To want to cut short expensive road trip 3 days in?

[Fawful]

I'm honestly asking if IBU as I can't see the wood for the trees.
DP (or more accurately XDP, we co-parent happily) and I and our two teens have been on a fly drive in California for a few days.

First two days have been in LA.

Upon getting the rental car (which cost an inflated £1500 because the rental place had no other car with a GPS), DP was just sitting in the car and getting ready to turn on the GPS and drive out onto the freeway. I asked that we go around the block at least to get used to it (driving on the right, automatic, big car etc), and DP got onto some boulevard where he wanted to turn left but didn't realise the cars in front also had a green light, and lounged into (fairly fast and quite near) oncoming traffic.
We therefore had a very near miss within 5 minutes.
It took us an hour (or two) to recover and map a gentle route that doesn't involve a freeway to take us to the hotel.
Since then we've barely been out, the second time we did DP said 'Here's this great big car again, that we're too scared to drive...' (He has since said it was 100% a joke and he is not scared. However when we plan routes he works out detours to avoid having to turn left at intersections without traffic lights as he is too scared to have to work out the best moment tu turn left.)

I've barely been eating, I have been so stressed, I'm clearly in fight or flight mode and really panicked.
To avoid a drip feed I'll have to confess now that at the best of time I've always been car-phobic since I have had a crash at 18. I can't drive and avoid driving anywhere. I'm especially scared of speed. But I thought I'd be able to hack it for the kids' sake, because we decided we'd avoid highways whenever possible, and in the same way I made myself go onto the plane for 12 hours even though I truly hate it. Turns out I'm now busy looking for a way out - flying home early, taking the train to places instead...
The kids have been ok though, they have enjoyed the little we have done (beach, eat out and shopping).
DP is very upset that I've mentioned not wanting to go to Sequoias park tomorrow.
I asked for an extra day in LA and he says 'what would be the point?'
I really want to just take the train instead (itinerary was going to be Sequoia -we'd have to cut that out - Palm Springs, Irvine water park, San Diego for the zoo and USS Midway and back to LA), but with the car costing so much, he's not going to agree to that.
I'm genuinely worried he's not coping with US driving but not wanting to admit to it.
Last night he was angry, he says I make him feel powerless and like he's not in control. And I said I get it and I'm sorry, but I'm genuinely scared and not coping either...
Am I being unreasonable to want to switch to a train trip?

Should I trust him that he's ok, or is he delusional to think that he is not scared, himself?

I asked my brothers just now over WhatsApp and one said that I should go with it, and the other said he has always hoped he wouldn't have to be in a position to have to drive on the other side of the road, as he could see himself making mistakes, with the accident risks it involves. He's a v good and frequent driver.
Obviously I shouldn't have suggested a road trip in the first place, I do know that. What a mess.

Many thanks.

I think you need to get a grip.

Your xDP needs to do a little practice for a few hours without you in the car. He can find a quiet neighbourhood and do left turns.

He also very much needs to look up the rules of the road. He can do this online.

Very often when making a left turn at an intersection controlled by lights there will be a left turn green/red arrow light or a sign saying left turn on green arrow only. In an intersection where you decide for yourself when to turn, he should always assume the oncoming traffic will have the green when traffic in his direction has it, and he needs to yield. This is Driving 101, tbh. He should be driving like this in the UK when making a right turn. It's defensive driving.

For freeway driving, build speed on the on ramp with indicator on, and merge whenever he gets a chance. Lane changes are similar - indicate, check mirrors, and get into a space in the next lane whenever it's possible. Watch for drivers trying to enter that lane from the other side as well as drivers already in that lane.

When the whole lot of you get into the car next, buckle your seatbelts, and you should take some deep breaths and try to relax. You are letting your own unfortunate driving history ruin your holiday and your children's.

Let your xDP drive. No sharp indrawn breaths, no swearing, no squeaking no, no, no...

You have the complete wrong idea about interstate driving. It's easy and straightforward and even enjoyable.

