To worry I’m wrong about being gay?

[Barbiehouseandpool]

I’m really too old for this realisation.
I was 40 this year, I’ve been married nearly two decades, I have three children, two primary aged and one secondary aged.
I love my husband but I’m not sure I’ve ever been attracted to him. I thought I was… and all my friends moaned about having to have sex with their partners / husbands so I thought my lack of sex drive was normal. Now I’m not so sure.
I thought a long time ago that I might be gay but I was able to ignore it and it’s only been the last couple of years that it’s become more difficult to ignore. I’ve spoken to my husband about it but he says I am just depressed and when I’m not depressed I will want to have sex. He says if I were gay I’d not have got married and have had three children.
I am worried that I am depressed because I am gay and having to act straight. It’s definitely been a gradual realisation. When I look at how I felt about famous people - I’d just pick a random man out of a boyband etc and pretend to be interested like everyone else but I wasn’t actually interested. The difficulty is that I love my husband and my children but that since this has become evident having sex has become more and more difficult. I have to really make myself or get drunk first. It can’t be nice for him to feel I don’t want him either.
He is angry - understandably - but I swear I didn’t seek to lie or mislead him. My family is religious and I knew on some level that it would be impossible for me to be gay when I was younger. He comments that now I give off a ‘lesbian vibe’ and other women look at me. I find that hard, I’m not sure it’s true. I look the same as I always did.

I worry that I am wrong though. What if this isn’t what’s missing? What if I’m just having a mid-life crisis? I’ve read stuff that says people who are straight are just straight and don’t question it, is that true? I would prefer to be straight and yet this is keeping me awake at night, worrying.
It sounds dramatic but I feel I can either sacrifice myself or my husband and children. And even if I am gay, how much does it matter? Does it matter at all?
My children probably wouldn’t be thrilled with a gay mother, especially my oldest. The easiest thing is to try and ignore it again but I’m selfishly finding that really hard.
it feels so unfair, for all of us.

I feel 90% certain I’m gay but how can I know for sure?

Completely agree with @ShinyMe and @SarahAndQuack - I’m not sure the rather blunt ‘do you like lady parts?’ approach works for everyone.

I am also lesbian. Didn’t really question it personally, as I’d always known deep down but definitely had a tough time coming to terms with it. I’m not sure I really gave myself permission to fantasize freely about women though initially, although again for full disclosure I was well aware that would have definitely been my preference! I was also well aware that sleeping with women was also my preference. I’m not so sure that’s everyone’s experience though and I do think it is likely different if you have been in a heterosexual relationship or marriage for years too.

I guess what I’m trying to clumsily articulate is that everyone’s experience is different and not all people, gay or straight, experience attraction in the same way. So, dropping your drawers to images of scantily clad women every night isn’t necessarily the only criteria to being gay I guess.

Lol!

There are so many signs now I look back at my teens and 20s, but I genuinely just thought we all did that and we all thought like that (things like well of COURSE women are more attractive than men! Well of COURSE we all like boobs!). I'm so annoyed with myself now really that I missed out for so long on my real self, and that it's more than likely too late now to actually have a relationship, but I suppose at least I know now, and you never know what's round the corner. There was so much horrible homophobia around when I was at school (in the 80s) that I never gave myself permission to even consider that I wasn't straight.

I think there's absolutely no point trying to work out who or what you are in terms of sexuality when you're obviously so unhappy in your current relationship.

You may be gay, you may be bi. You may be asexual - I do firmly believe that lots of people are but the imperative to have children + social conditioning means they bury those feelings very deep. You may simply not fancy your husband.

The only way (I think) to work it out is to separate from him. I suspect clarity will come when you stop trying to pretzel yourself into being sexually active in your current relationship.

You are not alone: www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/4060709-finding-a-like-minded-woman

It's in your interest to explore this now. And it's in your husband's interest to dissuade you.

I feel similar to you in that I am questioning whether I might be gay but I am not sure, although I am single so it’s less complicated. I have been in relationships and slept with men but I never felt attracted to them, I think I just went along with being straight because that felt the normal thing to do. I have never felt sexually attracted to a man. I get intense feelings towards women, but not necessarily sexual feelings, maybe more romantic? I am drawn to women over men but I don’t know if I am sexually attracted to them. I have kissed women and it always felt more natural than kissing men, but I never felt driven to take things further. But I don’t have much of a sex drive, I never masturbate for example despite not having had consensual sex in years. So then I question if I am asexual. I wish I’d been more aware of these feelings when I was younger as I think it would have been easier to experiment, but now as a woman in her late thirties I feel like it is too late, it wouldn’t exactly be reasonable to hook up with a woman to find out if I’m gay and potentially realise during the encounter I wasn’t. I don’t want to use another person in that way or lead anybody along. So I understand your confusion.

Although I don’t think anybody can answer whether you’re gay or not, it does sound like you’re not attracted to or happy with your husband. That in itself is a good enough reason to leave him. What happens after that in terms of exploring future relationships doesn’t have to be clear now for you to begin moving forward.

Ideally I want to stay married but the sex issue is making it very difficult.
I don’t think about women particularly in a sexual way exactly, it’s not as clear cut as that. It’s more that I could see myself exploring it and that I know I wouldn’t want to be with another man. It’s not a specific issue re not finding my husband attractive. I can see when a man (or a woman) is good looking but I won’t want to have sex with them.
Rather it is when I get to know them that I develop an attraction and that is exclusively to women.
Thinking about body parts of either sex does little for me! However I do like reading female erotica. But then so do some straight women, I think?!

