To worry I’m wrong about being gay?

[Barbiehouseandpool]

I’m really too old for this realisation.
I was 40 this year, I’ve been married nearly two decades, I have three children, two primary aged and one secondary aged.
I love my husband but I’m not sure I’ve ever been attracted to him. I thought I was… and all my friends moaned about having to have sex with their partners / husbands so I thought my lack of sex drive was normal. Now I’m not so sure.
I thought a long time ago that I might be gay but I was able to ignore it and it’s only been the last couple of years that it’s become more difficult to ignore. I’ve spoken to my husband about it but he says I am just depressed and when I’m not depressed I will want to have sex. He says if I were gay I’d not have got married and have had three children.
I am worried that I am depressed because I am gay and having to act straight. It’s definitely been a gradual realisation. When I look at how I felt about famous people - I’d just pick a random man out of a boyband etc and pretend to be interested like everyone else but I wasn’t actually interested. The difficulty is that I love my husband and my children but that since this has become evident having sex has become more and more difficult. I have to really make myself or get drunk first. It can’t be nice for him to feel I don’t want him either.
He is angry - understandably - but I swear I didn’t seek to lie or mislead him. My family is religious and I knew on some level that it would be impossible for me to be gay when I was younger. He comments that now I give off a ‘lesbian vibe’ and other women look at me. I find that hard, I’m not sure it’s true. I look the same as I always did.

I worry that I am wrong though. What if this isn’t what’s missing? What if I’m just having a mid-life crisis? I’ve read stuff that says people who are straight are just straight and don’t question it, is that true? I would prefer to be straight and yet this is keeping me awake at night, worrying.
It sounds dramatic but I feel I can either sacrifice myself or my husband and children. And even if I am gay, how much does it matter? Does it matter at all?
My children probably wouldn’t be thrilled with a gay mother, especially my oldest. The easiest thing is to try and ignore it again but I’m selfishly finding that really hard.
it feels so unfair, for all of us.

I feel 90% certain I’m gay but how can I know for sure?

@IrisVersicolor People want to have sex with other people who aren’t attracted to them all the time though. I imagine her DH still feels the same attraction to the OP as he did when their relationship began.

As the OP still cares about him (her posts suggest that she does care about him as a person), I doubt she’s told him the extent of her repulsion, I.e., that she has to force herself and /or get drunk to sleep with him. That would be extremely cruel and hurtful, it’s not his fault that her feelings have changed and his haven’t.

Oh yes, let's slate a woman for daring not to be attracted to a man, or for (shock!) having feelings that have changed over time. How dare she?! Wouldn't it be 'extremely cruel and hurtful' for her to even admit to being a whole human person, while he just wants a shag?

You know that's not what I'm saying, @SarahAndQuack.

I was responding to a post that asked, "Why your DH wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with him, I’ve no idea."

My point was that it's not really difficult to understand why he wants to have sex with her, because his attraction to the OP clearly hasn't changed, he still fancies her.

Her feelings have changed, his haven't.

Of course they want it, but it takes a special kind of obliviousness and insensitivity not to notice their partner is getting drunk and forcing themselves.

I mean what does he think OP’s feeling she’s gay implies?

If a male partner said that to me my first question would be - “do you fancy women at all, do you want to have sex with them in general and me in particular.”?

To which OP’s answer would be no no and no.

He’s adamant if I were gay I’d know for sure.
I’m fairly sure I am, it’s just I’d rather not be!

Whatever happens, I would hope step 1 is to take sex off the table completely by asking for a temporary separation. This doesn't have to mean leaving the home, but it would mean stopping behaving like a couple and dropping all expectations of physicality and sex. Otherwise, OP, you won't have the brain space to figure out what is going on.

I don't thinknyou should be discussing your sexuality with him anymore. It's just confusing, the dynics aren't conducive to you being able to honestly and clearly understand yourself.

I hope you can find peace with yourself, regardless. The internalised homophobia is distressing to read, it must be very hard to live with.

*dynamics

It really is. It makes me fight it at every turn.
If this were a friend I’d be saying it’s not a choice, it’s who you are, it’s part of you like anything else about you.
However, I cannot apply that to me and instead I just cannot accept it. My brain looks for a solution constantly or for signs that I’m not gay.
As well as the lesbian erotica I’ve always been very interested in an depiction of lesbian relationships in the media / film / tv. Much much much more than straight relationships, which seem to relate very little to how I feel or what I experience. If I see women out and about together I feel envious and think that’s what I want.
Still cannot accept I’m likely gay though. Instead I justify it and make up reasons for it, other than being gay.

@IrisVersicolor If the OP says no to a physical relationship with him, of course he can’t expect her to have sex. But it sounds as if she’s still letting it happen, even if she had to have a glass of wine first. It just needs to stop and as Viper says, that probably means Step 1, a separation, even if they’re still living in the same house.

I’m not suggesting the DH is perfect, but the OP has to make a decision,.

I agree with PP’s who’ve suggested talking about her feelings with someone other than him, someone like a close friend or a counselor would be much better. Discussing her feelings with him must be excruciating for both of them.

OP isn't the first step to deal with your marriage? I think working out your sexuality when you feel it is tied in to the end of your marriage/family is too loaded. It sounds like that relationship is not working for you and that's big enough by itself to deal with.

Maybe it's very difficult to work out your sexuality when it's all in your head - all theoretical. If you were single you would be free to explore other relationships, widen your friendships/acquaintances/experiences etc. It might be that you need to take your time before you do much after the end of a very long marriage - if it does end. After 20 years imagining yourself with someone else, man or woman, might be scary.