Drive in the right lane, pass on the left. Watch out for your exit - they are all numbered. Slow down on the off ramp and remember to drive on the right when you're off the highway.

The various 'spaghetti junctions' are well signed and straightforward. Make sure you know what destination and direction you are heading for. You will.often have a choice between east/west and north/south.

Use Google maps.

Struggling to get past you paying 1500 for a gps - don't you all have phones?!

You just need to get out of LA and go for it. Why don't you sit in the back and leave him to it? Change your route plan if you find it too busy

I've barely been eating, I have been so stressed, I'm clearly in fight or flight mode and really panicked.

To avoid a drip feed I'll have to confess now that at the best of time I've always been car-phobic since I have had a crash at 18. I can't drive and avoid driving anywhere. I'm especially scared of speed.

Oh, you poor thing. I completely relate. Although I can drive (a bit) since my crash, I have been completely phobic of highways, etc, ever since. (I would not do what you are doing, even in my home country, if I was being paid a million dollars.) Plus you are in the passenger seat of a really incompetent driver. He should not be driving in a foreign country with those "skills". It's not just phobic to be concerned with crashing in these circumstances. He is a liability.

Perhaps it will be better once you are on the routes planned and there is less need to turn left... But your stress is so valid, and heightened by your past experience. I hope it all turns out well for you. Not a very relaxing "holiday".

YABU. Okay, so he had a near miss. But he’s not being a twat about it is it? He’s carefully planning out routes to be as safe as possible.

So yeah, you just need to leave him to it and not use your anxiety as an excuse not to. Telling him it’s all well and good that he drives while you’re scared until you go all depersonalised is just manipulative.

Thank you everyone, you were right, the problem was LA. As soon as we left, everything became easy.
We've now reached our base by Sequoia National Park. Route 1 was nice and slow and 33, while very, very windy, was v quiet and beautiful. The freeways were pretty quiet and slow too.
All your messages helped make me feel like I should at least see how it goes beyond LA - so happy we tried. We might still drop the car at some point and do some train later, l agree see San Diego is probably also going to be a pain.
im probably hard work, yes, and as for feeling sorry for our teens, fair enough 😁
Thanks v much again for all your opinions. 💐

That's not true at all, @scarletisjustred.

You have to focus and if necessary repeat out loud phrases like 'turn left into the right lane' or 'stay to the right'..

It is mentally tiring but not something anyone is born with any more than humans are born with an inbuilt ability to drive.

You need to use the curb as a guide for your eye to stay on the right. On the highway you can use the dotted line to the right of your car.

thats great progress.

can you go in the back seat if you are scared? That definitely helps!!!

all the very best and good luck x

Why don't you take the train by yourself OP and do the things you want to?

Let your ex take your teens and do the things they enjoy?

I'm pleased things were better once you got out of LA and hope you enjoy the rest of your trip.

I do think that you should suck it up to an extent. You agreed to go on a fly-drive holiday despite knowing how anxious you are in cars. And you agreed to this sort of close-proximity, stressful-at-times holiday with an ex too! I can't imagine how stressful it must be for him to drive in an unfamiliar place with a panicking, anxious passenger who is just looking to scrap the whole thing if he makes a mistake. Show your daughters that it is possible to overcome irrational fear, that walking away from a great experience because of those fears is not the right thing to do.

USA car rentals are 3 times pre cv19 prices as the companies sold their cars to keep afloat and now new cars are not being made due to the parts shortage

We have a $69 tomtom from target bought 10 years ago but these days many more hire cars have satnav (even when you order one that claims it doesnt)

DH has driven trucks all over the world and cars on holiday. Have to say LA was one of the places I was most on edge, those five lane freeways? I wouldnt stay there a day longer than necessary, and he’s negotiated the Champs Elysees.

Time to move on out of the city.

Ooops RTFT, I see you did, well done! Enjoy x

Your will have better sat nav, I used mine.

Plan a good route and then move onto the next place.