To the women thinking it's too late - it absolutely isn't. Join some lesbian groups where you are doing something else - walking or some other sport or pastime, and then see how it goes. The focus won't be on dating, but you will be around actual lesbians and will be able to start thinking about whether you find them or the lifestyle they have attractive. It would be a good start.

Sexuality and sexual attraction doesn't have to be an either/or situation. I recently found this post very interesting (its so me!) and it did spark off an exploration of who I am and how I define my own sexuality. I don't know what your answer will be, and I cannot say whether you're straight, gay, or something else you define for yourself but everyone is different and everyone's relationships are different and things change throughout life. I wish you well in figuring it out, whatever the answer may be gigigriffis.com/im-on-the-asexual-spectrum-happy-pride/

Have you spoken to anyone medical about your depression? It might be a good idea to do that before you make any big decisions.

'I don’t exactly fancy women when I’m just out and about.
It’s more that I’ve had intense friendships that I’ve been very invested in. When I’ve got to know a woman I’ve started to feel attracted to them. I don’t just fancy women without knowing them' - I am straight and this is how I feel about men. I very rarely fancy a man without getting to know him first. I sometimes fancy famous actors but it's really based on a character they have played. I think that's quite normal?

I fancy women in films and on tv. Based on their character not the actress.

Hang about ... do we actually know the OP is depressed?!

All she says in her OP is that this is her husband's response when she expresses how she feels, and she worries that if he's right, it's situational depression because she's gay.

I feel very strongly that presuming the OP must be depressed just because her husband has suggested it, is wrong. Being gay doesn't mean your mentally ill; wanting to end your marriage (for whatever reason) doesn't mean you're mentally ill. No matter how much believing this might be easier for her husband.

@ShinyMe, of course it's not too late! Get out there!

I have found having 3 children, a full-time job, life admin and housework and being perimenopausal means I have no interest or energy for sex.

I don't know if you've heard of demisexuality - basically just a word to describe people who don't feel attraction to other people without getting to know them first, which I'd say a lot of people come under. It sounds like you're never going to know without exploring with women which you can't do while you're married. Its not only unfair on you but its unfair on your husband to stay married to him, knowing that there is zero attraction and zero desire to be intimate with him because you're fundamentally not attracted to men (which therapy or counselling won't change imo). You say your children wouldn't be thrilled with a gay mother. Why? I get that it might be a shock and difficult to adapt to but ultimately you're their mum and shouldn't have any homophobic attitudes towards anyone?

I agree with some of what you're saying but sexuality is about sexual feelings. A woman can find another attractive, they may like their smile etc but if that doesn't extend to sexual feelings then they aren't lesbian or bisexual. People also in straight relationships may have romantic feelings towards one another, but sexuality is something different.

I believe my depression to be linked to how I’m feeling, I think the worried about being gay came first.
Now that having sex has become so impossible it has made me more depressed. I have to make myself get through it, it’s how little can I get away with? Can I get away with just a few kisses and then the main event? Does it have to be more? Afterwards I cry.
that makes me depressed.

Look up "demisexual" OP, sounds like you are probably at least bisexual, being bisexual also doesn't mean you are equally attracted to males and females, you can also have phases where you are more into women or men. I don't think straight women read lesbian erotica. Xx

Why do you want to stay in this marriage OP?

I'm bi, and similar age to you. I've definitely got much more same sex attraction as I've got older. I'm married to a man but if we separated I doubt I'd ever be with a man again. At 25 I'd have said my sexual attraction was 20% women, 80% men. Now I'd say it's inversed if not more.

Regardless of your sexuality, I don’t think that’s healthy or fair to you or your husband @Barbiehouseandpool. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and in such a difficult position. Thinking of you

I thought I was gay in my early teens.
I was terrified as my family were heavily involved in the Church.
Told myself not to be ridiculous, fell in love with a wonderful boy.
Broke his heart, married a narcissist.’
Had 2 wonderful children, they are my rock and foundation.

in my 30s I kissed a woman and I liked it, it was coming home on so many levels.

CP with my wife 14 years, together 20 odd.

When you know you know! ☺️

Radical feminist here, always been a huge part of my life.

I also think you've got some serious internal homophobia (I have had previously as well) which you benefit from exploring in therapy.

Agreed - the sex side alone is awful. You need a trial separation in which sex is no longer on the agenda. Then, immerse yourself in lesbian art, culture, and ideally get yourself to meet-ups where you can hang out with lesbians. This isn't dating. It is, though, helping you sort out your needs and interests.

For what it's worth, I expect you know the truth and you're just trying everything to avoid coming to terms with it.

Either way, I wish you luck. You deserve something more fulfilling than you currently have.

^^ I agree with @Devotedcatslave , you first need to sort out your current relationship and then consider potential future relationships. It sounds as if your marriage isn’t working anymore if you can’t bear to have sex with your husband. I’m guessing that you view him more as a friend than a partner?

If that’s the case, the first step is to consider whether you want to try and improve the relationship (perhaps try some counseling?), ot end it. He clearly wants a romantic partner, not just a friend, and if you don’t want to be that person, it would be better for you both to end it, IYSWIM. Sending you 💐

Agreed with @TheBatwoman I meant.