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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cut short expensive road trip 3 days in?

144 replies

Fawful · 05/08/2022 15:10

I'm honestly asking if IBU as I can't see the wood for the trees.
DP (or more accurately XDP, we co-parent happily) and I and our two teens have been on a fly drive in California for a few days.

First two days have been in LA.

Upon getting the rental car (which cost an inflated £1500 because the rental place had no other car with a GPS), DP was just sitting in the car and getting ready to turn on the GPS and drive out onto the freeway. I asked that we go around the block at least to get used to it (driving on the right, automatic, big car etc), and DP got onto some boulevard where he wanted to turn left but didn't realise the cars in front also had a green light, and lounged into (fairly fast and quite near) oncoming traffic.
We therefore had a very near miss within 5 minutes.
It took us an hour (or two) to recover and map a gentle route that doesn't involve a freeway to take us to the hotel.
Since then we've barely been out, the second time we did DP said 'Here's this great big car again, that we're too scared to drive...' (He has since said it was 100% a joke and he is not scared. However when we plan routes he works out detours to avoid having to turn left at intersections without traffic lights as he is too scared to have to work out the best moment tu turn left.)

I've barely been eating, I have been so stressed, I'm clearly in fight or flight mode and really panicked.
To avoid a drip feed I'll have to confess now that at the best of time I've always been car-phobic since I have had a crash at 18. I can't drive and avoid driving anywhere. I'm especially scared of speed. But I thought I'd be able to hack it for the kids' sake, because we decided we'd avoid highways whenever possible, and in the same way I made myself go onto the plane for 12 hours even though I truly hate it. Turns out I'm now busy looking for a way out - flying home early, taking the train to places instead...
The kids have been ok though, they have enjoyed the little we have done (beach, eat out and shopping).
DP is very upset that I've mentioned not wanting to go to Sequoias park tomorrow.
I asked for an extra day in LA and he says 'what would be the point?'
I really want to just take the train instead (itinerary was going to be Sequoia -we'd have to cut that out - Palm Springs, Irvine water park, San Diego for the zoo and USS Midway and back to LA), but with the car costing so much, he's not going to agree to that.
I'm genuinely worried he's not coping with US driving but not wanting to admit to it.
Last night he was angry, he says I make him feel powerless and like he's not in control. And I said I get it and I'm sorry, but I'm genuinely scared and not coping either...
Am I being unreasonable to want to switch to a train trip?

Should I trust him that he's ok, or is he delusional to think that he is not scared, himself?

I asked my brothers just now over WhatsApp and one said that I should go with it, and the other said he has always hoped he wouldn't have to be in a position to have to drive on the other side of the road, as he could see himself making mistakes, with the accident risks it involves. He's a v good and frequent driver.
Obviously I shouldn't have suggested a road trip in the first place, I do know that. What a mess.

Many thanks.

OP posts:
minipie · 05/08/2022 15:20

Driving on the other side of the road shouldn’t be a major deal for an experienced and confident driver. Is your DP usually a good and confident driver? If so then I can imagine you were all shaken by the near miss but sounds like he is getting over it.

He does need to be able to turn left though. It surely isn’t any different from turning right on a non light controlled junction in the UK? Is he generally ok with doing that? If he really doesn’t feel comfortable then perhaps you could find a local driving instructor for an hour’s lesson (for DP) just to put your mind at rest?

I do think if you can get over the fear it will be a great trip.

RedHelenB · 05/08/2022 15:29

I think you are being unreasonable and putting your anxiety on your dp. Yes the one driving, let him determine the route.

Mumofsend · 05/08/2022 15:32

Daft suggestion but could YouTube help with some videos on how to do it confidently?

greenacrylicpaint · 05/08/2022 15:35

call the car rental if you can swap for a more manageable one?

Original poster
Fawful · 05/08/2022 15:40

Thank you. Yes he is usually a good and confident driver, he drove through France several times too.
As for turning left it's just that the streets in questions are so wide, with the potential to be fast and he miscalculated turning left once before during the near miss, so he's become worried about that.

My brother's opinion was pretty much 'yes, driving on the other side can be dangerous, but you paid £1500 so try to make it work...'

Which is all well and good, until I reach beyond anxiety and through depersonalisation as happened once in my early twenties.
Having a driving lesson - I wouldn't have thought about it, but could be a good idea! I'll google that, thanks very much.

OP posts:
Toyingyu · 05/08/2022 15:42

We went over to visit my brother who had lived in the US for several years at that point and he was still having near misses every time we got in the car with him. I decided we would not be driving in the US at that point and we base ourselves in one area and get ubers.

I would be stressed to death too. People are very friendly generally when we've visited but seem to be very aggressive drivers. It wouldn't be a holiday to me if we drove so I know what you mean.

Stripyhoglets1 · 05/08/2022 15:45

Yes yab a little bit u.
But I.don't drive abroad and when we went to the US dh also had a small near miss. But we managed to calm down and just take things steady.
Its actually easier going out of the city a bit and driving the less busy roads - rather than driving in LA.
Maybe one of the kids go in front to avoid you being anxious next to DH.

Lalliella · 05/08/2022 15:47

Get out of LA! LA is horrendous to drive in. Once you're out of the city and on normal roads you'll be fine. Your trip sounds fantastic, you'll have an amazing time.

VeryQuaintIrene · 05/08/2022 15:48

Get the hell out of LA - driving will be much easier once you are out of the city.

Dartmoorcheffy · 05/08/2022 15:49

Get out of LA. Its a busy city and once you are out on the freeway or on the Pacific Coast highway its so much easier, lots less traffic, and no crazy intersections.

