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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cut short expensive road trip 3 days in?

144 replies

Fawful · 05/08/2022 15:10

I'm honestly asking if IBU as I can't see the wood for the trees.
DP (or more accurately XDP, we co-parent happily) and I and our two teens have been on a fly drive in California for a few days.

First two days have been in LA.

Upon getting the rental car (which cost an inflated £1500 because the rental place had no other car with a GPS), DP was just sitting in the car and getting ready to turn on the GPS and drive out onto the freeway. I asked that we go around the block at least to get used to it (driving on the right, automatic, big car etc), and DP got onto some boulevard where he wanted to turn left but didn't realise the cars in front also had a green light, and lounged into (fairly fast and quite near) oncoming traffic.
We therefore had a very near miss within 5 minutes.
It took us an hour (or two) to recover and map a gentle route that doesn't involve a freeway to take us to the hotel.
Since then we've barely been out, the second time we did DP said 'Here's this great big car again, that we're too scared to drive...' (He has since said it was 100% a joke and he is not scared. However when we plan routes he works out detours to avoid having to turn left at intersections without traffic lights as he is too scared to have to work out the best moment tu turn left.)

I've barely been eating, I have been so stressed, I'm clearly in fight or flight mode and really panicked.
To avoid a drip feed I'll have to confess now that at the best of time I've always been car-phobic since I have had a crash at 18. I can't drive and avoid driving anywhere. I'm especially scared of speed. But I thought I'd be able to hack it for the kids' sake, because we decided we'd avoid highways whenever possible, and in the same way I made myself go onto the plane for 12 hours even though I truly hate it. Turns out I'm now busy looking for a way out - flying home early, taking the train to places instead...
The kids have been ok though, they have enjoyed the little we have done (beach, eat out and shopping).
DP is very upset that I've mentioned not wanting to go to Sequoias park tomorrow.
I asked for an extra day in LA and he says 'what would be the point?'
I really want to just take the train instead (itinerary was going to be Sequoia -we'd have to cut that out - Palm Springs, Irvine water park, San Diego for the zoo and USS Midway and back to LA), but with the car costing so much, he's not going to agree to that.
I'm genuinely worried he's not coping with US driving but not wanting to admit to it.
Last night he was angry, he says I make him feel powerless and like he's not in control. And I said I get it and I'm sorry, but I'm genuinely scared and not coping either...
Am I being unreasonable to want to switch to a train trip?

Should I trust him that he's ok, or is he delusional to think that he is not scared, himself?

I asked my brothers just now over WhatsApp and one said that I should go with it, and the other said he has always hoped he wouldn't have to be in a position to have to drive on the other side of the road, as he could see himself making mistakes, with the accident risks it involves. He's a v good and frequent driver.
Obviously I shouldn't have suggested a road trip in the first place, I do know that. What a mess.

Many thanks.

OP posts:
Goingforarun · 05/08/2022 18:47

We did something similar many many years ago. Hair raising for first 24 hours but the memories made it worth it. It’s WATES as in the 70s I hitchhiked across America four times never ever worrying about danger. It was my partner driving 20 years later different story

passport123 · 05/08/2022 18:50

Take the car back for a smaller one and use waze on your phone. More accurate than car sat nav.

Original poster
Fawful · 05/08/2022 18:50

Thank you.
Was crying but have calmed down with everyone's advice and we're ready to go when we check out in 15 minutes. Plan is Route 1 then 101 and 33, then other various freeways.

If anyone can think of a reason why we shouldn't do it via 1 and 33, please speak soon, We're leaving in a moment and if it's still all too much we/ I will rethink.
Thanks again to all who took the time to write, it was really appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fawful · 05/08/2022 18:52

I Mean if today’s trip proves too much we’ll rethink.

OP posts:
Lipsandlashes · 05/08/2022 18:55

You sound like extremely hard work. Why on Earth would you do a Flydrive holiday in the States if you hate flying and driving. What did you think would happen? It beggars belief

calmlakes · 05/08/2022 18:58

No need to be mean.
Sometimes it is hard to realize what is going to be difficult until you start doing it.

Lipsandlashes · 05/08/2022 19:06

Sorry I’m not trying to be mean but to spend that amount of money on a flydrive holiday when you hate both of them is unfathomable. Seriously OP, do as others have suggested; get the hell out of LA and let your husband get on with it, without turning him into a nervous wreck too.

HungryandIknowit · 05/08/2022 19:17

If he's usually a good driver I agree that the real issue sounds like driving in LA. Driving in the US, including California, is easy. Motorways are fine too. Your issue is that he's driving in a massive city in a new country. Make sure he's read up on the rules of the road and enjoy your road trip (outside of LA).

thankyouforthesun · 05/08/2022 19:44

YABU. Driving in US is very straightforward. LA is busy, so get out and go somewhere else, there's lots to see.
Automatics are easier than manuals, they are glorified bumper cars. Driving on the other side of the road is no big deal for an experienced driver. The massive car would be very tricky if you took it to Cornwall or Venice, like they do on Top Gear, but California is its natural environment and everything else is big to fit it. The parking lots are also massive to fit them.
If your partner can turn right in the UK he should know how to turn left in the US.

Maybe it would be fairer if you let one of your teens sit in the front and you sit in the back if you are making him nervous? Can you distract yourself with a book or something? It's not fair to try to help him drive. Sorry if I've got this wrong and you're not doing this at all, it just seems like you might be winding him up a bit.
I went to USA for first time about five weeks after I passed my UK driving test and it was totally fine, including driving in LA and road trips to Vegas, San Francisco and San Diego. LA is the most difficult.

