To worry I’m wrong about being gay?

[Barbiehouseandpool]

I’m really too old for this realisation.
I was 40 this year, I’ve been married nearly two decades, I have three children, two primary aged and one secondary aged.
I love my husband but I’m not sure I’ve ever been attracted to him. I thought I was… and all my friends moaned about having to have sex with their partners / husbands so I thought my lack of sex drive was normal. Now I’m not so sure.
I thought a long time ago that I might be gay but I was able to ignore it and it’s only been the last couple of years that it’s become more difficult to ignore. I’ve spoken to my husband about it but he says I am just depressed and when I’m not depressed I will want to have sex. He says if I were gay I’d not have got married and have had three children.
I am worried that I am depressed because I am gay and having to act straight. It’s definitely been a gradual realisation. When I look at how I felt about famous people - I’d just pick a random man out of a boyband etc and pretend to be interested like everyone else but I wasn’t actually interested. The difficulty is that I love my husband and my children but that since this has become evident having sex has become more and more difficult. I have to really make myself or get drunk first. It can’t be nice for him to feel I don’t want him either.
He is angry - understandably - but I swear I didn’t seek to lie or mislead him. My family is religious and I knew on some level that it would be impossible for me to be gay when I was younger. He comments that now I give off a ‘lesbian vibe’ and other women look at me. I find that hard, I’m not sure it’s true. I look the same as I always did.

I worry that I am wrong though. What if this isn’t what’s missing? What if I’m just having a mid-life crisis? I’ve read stuff that says people who are straight are just straight and don’t question it, is that true? I would prefer to be straight and yet this is keeping me awake at night, worrying.
It sounds dramatic but I feel I can either sacrifice myself or my husband and children. And even if I am gay, how much does it matter? Does it matter at all?
My children probably wouldn’t be thrilled with a gay mother, especially my oldest. The easiest thing is to try and ignore it again but I’m selfishly finding that really hard.
it feels so unfair, for all of us.

I feel 90% certain I’m gay but how can I know for sure?

Probably means you've spent too much time on MN.

Reading your comments it sounds very similar to me, the pocking a guy in a band and pretending to want to have sex with them is what i did as a teen.

I identify as demisexual, as I cannot imagine sleeping with anyone unless I know them, sometimes fictional characters, (I could sleep with Jon snow from the book (game of thrones) but not the actor -kit harrington who plays him)

There is also degrees of asexual which includes romantic to a romantic.

In short just because you are not attracted to men does not mean you have to be attracted to women, it's not one or the other, there is a third option, not being attracted to anyone, or just wanting romance and not sex.

You often find those who are homophobic are so because they’re gay themselves but are afraid of being gay.

Anyone who is homophobic is confused about their own sexuality definitely.

But I do think you need to fantasise about being sexual with women to be gay.
If you’re repulsed by the idea it could be that you are trying to block yourself from having those feelings.
But not having those thoughts at all would make me feel like you aren’t gay.

If I had a crush on a co-worker or friend I’d imagine myself being properly sexual with them and realise that actually no way do I fancy them in that way.

I think there’s a big difference between having crushes on people and fancying them so that you want to have sex with them.

There are many identities and sexual preferences, not just binary gay/ straight. There are some people who do not like sex at all, or some who are attracted to a person irrespectively of their gender.

I would suggest exploring it with a counsellor / therapist specialising in identity / sexual identity issues before you make any major decisions.

if you cannot / do not want to do it, perhaps researching and reading up on the subject from reputable sources might help. There was an episode on this in sex education on Netflix which is a surprisingly great show.

In short just because you are not attracted to men does not mean you have to be attracted to women, it's not one or the other, there is a third option, not being attracted to anyone, or just wanting romance and not sex.

I definitely agree with this.

Yes, well explained.

I think it would be sexual if I allowed myself to go there.
It is more that I’ve had very close friendships where the woman has been so important to me and I’ve felt jealous of their boyfriend / partner.
i think if I’d allowed myself then it might have become more sexually orientated.

He doesn't believe you though. Because if he did, he wouldn't keep having sex with you, would he? Sex that, let's remember, you don't want and sex that makes you cry.

That's so fucked up it's off the scale.

I think you need therapy to work through some of this but again, I think you need to start with where you are now rather than wondering if this is about your sexuality. The intense friendships you talk about down the thread just makes me think that no-one is meeting your emotional needs.

I think sexuality is often seen through the male gaze hence the focus on body parts. And questions like do you find vaginas or dicks attractive. Fair enough if that’s you but it’s not everyone.

I feel for you OP. I agree that you need to think about your marriage. That sounds really sad for you and I am guessing you could end up in a very bad place mental health wise if you carry on as you are.