Ah op, I feel sorry you. I came out quite late (28) after a marriage and children, it wasn’t an easy thing to get my head around. I haven’t read everything but some of the earlier replies are way off. Most gay women don’t view women in the way men do, I certainly found the idea of intimacy, boobs and oral sex weird as hell initially. (By the way to reference an earlier poster not all lesbians are into oral just like not all straight couples are) so please don’t let that stuff scare you. I think deep down somewhere you just ‘know’ and once you know you know! heteronormativity can be hard to break through, it was for me and my now dp who had also only dated men before me, we figured things out together. I’m approaching 40 now and engaged to an amazing woman and don’t even recognise that younger ‘straight’ person I was.

I'm sorry, but that is a cop out.

We all understand why he might wish she still wanted to have sex with him, of course.

But actually, like lots of people, I don't see how he'd want to have sex with her when she doesn't want it. Like the poster you responded to, I'd find this disturbing.

I also wonder what you mean when you say the OP's feelings have changed?

Please don't feel you have to answer this, but I'm wondering: what is it that feels so scary or bad about being gay?

Is it that you feel as if you'd be some kind of fraud or imposter - not 'really' gay, because you didn't experience flashing neon lights telling you that you were gay?

Is it because you feel uncomfortable with how family and friends will react?

Is it that, deep down, you feel horrified by the whole idea, and you feel if you're gay, you'd have to change in ways you don't like?

I would imagine there are lots of other possibilities - these were just the ones that came to mind - but I wondered if you'd find it helpful to pinpoint what you mind about the idea of you being gay.

Sounds like a classic modern midlife crisis. A friend decided this. Ditched the husband, dated/sex with a lot of women off OLD, got a girlfriend, got sick of the girlfriend or vv, now wants her husband back... He's moved on.

Surely it would only matter if you met a woman you were madly attracted to and it felt mutual? It would be sad to ditch you life for a fantasy of how you might feel, and discover you are as sexually disinterested in women in real life as you are men...

Surely it would only matter if you met a woman you were madly attracted to and it felt mutual?

Yes, because of course continuing in a relationship where you feel sexually unfulfilled and mentally disturbed is fine, there's no reason you'd ever pursue anything else.

Well, how would she know she was going to feel any more fulfilled elsewhere? She may be more asexual than gay.

I totally agree with this.

You don’t have to be gay in order not to have sex with your DH OP. It feels like you need to be gay in order to permit yourself to say this relationship’s not working.That’s a big pressure to put on yourself. And difficult to know for sure if you can’t actually experiment with women.

Just take it a step at a time. The first thing is to stop having sex with him. Then see where you want to go from there.

Exploring your sexuality will a longer process.

Well he would say that wouldn’t he. You’re discussing your sexuality with someone who a. has a vested interest in you not being gay, b. who is not gay or bi themselves, thus has no idea what that might feel like, and c. who wants to plough on with sex regardless of whether you’re gay or not.

OP,

I agree wholeheartedly with other posters. The issue of your happiness in your marriage and your sexuality need to be treated separately.

The fact you hate having sex w your husband and need to be drunk to get through it suggests this marriage is over. There will be a million reasons you both find yourself here.

It’s terrifying to leave a marriage, esp one where there are children involved. I did it and I’m not going to sugar coat - it was an awful time for all of us. It obviously has financial implications, housing implications and is very very sad.

But we got through it, we moved on, we made new lives. And we are all - my ex and my kids and me happy now.

if you got yourself out the other side of your marriage you’d have the whole of the rest of your life to do with as you wish. Gay, Straight, A Sexual, Pan Sexual - whatever.

Be brave and tackle the marriage it is the first step to more happiness for you all.

very best of luck (if you’re in London & want a coffee and a listening ear - PM me)

Of course she may. But if she's actively unhappy in this relationship, she should get out of it, whether she's asexual or gay or something else entirely. Being asexual isn't a good reason to stay in a relationship where you're unhappy.

Sexuality is a nightmare.

Im 39, married with two children and I’m in the process of coming to realise I’m bisexual.

I have always been attracted to women but I genuinely thought most women are attracted to women because how could they not be?! 😂

I had a fling with a woman when I was mid 20’s but that is the only time I have ever acted on my feelings.

I do wonder though that if I hadn’t got married and had children would I have looked deeper into my attraction to women? I honestly don’t know.

It was only after a thread I was part of (about 3-4 months ago), did I come to realise that not all women are attracted to other women. I have now accepted that straight women are not attracted to other women ergo I am not straight 😂

Sexuality issues aside though OP, you sound very very unhappy and I hope you have some support around you x

@SarahAndQuack

But actually, like lots of people, I don't see how he'd want to have sex with her when she doesn't want it. Like the poster you responded to, I'd find this disturbing.

Have you never fancied someone who doesn’t fancy you back? I certainly have. I’ve also made a move on someone and been rejected ( not often, happily) and vice versa. I’m assuming and hoping that he isn’t forcing her to have sex with him, but it sounds as if she still is after a couple of drinks. So her actions aren’t matching her words, IYSWIM. She needs to stop doing this now for her own sake.

I also wonder what you mean when you say the OP's feelings have changed?

I’m assuming that the OP was attracted to her DH when they married. She no longer is, so her feelings towards him have changed.

@SarahAndQuack

I’m really saying the same as you are- if the OP is unhappy in this relationship, she needs to get out it.

@Cameleongirl - glad to know we're broadly in agreement.

Actually, in her OP, she does explain 'I love my husband but I’m not sure I’ve ever been attracted to him. I thought I was…'. So, no, her feelings haven't changed, but she has gained more understanding of those feelings.

TBH, I think even if her feelings had changed, it's not her fault.

I also think, if your partner is telling you she thinks she's gay, and she only seems able to have sex while under the influence ... no, you do need to stop.