To worry I’m wrong about being gay?

[Barbiehouseandpool]

I’m really too old for this realisation.
I was 40 this year, I’ve been married nearly two decades, I have three children, two primary aged and one secondary aged.
I love my husband but I’m not sure I’ve ever been attracted to him. I thought I was… and all my friends moaned about having to have sex with their partners / husbands so I thought my lack of sex drive was normal. Now I’m not so sure.
I thought a long time ago that I might be gay but I was able to ignore it and it’s only been the last couple of years that it’s become more difficult to ignore. I’ve spoken to my husband about it but he says I am just depressed and when I’m not depressed I will want to have sex. He says if I were gay I’d not have got married and have had three children.
I am worried that I am depressed because I am gay and having to act straight. It’s definitely been a gradual realisation. When I look at how I felt about famous people - I’d just pick a random man out of a boyband etc and pretend to be interested like everyone else but I wasn’t actually interested. The difficulty is that I love my husband and my children but that since this has become evident having sex has become more and more difficult. I have to really make myself or get drunk first. It can’t be nice for him to feel I don’t want him either.
He is angry - understandably - but I swear I didn’t seek to lie or mislead him. My family is religious and I knew on some level that it would be impossible for me to be gay when I was younger. He comments that now I give off a ‘lesbian vibe’ and other women look at me. I find that hard, I’m not sure it’s true. I look the same as I always did.

I worry that I am wrong though. What if this isn’t what’s missing? What if I’m just having a mid-life crisis? I’ve read stuff that says people who are straight are just straight and don’t question it, is that true? I would prefer to be straight and yet this is keeping me awake at night, worrying.
It sounds dramatic but I feel I can either sacrifice myself or my husband and children. And even if I am gay, how much does it matter? Does it matter at all?
My children probably wouldn’t be thrilled with a gay mother, especially my oldest. The easiest thing is to try and ignore it again but I’m selfishly finding that really hard.
it feels so unfair, for all of us.

I feel 90% certain I’m gay but how can I know for sure?

@SarahAndQuack

Tbh, I’ve forgotten the details of her first post at this point! I suppose I’m assuming that she must’ve felt some attraction for him when they married. It’s very sad for both of them if she didn’t and clearly any physical contact should stop now.

Best to end the relationship now and they can both get on with their lives.

I don't think I've said she should not leave her husband. Who by the way she says, in her OP, she loves...

I also don't really understand this onus on feeling "fulfilled" - which in this thread seems to mean sexually fulfilled, as if that is the only sort of fulfillment a woman can experience and prioritise. And at this point, it seems to be only in the mind's of a few very certain posters, not in any actual reality, that she would be immensely fulfilled by lesbian life.

Nobody can answer the question of what, if anything, the OP should do re her marriage or her sex life, aside from the OP, I think, and presumably in discussion with her husband. Maybe they can "open" it temporarily, so she can explore this idea. Maybe they can see a marriage counsellor. Maybe the OP can seek some sort of one-on-one counselling on this issue, to clarify things.

All my women friends who came out in midlife met someone, and moved in with them, divorcing their husbands, leaving their partners, to do so. It wasn't a case of, ooh, maybe I'm gay, maybe I'm not, shall I toss a coin...or ask MN?

My point that you objected to earlier was, in essence: The grass is always greener on the other side. (and/or) A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

I would agree that stopping sex with partner and getting counselling of some variety might be a good option for now.

If you're adamant the problem is your sexuality however might be best to walk away from the relationship and find out if it's what you want. Rather than persist in an unhappy setup.

I've read the posts of the like minded women post referred to earlier and would steer clear of that. There seems to be a general consensus there that its permissible for women who think they're bi to 'explore' behind their partners back, and it's not really cheating if its with another woman, which I find shocking. Or it's an open relationship which actually isn't open, it's that their male partners are fine with them having sex outside the relationship, apparently, my suspicion would be they have to be fine with it rather than face the relationship breaking up. We all know how we'd react if a poster was telling us about their husband being bi and cheating with another man.

Sorry if going off topic a bit, just be wary of that other thread as you dont want to go down the path of staying with your partner OP and cheating on him with other women. You need to make a clean break if that's what you need to do regarding your sexuality. As another poster said theres a risk it won't work with a woman either but unfortunately it's a risk you might have to take, for your own mental well being. No decision is ever easy but I agree you need to get out of there and find out what you want, theres nothing wrong with being asexual either if that's what you are. Good luck whatever you do

Its always difficult giving advice in complicated situations, you clearly aren't happy and I hope at some point you get out of that set-up as I dont think its doing you much good, however totally get that its difficult if you still love DP and dont want to break up a relationship 😟

Just to add my two pence worth, bi sexual woman who's been married for 15 years to a man, there are various threads, some mentioned already, that offer some pretty poor advice about seeking out partners outside a relationship, or making light of same sex affairs like its just a FWB situation and not really cheating, its just a bit of fun, which is quite frankly insulting to same sex relationships. I also find it super frustrating that some people have got this idea that because you're bisexual thats a green light to cheat, its quite narcissistic at a deeper level. Do I still fancy women at times? Sure. Am I entitled to cheat on DH because I still fancy women? Um no. Do I think its any less crappy to cheat on my partner with a woman instead of another man. Um no.

Im just so fed up of this stigma that being bisexual means we cant control impulses, and dont have a moral compass, or cheating is somehow seen as something innocent, thats propagated by some on various threads. It really winds me up! 😣