As to your sexuality, I can relate. I am divorced but I find it too difficult to face "coming out" or even just exploring, and I have thought about this a lot. My children would be absolutely fine, we live somewhere where it would be fine. Yet there is such a strong block that stops me from taking things any further.

I have just accepted I will stay single.

I'm the gayest gay ever but if someone had asked me before my first sexual encounter if I found vulvas attractive, I'd have been horrified. Not a helpful question at all.

Women are sexy because on their eyebrows. The turn of their lip. Their earlobes. The hair on the nape of their neck.

Or because of how they laugh at dirty jokes, or do withering glances, or sing in the garden, or change gear.

Sorry I didn't mean to make my post about me! What I was going to get to was that single is happier than a relationship that isn't working.

i agree @AgnestaVipers
I think that’s true no matter who you are attracted to.
It is more subtle than some of the posts on here suggest?

I agree.

But once I find a women attractive I do start to think about having my head between her thighs. But I don't get turned on by that thought alone, the attraction comes first. The tilt of her chin, the way she puts her hand on her hip.

You won't know until you try it out.

And only you can know whether this is something that you need to explore or whether you can be happy continuing as you are.

DH talking dirty to me is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever experienced.
it would be funny if it wasn’t all so sad.

But I never said anything to indicate I disagreed with that?

What I disagree with is the idea that, if you're a lesbian, you'll be really turned on by visualising boobs or vaginas or random naked women. Frankly, I think this is a construct of the porn industry - I think most people are not turned on by random body bits or contextless bodies. It's a perverted and depressingly narrow idea of sexuality, that implies we should be turned on by these things.

Maybe you're just not a sexual person at all. Asexual maybe? Or just generally not into sex. And that's fine. I realise it must be difficult in your marriage if your husband still wants sex, but there is nothing wrong with not being into sex.

Yay! Reading this just makes me smile - so nice to know there's more of us out there.

This. I am very bi but vuvlas are just vulvas. Serve a purpose but I don’t look at them and think "phwoar" hahahah

Yes op, a lot more subtle! I'm genuinely really surprised at the number of posters saying if you don’t fantasise about yourself with other women then you’re not gay. I don’t do that, and am very definitely gay, and I do fancy women. I'm married to a woman and have been for years. The second gayest gay ever after @AgnestaVipers 

Sometimes it takes a while to work out how the way you feel IS fancying women, because we've been told (as a pp said) that the way you're attracted to people is supposed to feel a certain way. DW and I have a running joke that we 'admire' certain women, because we thought that was what it was, before we realised we were gay 

I think that the way women are attracted to other women is very different to the way men are attracted to women, and also the way women are attracted to men. I find that I am much more attracted to women’s personalities than just the way they look - like you said, I’d be attracted to a character on a TV show rather than as a pp said, a pair of "context free tits"!

I also find relationships with other women are very intense, just by their nature, and that’s how I think a lot of women realise they are gay so that would make sense from your post.

Also, fwiw, please don’t beat yourself up about the internal homophobia. It’s extremely difficult to shrug off decades of conditioning and you clearly don't want to be homophobic.

Can you access talking to anyone else irl about this? Maybe not your DH? Can you use your 'depression' as a reason to not have sex until you've figured this out a bit more? You're not alone. I fell down a Tiktok rabbit hole on this the other day - a lot of posters on there questioning their sexualities when in 30s/40s. Please go easy on yourself, you've found yourself in a bloody tough situation and are clearly in some anguish about it. 

I think that the way women are attracted to other women is very different to the way men are attracted to women, and also the way women are attracted to men.

I think this is so true.

DH talking dirty to me is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever experienced.
it would be funny if it wasn’t all so sad.

How many other men have you been with?

Do you think you may just have the ick for your DH?

I find many women unbelievably attractive and I definitely fantasize about being sexual with them.

Of course they need to have a pretty face but for me I definitely fantasize more about their bodies and being intimate more than PPs who are gay seem to.

I’m definitely not gay as I’m attracted to men but I am not repulsed by the fact I find women attractive as I think it’s quite natural.
However my attraction seems very sex based and I wouldn’t want a relationship with a women, whereas actual gay PPs seem to feel more like how you feel.
So it’s definitely a possibility.

Have you thought about just being single for a while though?

I don’t think this is primarily a gay/straight issue - which not to say you may not be gay - but simply that you’re in the wrong relationship.

If you were in a relationship with a woman you were forcing yourself to have sex with, I think you’d feel very depressed about that too.

So the sex has got to stop. Why your DH wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with him, I’ve no idea.