VeryQuaintIrene · 05/08/2022 19:47

Route 1 is gorgeous - right by the sea and not hard to drive on at all.

babynoname22 · 05/08/2022 19:52

You need to get out of LA. It's just one big massive car park and a nightmare to drive round.

We did a fly drive from San Fran down to san Diageo years ago and loved it. We flew home from LA and got rid of the card for the last three days.

I would get out of LA ASAP head down to San Diego and go from there. Much much nicer.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/08/2022 19:59

Natty13 · 05/08/2022 17:35

Shes hardly facing her fears if she wants to sack it off and come home 😂

Show quote history

She's still doing it, so what if she wants to sack it off she's pushing ahead and that's bloody tough to do when you're facing things you don't want to.

superram · 05/08/2022 20:07

I hate driving, despite having a licence for 27 years. I drove in France earlier this year, I hated every minute but I wasn’t dangerous. My passenger was really helpful-telling about hairpin bends coming up on ticking big mountains. You need to let him do it but motorways in America are so much easier than small roads.

superram · 05/08/2022 20:07

Fucking big mountains-obvs!

StridTheKiller · 05/08/2022 20:19

You suggested a road trip?!

Anonymous48 · 05/08/2022 21:25

thankyouforthesun · 05/08/2022 19:44

YABU. Driving in US is very straightforward. LA is busy, so get out and go somewhere else, there's lots to see.
Automatics are easier than manuals, they are glorified bumper cars. Driving on the other side of the road is no big deal for an experienced driver. The massive car would be very tricky if you took it to Cornwall or Venice, like they do on Top Gear, but California is its natural environment and everything else is big to fit it. The parking lots are also massive to fit them.
If your partner can turn right in the UK he should know how to turn left in the US.

Maybe it would be fairer if you let one of your teens sit in the front and you sit in the back if you are making him nervous? Can you distract yourself with a book or something? It's not fair to try to help him drive. Sorry if I've got this wrong and you're not doing this at all, it just seems like you might be winding him up a bit.
I went to USA for first time about five weeks after I passed my UK driving test and it was totally fine, including driving in LA and road trips to Vegas, San Francisco and San Diego. LA is the most difficult.

You're absolutely right, and this is why I don't understand what the issues are.

Automatics are so much easier to drive, especially when you're unfamiliar with the car, the area, and driving on that side of the road. You don't have to think about what gear you're in and changing gear. You just drive.

A big car shouldn't be an issue - you're not driving in rural Wales. The roads are big and so are the car parks.

Highways/freeways/interstates are so much easier to drive on than local roads, especially if you're not sure where you're going.

Driving on the other side of the road shouldn't take more than a few minutes adjustment. I've gone back and forth many times.

What's the big deal with turning left? It's just like turning right in the UK. Obviously you don't turn left if there's oncoming traffic coming, or if you're at a red light, but if you have a green arrow at the traffic light you go. If it's not an intersection with a traffic light or you have a green light (but not a green arrow) you just wait until there is enough of a gap in the traffic to make it across to the road you're turning into. Just like you would do when turning right in the UK.

OP - I hope the drive today has gone well and that your anxiety has calmed down.

BarrelOfOtters2 · 05/08/2022 21:28

Driving outside of LA is really really easy. Just get out of LA.

thankyouforthesun · 06/08/2022 00:23

The one is beautiful. It's a really easy relaxing ride with stunning scenery. Have a great day.

StillHappy · 06/08/2022 00:29

You paid £1,500 rather than driving to the nearest Best Buy and getting a TomTom for $100?

Why?

Dartmoorcheffy · 06/08/2022 00:38

Hope your day is improving. I absolutely loved driving around california. The Pacific Coast highway is awesome and its really easy once you get out of the hell that is LA.

Foronenightonly22 · 06/08/2022 00:54

I feel sorry for the two teens stuck in the car with the pair of you!

on a more supportive note. We done a road trip starting in LA a few years back. It was my DHs first time driving on the other side off the road and he got cold feet and tried to stay in LA for the entire holiday. I was having none of it. I’d experienced driving abroad before. When you get started and get out of LA it is easy (easier) To try and make it easier and less intimidating for DH we set off on our exit from LA very early in the morning when traffic was lighter.

Enjoy your trip xx

Herejustforthisone · 06/08/2022 01:21

What an incredibly strange set up. All of it.

Boxowine · 06/08/2022 01:22

Hope you're having a better time. If it's too much you can turn in the car and just take the train to San Francisco. Beautiful city and you can bike every where or get Ubers. Plenty to do and they have a zoo as well.

BritWifeInUSA · 06/08/2022 02:16

Your biggest issue is that you started in LA. It’s a hellhole. And the worst place to drive. Once you’re out of there, it’ll be a fiffeeent world.

Turning left here is no different from turning right in the UK. Wait for a suitable gap in the oncoming traffic and off you go. An automatic more or less drives itself. It’s like driving a bumper car. Press one pedal to go, press the other to stop. Our freeways here were built for easy driving. They are wide, relatively straight and the exits are easy and well-marked. The car may be wider than you are used to at home but the streets are wider too so it’s no different. An experienced driver shouldn’t have any issues. I think you’re actually overthinking it and convincing yourselves that it’s worse than it really is.

scarletisjustred · 06/08/2022 02:23

For all those people asserting it's easy to drive on the opposite side of the road, there's a very good chance you just happen to have a very good spatial sense. It's like singing - you can either do it or not. Maybe you can improve a singing voice a bit with lessons but all the lessons in the world can't improve offkey and out of tune. People who can sing never understsnd this.