I'm not the most confident driver but I drove in the US for a week long road trip. I've also been a passenger.
Whenever I'm driving or a passenger when we travel on the other side of the road we always have the passenger as the Co driver. So reading road signs, directions and reminding at intersections which lane to be in etc.
Busy city driving is the worst! Get out of the city and you won't have to deal with massive junctions!
I drove from San Francisco to napa and yosemitie national park and as soon as we got out of San fran it was much easier, single lane roads, generally following light traffic, observing what others do at junctions in small towns.

1. Get a normal sized car. Are you kidding me that you spent £1500 extra to get a GPS? They're about £70 to buy, FFS, why didn't you just pop to the shop or have one Amazon delivered to your hotel?

1. Freeways are the safest form of travel, I can't understand why you're avoiding them to stick to more dangerous and complicated roads.

1. You are being ridiculous.

Yabu.
He had a near miss while getting used to a new car.

Yes he was joking

You sound extremely anxious. Just take your time. And enjoy it

I had an experience a bit like this in Italy driving with my dad. (He was driving.) I white knuckled it through.

I genuinely think the issue is my car anxiety and I recognise that in you, OP. Cars can be scary but don’t let the fear disable you.

You’re doing great to get back on the road. Maybe consider some therapy when back home?

Ask at your hotel for a recommendation of a driving instructor. I know most US teens learn to drive at school but they do have instructors.

Your DH and the instructor spend a couple of hours up to a day driving while you and the kids go to the beach or explore somewhere.

Get the instructor to instruct in the hire car and negotiate on the price because you will be paying fuel etc.

I'm also carphobic and have just been on a driving holiday in California.

I do fully sympathise OP. My main fear is the M25 or any other motorway that is similarly busy. The only way to deal with car phobia is to force yourself to go in cars. Can you sit in the back? I feel safer in the back.

LA traffic is diabolical and navigating the freeways is hard. I wouldn't have thought your DP needs a driving lesson though. Having good navigation that tells you what lane to go in is crucial. We took our sat nav and also tried Apple maps, with the phone linked to the car and the map displaying in the car's screen. We found Apple Maps clearer.

I found out t better to sit in the back and let DD18 sit in front and help with navigating.

Sounds like you are going to have a great time now you are out of LA. Well done for sticking with it.

I can resonate, been to Florida a couple of times and of course you arrive after a long flight, jet lagged and clueless about driving a huge car on the wrong side of the road. I am a confident driver but was almost sick with nerves with DH driving, both of us shouting at each other.
Next day - different story. Good nights sleep, food, got our head around the maps etc. I had a go of the car myself and after an hour or so, started to get my head around it and then drove for the rest of the trip. DH navigated (I am terrible at navigating) and he told me where to turn etc.

anyway, take your time, enjoy the scenery and have an amazing holiday x

Stick with it.

We did 6 weeks round New England with 3 teens including driving through Manhattan NYC (one of the most scary experiences of my life and Dh is a fantastic driver) and Boston, the rest was easier than the U.K. and actually although scary the cities were fine. Even had a lorry jack knife in front of us but he gained control and all was ok. We were sad to hand our massive Dodge back by the end.

My Dh once turned onto 5 lanes of incoming traffic in Vancouver when we were in our 20s. It scared the shit out of us but the fact he got us out of it pdq showed what a good driver he is. He’s driven us safely all over the world, mistakes will happen but being on it quickly is what matters.

Enjoy,we have so many happy road trip memories which the kids still talk about.

Sounds like you've done brilliantly to get to your next destination.

I've done that route five times or so (once at 19 as a fairly inexperienced driver which I look back on and think was overly ambitious). As everyone's said, LA is stressful.

But I agree with the posters saying that he needs you (or one of the kids) as wingman. He concentrates on driving and you with the correct lanes and when to turn left etc. He'll get used to it after a couple of days but it can be a bit stressful to start with.

I also think that if you dump the car and get the train, it might limit you from doing another fly drive as it will become a big deal in your minds. I think you're going to get over the hump and enjoy the rest of the trip.

We found using our phones easier than Satnav and yes I was wingman on tricky bits.