every time I totally am disinterested by the 3 year point. I thought this time I might get away with it due to age - but my H is constantly going on about 'early nights' and I actually feel bad about it , but simply don't feel that way and have to force myself - it's not just him- I don't feel that way about anyone.

Can you imagine yourself being very intimate with a women? Kissing them, giving them oral sex etc?

See, I'm not sure things like this are necessarily helpful. If you'd asked me that when I started working through my feelings about gay/straight a couple of years ago, I'd have said 'eeeew, no!'. But when I was 14 and considered myself straight, if you'd asked me that about boys, I would also have said 'ewwwww! no!' because it was totally outside my frame of reference and not something I could imagine. And maybe straight 14 year old girls are fantasising about giving boys oral sex, I don't know, but I don't think my friends were, and I definitely wasn't. I think if a woman has spent decades in hetero relationships, in a heterosexual society, then no, obviously they may struggle to imagine giving oral sex to another woman, but that doesn't mean they aren't gay.

Sorry to hear that @Barbiehouseandpool. I know how difficult that can be from experience when I was younger. I can take time to come to terms with and accept yourself and your sexuality, but it’s not insurmountable.

FWIW it really does get better though - 20yo me would never have believed that that I’d be happily married to a lovely woman with two babies now.

Please do be kind to yourself and consider your own feelings in all of this too. It’s pretty exhausting living with these kind of feelings. You really do deserve to be happy though - you all do.

I really do wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do for the best. I just hope you are able to find some happiness and self-acceptance along the way.

I'm straight and I never ever question if I'm gay. I look at women and can appreciate they are attractive but I don't fancy them and don't want to have sexual relations. I think if you are thinking you are and have done for years now, its likely you are at least bisexual as a minimum.

I think you are definitely gay op and due to your upbringing have found it hard to come to terms with. This is why everyone should be encouraged to do what makes them happy. If you are gay and live a lie it’s got to come to a breaking point risking your own mh and happiness.
I’m married, I’m straight. Always found other girls attractive, had a few crushes when younger. But alongside this was very interested in boys and more so had crushes on boys. I personally thought this was how everyone felt until a thread on here told me otherwise! To me it’s about appreciating the beauty in everyone and everything around us. I know I’m with the right person and most importantly I’m happy and not sacrificing any part of myself. If this was the case for you then you would know. I understand that you want to keep your family together but that’s not in their or your best interest. They need a happy and fulfilled mother. As for conversion therapy, you can’t change who or what you are, you need to learn to accept you.

What is this post!??

Question for you Op….

Your husband comes back from the doctor. He has a heart condition. Luckily there is an excellent medication for it so his life expectancy is not affected. Unfortunately it will destroy his libido forever. He will never ever want sex with you again. Do you now want to stay in the marriage?

As far as I can see you have about 5 options:-

1. Split up
2. Stay together but don’t have sex anymore and both of you remain celibate.
3. Stay together but no sex. He is free to have sex with other people. (But you won’t.)
4. Stay together but no sex. You are both free to have sex with other people. (Which for you will be women.)
5. Carry on as you are with you getting drunk in order to be willing to have sex.
6. Seek counselling and see if you can get to a point where you enjoy sex with him. This may involve significant lifestyle changes - for example reducing work commitments to try and cut down on stress.

Which of these would you be happy with? Which of these is he happy with?

OP, no one can tell you if you gay based on the “evidence” you have presented- not being attracted to your husband, not being interested in sex, not fancying famous men- I think These are feelings common amongst straight women. Equally they could also be familiar to a closeted gay woman.
what strikes me about your post is that you seem quite convinced that you may be gay- this is your subjective experience, and the only thing that you can measure to determine whether you are ‘gay’. Being gay would have no meaning outside of your experience of being gay.
In answer to your final questions- if you experience yourself as gay, I think that is important and I don’t think it should be ignored xxx

@Mumoftwoinprimary I wondered whether to suggest such options to the OP, but tbh, I suspect that Nos. 2, 3, or 4 would end the marriage anyway. 2 would lead to frustration; 3 and 4 would probably lead to one or both of them falling in love with someone who does want to sleep with them. Personally, I think 1 or 6 are the only viable options.

Without sex I’d be happier to stay in the marriage, but even that aside it’s as though something is constantly making me restless. Over the years I’ve thought it was a child, more children, a career, a new house, an active social life, a time consuming sports hobby. Nope. None of these have made it stop.
then I went on a women’s yoga retreat and we were encouraged to think about our needs and turn inwards - which is all very cringy - but it was then that I thought fuck. I know what it is. I know what’s missing.

You might be happier to stay in the marriage, but it sounds as if your DH wouldn't be. So what are you going to do about it?

This is very different from someone who has a medical condition which prevents them from having sex with their spouse, they don't find the idea of it repulsive, they simply can't do it. You have to get drunk to sleep with him, it's awful for you both.

I’m confused by the relevance of OP’s DP hypothetically having a medical condition which excludes sex?

He wants to stay in the marriage even though I’ve told him I’m gay though.

I’m realising sexuality is not just sex.
If you are straight you don’t expect to have sex with the opposite sex but then get your romantic / connection needs met by someone of the same sex?
i do think sometimes sexuality gets reduced just to the actual sex part.

There’s no way you’re ever going to enjoy having sex with your DH. I find it a bit daft when people blame depression and think that therapy will help. Regardless of whether you’re gay, you don’t fancy him and that’s that!

Remember that the society we live in kind of forces us into a very unnatural way of living. Not many women will continue to find their partner attractive after a couple of years and that’s just normal. I’ve managed six years but he was exceptionally gorgeous.

I’m nearly 50 and very sad that i don’t find anyone attractive anymore. A woman past menopause doesn’t have any biological reason to have sex but men don’t understand this and no-one seems to a knowledge it. I’m bisexual but I don’t think I could be arsed with a relationship with a man or a woman.