Natty13 · 05/08/2022 15:50

I'm honestly astounded that someone who is car phobic would decide to go on a fly drive holiday in AMERICA (of all places).

What are you teaching your teenagers? To ignore their fears and ignore their guts to make other people happy. Well done, great lesson.

Be honest woth everyone about how you feel, that you shouldn't have suppressed your fears to that extend and that you were naive to think it was a good idea. Get the train.

pastaandpesto · 05/08/2022 15:55

I agree that the issue here is LA, the massive freeways are unlike anything in the UK.

LA aside, driving in the US is a piece of piss, it really is. You just need to get out of the city.

Vikinga · 05/08/2022 15:56

I've not driven in the US but I've driven in Europe. You get used to it pretty quickly. Even in the UK I live quite rurally so driving through cities can be a bit stressful at the beginning until you get used to it.

I would let him have a little practice by himself so he gets confident without stressing you out.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/08/2022 15:57

Natty13 · 05/08/2022 15:50

I'm honestly astounded that someone who is car phobic would decide to go on a fly drive holiday in AMERICA (of all places).

What are you teaching your teenagers? To ignore their fears and ignore their guts to make other people happy. Well done, great lesson.

Be honest woth everyone about how you feel, that you shouldn't have suppressed your fears to that extend and that you were naive to think it was a good idea. Get the train.

Or, she's teaching her children to face their fears.

I suffer from severe anxiety and have to face my fears all the time. I spent years not doing it and living a miserable life not doing things because I was so scared.

Orhe · 05/08/2022 16:01

Agree with pp, once you get out of LA driving will get easier. Do you think your nerves are affecting his driving? Could he go out for a short drive with one of the DC just to get more used to it? I find the first journey with a rental car from the airport always almost ends in tears since everyone is tired and stressed and a new car on unfamiliar roads can take a bit to get used to.

plinkypots · 05/08/2022 16:01

You need to get out of LA not stay in it longer. Driving in LA is really hard. Your DP does sound really patient with your anxiety and honestly the highways are easier to drive on not harder. Once you're on you can just sit in the lane and cruise along. Could you sit in the back and read a book. I'd let him get on with it.

Swimminginthelake · 05/08/2022 16:01

In order to get over the anxiety he / you all need to get in the car and drive...after a couple more hours of driving he will likely feel more confident.

What helped me when I first started driving in the US was to always look for the double yellow lines in the centre of the road when turning left, then I would know what lane I was meant to be turning in to.

Also driving in LA is much harder than other parts of California so my advice would be to leave and get out the city where you'll likely find the driving a lot easier.

Try not to panic if he makes a mistake. Just take it slow. It would be a shame to cut your trip short. Freeways outside of LA are pretty easy to drive on.

The driving in LA is definitely the hardest part!

Ilikewinter · 05/08/2022 16:02

Ok so I totally get it , the first time we went to LA DH hated driving and vowed never to do it again, obvioulsy he did!.

LA is truly abysmal to drive round, can you co pilot for him, even with a sat nav I still help so DH can concentrate, he also tries to follow the car in front to get a feel for the turns and road positioning.

Can he do a few spins around the block, get used to the feel and size of the car?

But I think you have to find a way to relax, otherwise you'll make the trip hell for everyone and honestly you should be having a fantastic time!

Rodion · 05/08/2022 16:04

I agree with the advice to get out of LA. Just do what you need to get out (for instance instead of turning left, turn right then turn round in a car park and take the big intersection straight on). I think you'll enjoy everywhere else more as the driving won't be as stressful.

jellybeanteaparty · 05/08/2022 16:04

Like others are saying do get out of LA and then see how you feel. It was the one place we would avoid driving in if possible and we have done a lot of US roadtrips.

JudgeJ · 05/08/2022 16:06

greenacrylicpaint · 05/08/2022 15:35

call the car rental if you can swap for a more manageable one?

We once were upgraded to a much larger car, it was immense and we returned it for the original size, when we were talking with some Americans later about driving on the 'wrong' side of the rode I mentioned this car and he said he wouldn't drive it either, It's like an aircraft carrier, all hood!
I can't believe how much you're paying though for the car for a short time, we never paid more than £650 for 3 1/2 weeks.
Stick with the trip, the Sequoia NP is lovely and once you're away from LA the driving will be much easier though that looks to be quite an itinerary for a few days!

XelaM · 05/08/2022 16:07

Driving in the US is an absolute pleasure and very easy compared to the UK. I rented a car in Las Vegas an drove to LA and back a few years ago and it was super easy. Your DP just has to follow other cars. It takes a bit of getting used to, but he will be totally fine.

SuperCamp · 05/08/2022 16:10

Of course you should go and see the sequoias!

Let him route-find and settle in at his own pace, trust him, and get out of LA.

Daisy03 · 05/08/2022 16:11

I think you'll actually be a lot better if you get out of the city and into the countryside? LA is intimidating because of the many lanes and amount of traffic but once you get out of there it's so much easier

CamoTeaLaLa · 05/08/2022 16:12

My DP doesn’t (can’t) drive due to an inner ear disorder that causes vertigo-like symptoms. We’ve mutually agreed that he sits in the back seat on long/motorway/hilly/narrow journeys, as him sitting in the passenger side looking queasy and stressed puts me off!

I’d advise hiding in the back seat and hanging out with DC, ignoring everything else, while DP gets you out of LA, then cruise off to enjoy your vacation 😎